Brushing my teeth is a big struggle for me. It’s a struggle I’ve always had. And I’ve always heard “oh, you’re too lazy to brush your teeth?” When the truth is that it is NOT due to laziness at all. I do stuff daily that requires more action than brushing my fucking teeth. It wouldn’t be some near impossible task if it weren’t for my crippling sensory processing issues.

I keep thinking that if I’d maybe had someone around to understand me and help me manage it when I was a child, instead of parents who literally didn’t even believe autism was a real thing, life would be easier now. But that’s not what happened.

More stuff my sensory issues do that affects my teeth, is my seemingly endless addiction to soda. It’s not that I want to drink soda, I have to drink soda when eating certain foods because if the sharp carbonation isn’t there to dull the texture of the food I’m eating, I will have a complete mental breakdown.

I have never been able to drink water without gagging. I drink things like organic apple juice as substitute, not with food, but to hydrate me after—I don’t think I have ever been able to down over half of a bottle of water without getting physically sick.

Due to all of this, I have developed a paralyzing fear of the dentist. I have experienced root canals, crowns, fillings of all kinds. I’d say the only dental issue I’ve never had was the need for braces. I have such a large history of poor dental health, that I’m supposed to go twice, sometimes three times, a year. I try, I really do—but 9 times out of 10 I just end up rescheduling, putting months between the time I was originally supposed to go and when I actually do.

When I was about 7, I had my first root canal. And I felt all of it. They had given me the wrong amount of lidocaine.

That tooth, and the entire area surrounding it, hurt every single time I ate for YEARS until the tooth finally fell out. It genuinely seemed like whatever they’d done that day only made the original issue worse. This is the core reason of WHY I have such a fear of the dentist. I can handle fillings, sure. But due to what happened that day, my WORST FEAR, above all else, is finding out that I have to have another root canal. That is why I reschedule my appointments.

This is extremely embarrassing, but in order to be able to ask for any sort of help, I want to be entirely honest about my situation. That, and I want to give people like me a place to know that they aren’t so alone.

I developed agoraphobia because I would isolate myself for so long, due to how bad I knew my oral hygiene was. I used to wear masks when I did finally have to go out in public. I have rotted 80% of the enamel off of my teeth. I can’t eat candy without sharp pain. I have stopped smiling in pictures, and stopped laughing with my friends, because I’m worried about my breath—even if I brushed my teeth before the event.

I want to fix it.

So, I’m on here asking for help. My family will not listen to me, because like I said, they do not believe in high functioning autism. They berate me and torment me about my situation, because in their eyes, it’s laziness. A pure lack of character. So if anyone has ANY sort of suggestions for a toothpaste I could try, or really ANYTHING that could make my life a little bit easier, I welcome it. Right now I’m using Crest sensitive toothpaste, and I can’t stand the spicy feeling of the mint. Sensitive, because like I said, I hardly have any enamel.

Someone PLEASE help, offer advice, suggestions, anything—or if you have none, even support, or at best, understanding—would be greatly appreciated. I am really struggling and I have been my whole life. I’m angry and hurt that nobody was there to help me as a kid but now that I have a voice I am going to use it to the best of my ability

because everyone who knew I was ND refused acknowledge the issue and just... waited. for me to grow out of, for me to just magically get better. part of me is convinced they believe it would've all just gone away if I didn't discover it and started taking it seriously.

and the truly insidious part is that I held onto hope too. that one day, I'll get better, I'll be fixed, I'll grow out of it. and by the time it truly hit me, by the time I was grieving a life it turned out I didn't even have a sliver of a chance to have, everyone else around me got so comfortable in their beliefs they were completely apathetic to my panic. I had to face it alone, the fact that I'm incapable of facing it alone. as a child and teenager I resented my parents, teachers and everyone who claimed to have my best interest at heart, but who also just tried to shape me into something more comfortable for them, and I wanted out. I wanted to be independent so bad, I had to learn my own needs as an adult, and to this day I still can't answer the question "how can we help you?".

right now I'm completely dependent on one person, who's working himself into the ground to keep me alive, and if he just drops dead of exhaustion one day (which is highly likely if something doesn't change soon), I'm fxcked.

because my body won't react when I give a command. because my brain is too jumbled and I keep getting lost in there for days, weeks at a time. and it's not getting better without others helping me. but no one believes me I need help in the first place.

it's cruel to even insinuate that I prefer not having a life, that I prefer not being able to afford anything that could bring me joy, that I prefer not being able to inhabit the body I wish I had, that I prefer the abusive, neglectful parents I have.

I want to be so much more, I KNOW I could be so much more, I already helped so many people with just a handful of videos, and I have so many ideas of what I could create if I just had the resources and support.

but only one person cares, and try as he might, he's no god, he can't fix my whole life, no matter how much he wishes to.

so I'm just locked in a cage I wasn't even allowed to pick, and my jailers who swallowed the key insist if I really wanted out, I could just break all my bones and squeeze through the gaps between two bars.

The other reason i made those paws is to help when I'm having a meltdown.

Unfortunately, I had to test them the other night.