#ari teman

A N.Y. Comic Came Home To Find His Airbnb Renters Hosting A “XXX Freak Fest”

“In his defense, I did not specify the no orgy policy in the Airbnb house rules,” he said. 1. Ari Teman, a comedian and Jewish charity organizer, told BuzzFeed he had been renting out his Chelsea studio for about a year on homesharing service Airbnb, with positive results.

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Ari Teman/Wikimedia Commons 3. Recently, Teman said someone named David booked his apartment for March…

We keep a number of hideouts, safe houses, in New York City for NBC talent. It enables us to ferret them away in the event of a scandal or just an aggressive paparazzi. Then there was that time Brian Williams got into a mini war with the city's ferret population. Actually, the only thing mini about it was the ferret size. If you've ever engaged in a week-long standoff with an urban ferret family, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

For the few readers who haven't gone to blows with a ferret, let me paint a picture for you. Actually, painting would be very dangerous because ferrets would use their tiny hands to stab you through the neck with your own brush. This is really how Bob Ross died. A ferret hired by a raccoon who Bob had painted to look fat.

Ferrets are bloodthirsty creatures, angry at everyone: bunnies for being voted cuter, snakes for superior coiling, raccoons for the cool party masks, and humans, mostly for voting on rodent attractiveness. They're not idle, though, and they've channeled their rage into thousands of years of training. Compared to a fight with a Master-level ferret, having a Krav Maga teacher kick you in the nuts feels like shiatsu massage. They attack from all angles at once, a single ferret can hit the back of your head while gouging your eyes. A master will also puncture your brain through your ear with its tail. The move is called, "The Furry Rainbow". Decency laws prevent me from describing  "The Fluffy Tail".

Brian, being the fearless warrior he is, paid no attention to the warnings of the Bronx Zoo handler on to do a fluff piece on NYC's indigenous animals. "Whatever you do, don't let the ferret hear you call him funny-looking." Brian was busy questioning the otter but nodded in affirmation.

"Places!", called the producer.

"People and things!", called the lame stand-in weatherman, who'd been trying -- and failing -- all day to win friends.

The producer counted down, and Brian turned dramatically to the camera.

"Welcome back. Many people think of New Year City as a concrete jungle, but there's plenty of wildlife in it, and we're not just talking the nightclub scene. We're joined now by Dr. Bonnie Rabith of the Bronx Zoo, just up the road, to teach us about New York City's indigenous wild life. Welcome back, Bonnie."

"Thanks for having me Brian."

"Now, who is THIS funny-looking guy!?"

Boom! The ferret leaped from the table fast enough that its nails caused sparks on the table. Brian's suit was turn, in the shape of an S where his heart would be. A clump of his hair was missing."

A dozen zoo staff, suddenly heavily padded, looking more like a bomb squad, rushed the stage. Cages were slammed shut and whisked off. So was Bonnie Rabith. As she was rushed out the door she shouted back, "I warned you!"

NBC Security's secretive Titanium Group appeared suddenly, a collection of special forces veterans from the Seals and Israel's Paratrooper division -- ferrets often attack from above. "I understand we have a ferret situation," said a man with a mustache we only know by the number 7. We heard a thud. The Grip in the rafters had been defenistrated and thrown to the ground.

"That's a warning," said 7 knowingly, "The ferrets are coming."

He turned to two of the men by his side, who had cutoff shotguns drawn -- a ferret can evade a single bullet, so shot works better -- "Eight, Twelve, protect the Minnow's Nest." Apparently, that's their code name for Brian Williams, undoubtedly because the Australian Minnow loves to fornicate in his hair.

The two agents, and our regular special detail formed a circle around Brian and ran him out if the room, Kevlar tarp over his head to prevent an aerial ferret attack.

We got him to a Safehouse in Washington Heights -- the northern tip of Manhattan, a dense, mostly residential enclave of Dominicans and Orthodox Jews.  In the van, Eight and Twelve stripped Brian, put his clothing into a double-layered plastic bag, and coated him with a mix of baby powder and petroleum jelly -- to prevent the ferrets from tracking the scent -- the reason for them gouging out a piece of his suit and hair. Brian looked like a shiny marble statue. He was given a fresh pair of underwear, and a forest green velour track suit made entirely of rayon and elastic.

"This will hold us for an hour, but it's not going to be long before the ferrets figure it out -- their network is strong up here, we're talking about a den ten stories deep into the ground, and hundreds of rooftops," said Eight.

"I think we need to call in Haimishe," said Twelve to Eight.

"Who's Haimishe?" I asked.

"A rabbit. His real name is Gustavo Emilio Batista. Formerly a member of the Sandinistas, one of Augusto César Sandino's inner circle, and one of the deadliest assassins in history. When the US government, found his family, he fled to the USA and transmogrified into a white rabbit, taking up residence in a newlywed Jewish couple's home. When they're not home he jumps out of the cage and patrols the neighborhood."

"A transmogrifying Hassidic rabbit assassin from the Sandinista party, are you kidding?"

"They're Modern Orthodox, not Hassidic -- this is Yeshiva University territory -- and I don't know what you think is so funny about a citywide, coordinated, deadly ferret attack." He turned to Eight, "Blow the whistle."

A N.Y. Comic Came Home To Find His Airbnb Renters Hosting A “XXX Freak Fest”

“In his defense, I did not specify the no orgy policy in the Airbnb house rules,” he said. 1. Ari Teman, a comedian and Jewish charity organizer, told BuzzFeed he had been renting out his Chelsea studio for about a year on homesharing service Airbnb, with positive results.

View this image ›

Ari Teman/Wikimedia Commons 3. Recently, Teman said someone named David booked his apartment for March…