#aroace asks

If you’re aroace and you want it, there’s your answer! Although labels can help to a certain extent, I think there are times matching our emotions to labels can be confusing. We might not have the language to explain how we feel or what we want.

Relationships are a spectrum and there’s more than just “close friends” and “romantic partner”. We have some labels for things like “queerplatonic relationship” but even then, theres an entire color wheel of relationships out there. Focus on what makes you happy, not trying to define your relationships to a society that wasnt even made to fit us.

Have you come out to anyone? If so, how did you tell them? How did they react?

I have come out to 3 people. Since it's a low number, I can count all 3 stories, I guess.

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The first one was unexpected, in february this year. I was sure about being ace for a long time, about being aro for 1 or 2 weeks. One friend of mine, that lots of times asks me random questions, asked me what my sexuality is (by message). I was sure about it and thought I was ready to come out. (also I probably said how that ask was innapropriate, but I wasn't surprised bc he does that stuff often). Also he is one of my closest friends, so why not?

He said something like "You'll find the right person" and "You probably felt a crush but haven't realized that". That was the moment when I realized that no, I wasn't really ready to come out. I didn't have the energy to explain better. So the conversation died and we never touched that stuff again (after that I thought that I could have argumented with something like “you haven’t found the right guy”, but I couldn’t bring that conversation up again)

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The second one was also a surprise. But a good one. This is a really wholesome story, that happened somewhere between February and March.

So, I was in a choir class (I have music classes outside of school) and the person that was by my side was showing me memes. When they were scrolling on the gallery, I saw a rainbow flag, so I said something like “same” (I was talking more about seeing queer memes than being queer, but both are true). They asked me “what letter?”. Although we aren’t that close, they were obviously queer, so I said “A”. They said “me too!”. So I came out as aroace and they came out as ace and nonbinary, and that was so cool! After that, they showed me ace memes! It’s so nice! For now they’re the only ace person I know. I don’t know any aro irl (at least for now).

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The third one was to my closest friend, the one I really, really wanted to come out to, but I thought too much about it since there would be a chance of her reacting badly.

We’re in different classes, so it wasn’t easy to find each other. On a break between classes, we were together. She told me personal stuff that involved a good friend of hers coming out as trans. During that, I was thinking “this is my chance! I’ll do it now! Or is itinnapropriate?”. After she told me that stuff, I didn’t know how to react (because it was something very surreal and dramatic tbh). But whatever, I came out. And she said, “I know you since 10th grade!” (so for 2 years, basically), as a way to say “It was so obvious, I knew that all along!”. She was so chill about it, I was relieved. In May I showed her photos of pride pins I made. She’s basically the only person I can show pride stuff to.

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I wanted to come out in person to the rest of my friends, they would be so cool about it, but it’s not easy to put that stuff in the middle of a conversation, it’s not that relevant, and quarantine happening made all that stuff complicated. We hung out sometimes, but now we aren’t that much together. I assume some of them already know, because I was so obvious.

Wow, this is such a big text! (I’m compensating nanowrimo that I’m not doing XD (jk))

My mom has an incredibly full life. She’s got lots of friends of all ages, fulfilling hobbies, and a shitty little dog that she loves to pieces. I never worry about her being bored and lonely.

She has this neighbor in her apartment building. They help each other out the way couples do with tasks like grocery shopping, attending family events together, and they co parent the shitty little dog, but she swears up and down that there’s nothing romantic between them. They help each other with medication, hospital visits, and navigating the scary changes of getting old together. She and my grandpa used to argue about her getting remarried to this neighbor bc he didn’t want her to be “lonely”. My mom insisted that she’s not lonely and the relationship was not romantic. There’s love and companionship, but it’s “not like that”.

Back when I started to show interest in dating as a teen my mom was so confused. “You actually want to go on dates? My mom used to force me to date and I hated it.” When I came out as gay as an adult she was like “That’s cool. I still don’t get why you wanna date people.”

My dad once told me a story about how early in their marriage, my mom once accidentally “dated” a different man without realizing that he was taking her out on dates. From her perspective she just was having fun outings with a friend. When the guy “came clean” and told my dad “I’m dating your wife” he just laughed because my mom had been excitedly telling him all about their “dates”. She missed every single clue that this guy had been laying down for her that he was interested. “He invited me to have breakfast on his boat! I’m so excited for the birdwatching that time of day!” (My mom also might be a little autistic but that’s neither here nor there). She just is not a romantically inclined thinker.

I love my mom very much and I’m so lucky to have her as a role model. She’s taught me that happiness is extremely versatile. You don’t have to follow a traditional set route for a complete life with meaningful relationships. Romance is a social construct as much as anything, and you are free to engage with it on your own terms. Don’t be afraid to live and love the way you want to. Your life will be fuller and happier for it.