#anupi

I gave up my heart.

Not in the mushy "MY HEART IS YOURS, MY LOVE" way.

In the "I am going through a severe amount of trauma and this seems like an appropriate answer to survive this," way.

I won't go terribly far into details as to why I did this (probably, possibly) incredibly stupid (maybe?) thing. Suffice it to say that I hurt badly enough to offer myself to Ammit. Yeah.

Again I was sitting before my shrine praying bitterly, and crying, also rather bitterly. Incense and candles lit, wearing the vanilla perfume requested of me, purified enough to sit before shrine. It was early morning sometime after my birthday and another suicide attempt. I couldn't sleep anymore, I couldn't eat, so I sat and cried until I'd be too tired to do so anymore so I could pass out once more. I'd been pondering beforehand if I would possibly prefer non-existence to the state I was in, and as I crawled back into bed I decided that indeed I did prefer that. I apologized to pretty much everything ever, cried some more and begged, then demanded the removal of my heart and offered it unto Ammit through Anupi.

Again the relaxing chill washed over me as it had done once before, "This is the calm you could look forward to, I give it to you now to remind you that there is relief. Not now, but soon enough.This is as close as you should get to that peace."

I called it the chill of death before. A cool light feeling sunk into me, numbing my limbs and releasing my muscles. Tears would stop, there were no coherent lines of thought, just slow fuzzy realizations. I don't believe I can move my arms. Am I breathing? I feel transparent. Airy. I have no control of me now.It had been during another severe bout of depression, a stepping stone to the state I was in now. I had been that strange chill away from trying to kill myself again that night.

I felt my eyes shut abruptly, blocking my view of the ceiling and brightening light of morning.

When they opened again I was kneeling in a chamber I first thought of as a tomb. Bigass sandstone blocks, everything was plain and had a rough feeling to it. I heard various voices talking in words I could not understand. When I looked up I saw a number of animal-headed spirits before me all sitting in neat perfect rows. Admittedly my first thoughts were mostly a random grouping of cusswords ending with," Oh my fuck I can't name but some of You." I stayed stock still in silence, terrified to open my mouth, or even look directly at Them. I became aware that it sounded like They were arguing with someone pacing around me. When I ventured a glance it was Anupi, in His jackal-headed human form (The Oh-Shit-I-Better-Be-Listening form). He looked extremely agitated and couldn't hold still, my heart jumped knowing He was with me. I was a little afraid to see Him in this form and also more upset than I'd ever seen Him but it paled in comparison to the new surroundings and the group before me.

I could not understand any of the exchange. I only know that Anupi was fighting for something for me, be it to keep my heart or to argue other fine details I don't know. He touched my shoulder and with that I spoke in my very feeble voice and ventured to look up mostly directly at the Beautiful Ones sitting before me. He said something else, and the Hawk headed one responded to one or both of us.Then Anupi turned me to face Him fully and the aggression receded to sadness, and then to an unreadable blank expression. I do that too when I work with the dead. Everything recedes back and I concentrate on what needs to be done.

I so resemble You in some ways, Beloved.

Then I was jerked back into my room and the heaviness that is this world dropped on me and I immediately started trying to figure out what had happened and what They were saying and why I was even there. The aches of the previous months were washed away by the sheer force of my confusion and curiosity.

Then another weight on my sternum. I knew what was coming and terror slid comfortably down my spine and out, I swallowed it down and concentrated on the feeling.

Then the incredible pain started. I made no sound, I just concetrated on the center of the weight on my chest as I felt every sharp cut into my chest, starting from the left side, the pulling and breaking out of bones that weren't doing so. It was quick and sharp, these weren't exercised thought out cuts, it was like being torn apart by a wild animal. I could feel heat pooling and falling out over the edges of the would but I couldn't bring myself to look down and watch.

