ā donāt know if anyone hereās worth a mule, ā he flat-out lied.Ā ā i mean, i reckon thereās... ā his mind first went to cyrelle and the words he was always too frightened to say. a man who wasnāt afraid of much desperately feared... exactly that. did she know he thought she was attractive ? he was almost certain she did. but anything beyond that ? god knows.Ā ā ...gotta be someone i aināt thinkinā of. ā perhaps that could get him off the hook of his list ( this time, going off mere aesthetic purposes ) : andi, fawna, jesse, mx, nat, rachel, reggie, zeki... and then some ( dean, for example ).
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ā iām rather torn, actually. i could dig a mote, but iād need a crocodile. i could begin darkwoodās very own pet cemetery, ā spelled, of course, asĀ āsematary.āĀ ā however, that would require finding a native burial ground -- i havenāt a clue where those are. i could bury a time capsule, but thatās pretty dull... ā he would bury the shovel if he wouldnāt need another shovel to cover it up.Ā ā i believe iāll dig a hole and bury the abomination that isĀ britney jean. ā
not really? iām not against it, but it would be something iād really want to plot out. i think i like the idea of them as star-crossed lovers doomed to destroy each other or i like the idea of simple crush. but everything is very verse dependent and i always default to them being friends.Ā
my main ship is gwen and mj! (or gwen and michelle)! iām a sucker for the trope of girls liking the same guy and instead of competing they support each other, and then fall in love! plus, two smart, pretty, and tough gals as gfs? sign me the heck up!Ā
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āĀ what should i feel remorse for ? ā he knew, of course. each vivid nightmare, each lucid dream ā any wink of sleep heād managed to catch since the release had centered itself around one thing: his profiting off the deaths and trauma of his peers. penny and fawna and george and luca and jesse all appeared to him in the form of a snake, slithering up him, reeling him, casting a shadow upon him, and squeezing him until he could no longer breathe from the guilt that gnawed at him. but would he ever offer a conscious admission ? ā i didnāt start the fires, i didnāt kill anyone. no one was traumatized because of me. ā angry ? sure. sad ? yes, he was a hot ticket. but traumatized ?Ā ā i simply made an artistic decision that coincided well with the business side of things. if someone else had done it, i wouldnāt expect them to feel remorse. ā i mean... he donated a whole 5% of the proceeds...
actually ā ( ignore the other one, i'm indecisive )
ā: for what my muse has written about yours in their diary.
disclaimer: this is all hypothetical, of course ! also, all spelling errors he inevitably wouldāve made have been corrected with the exception of jake gyllenhaalās name.
november 17th, 2010:
today that nice guy mx took me to meet a couple people heās friends with. they were all pretty cool i guess, but it was kinda weird because apparently a lot of them knew iĀ āreplacedā this guy named eddie. maybe iāll try to meet him. anyway, one of them was named syrelle (i think) and i think she was my favorite. she was really nice and honestly very pretty too!
november 18th, 2010:
update: itās spelled cyrelle. with a c.
november 22nd, 2010:
cyrelle learned i was born (and partially bred, you know my story! youāre me!) in west virginia and had me watch this movie calledĀ āoctober sky.ā she was talking the whole time so i donāt really know what it was about, but thatās okay. i think i liked that better than just the general concept of watching a movie in the first place. sheās really smart. like... really smart. i also didnāt really know what she was talking about because sheās so smart, but i still liked it a whole lot. she gave me a copy of the dvd. i looked it up to see if it seemed like i should watch it without cyrelle. apparently itās a combo of our worlds, if you will: west virginia and space. and jake gylenhalĀ jake gyllinhallĀ jake gillenhallĀ jake gyllenhall (sp?).
january 4th, 2011:
so apparently cyrelleās momās some kind of famous actress? i donāt know. there seems to be a lot of weird judgment going on about her family which... i donāt get? everyone has weird family things going on. unless sheās part of the manson family (and i donāt think they were actually related or really a family... right? also wasnāt that in the 60s? rip sharon tate), WHO CARES ABOUT LOCAL DRAMA?!?!?!
