#asickburnout

He blinked a few times, looking to the window in the wall next to him. The moon hung high in the sky, stars twinkling against the inky blackness. Michael threw the covers off; blindly shoving his feet into the nearest pair of shoes he could get his hands on.

He didn’t know if they matched, but he couldn’t care less in the moment. He was angry – angry that he couldn’t fall asleep, angry that he couldn’t let himself take pills to make the exhaustion dissolve. He grabbed his keys from the living room table before he was out the door.

The cool night air washed over his skin as if it were the comforting hug he was seeking. He let his eyes ease shut for a moment before he was making his way towards his car. It was a piece of junk oldie, he was pretty sure the fender was going to fall off any day, but it was all he could afford.

He jammed the key into the ignition and let the car sputter to life. He didn’t really have any destination in mind, he just needed to burn gas and drive until he couldn’t keep his eyes open. This was the only solution he found that worked to make him tired enough to fall asleep when he finally made it inside and into his bed.

Michael rolled down his window and reached across the passenger seat, grabbing the handle to roll that window down, too. Once he was satisfied, Michael pulled away from the curb and onto the deserted roads. He kept the music low, though if were to have it his way, it would be at maximum volume. Though he knew he was only doing this to become drowsy, not even more awake than he already was.

He leaned his head back against the headrest as he drove, mouthing the words to the CD that was in the player. He counted the streetlights as they passed, each of them a glowing blur as he drove further down the road. Michael didn’t know how long he had been driving for, but he had counted more streetlights than he could and he still wasn’t tired.

He had stopped at a red light, taking the opportunity to rest his head against the steering wheel, squeezing his eyes shut. Could he even give himself a pep talk for this kind of thing? What he really needed was someone to run his fingers through his hair until he fell asleep.

His mother always did that when he was younger, the motion become soothing to him. He missed her dearly at times like these, but he was an adult now. He couldn’t go running to her just because he couldn’t fall asleep. If only he could find someone to replace her, maybe then he could sleep through the night.

Suddenly, Michael sat straight up, his phone blasting a familiar ringtone. His heart pounded in his chest as he looked to the passenger seat to find his phone lit up with his best friend’s name – Calum. He grabbed the device, accepting his call.

“Calum?” Michael asked as he pressed his foot on the gas. It wasn’t like Calum to be up this late. “What are you doing awake?” He asked, taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart.

He listened to Calum sigh on the other end of the phone. “Can’t sleep,” was the answer Michael received. “And I’m assuming you can’t either since you answered the phone and don’t sound the least bit tired,” he chuckled.

“I’m driving,” Michael replied, smiling softly to himself. “But it’s not working like it usually does,” he informed Calum, the smile melting off his lips.

“You should come pick me up?” Calum suggested, but it came off as more of a question. Though, he knew he shouldn’t have to ask. Michael was always down to hang out with Calum, even if it was the early hours of the morning when he should be trying to sleep. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

Michael turned left, his autopilot turning on. He knew the way to Calum’s house like the back of his hand. He had made the drive plenty of times that he could practically make it there with his eyes closed.

“You’re on the phone with me now, Cal. Just tell me,” Michael said, making another turn down another desolate road closer to Calum’s house.

“Its something that should be said in person,” Calum said, his voice dropping in tone. Michael’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Usually Calum was very open with him and never liked to keep secrets. This just didn’t sound like his best friend.

“Okay,” Michael agreed. “Come outside. I’m almost there,” he said. Calum agreed and then they hung up. He tossed his phone onto the passenger seat even though it was going to be occupied by Calum in a few short minutes.

He drove down the long road that led to Calum’s house. He lived in a small rural neighborhood off of the main highway that ran through town. Michael kept going until his headlights washed over a boy sitting on the steps of his porch. Calum was dressed in baggy grey sweats and a black tank top that clung tightly to his frame.

Michael pulled up along side the curb, shifting the car into park as Calum stood from the steps. He made his way to the car, throwing open the door and ducking inside. The small light that had illuminated the cab shut off the moment Calum slammed his door shut.

“Hey,” he greeted, pulling the seatbelt across his chest and securing it into the buckle.

“Hey,” Michael returned, waiting until Cal was situated before he drove away from his house. “So what did you want to talk about?” Michael inquired, glancing at Calum out the corner of his eye.

