#as.angst

The argument started over him wanting to pursue Blackbeard. Thatch’s death had hit him hard and he insisted the traitor had to pay. Everyone on the crew, including Pops, begged and pleaded with him not to do it; it was too much of a risk. But Ace, stubborn as ever, wouldn’t have any of it. You were the last hope to stop him.

It hadn’t started off as an argument; you calmly told him you didn’t think he should go on a manhunt for Blackbeard and that was all it took for him to snap. He was tired of everyone trying to change his mind and the fact that even you, the love of his life, was trying to stop him infuriated him. 

His voice rose before he could think twice. The originally civil discussion quickly descended into a near-screaming match lacking any logical arguments and letting the winner be decided by who could say the most hurtful things the loudest.

Ace won.

“Why does it matter what I choose to do? It’s not like we’re even a couple.” The scathing remark on the tip of your tongue withered and died. You couldn’t even speak, your mind desperately trying to process what he just said. 

“What do you mean?” It was impossible to keep your voice under control. It shook as you tried to hold your tears back. 

“I mean I don’t want to be with someone who looks down on me so you have no right to say shit about me or my decisions. Now get out of my room, I have to pack.” The look in his eyes was what floored you the most. The usual soft gaze he reserved only for you was cold and harsh, no hint of fondness in it. But the look didn’t match the tears brimming his eyes or the trembling of his bottom lip.

You had seen him do this before; he was shutting down. Right before your eyes he was rebuilding the walls he spent so long knocking down. You felt helpless in that moment; how could you even stop him? He was so headstrong and stubborn that it felt like you couldn’t do anything to change his mind. Instead you did the only thing you could; you ran.

Your feet carried you out of the cabin. So many emotions flooded your mind as you ran past your confused crewmates, their concerned expressions blurred. You didn’t stop until you reached the stern of the ship. There was nowhere else to go; you were in the middle of the ocean and it would be days before you would reach solid land. The realization made another wave of tears stream down your face. You fell to your knees sobbing. 

You weren’t sure how long you cried for until you heard someone approaching you. Without looking up, you knew who it was. Heavy footfalls caused by his signature black boots usually made you smile in anticipation but now they filled you with a sense of dread. The last person you wanted to see right now was your apparent ex-boyfriend yet there he was. You stood silently and turned your back to him. Your arms rested on the railing and you kept your eyes on the moon reflecting off of the sea, hoping he would leave. He didn’t

Instead he came to stand next to you although a few feet apart. Neither of you said anything; what could you even say at this point? The damage was done. But he had come out here with a purpose and he wouldn’t waste this oppurtunity. 

“I’m sorry.” He said simply. All you did was nod in acknowledgement and wait. It wasn’t easy for him to admit he was wrong and it was even harder for him to accept the fact that he hurt someone he loved so you gave him some time to collect his thoughts. You could almost hear the gears turning in his head over the crashing of the waves against the Moby Dick.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did. Everyone has been telling me not to go after Blackbeard and then when you did it, I snapped. I was out of line for taking my frustration out on you and hurting you. Just because it was in the heat of the moment doesn’t make what I said okay even if I didn’t mean it.” By now his breathing was shaky and he was crying. Again you nodded, taking in everything he just said.

“So you don’t want to break up?” You finally responded, worry lacing your voice. 

“No. I want to be with you if you’ll let me.” His body turned to look at you and your watery eyes met. You both looked like absolute messes, the effect of the fight apparent. He slowly inched closer to you, giving you a chance to back away. When you didn’t he moved over even more and lightly grasped your hand. Your grip was weak, just barely reciprocating, but he could still feel your fingers lightly wrapping around his. “I clearly have my own issues to work on and I promise to. I won’t let my anger get the better of me next time and I especially won’t take it out on you. Even if you don’t want to be together anymore, I have to apologize.” That was all you needed to hear.

“What if they hate me?” He spoke even softer than you did. Despite how long you two had been together and how much you had been through, he still found it hard to be so vulnerable at times when it was related to his father. Immediately you knew why he asked that question. He told you about his past a little over a year into your relationship. He had grown up resenting his father and the legacy he left behind that caused him to question whether he was even meant to be born, constantly being told by others that he shouldn’t be allowed to live. You knew firsthand the effect it had on him and his relationships. 

His teeth dug into his bottom lip as he tried to will away his tears. Images of people telling your child all sorts of bad things about him and how they shouldn’t have ever been born raced through his mind. Scenes showing your child crying and cursing his name, refusing to even acknowledge the pirate as his father. The thought of his child screaming “I hate you!” is what made him break.

Through trembling lips he continued. “What if they don’t want to be my child?” 

With a quiet “Oh Ace” you wrapped your arms around him fully and held him tightly, stroking his hair. He clung to you and let a few tears slip out, wetting your shirt. The feather light kisses you left on his head comforted him more than he could put into words. It only took a few moments for him to calm down. 