july 18th, 2013:
so āthe conjuringā is coming out tomorrow. i think i might try to actually ask cyrelle to hang out - like, go to the movies with me, that kind of hang out. the one you see in movies.Ā
july 21st, 2013:
ignore july 18th, re cyrelle. i didnāt send the text and i donāt think i will. iām gonna be that guy who says heās in theĀ āfriendzone,ā ew. i hope someone punches me if i ever say that or call myself aĀ ānice guyā. or wear a fedora. so anyway, [ stuff about other people ].
september 20th, 2014:
i was so worried cyrelle and [insert various other names] were in there. i hate that i was thinking about all of them and i still couldnāt just... go in. i was so close. and now ninaās dead because iām a damn coward. and george is dead because i didnāt do a damn thing even though i was so fucking close to it. all it took were five goddamn steps. and i just kept thinking... you selfish idiot. if you go in, youāre a selfish idiot because you just wanna be a big damn hero. if you stay here, youāre a selfish idiot because youāll let your friends burn to a crisp. iām really glad cyrelle and [the other names] werenāt there. rachel was though, and now she might be blind. weāre not close enough for me to know all the details yet, but i know itās not... good. and jesseās face is all disfigured which is unfair because he actually saved people.
at least i finally have proof that karma doesnāt exist.Ā
november 28th, 2014:
i wonder how everyone else is doing... i wonder if they even wanna talk about it. i wonder if cyrelle is okay.
july 16th, 2018:
jesse keeps calling me. i donāt know why he hasnāt stopped yet. i know why. so i donāt know why he keeps calling - how he hasnāt gotten the message yet. but iād be lying if i said i didnāt wonder every now and again how cyrelleās doing. itās been hard to keep in touch with most of my old friends, weāre all unreachable for one reason or another. i think the only person still even kind of keeping us together is mx...
october 15th, 2018:
heās dead. i saw it coming and i didnāt do shit about it. a goddamn idiot. who else am i gonna lose now? and i donāt just mean to substances or a lack of communication. iāve lost a lot of people that way. but to death. to literal death, probably caused by substances. iām so fucking scared cyrelleās gonna be next, but we havenāt talked in so long i shouldnāt just go fucking meddling. thereās no point in pulling a jesse. dean didnāt fucking listen to me about mx, so who the hellās to say cyrelle would listen to me about herself? and why should she even care? what are we to each other anymore, just acquaintances? itās so fucking funny how people can leave your life as quickly as they came into it. maybe iāll be next. itād be a lot easier that way.
october 29th, 2019:
itās cyrelleās birthday today. i donāt think anyoneās having a good one anymore, at least not the people who arenāt coping well. i havenāt had any good ones that i can remember. but i still hope something good happened. maybe neil degrasse tyson finally admitted he was mutually feuding with her? i donāt know. we all have so little time.
march 23rd, 2020:
happy birthday to me. happy birthday to me. happy birthday mr. carpenter. happy birthday to me. i never liked birthdays, i didnāt want people to wish me happy them. but i never actually thought about what itād be like to not hear it once i started hearing it. cyrelle, mx, nina... itās weird. itās odd that only one of those three is still alive. physically.
february 27th, 2021:
i havenāt tried to talk to cyrelle again. she hasnāt tried to talk to me again. i donāt know why iām still writing about her. consider this my last entry. forever. itās been real, my sweetest friend.
THE REMIX:
february 28th, 2014:
so many entries are gone. so i guess iām writing about her again, but now i can write about anyone... because weāre all alive? itās kinda tragic, isnāt it? we talked. it really was like it was 2014 again, but before all the bullshit happened. i donāt know which is more tragic: having to face up to all the dead people who donāt know they died and will probably die again, or having to face up to all the lost friends and recognize that so much time has passed but so little has too. i donāt wanna miss it this time around -- this might be the only good part of being 22 again. but i also donāt want to sacrifice our second chance. but even if i do... what will it matter in the long run? itās just gonna repeat itself. why get my hopes up for anything different?
