#antirant

It would be wrong for me to say that nothing has made me angry recently, undeniably, unfathomably, un-mitigatedly wrong.  However the things that have made me angry are either things that are just no fun to write about (Audi drivers for example) or things I have already written about (because the population of England sadly, hasn’t read my blog). So I thought I’d post this mix of thoughts, some are mini-rants, some are anti-rants and one is a review of a TV show I’ve been watching. So enjoy

Public gurning (mini-rant)

They say that smiling is contagious. Smile at someone, and they will inevitably smile back, cheering the person up, spreading the goodness that is happiness throughout the world. Whoever said this clearly didn’t live in England because if you smile at anyone they will inevitably glare at you making you feel like you’ve committed some sort of crime, or that you are in some way offending them.

Smiling can spread though, I have had the odd occasion where someone has smiled at me, and it’s been nice and yes I have felt better, however the same can be said of gurning or pulling a horrified face for no reason. I’ve seen more than my fair share this week and I’m sick of it, you walk into a room with a blank expression and someone turns to face you, their mouth gaping open, their eyes wide, their brow furrowed. They make me feel like I’ve committed an offence just by being in the room. How difficult is it to walk around with your mouth shut, and I don’t mean not saying anything I mean, walking around with your mouth not gaping open as if closing it requires use of the two brain cells currently involved in walking and breathing.

Numb3rs (review-ish)

So I’ve started watching a show on netflix called Numb3rs, it’s a pretty easy to watch series. I like it because it’s not exactly taxing, and even when it tries to be heavy it just isn’t so it’s good background TV.  The premise is simple; FBI agent has mathematician genius brother who uses maths to solve FBI cases. Given that I know nothing about maths it’s all completely lost on me so I just let it wash over me and go along with whatever they’re saying (though it does subtly suggest that maths is basically voodoo and can predict anything).

So I’ve noticed a slight pattern here, we’ve got Lie to Me a show about a genius, micro-features expert who solves crimes by telling if someone is lying. We’ve got The Mentalist where a Derren Brown type character uses his “mind reading” abilities and diversion to help a homicide investigation team. And now Numb3rs, where a genius mathematician helps the FBI solve crimes using maths. So I’ve decided to help the American crime-drama scene out by coming up with a few original ideas of my own.

D.C. Rock-a-fella A geology genius professor consults for the CIA, using his specific knowledge of soil types and rocks he can determine where a criminal has been, based on soil found at the scene of the crime. In one thrilling episode he analyses the rock that a ransom note was tied to and thrown through someone’s window. After extensive analysis he determined that it could only come from one of several thousand miles of coastline.

Chiro-police

A retired chiropodist discovers his talents can be used for good. He becomes a consultant for MI6, using his talents at massaging feet to determine whether a criminal is guilty or not. One particularly tense episode is where he is called into a case involving a psychotic rapist who has a foot fetish.

And finally

Surreal-killer

A surrealist artist uses his unique style of painting to reproduce witness identification testimonies so that no one has a clue who the killer is thus giving them a fair, unbiased basis for a trial, if they are ever caught.

Relief, not just a trip to the toilet (anti-rant)

The other day, while I was lying in bed, I was experiencing a sensation I’ve had before. You know, where you’re slightly happier than usual but for no real reason. Nothing in your life is better, you haven’t gained anything, and you also feel slightly anxious. That’s right; I had just previously lost something and then found it.

The sensation of relief, I feel, is underrated. We plough through life with our things, our stuff, the people we love, the things we enjoy without any regard for these things. Then one day, you’ve lost your phone, or your wallet. You can’t find it in the usual places, slowly panic starts to set in as you start looking in stranger, more illogical places like the microwave or the toaster. Then, you find it, down the back of a sofa or behind the fridge and all of a sudden you are relieved. You have been made to feel happy about something that, an hour ago you already had.