#askabelthings

Lilith Leaves this Bloody Garden

God created the first humans, Adam and Lilith, from dirt. Lilith said to Adam, "you look kind of like a shithead. No offense."

The LORD said, "I CREATED MAN IN MY OWN IMAGE."

"What about me?" asked Lilith.

God paused, because He wasn't quite sure about that one. This was when He reached down and removed the penis from the female body.

"Oh damn it."

"NOW GET ON WITH THE CHILD-REARING AND ALL."

But Lilith wasn't tapping that; total 4 or 5 outta 10 at best. Adam didn't notice she was missing until he finished contemplating the fruit tree that God placed a 'stay away' sign on. 

"Could you go get my girlfriend back?" Adam asked. 

"GIRLFRIEND? YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET TO FIRST BASE," said the LORD unto Adam. But He sent three angels with the ridiculous names of Senoi, Sansenoi, and Sammangelof after Lilith.

All of them were bullied. In Heaven. By other angels.

In the meantime, God reached straight into Adam's chest, ribbed a rib clean out, and formed a new woman. They agreed she was kind of emo. 

Abel Can't Find his Fucking Brother

Adam and the emo chick never quite hit it off, because she fell in love with Samson who had yet to be born. Instead God grew tired of waiting and sneezed Cain and Abel into existence.

There were several problems with Cain's situation. For one, the vegetables didn't cuddle with him the way Abel's fucking sheep did even though they were going to be sacrificed. For another, that fucking angel refused to turn the bright headlights off his flaming sword or at least dim them down to low beams. He blamed his eyepatch on a wicked bar fight rather than attempting to look directly into it.

Again and again, day after day, God openly showed his favoritism to Abel and his sheep. Every freckle on Abel's face was a result of God attempting to add a very tiny gold star onto the boy's cheek. Thinking quickly, Cain assembled a murder plot with three little strands of hay, a big rock, and a goose that he painted pink.

The LORD said unto Cain, "CAIN."

And Cain pretended not to hear. He said again, "CAIN."

And Cain said, "What."

"WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE."

The boy carefully considered his assortment of items before he answered, "a rock."

And the LORD did not ask again.

"Brother?! Where are you?" shouted Abel, who was unable to see Cain behind the thinnest plants in the entire Earth at that point in time. At some point the goose escaped, and scholars today are unsure how the murder would have went if it had stayed.

Cain sprang out and smashed Abel on the head with the rock. 

"I don't know why people like getting stoned," remarked Abel. Then he died. Satisfied, Cain went back home.

"CAIN OF EDEN, ALMOST SON OF ADAM AND EVE, FIRST VEGETABLE-GROWER," said God.

"Just Cain's fine."

"WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER?" This was a rhetorical question, since Abel showed up while Heaven and Hell were still being furnished, so God decided to set up the first Monopoly game in the meantime (other scholars theorize it's still ongoing).

"Shit, I dunno. I guess I misplaced him," said Cain before peering into a tiny bush.

"DON'T GET SASSY WITH ME, CAIN."

Isaac Dies

Isaac died.

Lazarus Wakes the Hell Up

"I am so high right now," said Lazarus before he promptly died as well. Jesus showed up to bro out with him but came up with nothing.

"Where is Lazarus?" Jesus asked, to which Mary shrugged and said: "I dunno. He might be dead. I mean, the standard for seeing if someone's dead these days is screaming really loud and seeing if they get up."

Jesus sighed.

"Before he died, Bubby said this!" exclaimed Marhta before telling her only lord and savior spoilers for the latest hit novel.

Jesus wept.

--

They say that the smell of the corpse in the tomb was the future base for AXE body spray. Lazarus had become awfully blue; if he wasn't dead when they put him in, he was now. 

"Get up," said Jesus unto Lazarus. And Lazarus did not respond. "Dad damn it, I said get the fuck up."

So he did.

Judas Strikes a Deal

"The one I kiss on the cheek is the man you want to kill and stuff," said Judas. "No homo."

That was good, because it was almost gay. Judas took his 30 coins and, as a free bonus, a poster of Stocking. 

Then, Judas kissed Jesus.

"What the hell, man. Take me out to dinner f- FUCK," shouted the only lord and savior as soldiers jumped him while Judas laughed. "Dad damn it, Judas, I thought we were friends!"

Judas said, "I dunno. I mean, maybe. I really wanted that poster. Bye, fake friend."

The soldiers gave Jesus a crown of thorns. This raised his Damage stat by 1, which was enough for him to break free and escape into the wilderness.

His whereabouts are unknown to this day.

Epilogue:

Magdalene asked, "Where did 27 of your coins go-"

[10:02:49 PM] Andrew: ok i need to make a choice so [10:02:52 PM] Andrew: pick a number from 1 to 3 [10:02:56 PM] Beans: 27 [10:03:17 PM] Andrew: i can write the thing about them carving shapes into your dead body instead of a pumpkin punk [10:03:29 PM] Beans: gO FOR IT I WOULD [10:03:30 PM] Beans: BE HONORED

sura= anti-laz

vee = anti-eva/imm. eve

"Sis- sis, don't," her voice came out a nervous chuckle. "You know I love you, right...?"

This sparkled a girlish laugh from the princess, sitting sideways in her throne with bare feet kicking dully in the air. "Sure you do," she giggled as the executioner forced her head back down. "Sure you do."

