#angsty-ish

Which also happened to have some of the best educational opportunities in the city. 

You had been enrolled through the Martha Wayne Scholarship - a lifeline for your inquisitive mind. 

He was recently enrolled after having become adopted by Bruce Wayne, not that you had known at the time.

It was just by chance that you had met. 

You had gone to the library, spending your lunch in the peaceful alcoves surrounded by so many books. 

When you had rounded a corner to find Jason, seated against the shelves, slouched – and blocking the book you were after.

“Are you ok?” 

His eyes never lift to meet yours, “yeah, just fine.”

You pause, unsure of what to do. You really wanted that book. 

“If you’re just going to make fun of me like those other kids just get it over with” his words dripped in a defensive sharpness, eyes lifted to meet yours squarely.

His words simply made your brow furrow. You noticed the slight sheen, and red rimmed eyes. 

While he was in the Gotham uniform, properly pressed and put together. The tussle of his hair and calloused hands were unlike that of the gelled back looks and smooth hands of the other students. 

He almost fit in. 

But not quite. 

Just like you. 

With a small shake of your head, and a sigh, you walk slowly towards him and slink down to sit beside him, staring out into the distance.

“Was it Cindy? Or was it Asher?” you ask blankly

“Hm?” 

“I swear they can be so mean, meaner than a cat after you’ve refused to share your food” 

His lip quirks up a little, into an amused smile. 

“Especially if that cat is the stripy grey and brownish one that seems to always be hanging around Pablo’s Pizza Place on the corner of Greenwood and Morrison street. I can’t prove it but that cat has a personal vendetta against me” 

His eyes flash with recognition, “you don’t mean Sardine?”

“Sardine?”

“Yeah, it’s Pablo’s cat!”

“You’re telling me that my greatest arch enemy is a cat, called Sardine!?” you say aloud in exasperation, while he laughs at your realisation. 

A comfortable silence falls upon you both. 

“My first day here, all I can remember thinking was that everyone here was so strange. So proper. So copy and paste. It wasn’t like anything I’d ever known” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Oh, I’m here on a scholarship, without it I would’ve never been able to go here. I grew up in the East End. We only recently moved, so that we were a little closer to here” 

At this he had perked up, “no way, I grew up near there too… I also just moved. I’m Jason by the way,”

“Y/N, nice to meet you Jason. Do you mind scooting over a bit so I can grab the book I was after”

“Oh yeah, sure. Sorry” he shuffles over, allowing you to reach and pull the book out from the walls. It’s dusted deep lavender hard cover, felt weighted and satisfying in your hands. Even the books felt rich. 

“What’s that about?”

“Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen. I’ve always wanted to read it, it’s a classic” 

Jason’s eyes peer at it in curiosity, 

“Would you like to read it with me?” you had asked, 

“If that’s ok?” 

You smile at him in response, before opening the book and sitting closer for him to be able to see. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife…”

And so began the friendship between Jason Todd and Y/N L/N. 

Their lives began to intertwine throughout their school years, time spent reading in the library as an escape from the outside world, growing closer and closer as years went by. 

Neither felt defined by their upbringing, instead feeling completely themselves when with each other. 

Each lending a listening ear whenever the other needed.

Whether it would be Jason grumbling about his struggles with Bruce, or if Y/N had been having issues with another student in class. 

Sometimes without even having to say anything, they understood the other all too well. 

They were there for each other. 

Through thick and thin.

Spending time exploring the city, going to book stores, as he insisted on buying her new books to add to her ever growing collection, roaming the halls of Wayne Manor, helping Alfred bake cookies as a ruse to eat the dough. 

You were incrementally added into the fold of the Wayne household, a common face around those halls. 

Dick and Barbara were always welcoming, and Bruce often had a small smile when he would see you and Jason simply hanging out together. 

Your dynamic with each other added a much needed relief and joy to the stifling mansion.

Just being free. 

Early evenings spent on rooftops, watching the hazy sun set, casting a fiery glow upon the city. 

Eerie, beautiful, and so very special. 

It was there upon one of those rooftops where Jason had confided in you.

Revealing that he was Robin. 

It made you burst into laughter, at the image of your best friend, clad in brightly coloured spandex prowling the dark streets of Gotham. 

“I’m serious!”

“I know, I know – It’s just” another bout of laughter wracks your body, as Jason looks at you in exasperation, “You mean to tell me, you fight crime in those shorts!?” 

A teasing smile sneaks onto your face, as you watch his face flush in embarrassment. 

