#antabuse

when I find myself refilling my pill container and being tempted to not put it in there with the rest of my meds I know that that's exactly why I need to be taking it

I was on it for about a year and a half when I originally got sober (sober for a total of three years though) and it was incredibly helpful. It felt like overkill at the time bc I didn't consider myself an alcoholic - I was more like a very situational binge drinker - which is sort of the situation I'm in again. I think alcohol is a huge way for me to avoid my anxiety and trauma (joke's on me, just makes things worse) rather than a pure addiction to alcohol in my opinion. Regardless of the reason, Antabuse was incredibly helpful to ensure I didn't even have a single sip of a drink after leaving residential. I'm sure you know you get super sick if you drink on it and it stays in your system for a couple weeks once you've been consistently on it, so it's not like you can just skip one dose and drink that night. It helped me through a lot of situations where I def wanted to drink, like my brother's wedding. I was even able to go off it but stay sober bc it got me started on a good course of sobriety. It just takes away the impulsive ability to grab a drink even if you spend all day telling yourself not to. I would say you have to be committed to not drinking bc at the end of the day, you're the one who's taking the pill (unless you have a plan to take it in front of someone or something) but I found it super helpful!

So, for a long time now, I've been very interested in trying a drug called Disulfiram, more commonly known by its trade name "Antabuse" (I always remember it because it sounds like "anti-booze"). It's purely a deterrent drug, which is not a common concept in medical science. Basically, it makes your body react very badly to alcohol.

So how it works, is you take a pill every day, and if you're lucky, it has no effect on you at all (there are some side effects, but ideally it should do nothing). BUT when it is in your system, alcohol becomes a vicious poison. If you drink half a glass of wine, then 10 minutes later you essentially get a REALLY bad hangover - migraine-type headache, itchiness/rash, hot flushes, nausea, and some other effects (Your Mileage May Vary as far as I've read, people react differently). It CAN kill you, if you drink a large amount of alcohol quickly or have a bad reaction, but it's usually not that dangerous, just really horrible.

So in a way it's a placebo-like drug, in that you're not taking it for the effect it has, but for the potential effects it will have. The idea is that the fear of the effects will keep an addict away from the bottle.

I started taking it about 6 weeks ago, and personally, I swear by it in the short term. The best way I can explain the effect it's had on me personally is to describe the process by which I used to get drunk. This might sound odd, so bear with me, but I hope it will make sense.

So Stage 1 is normal, sober life. Simple.

Stage 2 is when the ide of drinking appears in my mind

Stage 3 is where I consider whether or not to drink

Stage 4 is when I buy the bottle (hopefully I don't reach this stage!)

The reason I separate the stages like this is to explain what a deterrent drug like antabuse does, at least to me. So, if you consider those stages, WILLPOWER kicks in at stage 3. I consider whether or not to get drunk - obviously objectively I shouldn't, but I want to. Sometimes the willpower wins out and I resist the urge. Sometimes (most times) it doesn't, an I end up with the bottle.

I thought that antabuse would help at this stage. It would be extra ammunition on the "don't drink" side of the debate, and combined with my willpower, it will help me resist. But I was surprised to find this wasn't the case. Stage 2 might happen at 8 in the morning, or if I'm busy or distracted it might not occur until later, but it almost always happens, and then leads naturally in to stage 3. Antabuse kicks in BEFORE stage 3. As soon as the possibility of drinking enters my mind, I just think "well, I can't. Simple as that."

We've all had the idea of buying a supercar in our daydreams. But as soon as the possibility of buying a supercar occurs in your mind, you immediately accept that you can't afford it. So you never reach Stage 3, where you consider whether or not to do it, because it's just not possible. Antabuse does the same thing to alcohol.

On the surface, this is a good thing - no more willpower needed, hooray! However, it's also dangerous. I will almost certainly at some point come off the antabuse, as it's not a great drug to take super long term, and it's inconvenient (I can't buy a Tiramisu from the supermarket in case the 0.02% alcohol causes a reaction, and forget about fine dining). So what happens when I come off the antabuse? My willpower has had no exercise. I haven't considered whether to drink for weeks or months. And when I come off the magic pill, suddenly Stage 3 is back on the menu - will I simply be as weak as I was before? Or even weaker?

My intention with the drug was to "get some dry time under my belt" before properly tackling the problem. It's very difficult to engage with any of the support available when you're hungover as hell, or fighting week-old withdrawal symptoms and feeling like shit, knowing that you could SO EASILY cure your bad feeling with a quick walk to the shop. You have to appreciate, dear reader, that when an addict quits, it's in the hope of making life better, but they are then forced to accept that life is actually going to get a lot worse first, and that is really difficult. Antabuse is my short term crutch - right now I'm 7 weeks dry. I'm through the painful bit, through the shakes and the sweats and all that, and it's been easy, because willpower hasn't been involved.