That reset. Never been into this mode yet. This all experience changed me deeply, like i want to let go my way to control freaking everything, this unhealthy way to be damn perfect all the time, and to please fucking everyone cause i’m too afraid to hurt them. I don’t want it anymore, i don’t respect myself when i’m doing that. I can’t really figure if i wanted to be perfect for me, to feel worthy, or to be liked and loved by people who just can’t and don’t want to accept me as I am. I’m alone, and i never felt that much love, this kind of peace, my self acceptance. That ‘’I don’t give a shit what you think’’ mode, freaking love it. Never felt more confident in my life. I can finally touch this feeling , and it feels great. It might go away sometimes and that’s ok. I know it will be there in my body, my heart. I wanna be there for me.
I hate doing mistakes when they are coming from my traumas and my need for validation from people who are important to me, my needs to prove that i’m smart and a conscious human being. I hate to be sometimes attract by the things who already hurt me before, more than once, I know how it works, why i am attract by this.. And my shitty instinct tells me that it could be different this time, that i can change it. It never does. And i don’t respect myself when i’m going in. Hate it. That’s probably my only true addiction, but so self destructive. I know it will probably stay with me forever, At least i’m not deny it, and hope things on that will get better with time. My goal is to really be surrounded by people who loves and respect me, and want to share with me their emotions, their lives, their traumas, their shame, their dreams, their love. And I will be comfortable to do the same. With no judgement. Sharing. _______________________________ I’m deeply sorry for breaking your heart, i didn’t mean to. You didn’t deserve that. I wish i could go back in time to erase that but I can’t. I’m wondering how you’re doing. I’m sorry that I was not ready, that i responded to your needs and desire right away while i was not listening mine. I wasn’t honest with myself. Deep lesson here.