“It’s a legacy! It wasn’t my choice…the former robin set the standards…” 

“I’m just teasing, you know. It’s pretty cool what you do.” 

“You think?” he questions, a little unsure of your sincerity. 

“Yeah.” Your hand reaches out slightly, placing it beside his in assuredness. “You’re saving lives, making a difference. You’re giving hope to this city. And this city fucking needs some hope”

His hand envelopes yours, a loose squeeze in appreciation, “thank you.”

“....so does this mean Bruce is Batman?”

“You just had to ruin it?” eyes rolling at your unseriousness, “yes…”

“I knew all those billionaires had weird hobbies…Wait if Robin is a legacy? Does that mean you’ll become discowing one day??” as you fall into a fit of laughter, imagining your best friend prowling the streets in the iconic, but short lived, suit. 

His eyes widen, simply choosing to shove you slightly “Why did I think telling you was a good idea” 

“Cause you love me” you teasingly say in a sing-songy voice, not noticing Jason as he huffed a small yeah, eyes softened and full of warmth as he looked at your grinning face.

That was just how the two of you were. 

You felt at home when you were around him, never knowing why or how to verbalise it. 

Everyone in the manor could see it, even the kids at school thought you two were together, it just made sense.

Typical, that you two were the only ones who didn’t. 

Neither of you had ever said just how much you meant to each other. 

Sure, you knew you both cared deeply for the other.

But you never verbalised it clearly.

It was always in the little actions. 

The off handed remarks, or teasing I love yous, that never ventured any further than friendship.

The small moments that could go easily unnoticed. 

Glances when they thought the other wasn’t looking. 

Words of love and affections were just not something shown in the neighbourhoods they grew up in. 

Healthy loving relationships were few and far between. 

Neither of you knew how to be something you had never seen before. 

And then it was too late.

Jason had died. 

Died in pain, 

Died, thinking that he was alone, 

Died, not knowing that you loved him endlessly. 

A closed casket.

And with it sealed, so was the closing chapter of yours and Jason’s story. 

…

The world had promised that dreams can come true, they simply failed to mention that nightmares were dreams also.

I have woken at the roots of one of countless grand trees. Looking around they seem to repeat themselves without giving me any clue of direction. It is shaded but not dark. As I pointlessly try to look around myself, trying to catch any clue of where and why, my ear twitches at a faint sound of a branch breaking somewhere above me. Not a second later, the said branch hits a ground not a few trees away. The fur on my back stands up involuntarily as I frantically try to look up to see what or who has caused it. Sadly I can’t make out anything. With my tail tightly pressed down by hinds I try to approach the spot to see if the branch was there. That I didn’t just imagine it as a delayed leftover of a dream. But I hear a new break instead. This time on the grown level. 

Someway behind me. 

I instantly jump around, taking a sturdier stance. Paws and claws digging in the soft flora covered ground. Snarling, exposing my teeth to possible threats. But my boast is short-lived as I come more and more aware of other animals around me. The breathings, the shadows, the pairs of gleaming eyes that stare back at me. All threatening. All overpowering. 

I’m not alone here.

Yet I’m on my own. 

I let my stance drop to submissive one, tail back to the ground, ears folded against my head. Hoping that this would be enough. I’m about to lower my body back against the ground in total surrender when a deep growl echoes towards me. At that point I abandon any hope of a peace treaty and bolt in the opposite way from where I heard the closest sound. The second I sprint away, the others follow. 

Some footfalls land heavier than mine, shaking the ground with each stride, while others match my own light rhythm. I swear I could even hear the flap of the wings. But there is no chance to take a look behind or above. Only forward. Only to get away.

I pour everything into my sprint! With each passed tree my tempo sharpens and what was first a frantic dodging became more fluid weaving between towering trees and dense thickets. The rhythmic thud of my paws hitting the ground, breaking and throwing dirt in the air behind me gets faster and faster, but is getting outrun by my own heart beat that I feel ringing in my ears. It is warming me up. It is getting hot. I let the tongue lull out of my mouth as I keep the frantic breathing as even as I can. Where am I running to? I have no clue. But it’s clear that it is not safe to stay. So anywhere else would be better. 

I try to change direction, hoping desperately to find a place to hide when a sharp pain tears through my left hind leg. A bite. Someone bit me! Ignoring the pain I adjust my course away from the other animal. It doesn’t take long for a bird to dive from above and dig its talons into my hide, scratching me. I let out a yip, more from startle than pain. At this point I’m in too much panic to register the latter. It dawns on me that they are able to catch on to me easily. This is all just a thrill of a chase for them. A game. And I’m the prey. 

