Dear Best Friend:

When you think of our friendship what do you see? Do you see the time we killed spiders in your tree fort out back of your house? The time we went on a breakfast date for the first time at sixteen without our parents? Or do you see the time we played with Bratz Dolls using my bedroom sink as a hot tub? Do you think of the time when we filled out Mad Libs extremely inappropriately and nearly peed our pants from laughing? How about the first time we tried to put horrendous bright blue eye shadow on and failed so miserably but we thought we looked awesome anyways?

I remember those times, but I don’t see those when I think of milestones in our friendship. When I think of our friendship, I remember the numerous times you held me crying when my parents were fighting before and after the three divorces. I remember the sleepovers we would have and I would refuse to let them be at my house because I was embarrassed of my family. I remember the strength you instilled in me. Telling me that everything was going to be okay. That those people that had wronged me would someday discover what they lost and that they would regret their decisions. They would look back and realize they threw away something fantastic. I remember confiding in you when my days seemed darker than my nights. When I no longer wanted to be here. You picked me up. The rest of the world had told me to give up, and you carried me, whether you knew it or not. You pulled me to shore after saving me from drowning myself. You loved me when I felt like no one else ever could.

I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed you when I realize that I never was able to do that for you. So here I am. Telling you all of the things I should have been telling you in the past eighteen years of our friendship.

I don’t ever want to hear you tell me that you’re not worth it. You will always be worth it to me. Part of me will always believe that you were put on this planet (for many other reasons, I’m sure) to love and be loved. And in doing so, you love me. You taught me the first thing about unconditional love. You taught me it was okay to trust someone that wasn’t blood. You showed me that I can’t choose my nuclear family, but I can choose another family; the kind of family that has your back even when your real family falls through the cracks like droplets of fallen rain on a stained wood deck. You are life’s Plan B. You were always there for backup whenever I needed it. And for that alone I will be eternally grateful.

You were put on this earth to hold my hand when I cry, grab me a tissue when I cannot muster the strength to get out of bed after a breakup, to heal my heart when everyone else has crumpled it up and tossed it into the recycling bin like discarded notebook paper. Somehow you managed to see potential in that crumpled piece of paper that is me. You miraculously seem to take that discarded trash, and fold it into something beautiful. Whimsical origami.

I would like to say that while growing up with you, I taught you a lot. I would be lying to myself if I didn’t include that you taught me more than I taught you. You taught me how to openly accept myself when nobody else did. You taught me that I mattered to you. That my secrets were worth sharing with someone I trust and worth staying kept between us.

Most importantly, out of everything I learned from you, I learned that I should always give 100% of my heart to everything and everyone. There is no other way to truly live a full life. You not only have the biggest most gracious heart of anyone I’ve ever met, but you know how to wield that thing like a dangerous sword. You can crush others with your compassion. But you also feel every ounce of their pain. It’s your greatest weapon against the wars in society but it’s also your biggest weakness. I realized this early on in our friendship when you screamed at a spider then almost cried after I killed it for you. You love something, even after it’s gone. And that’s the kind of love that is rare and beautiful. The kind of unique sort of heart that will go on giving and loving even after it’s been broken into a million pieces and scattered into the ocean like ashes. It’s poetic, admirable, and bittersweet to see how much you’re willing to give. And how much giving makes you so much of a better person. At the end of the day, you can always say that you gave your all. You gave it everything you had. The next day you come back even stronger, facing the next challenge like a fierce lioness claiming her territory.  

After everything I’ve said, there are a few simple things that I want you to know.

You should know that YOU ARE worth it. And whoever ends up loving you for the rest of your life better damn well realize that too. You give too much to receive so little or anything less than the ultimate best. No man is ever worth crying over. You shouldn’t waste such an emotionally intimate act on someone so minute in the grand scheme things. I know you will cry. And you are entitled to each and every tear that rolls down your cheek. Just know I will be there with a tissue box when they do roll.

I want you to understand that the world has a way of showing you things the hard way. Some people will back stab you, they will betray you, they will go against everything that YOU thought they believed in. It’s the world’s way of warning you those individuals are dangerous. Listen to the world. It will show you everything you need to know. When those people reveal themselves, focus on the good. Because there truly is SO MUCH GOOD in this fucked up world. Focus on the little things. Take baby steps. Breathe. It’s a bad day, not a bad life.

I would like you to know that even when I’m not physically there with you, I am always with you in heart and in spirit. We are connected by so many ties and so many bonds that we should just be Siamese twins. I feel what you feel. I hurt when you hurt. That’s what happens when you share a soul with someone. I’m always here.

You NEED to know that you are beautiful inside and out. In our generation, I don’t think I can say that about many people. You love so deeply and so intensely it’s almost unreal. If I could describe the inside of your brain, the best way to describe it would be a swatch of floral print fabric. The kind of floral print that you make a beautiful shirt out of that everyone compliments you on when you wear it. That’s you.