Calum was silent for a moment before he looked at Michael. “Just drive for a little bit, okay? I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk,” he said, reaching forward to turn the volume up slightly. An old All Time Low song was drifting through the speakers. Despite that, he still knew all the words.

Michael had no choice but to nod and keep his foot on the gas. It only bothered him slightly that his best friend was keeping things from him. Even then, he knew Calum would tell him on his own time. He just wondered how long he had kept whatever it is to himself. Michael always wanted Calum to be able to come to him for anything that bothered him.

They had driven for a while, crisscrossing their way through town, from one end to the other. Michael still wasn’t tired and Calum still wasn’t ready to talk. The clock on his dash read nearly five in the morning, but the time didn’t make Michael want to go home at all. He’d stay out all night if he had to, he’d stay out until the sun came to wake up the rest of the town even if he hadn’t fallen asleep yet.

Calum was just about to turn back onto the main road of town when Calum spoke up. “Can you find somewhere to park?” He asked, letting out a small sigh.

“You’re ready to talk?” Michael asked, and Calum nodded. Michael pulled into the parking lot behind an office building. He pulled into a parking spot and shut off his car. He let his hands fall from the steering wheel as the lights in his dash died out.

He moved in his seat slightly, trying to face Calum a little more. “I’m all ears,” Michael said, meeting his eyes in the darkness.

Calum nodded, taking his time with getting the words past his lips. He seemed like something was troubling him, but Michael figured it was something more than he just couldn’t fall asleep. Cal licked his lips, then spoke.

“I can’t sleep anymore,” he started. “Every time I go to lay down, sleep just doesn’t come,” he explained. Michael knew this feeling very well. “But I know why I can’t sleep. I can fix it easily but I’m afraid.”

“I can help you with whatever it is,” Michael said. He almost wanted to reach out and grab Calum’s hand, but he refrained. “You don’t have anything to be scared about, I’m sure.”

“But there is,” Calum assured him. “I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me.”

“Me?” Michael asked, but Calum didn’t answer him. Instead, he was looking out the window again, avoiding his gaze. “Calum, we’ve been friends literally since I can remember. Whatever it is, I’m still going to be your friend.”

Calum sighed. “That’s just the thing,” Calum said, looking at Michael again. “I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

Michael felt his heart sink in his chest. He swore he felt his head go dizzy. He couldn’t imagine his life without Calum. Calum had been his best friend since elementary school. Calum had been there through everything; he just couldn’t imagine Calum not being there.

“Oh,” Michael said. “Well, if that’s the case then I can just take you home.”

“No, Michael,” Calum said, grabbing Michael’s hand as he reached for the keys again. “I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be more than your friend. I lay awake at night, thinking about you how a friend shouldn’t think about their best friend. I wonder what your lips taste like, or what it would be like to hold your hand in public,” he spoke slowly, but clearly.

Michael didn’t move, didn’t try to slip his hand out of Calum’s. Needless to say, he was surprised to hear this coming from Calum. But he was even more surprised that he wasn’t instantly rejecting it. Calum had always felt like another part of his soul, he just never had thought that maybe he could be more than just a friend.

“Why don’t you find out then?” Michael mused. Calum was still eluding his gaze, but at the sound of that, his eyes snapped to Michael’s. His mouth slightly dropped open, but he had yet to speak.

Suddenly, it was as if a switch was flipped in Calum and he was leaning over the console and pressing his lips against Michael’s. He felt fingers twine in his hair, tugging him closer. It all happened so fast that Michael gasped into his mouth, his eyes snapping shut the moment Cal’s lips met his.

But as soon as they had come, his mouth was abandoned. Michael opened his eyes to find Calum looking at him. “I can’t believe I just did that,” Calum said. “I shouldn’t have,” he said.

Michael didn’t let him finish. “You should have,” Michael said. “I liked it.”

“You did?” Calum questioned, his eyes widening slightly. Michael nodded. “Do you want to do it again?” He asked.

“Maybe not tonight, but definitely again,” he said. Calum nodded and sat back in his car. “I think after that I’ll finally be able to fall asleep.”

“Honestly,” Calum started. “So can I. You don’t know how long I’ve been thinking about doing that.”

