DENIAL ARC COLLECTION.
POST TYPE: SOLO
TITLE: V. ‘THE NEED TO KNOW’ ( finale )
but still inside me coiled deep was the need to know...
2024. the milan from year ago wouldn't have believed where she'd be at the beginning of this year. she also wouldn't have liked most of it, as she cannot shake the feeling that she had traded off her personal happiness for professional success. if such a contract, written in plain language and full guarantee, was ever to be afford to her, she would decline it. she would always prefer to chase happiness over money and fame.
over half a month of the new year has passed, and she cannot say that she looks forward to the rest of it. because what is there to look forward? besides nova's activities, nothing much. nothing at all in fact.
because it's half a month within the new year, and she still hasn't seen her best friend. almost two months already since that fated day, since that bitter birthday. and what's success without him by her side? she can answer that; it tastes of ashes and bitterness, with a topping of guilt.
because it's half a month within the new year, and she has already made a fool of herself by seeking comfort where she shouldn't have had. by letting her guards down and committing the same mistake again. and though she has learned her lesson, the pain lingers. and once more she wonders...
milan takes a deep breath and blinks the tears away from her eyes. now's not the time to cry. she'd had a whole week to do that. and so, she plasters a smile on her face before pushing the door of nova's dorm opened. "hello! milanie is back" she exclaims, pulling her suitcase along.
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i whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet. i threw myself into a volcano, i drank the blood and drank the wine, i sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God. I crossed myself in thought, i saw the devil, i grew thickened skin on my feet, i bathed in bleach
as pleasant of manager shinhye is, milan has never felt as uncomfortable in her life. the issue isn't shinhye, but herself and the dissonnance between what her head tells her and how she feels. logically, she knows that she should be proud, grateful and joyful from all the blessings and opportunities she's received this year. yet, all she feels is sadness. and that annoys her to no end. as she bites on her lower lip nervously, she mentally chastises herself for how ungrateful she's being, but still, her feelings do not change and her mood only worsens
what were some of your greatest accomplishments this year and out of all of them, which one was the most memorable one for you?
"i've really been blessed this year when it comes to opportunities and accomplishments" she begins. yes, she's aware, she has a list in her mind and its stellar. but since the heart isn't in it, her words taste like ash in her mouth. truth in mind only. "everything i have done with nova has been an accomplishment; from making it to the group, to debuting, to participating in the comapany concert, being part of a unit with fabula, all the awards and wins we've had... but if i have to pick one, it would be of course nova's debut. everything else is also tied to this. so the debut is definitely central to my accomplishment and a memory i'll never forget."
what area(s) do you think you’ve personally improved on since the beginning of this year? [please list out the skill(s) and reason(s) why]
"oof" milan cannot help but exclaim at the question, her eyes widening a little, eyebrows shooting up. "perhaps in singing and dancing...?" she cannot help the questioning intonation at the end. uncertainty. the rookie idol knows she tried, still, she's keenly aware that she's still lacking and suspects she'll always be nova's weakest link. "or at least, i tried to improve in these areas the most" she ends up saying with a small chuckle.
what are some of your personal goals for 2024?
even if her 'go with the flow' nature has bitten her in the ass this year, in truth, milan hasn't changed much when it comes to planning ahead. which makes this the question she has to think about the most. "i... i wouldn't really call that a personal goal, since it's nothing really specific... you asked earlier what i've improved on this year and even if i think i have grown as a singer and performer, i feel that i'm still lacking and trailling behind the other members. so this year, i just want to bridge the gap between them and i further"
in the group, what do you consider your biggest weakness and what can you do to improve on it?
she smiles faintly at the question, knowing that shinhye likely has a list of questions she needs to get through. "i think it's obvious that i struggle the most with my performance skills. i had the shortest training period and didn't sing or dance prior to joining legacy, so i've always been catching up to someone or another as a trainee. rarely anybody ever needed to catch up to me..." she explains. "being on stage in front of fans and having many opportunities to perform has really helped me grow faster than before, but it's still not enough. i want to spend more time training on my own to improve, especially in singing and dancing.
aside from the role attached to you (eg. main vocalist, lead dancer, etc.) what else do you think you contribute to the group?
"i like to believe that i have a some wits and a fun personality. through these, i can contribute to the group the most during variety shows." she says, for once confident in her answer. "i really don't care about making a fool of myself. since we mostly do content with our own staff or go on shows to promote ourselves, i know the staff will likely edit the content for only our best sides and funniest moments to be shown. so i just try my hardest to be entertaining and trust that they know their work."
as a group, what do you hope to accomplish in the next year or two?
once again, a question about the future. the pause isn't as long this time. "i'd love for us to go on a solo world tour! perform in huge arenas and meet fans from all over! it would be great to have a lightstick by then, to witness fan seas in our color." it's the first time today that she smiles enough for her teeth to show. "i know we aren't at the stage of being able to fill arenas yet, so first, we need to grow in popularity. so yeah," she raises a hand to list off the accomplishment she just thought about "get a lightstick, oh! i forgot; have a fandom name" she quickly adds in, "become more popular, go on an arena world tour." is that too ambitious? it is for the next year or two. two years should be enough to get there, no? who knows, she isn't best at planning things so far in the future.
DENIAL ARC COLLECTION.