Why me?

I feel like crying, or screaming but I’m even more afraid of what they will do once I give up. So instead I just run faster. Fast enough that branches that hit me, the bleeding paw and burn in my lungs don’t affect me. 

I just want this to end!

As the tears escape my eyes, blown down my face by the wind from the run, I see a light in front of me. Something else but more trees peeking in the tree line ahead. And without anything to lose I head towards it, praying that the predators behind me won’t try to throw me off the said course.

With the goal visible, so close, the steps become agony. Trying to push myself there with all the might that I might not even have. Just away. Just to possible safety.

I finally break the tree line and the ground under my pawns turns into boulders. The light I saw was not light but thick white fog that is bright in comparison to where I came from. The new space is completely empty without any vegetation, so dash turns into hopping from one stone to another. After a few leaps I realize I don’t hear the chase anymore and finally dare to slow down, coming to a stop on a slightly higher boulder. 

I turn around and true to my instincts, other animals haven’t left the forest. The forest itself ends up abruptly where the rocks start, creating a vision of a massive wall of dark brown and green. From where I stand I’m not sure there is any entrance or exit. The fog is dense enough that even from this small distance the colors are slightly muted. With dumb braveness I reach back towards the tree line, maybe to see any of the chasers. Why would I want to see them? To rub it into their faces?

I bark towards the trees, my own echo bouncing back towards me quickly. I wait for any type of response, shaking at fear that someone would bite at the taunt and come out after all. But no. There is no response. I sit with it for a moment as a thought sinks in.

Maybe they weren’t hunting me… but chasing away?

I bark again, this time I sound more desperate. I am a fox. Forest is where I belong too? Why can’t I stay like other animals? Have I done something? All I remember is just waking up!

My third bark is more of a yap, more sad. 

Answer me!

I approach in hope of entering the forest again but after stepping on the second boulder a sharp bark stops me. It’s similar to me, a fox one.

The message is clear. They see me. I’m not welcomed. I have no way back. 

My tail, ears - whole posture drops as it sinks in. I really am now alone. I let the dread and sadness wash over me. Out of breathiness switches into sobs. The whole ordeal crashes down on me as immediate danger is over but fear of the unknown looms over me. Not having any heart to look at the betrayal of a home I drag myself towards the closest higher boulder, its peak sharper and not climbable. Walking around it I plop my body down, pulling my hind legs closer to lick the bite wound from the chase. Surprisingly, there isn’t much to nurse even though I swear I still feel the pain from the fangs. With a deep sigh I rest my head on my paw and tuck my tail as close as I can to myself. Stupidly hoping it would hide me. But all it can do is to cover my shameful tears that exhaust me enough to fall asleep again. 

___

A series of chittering scrapes. Fading familiar notes.

When I wake up again, I’m at the very same rock. Not sure how long I have been out but it takes me a few blinks to realize it is not my vision that is blurry, but the fog. The crust from dried tears is short lived as I blink it away and unenthusiastically get back up. Peeking behind the tall rock reveals still the same, unapologetic grand forest but this time I don’t dare to approach it. 

Instead I look the other way, towards what seems like never ending whiteness. All I see are the rocks. Bigger and small. Uneven and with smooth surfaces. When I look down under my paws, more closely, I see that the rock I’m sitting at isn’t your ordinary rock I would see in the forest. It isn’t sharp, neither is it smooth as one polished by water. More as if well worn out. There are lines, some straight, some curvy. At times crossing each other. 

And dots! 

I bring my face closer, snout almost touching the surface while inspecting all of the carvings. It is at that moment that I see a color difference in one of the circles. The rock itself is of a darker side, but then there is a sudden pop of a clear sandy color. How interesting. It looks so nice, even pretty. It seems that one patch has opened my eyes, because suddenly I can spot the same sandy color all over the boulder. I spin around myself trying to find if I missed any other interesting patterns just to hit the still tall standing greater rock. Coming face to face with it I stare at the same type of patterns again. But the rare splashes of colors are reversed with the neighbouring rock that I'm perched on. I do a few double takes to make sure the colors really match. And they do, which is fascinating. 

Before I get a chance to start exploring other rocks around me, my ear picks up on a barely audible sound. I swear it’s the same one I have heard before! It is quick to fade away but I do think I managed to pick up on its direction? Maybe. Because the direction I’m staring at is opposite to the forest.

I’m staring into a never ending fog, and it is unsettling. 

