“is this your first time?” 👀
first nights and first times
aaron meets robert in a bar, and ends up being a part of a life changing night for the older man.
or, the au ficlet where aaron is robert’s first.
Robert seemed unusually nervous, Aaron noted, as he unlocked the front door of his flat. He’d spotted the blond at the bar earlier in the evening, dressed in a suit far too nice, considering it was a hole-in-the wall little gay bar in Leeds, the usual uniform of everyone there a jeans and t-shirt, the blond wearing a neat blue suit, matching tie, looking as though he’d just come from some sort of business meeting.
Still, he’d caught Aaron’s attention, the long lines of his encompassed in navy blue, the nervous smile on his face, and his bright blond hair catching his eye as Aaron nursed a beer and pretended to be interested in the pool game that his friends were playing.
“I wasn’t expecting company,” Aaron admitted, wincing as he took in the state of the flat. He’d left it in a shambles that morning, a half empty pizza box on the kitchen counter, plates piled high in the sink, washing half shoved into the washing machine, Aaron having forgotten to turn it on the previous evening.
Opening the fridge, Aaron grabbed two bottles of beer, snapping the caps off as he spoke.
Robert looked around, giving a slight shrug. “S’alright, I didn’t come around to inspect your flat,” he joked, accepting the bottle Aaron was passing him. He’d undone his tie a bit, since they’d left the bar, the top button of his shirt undone.
It was making him all the more attractive.
Aaron leaned against one of the kitchen counters, unashamedly looking Robert up and down. “You never said what you worked at,” he commented, beer bottle halfway to his lips.
He was pleasantly buzzed, but nowhere near drunk. Just, tipsy enough to be free of his inhibitions as he watched Robert, waiting for their conversation to continue.
Robert took a swig of his beer before he replied, his voice quieter than Aaron had remembered it being when they’d first started talking at the bar. “I work in sales,” he said. “It’s about as exciting as it sounds. You?”
“I’m a mechanic,” Aaron said, shifting a little closer to Robert. It had been so long since he’d been with anyone, and the smell of Robert’s cologne was intoxicating. He was painfully attracted to Robert, itching for the small talk to end and the good stuff to begin.
(And maybe he’d noticed what gorgeous hands Robert had, was it really a crime?)
“Mm, you could say that much,” Aaron laughed, taking another swig of his beer, his gaze obvious as he looked up, and down Robert’s lean body. “It’s not like sales is the most exciting thing in the world, though, is it?”
Robert laughed, visibly relaxing now. “Yeah, there’s more exciting jobs out there,” he confirmed. “I do make money though, so it’s not the worst thing in the world. Bought myself a classic car, n’all.”
“Oh, so you’re one of those blokes?” Aaron teased, setting his beer down on the counter. He’d learned a long time ago that there was a certain level of tipsy that made this sort of thing fun, and he was at that point.
No need to go overboard, really.
“Whats that supposed to mean?”
“You know, one of those blokes that drools over their car, probably had a good wank thinking about the interior design…..” Aaron smirked, moving so he was standing in front of Robert.
“I’ve never needed to resort to wanking off in my car,” Robert smirked, pulling Aaron in by the waist, making his first overtly confident move of the evening. It was nice, it was good, to have him take control, and Aaron was happy to rest his hands on his waist. “I’ve got plenty of options, me.”
Aaron snorted. “Way to make someone feel special, you dick,” he joked, leaning in to press a soft kiss to Robert’s lips, letting the other man deepen the embrace, the two of them snogging against the kitchen counter as if their lives depended on it.
Aaron had forgotten just how much he loved kissing someone. He’d broken up with Ed close to two years ago now, and he’d had a few one night stands, since, but nothing like the domestic bliss of a live-in boyfriend you could kiss whenever you wanted.
No, nothing quite like that.
Moving his hands, Aaron pushed at the maroon material of Robert’s suit jacket, urging the blond to take it off. Robert broke their kiss for second to discard it. hanging it over the back of a kitchen chair before he turned his attention back to Aaron, quickly reattaching their lips.
Aaron let the snog go on for a few more minutes before he broke their kiss, stepping back slightly. Robert looked breathless, an excited look on his face as he watched Aaron, tried to gauge his reaction.
Aaron simply grinned, grabbing Robert’s hand, and leading him down the pokey hallway to his bedroom. His flat was tiny, Aaron knew that much, but it was cheap enough that he could live alone, so he didn’t quite mind the fact you could practically touch either wall as you stood in the middle of his bedroom.
At least he didn’t have to deal with roommates, or paper thin walls when he had someone over. Aaron liked his own space, liked the peace and quiet, liked knowing he could do this, bring someone home and not have to deal with someone sticking their beak in.
Hands on Robert’s waist, Aaron pressed a kiss to his lips before he turned his attention to Robert’s neck, grazing his teeth against the pale skin as he worked to undo the buttons of Robert’s crisp white shirt.
Robert was rooted to the spot for a few seconds before he tugged at Aaron’s t-shirt, urging him to take it off. They were half naked in a matter of seconds, Aaron guiding Robert back onto his creaky bed, the wooden slats groaning under the extra weight.