“Our child is going to love you.” He tensed at your words but you pressed on. “I won’t lie and say everyone has good things to say about you but you’ll prove to our kid that those people are wrong and they have an amazing father.” He went to open his mouth to protest but you were having none of it.

“Not that your cooking isn’t good, it’s amazing and I love every dish you make and I’d never try to replace you as the ship’s cook but I think it’d be good to know how to cook in case-” Something happened to you. The thought filled you with dread but his delighted laugh cut you off. He didn’t seem to realize what you were going to say.

“Of course I’ll teach you. We can make something right now if you’re ready.” He walked around the kitchen, gathering exactly what ingredients he needed for the recipe. Originally he was going to cook something more complicated but he changed it so you would be able to handle it. You watched him as you washed your hands and put on an apron. When he noticed you had put the cloth over your head, he put the fresh vegetables in his hands on the counter and rushed over to you.

“Let me.” He whispered softly in your ear as he tied the apron. Before he separated from you he planted a kiss on the back of your neck and turned you around. You could practically see the hearts in his eyes; the immense amount of love he had for you shown in such a simple gaze. You couldn’t fight the urge to smile at him. You two stayed like that for another moment before you broke out of your trance. 

“Let’s get started.”

–

You expected to struggle with cooking the dish but Sanji made it easy. Not that cooking was easy; you’d watched him in the kitchen enough to know how difficult it truly was, but the dish was fairly simple and he was the best person to learn from. He patiently explained everything step by step and showed you exactly what you needed to do. Whenever you messed up, he praised your efforts before quickly fixing it. You two enjoyed the companionable silence before he spoke up while stirring the sauce that was simmering on the stove top.   

“So what made you want to learn how to cook? Not that I’m complaining, I love that you want to, especially together but you’ve never expressed interest in it and I’m curious.” The question made you stop chopping the pepper in front of you as you purse your lips. 

You had two reasons for wanting to learn how to cook. The first was one that brought tears to your eyes; you had to be prepared if he did die. It was the harsh reality of the pirate lifestyle: the crew wouldn’t survive long without a proper chef. Half the crew was useless in the kitchen and the ones who weren’t had other jobs that were too important to give up. That meant unfortunately you had to be ready for the worst case scenario. You didn’t realize this until the last battle the crew had fought.

The fight left Sanji unconscious and left you at his bedside praying for whatever higher power was out there, if there even was one, to heal him. The enemy’s Devil Fruit power was infamous for sapping its victim’s energy, causing them to be out of commission for as long as a month, if they even managed to survive. It was also notorious for claiming countless victims; once powerful fighters dropped like flies if they were hit from an attack at full power. You weren’t sure how powerful a hit Sanji took but apparently it wasn’t as strong as you feared it was because Chopper assured you he’d be fine in a few days. 

What struck you the most is he took the hit for you. 

He practically spent hours a day telling you how much he loved you through his sweet words and selfless actions. Guilt occasionally filled you at how much he did for you; no matter how small the burden, he was willing to bear it for you with a smile on his face. This was on a new level. He risked his life without a second thought for you and you felt sick at the thought of a life without him. No more waking up next to him or feeling his lips on yours or tasting his amazing food, full of the best ingredients and love for you. You spent most of the time at his bedside holding his hand while crying. 

The second reason was he needed the love he so selflessly gave to be given back. His actions weren’t just limited to you; he went above and beyond for everyone (although he somehow managed to surpass that when it came to you and women). It seemed like he didn’t know how to be selfish; everything he did was to ensure the happiness of others. His heart was so big and he had so much love to give and you wanted to make sure he knew he deserved as much in return. If you knew how to cook that was one burden you could shoulder for him. Plus he deserved to be taken care of. It took a moment to collect your thoughts, trying to figure out how to put them into words.

“I just… want you to know you’re loved.” He began to ask what you meant when you cut him off. “You do so much for everyone, so much for me, and sometimes it feels like I can’t give you much in return. Especially after what happened in the last battle…” You trail off as several scenes flood your mind: the light of incoming attack, his body seemingly appearing out of nowhere to shield you, his anguished scream as he was hit, his bandaged body on the bed in Chopper’s office. Before you could stop yourself you started to cry. “What if something happens to you? You survived this time but what if the next time is different?” 

Within seconds he had walked over to you and turned your body so he could hold you. One hand soothingly stroked your back while the other cradled your head as you sobbed. Tears soaked his shirt but that didn’t matter. Your arms wrapped around him tightly, as if you were scared your words would come true. 