I take a step on the next rock in said direction but hesitate with the next one. Paw hanging in the air mid step. Why would I want to go towards it? Didn’t the chase from the forest teach me anything? I can’t be stupid enough to be lured in by yet another danger. This time however I don’t even know what could be waiting for me there. 

What if I just imagined the sound too? I bark into white emptiness and unlike last time there is no echo that bounces back. It has nothing to do so from. My voice gets eaten by a vast emptiness of an endless field of rocks. Without echo. Without an answer.

Doubt takes a proper root in me. As the coward that I clearly am, I take my step back and sit again against the tall boulder. It’s not worth the risk. Here at the border of two biomes I at least have a choice. But if I go into the unknown there is no way for me to find my way back. I will be completely lost at that point. 

As the decision was settled in, the same sound carries itself again. The same melodic notes! I could swear I hear it as if it is doubled? Sung by two instead of one. I can’t help but jump this time taking a few leaps towards it instinctively. As if pulled by it. The sound fades away once again but this time I'm sure it was there! My heart swells leaving a pain of longing in my chest that I can’t explain. I want to go towards that sound. I want to hear more of it. It isn’t hostile, nor is it a scream or a warning. It is more like…

A call. 

<Grace.>

And so I run. Before the fear or suspicion can creep back in. Before I can question myself for yet another time. Before I realize that the forest behind me has now become just white fog and the way back is gone.

Before I forget the direction of the sound... No, where the voice came from.

I run because it is beckoning me to come home.

___

I have no clue for how long or how far I have been running. Hours? Days? Maybe weeks? It doesn’t occur to me to keep count but it also doesn’t matter. I just keep going, hopping at this empty beach, how I like to call it now. Secretly I hope to find water. It would be nice. The hunger or thirst have yet to disrupt me even once. I have stopped more times than I can count whenever a particularly interesting boulder catches my eye. And boy, there are a lot of them!

There is no end to them, all having different colors, shapes and sizes. All of them are unique with their own patterns and at most of the times - pairs. That is the best explanation I can come up with when boulders have pieces intertwining colors. There is another pattern, too. The same colored rocks always come in clusters. Usually, there's one large boulder in the middle with smaller ones clustered around it. Sometimes the central one is so massive that even the smaller stones are enormous, piled high enough to form little caves beneath them.

Those are my favorites. Potential dens for me!

The so-called surrounding rocks usually have the most interesting markings on them so I easily end up with my tail up leaning down to have the closest possible look. Good thing there's nobody around to witness the spectacle I'm making of myself.

Whenever I make one of those stops I tend to lose direction. But now all I have to do is let out a loud bark into the fog and it doesn't take long for the sound to answer me back. Just like now.

<Grace.> A curt note echoes back.

I yip back gratefully knowing that there won’t be a response and back I am on my ‘mary’ way! Though I swear this one sounded louder. As if closer. I don’t dare to get my hopes up even if my heart flutters harder for a beat.

Somehow it hasn’t really occurred to me to wonder, what is at the end of that sound? I shake my head, surprisingly not causing myself to misstep in the process. Whatever it is, it knows me. And at this point it's a better option than nothing.

___

I was right about the sound getting louder because I swear that fog is getting thinner too. I have been seeing much further boulders for quite some time now. It's not much, but it's something. More importantly, I'm getting somewhere. Eventually I hope at least. And with that thought still distracting me I almost miss a really familiar sound. No, not the one calling me. But the one I for some reason can tell right away that I love. 

A quiet swish… A water lazily hitting on rocks and retreating back.

This is a beach after all!

I don't let myself divert. still heading where I’m called. But now my steps feel even lighter as I joyfully challenge myself to hop on even higher boulders, hoping to see just a little further. Gosh, I’m really impatient aren't I? If things progress in the same way as they have so far I’m sure I will eventually see water. But if I manage it just a little bit sooner… That would be awesome.

So I keep going. Every so often, the fog lets me hear another surf. And for reasons, I can't explain why, I'm certain that two of the best sounds I've heard here are coming from somewhere up ahead.

___

Once more, the passage of time fails to register with me. At some point, I realize I'm no longer heading into endless whiteness. It has become dark, and yet I see everything clearly.

I look up. 

Everything… 

I come to a stop as I understand that I’m gazed down by an endless amount of stars from above. So many, so bright against the black sky. Suddenly I’m overwhelmed, a breath caught in my throat. I feel small, like a spec of dust. Even less than that. The boulders under me stay strong, keeping me from falling even lower. While in fog I saw too little, now I feel like I see too much and can’t decide which is scarier. 