Maggie's lips parted just as the blade dropped. A small team swept up as casually as a barber sweeping up hair tufts.

"What should we do now, Princess Eve?" they asked.

"God, I dunno. Ask sis."

"You just killed Maggie."

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot." She yawned, stretching her arms wide as if balancing the world had tired her out. "I'm gonna take a little nap! I dunno, just throw it in the garbage bin or somethin'. Leave it to whichever little advisor thinks he can usurp power from me when I'm not lookin' or something."

Silence.

"Y'know. There's always ONE guy who's, like, my right-hand man but he secretly wants to overthrow me. I've been through eight of them this whole year! Gosh, don't any of you dummies know how to tell a story?"

Apparently they didn't. The painted guillotine blade still looming, the cleaning team decided to not ask further questions and tossed the remains in the garbage alongside the morning box of Fruit Loops. Until the bin closed and contained her, Maggie's eyes never left the sister she once knew.

---

It was in the middle of scrubbing floor tiles that it really struck Lilith her girlfriend had taken over the world.

"You don't have to clean, we have people for that," Eve had told her more than once, but as a matter of fact, they didn't. At least secretly doing a chunk of the cleaning got her access to news of the outside world- today, she thumbed through a snatched newspaper with pruned fingers. Lilith skimmed through the headlines. 

Smuggling Rings are Mean

Princess Eve is very pretty

Your'e*

The only thing that had changed since yesterday's paper was the date. She leaned her head back against the wall and, for once, thought favorably of the Basement they had been in versus the outside world.

A knock came before the interruption: "Lilith, may I come in?"

Her eyes peeled open. "Mhm."

So danced in Abel, donned in a maid outfit like any other servant (including the chefs, the contractors, the people hired just because they looked funny in maid outfits). "The Princess requests your presence."

"Not much of a request. More like a demand."

"Not like you're gonna say no anyway," Abel said with a shrug. Every other time she gave in like a cornered mouse accepting defeat; why should today be any different?

They walked silently, Abel's heels clicking on the sea of pastel tile.

"You wear them better than most," Lilith chuckled.

"Don't remind me."

Before they reached the pink doors signifying the throne room, Abel stopped them and held out his hand, coughing. The girl raised an eyebrow. "I'm not fucking tipping you."

Abel huffed. "See if I ever escort you again, sister!" he said and snapped his fingers before sashaying off. She pushed open the door, fully aware the conversation would happen the next day.

And there was the world conquerer on her throne, eating gummy bears but picking out the green ones. Laughing.

Lilith bowed to her. "Your highness."

Eve didn't look up. "What."

"Uh... you called me."

"Oh! Yeah, yeah," Eve said. "You steal a newspaper everyday or something, right?

Shit.

Lilith chose to just nod and the other girl's eyes expanded in excitement rather than anger. "Alright! Are there any heroes yet? Like, people who kinda think they're gonna overthrow me?"

"It doesn't look like it."

Naturally, the princess responded to this with the grace of a 40 year old drunk in a nunnery. "Dammit dammit dammit!" she shouted, rising if only to kick the green gummy pile over. Her voice snapped back to childish: "I'm so boooooooooooooorrrreeeeeeeed! I need a story before I'm like an old person!"

Naturally, there were a lot of things Lilith wanted to suggest, such as politely giving the world back and leaving or stepping up to be a Queen (there was nobody above her in power anyway) instead of doing whatever.

Naturally, she said none of them, opting instead to brush a strand of hair from the young royal's eyepatch. The screams of anguish never stopped ringing in her head. Lilith felt that another part of her was torn out that day, but never said it.

Eve sat up after a moment. "Well, I've got news! I had a whole pizza for lunch and sis is dead. Also, I've gotta go pee."

As she skipped off to do that, Lilith grabbed her arm. "Wait," she said and immediately realized her mistake.

Rule 1 of the New Constitution: do not order the princess. Do not say 'have a good day' because she can have a bad day if she wants. Princess Eve turned to her, a small container of boiling hatred.

Maggie could wait.

"... Pepperoni or pineapples?" she asked with a weak smile, to which Eve giggled. It had been pepperoni, of coure. Of course.

Something fell to the ground as she skipped out to the royal toilet. The Holy Grail- just a typical container she kept in her pocket for soda every so often. Inidentally, Lilith remembered, what she used to bargain the world into accepting her as their tyrant.

I never thought Basement items worked outside of the Basement thou-

She touched the Grail. The familiar feeling of Play-Doh brushed against her palm.

Son of a bitch.

---

'The world was collapsing on its own. Overfed and overstimulated, the peoples of Earth begged to be mistreated by their government,' Simon wrote. 'A 13 year old girl heard that cry and stood to the test.'

With that, the last chapter of history to be rewritten, he kicked his feet up and took a break. It dawned on him that Jacob was probably wrong about Final Fantasy accurately representing the Middle Ages.

"Oh well," he said to himself. "It's been a bloody 48 hours since I left this chair anyway. Time to get up."

Simon swung his legs heartily and fell on his side with a chair connected to his butt. Laughter erupted from the hallway.

"I was wondering when you were gonna find out 'bout the glue!" Eve sung as he scrambled for his glasses.

"Bloody hell!"

It took a moment before it struck him the words were not his own. He glanced up and there was Eve, mocking him in his glasses.

"H-how-" he stammered, "how did you know what I was going to say?"

"Because that's what... Simon says!"