POST TYPE: SOLO
TITLE: IV. ‘RIVER’
i slowly did not speak another word. and that time my hair I grew past my ankles.
i slept on a mat on the floor; i swallowed a sword; i levitated.
into the basement, confessed my sins and was baptized in a river, got on my knees and said, "Amen" and said, "i mean".
december 25, evening.
the water from her bath had cooled down a enough for her to shiver. yet, flesh covered in goosebumps, she still doesn't move. doesn't get out of the water, doesn't open the tap for hot water. the room is dark, the silence only broken by the sound of her tears hitting the water or a soft sniffle.
the past several days have been filled with activities, to the point of barely having any time to sleep. even less to think. but the past 2 days have been quieter. too quiet. with thoughts as her only noise.
for the first time in several years, she has used avoidance. she has broken a tradition out of fear of facing him. the worse part is knowing that he would never realize the reason why she has done so. for the first time in her life, it makes her feel small. it makes her feel insigificant. the balance of giving and taking has broken. she has nothing left to give. all her life it's all she's done; giving happiness, giving understanding, giving love. she has given so much that only a void is left. a void that needs. needs comforting, needs touching, needs love.
love... but love as she desires it isn't something a girl like her receives. this the first lesson growing up taught her and she has paid dearly for forgetting it.
slowly, she bends her knees. water submerges her shoulders and she shivers. subermerges her neck, then her lips, her nose and eyes. at least now she can't cry as unprompted thoughts hit her with finality;
girls like her are bound to give happiness, not receive it.
YEAR END BEHIND THE SCENES: MAMA DAY 1
POST TYPE: SOLO
the tears had begun on stage, as whoever had been designated to deliver their winning speech as 'best new artist' of the year spoke. milan hadn't been able to listen nor pay attention, too busy trying to hold back the feelings overcoming her. a pat in the back, from someone - who she couldn't recall - hadn't managed to comfort her, quite the opposite. she had been herded in following the rest of her members backstage, and then... just then she let the dam crack.
what had been round tears slowly falling down her cheeks on stage became a deluge. a force of nature. the quiet affair that she maintained on stage was now unapologetic sobs, worse than anything she had been hiding from her members of days now. she choked at the mix of emotion in her chest, pounded it a few times even. where there should have been happiness, confusion resided. a whirl of feelings, of thoughts, of past events and present situations all mixed up together. the guilt of feeling undeserving of standing next to the true winners of this awards, the guilt over being unable to find happiness in this very moment, the guilt of being in this position over others who deserved it more than her, and most of all; the heartbreak of not being able to share this achievement with the person who mattered the most to her. not now, not ever. all because of her.
she barely noticed the whirlwind of activity around her, the voices, the fuss. later she would apologize to her group for the scene she caused, adding more guilt to her tallysheet towards them.
it lasted a minute, an hour, a decade, a lifetime. milan wasn't too sure. in reality, it lasted just enough time for shinhye to push a pill in her mouth, make it go down with some water forced down her throat, and a few minutes to pass. then she calmed down. the strangest type of calm she ever felt. a crushing sense of peacefulness that left so space for any of the feelings that had overcame her. or maybe just the allure of peacefulness as nothing truly resonated inside her at that moment. full emptiness.
but at least, she had no tears left to cry. neither for this award show, nor the following ones
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DENIAL ARC COLLECTION.
POST TYPE: SOLO
TITLE: I. 'I TRIED TO CHANGE'
october 1
over the chuseok holidays, milan had come to some conclusions; something is wrong with her and needs to be fixed. in truth, those conclusion were the culmination of weeks of questionement, self doubt and straw grasping for understanding. perhaps if milan dealt with her negative feelings and thoughts in a healthier way, or felt comfortable expressing them through more outlets, somebody would've noticed the unhealthiness in those carefully laid out bullet points in her journal. a careful step by step laid out plan to 'fix' what she perceives is the issue with her. external eyes would notice right away that each step strips away at her core, strips away at her uniqueness, would make her into someone else. but this is not how this story goes.
changing doesn't come easily, and the clothing coordinator likely noticed milan wandering around her aimlessly right away. there isn't much subtletly in the way the idol steal glances her way. milan, after all, isn't very studious when it comes to fashion. she prefers simplicity and even childisness over trendy and flattering. on days without schedules, milan is more likely to be dressed like a 10 year old boy than a young woman. she might not complain about stage outfits, but her clothes usually account for her nature and rarely are too tight or too revealing. in other words, milan's presence is akin to an elephant in a porcelain shop.
"did you need anything, milan?" the coordi finally asks. the answer is clearly positive, but the woman kindly decides to avoid embarrassing the poor girl. "oh! hmm." the idol squirms, she's tempted to flee for a second, postpone her plans, but words flash in her head.
need to change.
also, there's another matter; she has already thrown away most of her clothes away and prepared a bag with noeul's clothes stolen over time to give him back. her past self (or more like her 24 hours ago self) had correctly guessed she would chicken out otherwise. she sighs. "i... need help." she begins, eyes shifting. she had found the perfect excuse to explain her sudden decision, yet, those aren't the words she speaks. perhaps something inside her is wanting someone to notice, something inside her knows this is an sos, something inside her knows she needs help, not change. she ignores those voices and those inklings, still, it seems that they find a way to the surface. "my current style... i want to dress prettily, i need to dress prettily. but i don't know where to begin..."