The stars, some brighter, some dimmer pulse beautifully, none hurting my eyes. Illuminating. After giving myself a moment, the panic in my body steps back. Somehow they remind me of the boulders of the beach. They are many, they are stoic, yet in a way… they support me. This odyssey of mine. As ludicrous as that doesn't sound. 

The calming echo of waves has become more defined and also ground me nicely. So with reassured bravery, I look up once again. More ready. More steady. With eyes now more adjusted to the vastness of the sky I pick up a pop of color, just like I did with boulders. 

A red line. 

It stretches across the sky directly above, continuing the way I was pretty sure heading.  And so I follow it. Because, somehow, it feels like this thing ties everything together. As I pick up the pace, on instinct I let out a bark and the answer echoes back almost instantly. A tear dreads to collect itself at the corner of my eye as I understand that I’m close. I’m almost there.

I push forward, more desperate than ever, silently begging my paws to carry me just a little faster. I bark again and the answer comes back at once. They know I'm close. Somehow, I'm sure of it. At some point my own barks start echoing. Water.

A shoreline emerges on my left side, dark as the sky above. If it weren’t for occasional lazy waves it would look as if the blackness of the sky has taken over the ground too. Edge of the cosmos. A fresh rush of excitement runs through me but I can’t let it take over me. I barely spare the view a glance. The shoreline can wait. Whoever is calling me can't.

Yet again I go, follow the red thread in the sky, it being the trusty guide. I keep my voice to myself, fearing that I might over use it with constant barking. In my mind however I keep repeating I’m close. Almost there. Like a mantra. Though there is no question in that anymore. The doubt is gone. It isn't long before the red thread starts bending downward towards the dark edge. As if reaching its end even though it is still far away and most likely forever unreachable for me. But when in my view it finally seems to dive beyond the horizon I stop. The view is breathtaking. For a second I can’t help but admire it. 

The voice reaches me, pulling me out of my thoughts. For the first time since my break down at the forest’s tree line it called for me first! Not as an answer for my plea. And gosh, it is close because… It’s not the echo that reaches me, but the direct notes. I take a few steps and almost forget to bark back. Real classy of me.

In front of me one of the boulders towers clearly taller than others, and its color is almost surreal. The rock is a mix of blue and green. Turquoise? Or cyan. Or teal. Can’t say as I have never been greatest with differentiating colors by names. Certainly around that spectrum. Whatever it is, it reminds me of ridiculously clear lake water and polished glass. But the thing is solid, and no light comes through it. As I approach it a way of nostalgia wash through me, pushing away all the unpleasant feelings that have been gnawing on me through all the time I have been here. Suddenly I’m exhausted, all the miles catching up on me.

<Grace>, comes the voice. I approach, walking around the pretty colored boulder just to find its cluster of smaller rocks creating a small cave. 

It isn’t however what called my name.

I hop on a neighboring boulder with a flat surface. Its comfortable warmth welcomes me, seeping into my tired paws as if begging me to relax. It is darker, of warm earth brown with small specks of the teal. Companion of the massive rock. Yet regardless of that, I don’t feel like being the odd one out with them. As suddenly, we are complete. I plop myself down on the rock and let out a quiet chirp. The rock doesn’t call back, but I swear I feel him… Him? Yeah him, vibrate back, as if humming or purring. The bigger pretty boulder does the same and I can’t help but cry. 

It is happy crying. Finally a place for me. My rock. My home.

All the things that I had to run, hop and dash through, suffer through, suddenly felt so worth it. Clearly I don’t need much for complete happiness. Being at the possible edge of the world, resonating with two boulders out of the billions… I am finally at peace. 

Nothing can take this away from me.

Not being able to do much with myself I roll on my back and to the other side, trying to get all over my rock, to mark it with my scent. I feel him chuckle at me and I don’t care. Let me have my moment. The warmth of him feels like a hug. And I know, if I’m to go into my den that massive boulder so generously provides, I would get another even tighter embrace. I wish I could do the same for them. 

At a loss of better options I give the rock under me an affectionate lick. An attempt at grooming him. Nuzzling myself to it in a futile attempt of being just a little clearer just how much they mean to me. The surface is clear of any dirt, mildly salty if anything. I feel rather silly when the hum comes. It almost sounds… pleased? A chuckle like yip escapes me. I guess he understood. 