“Should probably invest in a better one,” Aaron grinned, enjoying the way Robert couldn’t help but laugh as Aaron straddled his hips, sinking his teeth into Robert’s collarbone, the blond scrambling to grab at Aaron’s waist.
Grinding down on Robert’s hips, Aaron was lost in the sensation until suddenly, Robert was pushing him away, his breathing unsteady, panic evident in his eyes.
“Stop, stop,” Robert was flustered, scrambling out from underneath Aaron, his chest heaving. “Stop, I need to stop.”
Aaron just about managed to steady himself, avoiding falling off the bed and onto the pile of clothes that he knew were all across his floor, Robert sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands as he cried.
“Robert?” Aaron called out tentatively, confused at the sudden change. He’d seemed like he had been enjoying himself, until suddenly he wasn’t. “Are you okay?”
“Hey, don’t be sorry,” Aaron hated the sadness he could hear in this almost strangers voice, the way he was shaking like a leaf as he sat at the edge of the bed. “Did I do something?” he asked quietly, knowing how it felt to have something trigger the darkest parts of your mind, the memories you’d rather forget.
God, did he know how that felt.
Robert shook his head. “No, you were great, I want this, I do… I just……” he trailed off, looking awkward, and embarrassed, and suddenly, Aaron could put two and two together, his nervousness and unsure demeanour making sense.
“Is this your first time?” Aaron asked quietly, sitting down at the edge of his bed, a few inches from Robert.
Robert let out a bitter laugh. “Depends on how you look at it, really.”
Aaron raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?” he asked, genuinely curious. He knew how it felt to struggle with your sexuality, maybe he could help this guy, the gorgeous blond he’d picked up in a bar.
“I’ve had a lot of sex, with women,” Robert said, rubbing his hands on his trousers, looking as though he wanted to be anywhere but there. “But I’ve never been with a guy before.”
“Everyone’s got to have a first,” Aaron nudged, thinking of those painfully awkward first few times with Jackson. He genuinely hadn’t understood the appeal of sex, those first few times, not really.
“Yeah, but you hadn’t even gotten my trousers off before I freaked out,” Robert ran a frustrated hand through his hair, standing up. “This isn’t your problem, I’ll go.”
Aaron didn’t really want him to go. “If you want to stay, we could talk,” he offered, wincing at how it sounded as the words left this mouth.
Robert looked confused. “Why would you want to do that?” he asked, fumbling with his shirt in his hands.
“Because I know how it feels to have your head mashed about your sexuality,” Aaron admitted, picking up his own t-shirt. “I can offer ya a cup of tea, and some chocolate digestives - and a listening ear.”
Robert looked relived, as if no one had ever offered to just listen to him when it comes to this, as if he’d never had the chance to talk about it with someone who might understand. “I - I’d like that, actually.”
Aaron’s heart could break as he watched Robert fumble with his shirt, doing it up halfway, as though he was trying to make himself feel more comfortable. Had he never talked to someone about this before?
Giving the other mans elbow a squeeze, Aaron headed back out toward the kitchen, flicking the kettle on, busying himself making them tea as Robert sat down at the very messy table.
“I can’t believe I freaked out like that,” Robert mumbled quietly. “I’m twenty eight, for crying out loud. What twenty eight year old freaks out like that?”
“Sex is scary when its new,” Aaron offered. “Surely you remember your first time?”
Robert snorted, a funny expression appearing on his face. “I think I was just happy about it because I managed to get with someone about ten years older than me,” he admitted, clearing reminiscing.
Aaron laughed, dumping a spoon of sugar into both mugs. He didn’t bother asking how Robert took his tea, figuring some sugar and some chocolate biscuits would be good enough either way.
“I was fifteen!” Robert said, almost defensively, giving Aaron a grateful smile as he accepted the mug of tea.
“I was sixteen,” Aaron said. “Well, thats when I slept with a girl from school. It didn’t do much for me, considering I’m gay n’all.”
“What was it like, sleeping with a man for the first time?” Robert asked, genuinely curious. He looked as though he’d never had many conversations like this, never had the chance to ask these questions.
“Terrifying,” Aaron admitted, laughing at Robert’s grimace. “I didn’t want to be gay,” he continued. “I think thats why it was so scary, for me. I didn’t want to be gay, to be attracted to men, you know? But it was good, in the end.”
“Good because sex is great?” Robert asked, an almost hopeful edge to his voice.
“Good because the guy I was with cared,” Aaron corrected. “Sex is weird, innit? Matters who its with, when its the first go around.”
“I thought if I just got it over with, I’d feel okay about it,” Robert admitted. “I never - I never thought I’d actually act on it, being attracted to me. I was married, up until recently,” he said, finger brushing over the place where a wedding ring should be.
“Yeah?” Aaron didn’t want to say much, didn’t want to put Robert off.
Robert nodded. “It didn’t end because I’m…. into men, or whatever,” he said, breath quickening as he spoke, as he admitted he was attracted to men. “We just weren’t suited to each other, in the end.”
