#anktdiary

Long time no see. So much and so little has happened at the same time, or so it seems. Some good and some … real bad.

The remainder of 2020 is kind of a blur, I can say that the COVID shut down was actually good for me, albeit short. It was good because I had time to actually heal, I was relieved from the daily grind, and I can honestly say that my anxiety and depression was more than manageable - dare I say, I actually felt good.

Then 2021 rolled around and I found myself in my head a lot and things were off between M and I. We had a couple of needed conversations and slowly things seemed to get better.

In August I found out I was pregnant again, and honestly … I didn’t know how to feel. A part of me was definitely excited but a lot of negativity crowded my mind, which I feel guilty for.

On November 18th, at 20 weeks, I went in for a routine check up and my daughter’s heartbeat was lost. I was devastated. Despite the negativity and struggling to attach. Deep down I had hope that this time would be different. The next day I gave birth to my sleeping girl, Ever.

A week later we lost Grimm. We had friend’s over that very night for “Friendsgiving.” Not to there fault, most asked about Grimm being gone before asking about Ever. That’s until my one friend, who is more sensitive, came late and was the only one to ask. We then took a moment to lay it out for everyone.

The holidays came and went, and we are already 5 days into the new year. And I am struggling. Seems as though I’m struggling more now than I was a few weeks ago. I know it’s still fresh, but … it’s hard. Especially looking towards the future. I try to tell myself not to worry about it but … how can I not?

It’s been a little over two years since I last updated.

It’s weird reading the last post. All that hopelessness, felt.

Can’t believe this tumblr still exists along with my other ones too.

After my last post, I spent 2022 healing and rehabilitating myself. I started therapy again, and have been going bi-weekly ever since. I cut down my hours at work to give myself time to just breathe. I’m thankful for being able to do that. Then, I started going to the gym regularly. I took a liking to lifting and mobility drills. It was a much needed refocus.

M and I both got along better as well. I think seeing me take a break allowed M to breathe easier too.

Towards the end of 2022, I was afraid to put any faith in this feeling I had, but I was sensing a change coming.

M and I both decided we’d try again for a baby. For me, this meant my last try. I made a promise to myself.

It happened a lot faster than I anticipated. We were expecting again by January 2023. I took it day by day. It was a physically and emotionally challenging pregnancy.

I ended up quitting my job during the 2nd trimester. Partly due to awful dizzy spells I was having (with no end in sight), and partly because I was just ready to move on from that place. Again, I am thankful to have been able to do that with M’s help and encouragement.

There were a few scares, many tears, lots of discomfort. But all in all, I handled the challenges well. Honestly, I surprised myself.

On September 24th,2023, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She is almost 5 months old now.

So much in such a short amount of time has happened. Even in just these past 5 months, our baby girl has changed so much from when I first held her in my arms.

All I can say is… I am grateful.

cat: *comes up, lays on chest, purrs asleep*

I was having a rough night at work. I just wanted to go home take a shower and then go to bed. And that’s what I intended.

I walked through the door, M was playing video games, I threw my keys up on the counter and dropped my purse onto the floor. He greeted me, and I was being grumpy. I headed into the shower, my feet were killing me. I just stood in there letting the water hit me. At the corner of my eye I saw a figure creep by the curtain. It was M and he slowly peeled the curtain back, and asked if I was okay. I didn't really feel like talking. He stepped in with me. At that moment I wanted to be left alone, but he gave me hug and asked if I was mad at him. I wasn't, I was just tired and annoyed at everything else. I reassured him, and then he started telling me about his day.

Before I knew it we were both laughing, making bubbles, kissing between the water stream, and time just seemed to stop. I combed my fingers through his wet hair, looked into his eyes, and I could feel the spark. 

05.14.15, 11:58PM

gym. shower. draw. finish internship application. submit internship application.