A lower note purrs. The call from the bigger rocks is inviting so I don’t fight it and drag myself in the small cave. I make sure to give its wall an equally affectionate nuzzle before settling against its protective walls. Another soft vibration travels through the rock and into my chest. Slow. Steady. Content. It is perfect.

A yawn escapes me as sleep is clearly creeping on me. I let it as I have nothing to fear. I press myself into the warmth and close my eyes. I have my rock. I have my den. I have home. I can rest.

______________________________________________________

the weather was warm and comforting, an overall happy feeling being spread by the light summer breeze. the complete opposite of dazai's feelings. his insecurities were haunting him once more, filling his head with negative thoughts. the voices in his head continuously chanting doubt-inducing things. 

memories went through his head like slides in a powerpoint presentation, each more painful than the last. either it be how unbothered everyone at the agency is everytime he tries to end his life, or how every time he’s caught by kunikida, his only concern is dazai skipping work. or flashbacks of oda’s death, that make him feel more responsible for his death every time.

so dazai found himself walking towards his favourite spot in town. the bridge. so he climbed up on the edge, expecting things to go as usual.

‘hey.’ he turned to see a person standing behind him, surprise now evident on his face. ‘you shouldn’t jump you know.’ the person said as they reached for their discarded grocery bag. they reached inside the bag pulling out a monster can. ‘want one?’ without waiting for an answer, they pass him a can while cracking open the one in their hand, taking a seat on the edge of the bridge, their legs dangling above the river below.

‘you might be feeling like shit now, but i’m sure that you don't want the people that you care about to get all depresso over you dying.’ he was intrigued by this person. ‘thats where you’re wrong. nobody cares about me dying.’ they didn’t seem as surprised of his answer as they should’ve been.

‘well, that means that a) those people don't know how to show it b) you’re an oblivious bastard or c) those people are shit.’ maybe dazai could delay this evening’s suicide attempt a bit. he’d at least want to finish this conversation before he finally dies. ‘look.’ for once he was entirely paying attention to what the person he was talking to was saying. ‘you have some sort of trauma or issue.’ ‘don’t we all?’ ‘well, no. and thats kind of your issue right now.’ dazai was thoroughly confused.

‘whenever people hear about stuff about how your life is spiralling out of control, or how you seem to lose your grasp over the ability to actually feel anything, or just how in general your mental state is shit and you’ve hit rock bottom-’ they calmly sipped their monster as they continued to talk to the suicidal man. ‘-they just say, “oh! It’ll be fine trust me! listen to that voice in your head ok? it’s going to give you advice and help you think your problems through rationally.”. because that’s what it does for them.’ the distant sounds of the faraway streets of the center of yokohama slowly dulled, as time passed on. only making the two seem in a different world entirely, maybe even a different plane of existence. somewhere between life and death. a middleground where lost souls tend to wander as they try to make their way back to the side of the living while the one of the dead is slowly beckoning them. 

‘normal people are ignorant. they treat people like us-’ they gestured between themselves and dazai, making sure that his focus wouldn’t be lost. ‘like myths. as if were some magical creature people came up with thousands of years ago to explain earthquakes when science still wasn't a thing.’ the sun was starting to set, it’s colourful light casting a warm glow over the pair. ‘just because were different- ahem- mentally unstable as is the proper wording, and they don’t understand us, were viewed so ummm- how to phrase it..’ ‘incorrectly?’ he butted in trying to help the stranger properly express what they mean. ‘i guess that works. yeah.’

‘normal people just don't understand. they don't get the fact that the voices in our head insult us, turn our insecurities into literal nightmares, and twist yours and others’ words in such a horrid way. they don’t know that those voices slowly whisper things to you, trying to convince you to take your own life, so that your soul truly joins the void that’s taken over your heart.’  dazai, for once, didn’t have anything to say. it seemed to him that this stranger is his savior, the person that might be able to help him understand just what needs to be done. he was impressed by the poetic explanations the stranger had for all these feelings that can’t be talked about.