A pause then happened, it throbbed, felt wet and I felt like I may have to throw up and I thought, "This is it, I'm going to die, or something. Something is going to happen, and I don't know, and there's no going back and I chose this. I won't beg and I won't ask for it to stop because I'm very stupid and very stubborn and I will not go back on what I asked for because it's scary and hurts."

The weight then retracted and I limply reached up to my chest fully expecting a giant bloody would where my left tit used to be. But it felt whole, but really very not whole and quite wrong.

I quietly said thank you thought I wasn't feeling terribly thankful at the time to be honest. I felt numb and empty and like there was a breeze where there really shouldn't have been a breeze.

The weight returned and I moved my arm obediently. Inset inside me was a cold hard feeling that felt like it was sort of stuck onto something in there, and it was much too small and much too hard and I thought immediately of an Ib (Djib? I know I've seen it spelled differently before), I had made myself a few weeks prior as a kind of anti-execretion. I created a hollow heart jar and filled it with bits of clay with things written on them I wanted to be better or more impact on my life, things that made me happy and so forth, labeled it and stowed it away on the shrine.

The entire episode rendered me weak and empty feeling. I spent weeks with this sodding big hole in my chest that I could physically feel, air in it and the shreds of the flesh (?) that remained move as I did and it was so terribly uncomfortably wet all the damn time. I could feel something flow from higher up (usually my head) down to the place where my heart had been only to spill and fall messily upon the bottom bits of the wound. I obsessively cleaned the area and would hold or keep my arm over that area as best I could as much as I could. I was afraid that it would break if too much happened to me emotionally. I was afraid that I would feel this piece of clay break inside my chest and wtf would happen then?

FAST FORWARD

Again I lay in bed (I'm a lazy shit, what can I say?), I hadn't cried in weeks, I was relearning how to feel somewhat properly (aside from what remained in the Ib I'd created, all that worked pretty much from the get-go). I'd spent some time during those weeks reassessing my personal relationships and re-attaching to people I rather saw fit and attempting to keep others at bay so as to not re-attach. I spent time communicating with Anupi through pendulum. I learned things. Some things sucked to know, some were kind of neat. Among these things I learned that my heart had not been given to Ammit as requested, but instead He kept it. I discarded it and so He took it as His. He refused me. He argued for what I wanted but it was still under His terms. He didn't like doing it. He disapproved heavily and it hurt Him that I hurt so badly that I'd make such a decision.

The weight had fallen upon me again. I was alarmed, "Really? What now?"

It was gentler this time though, then the very violating feeling of hands reaching inside me. Slowly, meticulously pulling pieces together from nothing and rebuilding the wound. Healing me, though I was definitely not the same as I had been. The Ib remained, I remained hollow in aspects emotionally, but the hole was closing. I had the right shape for the area, but it was scarred, it feels like a scar. A right big hideous disfiguring scar. I was thrilled though. No more hole, less wet? GREAT. This time I was actually thankful and excited. I had no way to express to anyone why I was happy though. It kind of sucked on that level but I was elated nonetheless.

For the most part now I function properly emotionally. I still know things ain't the way they used to be, but I'm still pretty chill with it.

I continue to learn and to function. And sometimes, on rare occasions Anupi hints that maybe, perhaps I could have my heart back. But that would mean stopping being stubborn and stupid and I'm not quite at that level yet.

I offered it to the Devourer but You saved me and claimed me even more as Your own.

You refused me in my most desperate and You took a part of me I didn't know I could give.

You have healed the wound that You created.

I will never forget the emptiness You left in me. The draining gaping wound that remained for ages.

I will never forget the eons it felt it took to heal. Your hands gently replacing every strand, re-building the damage into a beautiful scar, a mark that I survived. That I am Yours, and that, though I may limp, that I may crawl, I do so in Your shadow, in Your sight, and in Your guidance.

You watch over me through the damages I ask upon myself and You sigh and You weep. You guide me as best as You are able against my bull-headed stubbornness.