#anniversary.

     Soooo...

     This Saturday is the 4th of July. It’s also the third anniversary of this blog!

Al Jazeera English posted this image with a bunch of Apple’s flag emojis because of the UN’s 74th anniversary.

M A R C H   4 T H 

i. 2009. 

He’s pretty sure it’s three in the morning. It’s not entirely clear -- Well, nothing really is right now -- and honestly, he doesn’t care much. Andy had gone on this Vegas trip with Rowan in the name of attending a medical conference with her, and the second it was over, they were on the strip. What comes next is to be expected, the two of them stumbling out of bars, clubs, casinos all night long, throwing back drinks without question. What happens in Vegas, right? He’s not sure where they are when they come across a neon-lit wedding chapel, open twenty-four hours and happy to marry whatever couple comes in. Andy’s too drunk to remember the full details of their conversation, but it went well enough for him and Rowan stumble in hand in hand, asking for the first Elvis they had available. This isn’t exactly spur of the moment — They’ve been engaged over a year by this point, just trying to wait until the time is right and they can plan the perfect ceremony. He’s sure if his Ma knew what was happening, she’d have a heart attack. They’re married in a quick ceremony, with Andy wearing an oversized suit coat and Rowan having a yellowing veil clipped to her hair. 

The next morning comes with an impressive hangover. They somehow made it back to their suite after their stop at the chapel -- Andy’s got a pounding headache and Rowan’s lipstick smeared across his cheek, half naked with his head leaning off the side of the bed. It takes a moment for him to realize he’s not at home in his bed, blinking until his eyes focus and he’s reminded of the night before. He remembers the conference, drinks at the hotel bar after, wandering the strip most of the night… Then the lights of the chapel come to mind, his eyes glancing down to his left hand, realizing their a plastic ring on his finger. For most, there’d be a wave of regret that comes with the new found discovery, panic following just as close — But for him… it makes sense. It’s unorthodox, sure, but the thought of being married to Rowan just feels right. Whether it’s a big ceremony or a shitty drive thru chapel. The panic doesn’t come, no regret or concern. Instead, he moves (slowly, mind the hangover) to lay next to her, pulling her in close to enjoy their first morning as a married couple.

ii. 2015.

They’re going to have a baby. They are going to have a baby. The words keep replaying in Andy’s head, but they still sound so strange and far away he can’t quite wrap his head around it. He and Rowan had been trying for so long, having spent so many years trying and trying and trying again -- Only to be met with disappointment and heartache each time around. Having a family was never a question. The conversation about children has always been on the table, both on the same page about wanting a big family. /We want four,/ they would tell anyone who would listen. It’s been a difficult journey, with the emotional struggle of infertility becoming the forefront of their lives with the stress of Rowan’s residency and the club coming right up behind it. There struggle has gone on for years, many doctors visits ending with Andy holding Rowan close while she cried, stroking her hair as he reminded her that things will work out. 

Years and roughly six positive pregnancy tests later -- Everything begins to come together. Their family of two is going to have a new member in less than nine months now. She’s in her second trimester when their sixth wedding anniversary comes along, the two opting for a quiet night in to celebrate. Though he’s over the moon about what’s to come in the next few months -- Andy’s trying to remain realistic. This hasn’t been an easy road, and he feels a bit like they’re walking on eggshells through this journey. He knows the feeling is mutual, that this is something of a miracle baby, and they’re both terrified they’ll fuck it up. Admittedly, he can be a bit overly cautious -- Rowan’s not made of glass, but he can’t help but act like it sometimes, quick to swoop in, even if she’s doing something as simple as swap a load of laundry. So he opts for a night in, snuggled up on the couch together, Andy dressed in old sweats and Rowan clad in one of his old Primordial MC shirts. Their night is spent with scary movies and popcorn, with his wife curled up between his legs and Andy’s hand resting softly on her bump. His fingertips make small shapes against the fabric of her shirt, silently hoping he’ll feel a kick. Rowan’s fast asleep by now, head resting against his chest as Andy struggles to keep his eyes open too. He’s sure, despite his half-awake self, that nothing can ruin this for them -- Not his father, not Tyson, nothing. 

iii. 2016.

Up until now, he’s spent most of his life surrounded by people in one way or another. Whether it’s his family, other club members, Rowan -- He’s never been by himself long. It’s not something Andy’s ever really thought over, naively assuming that he’d always have some sort of constant in his life. And admittedly, he assumed that constant would always been Rowan. After the last seven years, he had no reason to believe anything else. She is his family, his person -- Every cliche and title in the book. They’ve spent every holiday, every birthday, every day together in some way since he was a teenager. It’s not until he’s laying in his prison cell, staring at the underside of an empty top bunk that he realizes how truly and utterly alone he is right now. 

It’s terrifying, suffocating. He’s been locked up for three months now, and his roommate was released earlier this morning -- So he’s by himself for the night, until a CO shows up at breakfast with some new kid. He’s been by himself before, lived on his own briefly before Rowan moved in -- Andy doesn’t mind being by himself, he never has. He’s always been a glaring introvert, preferring the company of himself, his wife, or their dogs, ideally. He’s never felt lonely from it, never had an issue -- Until he finds himself here, orange jumpsuit and all, struggling to steady his breathing. It doesn’t hit him until the lights have gone out and he’s supposed to be asleep, but the absence of someone else in the room with him is unnerving enough to keep him awake. He’d done as well as one can in prison thus far, kept his head down and nose clean, but once he’s by himself, it hits like a freight train. Everything he’s bottled up, all the things he’s told himself not to feel . Especially tonight.  Regardless of his best efforts, the date and the silence around him make for a terrible combination. The sinking feeling only persisting as the clock moves -- March 4th.

