#anon teeth

How do I tell my mother that literally anything that has to do with my father is very triggering to me? He doesn't live with us anf sometimes she sends me his texts or pictures (i have him blocked). She knows that he assaulted me and that it traumatized me (though she doesn't think he "intended" to hurt me), she knows i want absolutely nothing to do with him and even let me see a therapist for what happened, but she doesn't understand that I can't talk about or with him or even look at pictures of him without spiraling into a flashback or something worse. I just don't understand why she'd do this when i literally told her directly that I don't want to even text him because it brings back memories of what happened. To be honest I'm scared of her dismissing me or starting a fight over it but I don't know if I can cope with having to deal with it again.

- teeth

Hey teeth,

That sounds really difficult to deal with. Being reminded of your abuser can be incredibly triggering and distressing.

She knows you don't want to have contact with him, yet she chooses to share things about/from him with you. Even if he didn't intend to hurt you, he did, and your mother should acknowledge that and give space to that. It's okay to communicate this to her.

It really hurts when you go through the effort to communicate and the person dismisses you or argues with you. It's taxing to have to keep communicating and having your boundaries disrespected.

Remember that you are allowed to have boundaries and uphold them. I know it's hard to do so, but you deserve to have your boundaries respected. It's okay to have these boundaries.

I suggest talking to her again, and continuing to voice your boundaries. When she tries to show you something your father said or sent her, do not even look, and instead remind her that you have a boundary around this. If she continues to try to show you, walk away. I know it won't be easy, but sometimes people do not listen to us when we communicate, and we have to protect ourselves.

Some readings on boundaries: One, two, three.

Another thing you can do is giving her information on triggers and PTSD in general. Maybe if she understands triggers better, she will understand how impactful what she's doing is. I will share some info below that you can go through and see what might work for you.

Here is a post about how to listen to someone talk about trauma.

Here is information for the loved ones of someone with PTSD. Tip #4 would be most relevant to you.

Here is a great booklet for loved ones of someone with PTSD. It mentions.

Understanding triggers.

Here is a worksheet for managing triggers. Here is a booklet for managing triggers. These might help you in the meantime.

Take care.