You must realize by now that there are people that have your back. Even when you are having a bad day I will always be there right by your side. I will fight off the demons that come tumbling out of your closet. I will drive away your fears with the snap of my fingers. I will fight for you until the end of time. Because I know that if the end were to come, you would already be doing the same for me. Back-to-back we would cover each other, much like we’ve always done in our many years of friendship.

You can take on the world. I have faith that you can do anything that you set your mind to. It’s hard for you to believe what you are capable of because many individuals in your life tell you your goals are unobtainable. I hate to shatter their completely false and condescending thoughts (I really don’t hate it, I actually love it) but your goals are obtainable. Because you are strong. You set a goal for yourself. And you always reach it. Time is just a measure, a concept invented by humans to keep track of things. But I believe it truly doesn’t matter how long it takes to fulfill a dream because ultimately if you are loving every second of that journey, you’re doing it right. The people that tell you otherwise want to see you fall. They want to see you fail. And they will wait with bated breath for you to trip, because they know in their heart of hearts they have nothing else in their life worth focusing on. So they’ll focus on you. Their negative beams will shine on you, but use them for spotlights as you dance across the stage. Everyone needs an audience anyways! And you best believe that I won’t be there with a spotlight or a beam. I’ll be the first one to start clapping when you’ve succeeded.

People are going to talk badly about you. That’s because you’re working on bettering yourself and being the person you truly want to be. Others will see that and want to talk badly of you. Don’t listen to their whispers. Because at the end of the day the only person you’re trying to impress is yourself. The people that truly matter will love you no matter what. Working on yourself and improving your life takes courage… Courage that these other individuals do not have. You have it. So trust yourself. Jump and grow your wings on the way down. 

Trust yourself. Of all things that I hope you learn the most about in this life, it’s trusting and loving yourself. You don’t always see what I see in you, and that’s because you let other’s cloud how you see yourself. Stop. Instead, listen to your gut. It’s an instinctual reaction and it’s there for a reason. Don’t listen to others because at the end of the day a decision for your life is still YOUR decision to make. If you need reassurance, you have mine. I trust that you are going to make the right decisions for you. Because I know you. Now it’s time you trust yourself. You have a strong and focused head on your shoulders and a compass that points true North. I see it. Other’s in your life see it too. Trust yourself and love yourself for everything that you are. Embrace your inner thoughts and feelings. Love who you are. Put yourself first. Because you matter.

The last thing I want to say is this… I love you for everything that you are, everything that you will become, and everything that you have shaped ME into. You aren’t just a best friend. You’re my platonic soul mate. We both came from the same star stuff. You’re my other half. And we can take on this world together. Because we have each other.

I love you so very much.

Anguish of Youth | Iced Earth

The wind's crying softly Tears stream down her precious cheeks The last goodbye to those she loves Before the final sleep 

The pain is just too much She can't even face another day Oh, the past, it haunts her The scars won't fade away 

The tragedy still haunts her The pain she cannot bear She wants to smile She wants to live Free from a life of despair 

The tragedy still haunts her The pain she cannot bear She wants to laugh She wants to love Free from a life of despair 

A life of pain and anguish An empty shell yearns to be free To break out from this prison Of flesh and blood, she lives 

Just one more shot of whiskey To chase the pills that help her sleep Now she's one step closer To quest for inner peace 

The tragedy still haunts her The pain she cannot bear She wants to smile She wants to live Free from a life of despair 

The tragedy still haunts her The pain she cannot bear She wants to laugh She wants to love Free from a life of despair 

The figure stands above her Upon her lifeless chest she beats He thrusts the soul back to her She now begins to breathe 

Awaken from this nightmare Her body shivers and it shakes She's forged a new perspective The scars begin to fade 

The tragedy still haunts her The pain she cannot bear She wants to smile She wants to live Free from a life of despair 

"Happy Man" by Christian Kane--

Well throw me under the train, Tie me down to the track, Let them big ole' wheels roll right over my back, I'll have a smile on my face All the way to the promise land.

Well toss me out of the plane, Watch me fall to the ground, No I don't care If my body ever gets found, The way you're lovin' me baby, I can die a happy man.

Now that I've tasted all your squeezin' and a touchin' Baby there ain't nothing I'd miss. There ain't no reason now for me to go on living Only heaven could be better than this.

So stuff me into a barrel, Lock some chains on my hands, Take me down to the river And send me over the dam, The way you're lovin' me baby, I can die a happy man. "Yes I can."

Now that I've had a little shot of your affection I can't imagine nothing I'd miss. There ain't no reason now for me to go on living Only heaven could be better than this.

So throw me under the train, Tie me down to the track, Let them big ole' wheels roll right over my back, The way you're lovin' me baby, I can die a happy man.