Aaron took a sip of his tea, reaching for a chocolate biscuit. “Marriage sounds terrifying to me,” he offered, grinning slightly.
“It is,” Robert nodded, dipping a biscuit of his own into his cup of tea. “It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, until tonight.”
Aaron nodded, leaning back in his rickety chair. God knows he needed new furniture, the flat falling to pieces around him as he listened to Robert speak. “When did you know you were attracted to men?” he inquired.
“I was fifteen,” Robert said, in a sad, quiet sort of way that implied there was so much more to the story. “You?”
“I think I was probably around the same, maybe a bit older,” Aaron said, thinking back. “I thought I was in love with my best mate, tried to kiss him and everything.”
“Tougher when he started telling anyone who would listen I’d tried it on with him,” Aaron said, digging his fingers into the palm of his hand. “I got past it though, all in the past now and everything.”
Robert nodded, quiet for a few seconds before he replied. “I tried to kiss a farmhand of ours, when I was fifteen,” he admitted, the words slow, and unsteady as they passed his lips. “My dad lost it, when he found out. Absolutely leathered me, so I buried it.”
Aaron winced. He’d heard those sorts of stories, from friends, but they were never any easier to hear, to know that there was parents out there who would batter their kids just because they might be gay.
“Maybe thats why I panicked, tonight,” Robert continued. “He’s dead, my dad. I thought I’d be able to do it, be with a man, now he’s not around to judge me. Does that sound mad?”
“I don’t want to bury this part of myself, not anymore,” Robert said, his eyes watering as he spoke. “I don’t want to bury it because of what my dead father might think of me.”
“You shouldn’t have to bury a part of you,” Aaron said wisely, thinking of all the sound advice Paddy had once given him, all the things his father had said when Aaron had tried so hard not to be gay. “You deserve to be happy.”
“You don’t know me,” Robert mumbled. “You don’t know all the terrible things I’ve done, in my life. Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy at all,” he looked down at his half drunk cup of tea, pitiful now.
“Everyone has a past,” Aaron nudged Robert’s leg with his foot. “Doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know ya, I wouldn’t have started talking to ya at the bar unless I wanted to get to know you.”
Aaron wasn’t necessarily bad, at one night stands - sometimes you had an itch that needed scratching, that was fair enough - but he was at a point in his life where he felt sort of ready for more.
Ready to feel like Ed had made him feel once, ready to feel like that again.
Maybe it was silly, but he felt like he already had a sort of connection to Robert, even more so now they were talking about this, talking about some of the hardest things each of them had been through.
Robert looked up at him, swallowing nervously. “Can I try something?” he asked, leaning forward.
Aaron nodded, not quite expecting Robert to lean in, and kiss him again, the embrace soft, and sweet, and so unlike the dirty, desperate kisses they’d shared, leaning up against the kitchen counter.
“We don’t have to do anything,” Aaron murmured, their faces inches apart as Robert pulled away, his eyes still closed.
“I know.” Robert nodded, kissing him again, long, and slow. “I just wanted to try.”
“Felt nice,” Robert admitted, a hand on Aaron’s knee now, the blond kissing him again, the embrace still gentle. “Thank you.”
“Listening,” Robert said, looking at little embarrassed. “No one ever has, before.”
“I’m a good listener,” Aaron grinned, knowing it wasn’t the slightest bit true. He was a do before you think sort of person, terrible at listening to any and all advice he’d ever been given.
Robert was quiet for a second. “I’m bisexual,” he blurted, looking terrified as the words left his mouth, the terror slowly being replaced with a sort of pride, an ease that hadn’t been on his face before. “I’ve always known, but I’ve never said it aloud, not before tonight.”
Aaron felt a rush of affection for the stranger. “How did it feel?” he nudged, knowing how good a label could feel, when you finally admitted it was how you saw yourself. Gay had gone from being a word he hated, to being a part of himself he was inexplicably proud of, a part of his identity.
“It felt good, actually,” Robert admitted, a wide smile on his face. “Feels like I could be comfortable with it.”
Aaron couldn’t help himself, brushing a thumb across Robert’s cheekbone as he leaned in to kiss him again, figuring it was okay for him to do it, now Robert was more comfortable, less nervous. “Do you want to stay?” he asked, mentally berating himself for asking. “I don’t mean - we don’t have to do anything,” he corrected himself quickly.
“I could go for another cuppa,” Robert said, a soft smile on his face.
“Okay.” Aaron nodded, his rapid heartbeat slowing slightly as Robert confirmed he hadn’t crossed a line in whatever tentative little bubble they’d set up for themselves in Aaron’s pokey little flat.
That Robert wasn’t going to go running.
Relieved, he stood up, flicking the kettle on again.
“Yeah?” Aaron turned around, feeling like a teenager with a crush as he looked at Robert, all messy hair and shirt half unbuttoned, a vulnerability to the other man now so obvious, his excitement and nerves all bunched together, making him look as though Robert really was a teenager, something strangely innocent about his expression.
Robert smiled at him, his eyes bright. “Matters who its with, first time around,” he quipped, parroting Aaron’s earlier words back at him. “I’d like it to be with you.”
