#anna-may

I used to feel like the world was moving so fast after I graduated highschool... So fast and dizzying while I just sat in my house, looking out but not moving.

Just sitting there wanting to move, to try to move, to try to want to move but not knowing how.

Now 5 years later I feel the same, but also the complete, opposite?? Like I'm still not moving, that hasn't changed... But the world is still moving dizzyingly fast. And although I'm still not moving, I also kinda am?

5 years later I'm not in a house anymore. I'm on a train, but it's moving so fast that it hurts my insides to say in me. I'm not moving but my surroundings are, and although I'm not moving I'm not doing nothing either I'm doing something not just sitting...?

I'm holding on with all I have. Because see I'm on a train, not on a seat, like on top of the train just holding on with all I have. I never figured out how to get moving or how to even get started. It just happened. I'm just on a train now it just happened like the house transformed around me into a train all of a sudden.

Although I'm not moving I'm trying. I'm not trying to move or trying to try to move, or trying to want to move. I'm holding on.

Because although I'm not moving if I let go, I'll fall. I never moved out of the house the house turned into a wild train and went ahead at full speed without caring that if I let go I'll die.

I wanted to learn how to move, get up and start walking sped by step instead the world got me going full speed ahead without giving me the time to put on a seatbelt. It didn't teach me where the brakes are so now although I'm no longer stuck in the house I'm not free either. Just stuck on a furious train going full speed ahead and I'm just holding on trying not to fall off and I don't know where it's going or when it'll crash...

I can't even look out the window at the dizzying world going past anymore when it's taking me all I have just to hold on.

I'll never make it outside because before at least I was in control and could step out the house. I was just afraid, I was avoiding learning how to walk because everyone else was already so far ahead of me so easily I'd look stupid if I asked for help but now?

I don't even have the energy to want to get off this crazy train. If I focus on anything else then holding on I'll slip and die. Not moving is safety now because that's how I survived this train ride so far.

It's hard because I'm not just sitting I am holding on with all my might, nails dug in palms going white, air rushing, pushing pulling prying guts following gravity but my skin keeps it all in I am so tired of holding on without reprieve but I more afraid to let go.

It was effortless to sit in the house looking out the window wishing I could be out there with the others feeling wanted and like I belonged.. now?

I just want to cry because I miss that view that dream, that hope that I could one day been a part of that painting outside of my house where everyone moves, walks runs and I'm right there with them. I just needed to figure out how to make it to the door. I'm the only one left behind there was no one to ask for help anymore. No one to give me directions to the door so I just sat by the window and one day the house left me too and became a train whooshing off presuming I had been left behind when really, I'm just holding on.

The only thing I see now is a blur of a landscape that just makes me want to vomit whenever I spare a moment but if I try to find anything in that blur I might forget myself in trying to find anything and let go.

I want to let go so, so bad. But even though it's not my doing and I'm only holding on, I'm going somewhere.

I'm still stuck but going somewhere, I can't see where I am or going but I'm going somewhere, I'm alone but I'm going somewhere, I can't breathe anymore but I'm going somewhere I'm completely still, but I am moving, in motion, working, operating, breathing.

Living

Living, by holding on... Shouldn't I be greatful that things have changed and I'm finally doing something with myself? Even if I still feel like I'm stuck, nothing has changed yet at the same time nothing is the same?

Am I ungrateful? Why can't I be happy? How can I change? Can someone hear me? How do I get off these tracks without crashing or dying?

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*Ahh don't read this if you haven't seen the second season of The Promised Neverland*

In the second season I was looking forward to seeing Carol but she was nowhere to be seen...?

To be fair I don't think I saw any 3 ish year olds either other then that single one that a mama was carrying through the door.

I though maybe they went back for the little ones and we'd see her in the scenes of the kids in Japan but I guess not?

Anna-May (Angela Bassett)

Part of a set of X-mas Manips of the Gunpowder Milkshake librarians