#arciyourthoughts

i've been grieving. some might even say that i have for far too long.

this is a letter to you, you dumbass.

with 20 minutes left on your birthday, i realized that i've wanted to write you one ever since we stopped talking. through the years, i've thought about writing it physically then having a mutual friend hand it over, or just simply writing it digitally and dropping a .pdf in our ghost town of a chatbox. i've daydreamed about the day you'd read it, possibly approach me, and we'll start talking again.

that's all there was to it---daydreams.

maybe that's why i couldn't sit still the whole day. i couldn't lock in for the life of me. let's just say it's because of that. you. the thought of you.

whatever.

i miss you.

maybe i should write to you.

so, here i am. writing a post in my anonymous blog that you probably won't ever see. but it's something.

honestly, i don't even know what to say. i don't know where to start. it's been so long, and maybe i just have too many stories to tell you that i can't find which to begin with. maybe it's because i don't know what words you even want to hear from me. do you want to hear about how college has been for me? do you want to know how my dogs are doing? do you want me to ask about your cats, family, friends, or significant other? i don't even know if you do want to hear from me.

i don't even know why exactly we stopped talking to each other. we just... did.

2 minutes left. my eyes are puffy, nose filled with sniffles, chest heavy.

almost 3 years ago, i lost you in my life. and for 3 years, i've grieved over that loss.

i didn't know what to do. i've always thought about what could've been if i had reached out earlier, but the fact remains that i didn't, and i still hesitate to.

it's been so long... but i still think of you fondly. i hope you're well.

belated happy birthday, dumbass.

this crucial piece of information... wow and you're still talking to them???

i might be jumping into conclusions, but you probably got mad at me because you still like them.

i want to believe everything you've said... but why did you keep it from me?? everything else would've made sense from the start.

i'm just annoyed now,, and i can't even talk to you about it even if i wanted to because

guess what

you're mad at me again and you aren't telling me why

am i still supposed to care? does it matter? do i still wait?

i don't know what i should've done,, debating w/ myself and weighing the pros and cons...

it's actually 5:45am as i'm writing this and i guess you could say that i'm very much an emotionally compromised wreck right now. i've been sleeping at 5am? 6am? regularly??? i guess i don't exactly know. i've lost track of time and i'm just grateful that we didn't really have much synchronous classes for the past week

these past 3 weeks have been,, surreal. they're almost like a whole fever dream and i still haven't woken up from

too much has happened and i guess that's what i get for asking for some sort of thrill to come into my life because i guess i've been dormant in the feeling aspect?

i wasn't bad dormant,, it's more of a stable kind of dormant, actually. i don't understand why i asked for that peace of mind to falter in the first place.

i was already happy.

but then i chose to be dumb

and reckless

too reckless.

reckless to the point of losing what made me feel secure for the past year.

i already cried this out so now i just feel numb.

i'm sad,,, maybe repenting? i admit i was lost in the spur of the moment and i liked what happened but fuck i don't want that to happen again.

i wish i just left it at that---wondering about that other universe i had mentioned---but i got too greedy. i wanted to see how it felt like. damn, i'm not in an otome where i could just see what it's like to be with other characters then switch back.

i know i'm not making any sense here for anyone who's gonna be reading this but yeah i guess that's the whole point,,,

i'm so confused

i'd love to say that the past 3 weeks have been shit but i guess i still uphold the idea of mine not to regret anything i've done. or maybe this will be my first ever solid regret,, we won't know... but what i know now is that i,, i was both happy and sad during those times.

now i'm just sad and i wish i could rewind to how it used to be before i even acted the way i did---ah see, i might be regretting it right now

today is the 5th of october in 2021

i’m writing this not only for checking the layout of huge block of texts for our school blog, but to get some sort of update across.

honestly, september went by so fast. the whole august was just me studying and reading bkdk fanfiction, rotting away in the bnha universe... but then september arrived and i got sick, my older brother got sick, my dad got sick--- thank the heavens my mom didn’t because oh boy that would be the worst case scenario. anyway, so we all got sick, i got better but then my dad was hospitalized and the next thing i know it’s already october and my dad’s back home and 3 weeks of school have gone by. 

i was so emotionally and physically drained. i couldn’t watch bnha on Netflix because i was quarantined and the only access to Netflix i have is on the TVs (that I don’t have in my room). i couldn’t exercise. i couldn’t get some SUN. but what i did have was my laptop and i got to play genshin impact :DD so that’s that.