#asachild

Another personal blog because this was on my mind. My parents never positively encouraged me to think about my feelings as a child, which meant I missed out on the opportunity for me to be able to process my feelings.

Knowing about autism as a child would have makes that process even more difficult. As the adult, I have had to start at the beginning to learn how to process my feelings. Unless something becomes obvious and I have an answer straight away, it can be scary and a challenge to work through.

I try to think about what I feel, to see if I can rationale what I’m thinking, because I know I don’t sit well with discomfort, but I need to get better at changing the thought process that comes with the discomfort, so I panic less.

‘To accept’ something is to shift that thing. Accepting we feel what we feel, is the first step towards working through any process. For me it’s not about resisting the feeling, because I know the feelings are there. I need to be able to deal with those feelings without the need to panic. 

As I begin to accept and own my feelings without a need for me to fix or judge myself, I know I didn't need to do either as a child. My disability was never about me, but other people's issues of me living with a disability.

I know accepting what I deal with, helps my feelings dissipate and that always helps.

It’s important I know I have Autism, not so that I define myself by it, but knowing I have it means I can look back on my memories and rightly place them with my Autism diagnosis.

It’s fair to say that I was never encouraged to think independently as a child. In a way that helped with my neurological issues, because I coped better not having to make decisions. Sensory issues flag up so many issues that you don’t always understand, and without the understanding, it’s easy to place those experiences elsewhere.

So memories like going to guide camp I am now able to recall my problems and place my experiences better. Even before I got to gamp, the whole idea filled me with trepidation. Having touched base with camp, I remember feeling incredibly scared. My stomach was in knots. Feeling panicky and being completely out of my depth, by tea time those in charge had already called my parents for them to take me home.

Since my diagnosis and for the first time now, I am able to place and understand my experiences. It was all down to my sensory issues that I didn’t know I had and I thought it was all about being homesick. Just thinking about something can send my mind into overdrive. The whole camp thing didn’t look or feel right and it not feeling right made me feel homesick.

The open spaces made everything feel and look scary. Everything about camp felt scary. I can remember those feeling as if they were yesterday. They are the same feelings I get when I work through anything new.

I remember being invited to stay with family in Grimsby for a few days and my mum dropping me off at my father’s work because he was taking me. But I froze because I knew I couldn’t do it. I didn’t go.