#aokong

Technically, it’s still 4/21 to me and it’s been 10 days. When I think back to the past week, I think I’ve endured and accumulated enough emotions for a lifetime. It seems like the time I knew you and randomly saw you on campus was in a parallel world or it was my past life. Whenever I think about all that’s happened in the last 10 days, it seems like so much happened. At the same time, there were so many periods of time where time seems to have stopped. 

I’ve felt helpless, hopeless, occasionally motivated, guilty, hatred, but when I think about how you’re not suffering anymore, I feel relieved too. I think of all the could haves and what-ifs for your life, our friendship, and so much more, but at the end of the day, you’ve still accomplished more than I can ever hope for. You’ve shed light on many growing problems in our small circle of friends, our larger campus, and how I am as a friend, sister, student, daughter, and most importantly, a person. It still seems so unreal that it’s been 10 days. It sounds like a long period of time and occasionally feels like that too. Yet, it also seems like it was just yesterday.

I tell myself I’ve accepted you’re gone, but every asian girl with any resemblance to you catches my eye. When I see someone in a white dress, have a tan bag with braided handles, or with ombre purple hair, I notice myself turning my head. Have I accepted you’re gone or am I better at avoiding the thoughts? Do I say this so others would stop questioning me or so I don’t make this about me? Am I trying to let you go so that you could truly be at peace or so our friends can move on from the pain I feel when I think of you?

Although the messages, posts, and articles about you have trickled down, you’ve never left my mind any less. I shed less tears, but the pain will not lessen. 

Ao,

I never really liked English and used to just sparknote all my books. However, occasionally, some quotes would be engraved in my heart. These timeless quotes were simply “wow” when I was young and in high school, but now, they are my life. 

I attend a school known for having two-faced students. Not the two-faced as in they smile at you and then stab you in the back. Two-faced as in we struggle, we cry, we hurt, but we turn around and tell everyone everything is okay. The PennFace is a mask we all wear. We try to show everyone that we are the elite  Ivy League students who can handle everything. But this mask lacks air holes. It almost suffocated me. I went through and I think I am still going through a continuous cycle of darkness in my life. But on 4/11/16, it suffocated my friend.

I have been around people who are battling depression since I have been a freshman in high school. The 3 people I’ve known the longest in my whole life, before my little sister was even born, have been fighting for their lives. I try to be with them and fight alongside them, but I’m sorry I missed one. I’m sorry you never felt comfortable enough to come talk to me. I don’t usually post, but I don’t want you to turn into a number like everyone else. I finally understood the quote from Fahrenheit 451. I know the pain of being with people who fight depression and suicide. But recently, I almost lost one of them and the fear of losing him was fearful. What I didn’t know, was the pain of actually losing a friend was so much worse. The fear I felt is nothing compared to this because deep down, I always only heard stories of these deaths and hoped it won’t happen. This time, it didn’t hit home. It tore a part of me and that part of me is forever with Ao.

Dear Ao,

You know, I never knew if you minded me calling you Ao. After calling you Ao for four years, it’s very hard to say Olivia when we get to college. I ask, but you just tell me it doesn’t matter and now I don’t know if it’s true anymore. For the past couple times I’ve seen you and talked you told me you were fine. I thought we understood each other to some extend that others didn’t. We both knew the PennFace was painful and the weight of it was crushing us. I’m sorry I thought you were okay and never asked more.

I don’t know if it’s true for you, but you were the first person in Central and in our grade that I remember having a conversation with. I still remember on that hot 80 degree day, I walked into the Geometry room and saw Ms. Gallis in an empty room. I didn’t realize the first class of my whole 9th grade was full of 10th graders and there would be no one there. Then you walked in. It was just us two and you became the first person I really met. That hour we spent talking was a very memorable moment to me. I was too shy to talk to others, but you made it so easy to open up to you and Ms.Gallis. We bonded over so much. 

We had classes together every year and I just took it for granted that you were one of the smart kids I would always be around. I really admired you. You were good at the sport that I failed at, you had the determination and work ethics that I lacked, you had the musical talent and amazing voice then I dreamed of. Most of all, you had the open and bright personality that I have always loved. There was never a doubt you would get into Wharton when you told me it was your dream school. 

I remember us always hanging out, studying, and eating dinner together freshman year. I saw us slowly drifting after you got a boyfriend, but I just assumed it would be okay because we weren’t the type to always hang out and talk anyways. It’s kind of one of those where we will see each other and talk like usual. Seeing you rush APO was surprising and I was so glad I had a chance to call you my brother. 

I don’t know if you knew, but besides that one time in 9th grade, you’ve brightened up my life multiple times. Remember when we worked at the Red and Blue call center? We always complained about our lives together and you made it bearable. This past summer I felt useless and insignificant, but you showed up to work and made the whole place seem brighter. Today, I told myself I would be okay going into the office because we weren’t the closest of friends, just friends, brothers, and good classmates. But when I sat at my desk and turned around, I saw your back. I heard your laugh. I can see you turning around with your phone, about to show me a Buzzfeed or instagram photo. I saw everything you could’ve become.

I can’t believe you’re gone. I tried to write something shorter on Facebook so many times, but I could never get past the first sentence. At first, I thought maybe because I felt bad. Maybe I felt like I was trying to get attention from your death. But I just realized, once I write all my feeling and memories out, I will be left bare. I will have to accept that you aren’t here. I keep looking at your chair at work or hoping if I go to another APO meeting then I will see you again. Maybe you’re just abroad again. But this time it’s different. You’ve left and gone to a better place free from all suffering and pain.