‘I don’t know what happened to you, what past experiences caused you to be broken. but i can say with certainty, that you know some other broken people. except they are broken in such a different way, that their ignorance to your problems is almost as great as the one of normal people.’ they crushed their monster can as they took a last sip. and looked dazai straight in the eyes as they said 

‘so you want to kill yourself because all the people around you try to help you, but the help they offer is the kind they need, not the kind you do.’ dazai was baffled. how could a total stranger see through him like that? it seemed that they understood dazai better than he himself did. ‘you gamble with your life, because asking for help didn’t work, so you hope that someone will notice your desperate cries for help. you just want someone to care for you in a way no one did before. you want someone to love you and help keep your demons at bay, don’t you?’

once again, they didn’t give dazai any time to answer as they continued on. ‘don’t give up yet. salvation will come one day. but you will have to fight for it and make sure you can last until the day when your future knight in shining armour will stretch out their hand to you, offering to pull you up from the inescapable quicksand that the darkness in your mind is’

they checked their watch before quickly standing up and grabbing their belongings. ‘it’s getting late now. i’ll be off now dazai.’

his thoughts were being processed way slower than they should’ve been. he’d found his saviour. the knight in shining armour that would help fight the demons that haunted his mind. and he was just letting them walk away. 

questions filled his head, who was that? how do they know my name? how did they manage to see through me like that? and  the most important of them all:

‘but-’ ‘..why did you save me?’ his question remained unanswered, forever to be carried by the wind as the mysterious stranger slowly disappeared in the background. the rising moon causing their silhouette to glow silver, reminding dazai of an ethereal deity, a knight in shining armour. 

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With the daytime comes the scrutiny, people can gaze and the trauma is harder to hide. That’s why she buries herself in her job, so the stares are averted from her, onto the monsters and the demons that walk this Earth. It’s easy to lose oneself in the false sense of security created by the sun light, that’s why she strives to push it away, waiting until night comes to truly show herself.

As she sits in her apartment, drinking alone, she has to admit that the days have been easier since joining the BAU, Penelope, Derek, Spencer, JJ, they break up the danger. Learning to trust them has been a difficult road to walk - there’s a sense of dread that swells in the bottom of Emily’s stomach at the thought.

None of them really knew her, she felt a sense of bereavement at this thought, the little girl inside of her was screaming for her to just give in, be known, be seen, be heard. It had been too long since she’d felt any sense of commitment to another human being.

The second she felt a pang of belonging Emily knew she was in trouble. If she belonged she risked being hurt, all those years of moving pillar to post had given her enough rejection to last a lifetime. The last time she belonged anywhere were the darkest moments of her life, pretending to play house with a mob boss; a killer. But that wasn’t her, that was Lauren, she once again reassured herself, that life had been a constructed reality. It wasn’t real.

So then why did it hurt so much? If it was all just make believe, why did she risk it all to protect that little boy? Surely the affection she felt for Declan was real? But if so, was there some part of her that actually felt warmth towards Ian?

The thought sharply slammed her back to reality. Sighing to herself Emily shifted, standing from the single seater she’d been lounging in to pour herself another drink - Gin and Tonic. If her mind was going to do this tonight, she needed the liquid confidence to take the edge off. Watching the clear liquid fill her glass, Emily tried her best to think of something, anything, other than Lauren.

Picking up the glass with both hands, Emily made her way back to the chair. Resuming her position, she drank deeply, wincing at the way the alcohol strummed harshly at her taste buds. She knew this wasn’t productive, she should have just gone to the bar with everyone else, but when Derek had asked if she was joining, something in her knew what tonight would bring - and it was not going to be the night she unravelled to them. Night time can only bring cover if you let it.

Alarm bells and the way she saw disappointment flicker across JJ’s face told Emily she was making the right choice. Her thoughts had wandered from her old life, she was pleased to be thinking of something else. Jennifer. Emily mouthed the word, no noise coming out, testing how it tasted on her tongue. Like honey. Sweet, but with the potential to be sickening.

Emily had been struggling with her feelings for the younger woman for a while now, she blamed herself, it was typical of her to read too much into things. The looks, the comments, the touches, Emily had documented every single one, logged them into some sort of database in her brain to be over analysed when she was alone. It wasn’t the fact that JJ was a woman that was throwing Emily off, she had found out quite quickly into adulthood that she had a preference for women, it was the tugging in her chest and the tightening at the pit of her stomach.

If Emily didn’t know better she would have thought she was in love. A preposterous idea. To be in love was not part of her plan. If she was in love, she left herself exposed to all kinds of pain, she left herself open, vulnerable to attack. All of this seemed perfectly logical to the brunette, who had almost drained the last of her drink, staring into the glass, watching the ice clink against the side.

Sighing again, Emily swallowed the last of the liquid, waiting for the coolness of the sharp alcohol to hit her stomach. As her head span slightly from intoxication, the darkness settled in, it’s where she belonged, and Jennifer Jareau was not darkness. JJ was light, bright, stunning, she was everything that Emily longed to be when she was young.