He wonders what Rowan’s doing right now, if she’s left with the same feeling swimming through him. Andy wants to believe she’s sleeping peacefully, with a baby monitor on her night stand and Scout curled up close; He wants to believe that she’s not feeling like him, that she’s not watching the ceiling fan in their room spin and wondering if he’s awake too. Part of Andy doesn’t want to ever know -- Because he’s the one responsible for her spending her nights alone, the reason she’s celebrating their seventh wedding anniversary by herself. At least, until visiting hours began and they can be together, separated by a glass window and a shitty phone, with their nine month old daughter in her arms. He always thought they’re anniversary would be a celebration, that he’d never think of it as a time of regret or longing -- Only now, it won’t leave him. He replays the night he confronted Tyson in his head, the arrest, the trial. He tries not to think of the look on Rowan’s face, the tears silently rolling down her cheeks when he hugged her goodbye. He does’t want to spend their anniversary going over all o his past mistakes, but he doesn’t seem to have any other choice now. The rational part of him tells himself that this will be over eventually, he’s only got to make it through this two more times and then they'll be back together -- Soon, they’ll be able to celebrate like they have before, only now they’ll have Maddie along with them. A family of three, celebrating together without a concern for prison cells or memories keeping them up at night. Only them against the world. He tries to remind himself of that. Somehow he doesn’t believe that day will come. 

iv. 2018. 

Three years pass, and now he’s finally able to lay in his own bed with Rowan tucked into his side and Maddie fast asleep against his chest. He hasn’t been home that long, now pushing three months, but in a short amount of time they’ve found their happy medium. The initial return from prison hadn’t been easy -- He’s been gone for three years, Rowan’s been essentially a single mother (despite his best efforts) for that time, and now they have to relearn this life together, with a three year old in the mix with them. There’s an adjustment period for them, with ups and downs -- Maddie tells him all about the things around town and introduces him to Scout and Noodles, but he and Rowan find themselves butting heads on how to raise their daughter. They figure it out -- They’re /still/ figuring it out, with the aid of a therapist and their family. He’s just grateful he’s there at all, able to begin this part of their lives together finally. There’s a certain guilt that follows him, over the fact that he left Rowan on her own for three years, something he’d never forgive himself for. He can’t change it, but he can do better now, they truly can start their lives together, free of any threat. Tyson, his father -- Both are six feet under, far far away from wreaking any sort of havoc on their happily ever after.

There had been a pretty big storm that night, prompting their daughter to come running into their room before leaping into the bed with him and Rowan. Maddie is a Daddy’s girl, no question -- In the short time he’d been home, the two bonded easily. Whether he’s at her tea party with a tiara on his head, or she’s holding his hand and pulling him around town to show off all of her favorite spots -- They’ve become two peas in a pod. It was their anniversary, and all he wanted was to spend a night together with his girls. So they dress up, taking Maddie along with them, and go out to dinner (Nothing fancy, given that Maddie is only three -- They make do with a Chilis off the highway.). It’s a simple night, but one he’s sure he’ll always remember, the thought of Rowan tucked under his arm and Maddie in her booster seat, explaining everything she learns in daycare to them. Andy finds himself caught up in the simplicity of it -- The fact that the three of them can just be together, even in some shitty restaurant. There’s nothing keeping them apart, no CO making sure his reactions aren’t ‘startling’, nor the underlying reality of him being away. This is his life now, the one he dreamt of and built with his wife, now finally within his grasp. 

There’s a silence that settles over the three of them, once both of his girls fall asleep and Andy’s listening to the steady sound of the rain. It used to frighten him, storms and having to hear them -- Now he finds it oddly soothing, feeling himself relax. His hand cards through her wife’s hair, eyes watching the ceiling fan go in circles. Even though there’s a balance and order restored to his life, he’s wide awake. Only now, it’s not from his own self destruction -- Rowan’s pregnant. It’s a bit of a miracle, but one he’s cautiously optimistic about. They’ve always wanted a big family, and they know what to do now -- They can make this work, go about it in the best way possible, rather than strict on hope and a gut feeling. Considering their reunion, it’s not all that shocking, though. After three years apart, they spent plenty of time relearning the other, welcoming the other back home again. He’s content, rather than plagued by the worst case scenarios he makes up his own head. This is how their life should be, he tells himself. No prison cell or court room, no CO or Visitor’s Room. Just Rowan and Andy, and the family they’ve created. .

v. 2020. 

It’s odd to think they’ve been married for eleven years now. It seems like only yesterday that they were stumbling around Las Vegas before wandering into some Elvis themed chapel. But at the same time -- It all feels miles and miles away. Their wedding, Tyson, his time in prison. They’re settled into this life they’ve created, with their two children and the home they’ve built along the way. The storms they’re forced to weather are far and few between now, without someone threatening them and their home in some way. Most consistently had been his own father, creating a war zone with any room he walked into; Then Tyson putting a new kind of fear within both of them; And his Parole Officer, threatening to send him back to prison for something as simple as a parking ticket. It’s refreshing to be away from it all, able to embrace a life that’s sickeningly domestic and calm. They’re a team and a force, having gone to hell and back together. 

                   ❝ well, i cried for you so long, my river of 𝓉𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓈 ran dry. && i tried to be so STRONG, but grew weaker as time went by. you know your love left a mark on me, i don't think it will fade away. i'll sit here and wait 'til you come 𝐇𝐎𝐌𝐄 'cause i'm a fool for you, anyway. ❞ ─┈ ღ

// @thornrosed

It's a full moon hanging

in the sky tonight

an un-eclipsed slice

of returned sunlight

reflected off a rock

for our own imaginary delight

and so as the moon

turns harsh yellow to silver

so you filter

life into something