He hunched his shoulders beneath his hoodie as he glanced over the balcony he was standing upon. He didn’t know what state he was in. They only told him what city to greet moments before he went on stage. But wherever he was, it was chilly. He was sure if it got any colder, snow would be falling from the sky.

However, he was grateful the sky was free of any snowflakes. The only source of heat he had was the small fire burning between his fingers. He stared at the city lights twinkling in the distance as he brought the cigarette to his lips. He took a deep drag from it, letting the smoke fill his mouth and singe his tongue.

Calum held it for a small moment before he let the smoke twirl off his lips as he blew out. He knew it was a bad habit, and it wouldn’t benefit his lungs any, but he was addicted. He wanted to write a song about it, but he could never get the words right.

He ran a hand through his hair as he heard the sliding glass door open behind him. He cast a glance over his shoulder, watching as Michael slipped through the small opening to join him on the balcony.

“What are you doing out here, Cal?” Michael asked, joining him at the railing to look at the city lights. “It’s freezing.”

“I know,” Calum said, but shrugged anyway. He took one last drag from his cigarette, the white paper being eaten by the nicotine-fueled fire. He then flicked the stub away, watching the small red embers fall away into the darkness below.

His fingers felt naked without the cigarette dangling between them. He itched to light another one, but he wouldn’t let himself fall into another bad habit such as chain smoking. If he did that, he knew he wouldn’t’ be able to sing anymore. He couldn’t disappoint his fans like that.

“You know the party is inside, right?” Michael asked, bringing Calum back out of his thoughts.

He nodded solemnly. He almost forgot that Michael was standing next to him for a second. He didn’t know where his thoughts were anymore. He found himself spacing out more than usual.

“Are you okay?” Michael asked, laying a light hand on his best friend’s shoulder. “You haven’t seemed yourself lately, you know?” Michael said, licking his lips.

Calum nodded again. “I know,” he said. It was hard to admit, but Michael knew him better than anyone else (maybe except for his sister) and he was the closest thing to home he could get his hands on. “I know,” he said again. “I just need some time off. I miss my family, I miss home.”

Michael nodded, letting his hand fall away from Calum’s shoulder. “I know it’s hard,” Michael said, looking out across the city again. Looking at cities like these always pained Calum. He wished he was looking at his own, he wished he was in his own home, watching soccer or listening to music. And looking out upon these places always reminded him that he wasn’t there.

“I wish there was something more I could say to you,” Michael continued. Calum wanted to tell him that there wasn’t much he could say, but he bit his tongue. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but… maybe you should call her. She always knew what to say to you to make you feel better.”

Calum took a sharp intake of breath. Her. He had done so well with not thinking about her. She was the hardest part about being away from home. He hated admitting to himself that he loved her, he hated that he had to be away from her, and most of all, he hated that he had left without a single word.

He had kept her hanging. He hadn’t answered any of her calls or texts. He hated that he hurt her, but he couldn’t stand prolonging the pain when he knew couldn’t be there for her when she needed him.

“She probably hates me by now,” Calum said, chewing on the inside of his lip.

“But isn’t that what you wanted?” Michael asked. Calum turned to look at him, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. He opened his mouth to speak, but Michael cut him off. “I know how you work, Calum. You wanted her to hate you so being apart would be easier. But I know you, and I know her. She could never hate you.”

Calum took a deep breath. Michael always knew him better than he knew himself. And he knew Michael was right – she could never hate him even if she tried. But even so, he was worried that this was all going to get much worse the moment he heard her voice.

“I’m scared,” he whispered to the wind, but he knew Michael had heard. He hated to say the words aloud, but he couldn’t kid himself anymore.

He slung his arm all the way around Calum’s shoulders, pulling him closer to his body. “I know you are,” Michael agreed. “But this is why you need to do this. It’ll be good for you, the both of you.”

Calum nodded again, “okay.”

“So go on and get out of the cold and make that call,” he said, pulling away from him and pushing him towards the door.

Calum grasped the door, sliding it open. Sounds from the early Christmas party filtered from the downstairs as he stepped inside. Michael followed suit, but instead of staying with Calum, he started for the stairs. But before going back down to the party, he stopped on the first step, his hand braced against the wall.

“It’s going to be okay, Calum,” he said, giving him a wry smile. Before Calum could say anything, he was already bounding down the stairs to join the others, leaving Calum abandoned in the stairway.