The blonde was graceful, strong but subtle, she illuminated any room she walked into, and Emily was very aware that this caused her to retreat. Jennifer Jareau could single handedly unravel all of the hard work Emily had put in to remaining unseen, in the shadows.

The cover of darkness could only do so much when the younger woman was around, the brightness she emits had the potential to eradicate even the most stubborn of shadows that Emily longed to remain hidden in.

A rap echoed from within the apartment causing Emily to jump at the sudden sound. Immediately on high alert, she stood, quickly reaching for her weapon she kept in the drawer of the living room. How sad that she felt so wary in her own home - the thought was passing - but a split second, before she made her way to the front door. Another knock, louder this time, but Emily had braced herself for it, the sound didn’t pierce the silence like it had the first time. Creeping quietly to the door, Emily looked through the peep hole.

Exhaling a breath she didn’t realise she was holding, Emily relaxed, lowered her gun and placing it on the chest next to her keys. Blonde hair and blue eyes greeted her on the other side of the door. Why JJ had decided to show up at such an hour puzzled her briefly, had something happened? She was sure she’d had her phone on loud. The third knock caught her off guard, startling her but grounding her back in the moment.

Swinging the door open, Emily couldn’t hide the obvious confusion knitted in her eyebrows. JJ saw it immediately, and chuckled slightly at the brunette before her. Engaged in an accidental stand off, the two women just stood there, blinking at each other for a good few seconds before JJ finally spoke.

“Hey, you gonna let me in or?”

Realising she was still blocking the doorway with her body, Emily’s mind raced through a hundred different scenarios in a fraction of a second, stepping back and allowing JJ in.

“Gosh, of course, sorry - I, I hadn’t been expecting anyone this late.” Emily offered, closing the door behind the blonde.

Finally settling on an emotion, Emily was not thrilled to realise it was panic. JJ’s presence was already filling her apartment with a soft but bright hue, this was not part of the plan, this was not part of the plan; she repeated the thought as if it were a mantra.

“So what can I do for you?” The brunette finally managed, stepping further into the apartment, cautious not to get too close to the blonde and her ethereal glow, who was stood in the middle of the room.

“Can’t a gal just stop by to say hi?” JJ laughed, still finding Emily’s rigidity amusing. “Actually... there was something I wanted to talk about.”

JJ had obviously also had a drink, she wasn’t drunk - Emily could see that in her piercing blue eyes - but she was loose, looser than usual. Emily checked herself quickly, noticing her hard stance, and dropped her shoulders that she hadn’t realised she was tensing. Taking in JJ’s words, Emily realised it was normal for friends to visit each other out of the blue, it saddened her briefly to think she had never had anyone to stop by unannounced before joining the BAU.

“Of course, you’re always welcome here, can I get you a drink?” Emily asked, ignoring the way JJ’s eyebrows had lifted at her casual comment. Friendship was as foreign to Emily as Russian was to the average Americans.

“If you’re offering - I’ll just have whatever you’re having,” JJ answered, attempting to hide her nerves by deflecting attention away from herself and pointing to Emily’s discarded Gin glass on the coffee table.

“Oh, I was, uh, just having a nice G&T, takes the edge off after a long day I find, makes for a good night cap really, although it’s bitter as hell, they didn’t have any pomegranate tonic at the store,” Emily cursed at herself for being so awkward, why did she say so many words? No one asked, she was better at communicating than this. Making her way to the kitchen counter to pour JJ a glass, she blamed the mild intoxication.

JJ followed Emily into the kitchen, bringing the discarded glass with her.

“You might need this if you’re going to have one too,” JJ said, placing the glass down next to Emily.

Looking up to meet JJ’s stare, Emily dropped the cap of the gin bottle onto the floor, the brightness JJ exuded was getting dangerously close to the shadow Emily was trying to lurk in.

Bending to reach for the cap, Emily took a deep breath to compose herself, and thankfully, by the time she returned to pouring the drinks, JJ had wandered back into the living room.

“Pull it together Prentiss, this was not part of the plan” she muttered to herself, she grabbed the glasses and made her a way back into the other room silently praying the cover of night would disguise the way her heart was racing and her hands were shaking.

Unbeknownst to Emily, JJ was having her own internal conflict. It had been a long time coming, but sat in that bar, watching her closest friends flirt, dance, and laugh with other people, JJ couldn’t shake the picture of a certain brunette from her mind. Clouding the edges of the image, JJ always saw a shadow creeping around the outline of Emily. Whatever was hiding there, JJ decided she was going to find out. After all, isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? Shine a light on the darkness and hold your hand?