“Don’t ever think for a second I don’t feel loved by you. I haven’t been loved most of my life,” The statement made you cry even harder. “But you always manage to make me feel like I’m worthy of it and that the love I give you is returned tenfold. Every day I wake up and think about how lucky I am to have someone who loves me as much as you do.” You felt the top of your head begin to dampen and you realized you weren’t the only one crying. Sanji’s past was something he didn’t like to talk about but you knew enough to know the lack of love left a lasting impact on him. 

“And don’t worry. I’m not dying anytime soon.” He pulled back and looked at you with the same love-struck expression he always did; the one that made you feel like you were a star in the sky. 

Perhaps the numerous romance novels you read deluded you into believing that your first love would be as head over heels for you as you were for them. Yet here you were, watching the man who stole your heart talking to the woman who stole him. His eyes lit up as he listened to her speak; he hung on every word that came out of her mouth. His laugh was exaggerated from a mix of nerves and an eagerness to show his interest. With the way she looked at him with the same lovestruck expression, it was obvious that interest was reciprocated. You were left to watch from the sidelines, your eyes stinging and an inexplicable tickle in your throat.

—

Maybe you were a sadist. Maybe there was a sick part of you that liked to be hurt; that took some kind of morbid pleasure in giving yourself reasons to lay in bed crying at night. Maybe that’s why you always asked about her. 

“She’s good! I’m actually going to see her after this.” His smile grew wider at the thought of spending more time with her. You felt the normal feeling of despair but something else. Something strange. You felt the urge to cough. 

Before you could stop yourself, you began to hack. It felt like your throat was burning. Even when you had been sick with bad flus or colds, you never felt like this. You knew something was coming out of your mouth but you didn’t know what. It pushed up your throat, its soft texture grazing your insides until finally it flew out into your hand. Curiosity had you looking at it. Your eyes widened at the sight.

“Are you okay?” He leaned over and whacked you on the back. At some point during your fit his glass of water had been pushed in front of you on the table. The concern in his eyes usually would’ve made your heart flutter but all you could think of was what you were holding. Despite it being light as a feather it felt like you were holding a boulder in your hands. Before he could see you covered it, putting your hand under the table and crushing it with your fingers. You cleared your throat. 

“Yeah I’m fine. Can you hand me a napkin?” He complied and you quickly wiped your hand on it. You couldn’t help but look down at it, desperately hoping you were mistaken. Unfortunately you weren’t and your stomach churned.

It was a petal. 

—

They were all over each other. They had been touching in some way the entire night, whether it be his hand on her waist or her arm looped with his or even their pinkies linking during a conversation. The worst was seeing them kiss and pull away with fond smiles. She would always giggle and he’d grin so big his eyes closed into crescents, his smile lines on full display. 

Your only company for the night was the numerous bottles in front of you. The burn of the alcohol was nothing compared to the burn of coughing up petals for the past few months but it was a distraction. Plus getting drunk allowed you to temporarily numb the pain both physically and emotionally. Koala must’ve felt your eyes on them because she turned to you and then turned to Sabo, a concerned look in her wide eyes.

You really couldn’t hate her no matter how much you wanted to. If she was a bad person this would’ve been so much easier but she was an absolute sweetheart. You had never had an unpleasant interaction with her and she treated you with nothing but kindness and you knew she did the same to him which was comforting in a way. He deserved happiness and love even if you weren’t the one giving it to him.

Sabo’s gaze found you at her words and he said something back to her quickly, kissed her cheek and walked towards you. You wanted nothing more than to run, run as far away from this stupid party and headquarters and him. But you wouldn’t make it very far since he wouldn’t hesitate to chase after you. You braced yourself as he sat down next to you.

“Hey what’s wrong?” It took everything in you not to cry. Seeing how much he cared was painful and the alcohol certainly didn’t help your emotions.

“It’s noth-“ You were cut off by your sudden coughing fit. Lately, the fits were more frequent and the petals more plentiful; plus they lasted much longer. It was concerning but there was nothing that could be done. Rather than let him see what was about to come out of your mouth you abruptly stood up. 

Now you had no choice but to run, your hand clamped to your mouth.  

—

You had just barely made it to the bathroom when the petals shot out of your throat uncontrollably. The sound of the door opening could just barely be heard over your hacking. In your haste to get away you had forgotten to lock the door allowing the last person you wanted to see to enter the bathroom.

Sabo simply wanted to make sure you were okay. It must’ve been shocking to see you like this; you had been very good at hiding your condition from him these last few months. Everything about the situation was unfair and you finally snapped. A hollow laugh bubbled from your throat, your brain not knowing how else to cope. It was void of humor and the sound was chilling. Your throat was still scratchy after coughing so much, giving it an even more unsettling edge. The bitterness and pain were easy to detect, in addition to the tears streaming down your face. 

You looked at the petals in your hands. The bright yellow of them was stained with red, evidence of the progression of your disease. Your realization had you laughing even harder on the bathroom floor. Sabo’s eyes widened as understanding set in.