He took another deep breath before he descended a few stairs before sitting down where he left his cup so it wouldn’t freeze outside. God knows he would need the alcohol to make this call. He took a few gulps before he pulled his phone out of the pocket in his hoodie.

His fingers brushed against the pack of cigarettes he had stashed in there as well. He knew he shouldn’t smoke in the house, but he knew he’d probably need a cigarette to get through the call comfortably. He hit the lighter a few times, watching the spark before it ignited and lit the cigarette.

The nicotine filled his senses as he took a long drag. He instantly felt comfort. Now that his hands were occupied again, he unlocked his phone, scrolling through his contacts before finding hers. He hadn’t touched it in months. Would she even sound the same? It was only him to blame if she did.

His finger hovered over her name before he cursed to himself and pressed it. The screen changed to the call screen where he had the choice to hang up. The moment flickered through his thoughts, but Michael would beat him up if he did. It was too late to turn back now.

A few rings went through before the call connected. There was a small crackling noise before her voice was coming through the receiver. “Hello?” She asked, her voice tinged with surprise.

Calum opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. “Calum?” She asked again. “Are you there?” She questioned. The connection wasn’t the best, seeing as she was a whole half a world away, but she was still there. They were sharing the same moment together for the first time in months.

“Yeah,” he finally breathed, wispy remnants of smoke dancing off his lips. “I’m here.”

All he could do was stare at the cigarette burning between his fingers. The sounds of the party had faded away when she had picked up.

“God, its been forever, hasn’t it?” She chuckled nervously, as if the months of silence from Calum hadn’t happened. Michael had been right all along. None of the yelling and accusing had come like Calum had expected. He loathed that a part of him was slightly disappointed.

“I know,” Calum said. “And I’m-I’m sorry about that,” he said, letting his teeth capture his bottom lip.

“Calum…” she said cautiously. He closed his eyes upon hearing her say his name. She had said it before, but this time, it hit home. It was like all those months without her were finally catching up with him. “Is everything okay? You sound different.”

He took a deep breath, listening to the small crackle of the shitty connection. “I miss home. I miss my family. I miss being normal. I miss being places I actually know the name of. I-I miss you,” he admitted.

He knew this was going to happen. He knew the moment he got on the phone with her everything was going to come pouring out. He detested facing his feelings, and maybe that’s why he avoided her.

“Oh, Calum,” she almost cooed. Her words were the caress he had desperately needed. “You need to stop torturing yourself like this. You say you miss me but you could have talked to me all those months. You thought you were protecting me, but you were only hurting yourself,” she said.

Calum opened his eyes only to take another drag from his cigarette.

“You’ll be home for Christmas. I heard your parents talking about it. They’re so ecstatic to see you, your sister too,” she continued. “And as for being normal, why would you want to be? No one ever strives to be normal,” she reminded him.

Calum sighed. Michael had been right. She always knew what to say to him.

“I’m hating myself so much right now for ignoring you for months,” Calum confessed. “I don’t know why I tried to get you to hate me when all I needed was you.”

“It’s okay, Cal,” she said, calling him by his favorite nickname. “You’ve learned your lesson. All you can do is grow from this, yeah?” She questioned. Calum hummed into the receiver. “Smile for me, will yah?” She asked.

Calum remained silent. He didn’t know how he could smile in a time like this. “Okay,” he said just to sate her.

“Calum,” she drawled. He hummed again. “I know you’re not smiling.”

This time, the corner of his mouth turned up in a small smile. Even after all these months of silence, she still knew him inside and out.

“There we go,” she said, her own smile evident through the receiver.

“I wish you were with me right now,” Calum said. “I wish I could see your smile. I wish I could hold you in my arms again and never let you go.”

“Oh, but Calum,” She said. “I’m always with you whether you know it or not. You hold everyone you love inside your heart. They’re with you wherever you go,” she told him.

Calum took a deep breath, watching his cigarette burn away to nothing. He had wasted most of it, but there wasn’t much he could do about it.

“Now stop being so sulky and get back to the party. And before you ask, I could hear it in the background. I know how you get when you’re homesick, so get off your butt and have some fun.”

Calum smiled again, “Okay.” They said their goodbyes before he had ended the call and slipped his phone back into his pocket. As Calum stood back up and made his way back down to the party, he couldn’t help but feel warm.