“ I wonder how you manage to deal with the pain inside you!” I look up at JongHyun from the book I’m reading, blinking a few times, trying to process the words that came out of his mouth so suddenly. His tense gaze worries me.
“ What do you mean?” I ask, a little surprised by JongHyun's sudden outburst. I still don't know what to say or how to say it. Because I have no idea what kind of battle JongHyun’s fighting inside.
“ The pain of losing him! How do you cope with it?”
I shrugged, trying not to show JongHyun the pain or the tears I hide deep inside me all the time. I'm not yet ready to tell him how I silently, secretly, give in every night, trying to keep my mind and soul whole, just so he can be my ray of light that I so desperately need. How can I tell him that I'm trying my best to heal that pain and that longing?! When I don't even know how to explain that consuming suffering!
“ It is excruciating!” I want to say, but honestly, he doesn't deserve to carry my pain or feel my fear of abandonment. Because the moment my ex-fiancé decided to end his affair with the world, while I was miles away from him, was the most heartbreaking thing for me. Because the moment my ex-fiancé decided to end his affair with the world, while I was miles away from him, was the most heartbreaking thing for me. But I can't! And not out of disrespect for JongHyun, or because of emotional exhaustion, but because I don't want to project onto him a guilt that belongs only to me.
I was so blind that I couldn't see beyond what my ex-fiancé, SeoJun, was showing me. He could no longer bear the cruel judgment of the world when he had done nothing wrong. Because he could not bear the guilt that the therapists - who were supposed to help him heal, understand, walk a path that should not be full of thorns - threw at him when he asked for help.
I put the book down after marking the page I was reading and then took a deep breath as I got up from the couch. “ I'm just coping with it!”
“ How?!” JongHyun asks me after he downs his glass of ice water. I shrug again, not daring to look him in the eyes, afraid of what he might see in them. So I avoid his gaze and look away.
“ Doing my job!”
JongHyun raises a manicured eyebrow, urging me to continue. I sigh, opening the fridge to get a bottle of water, still thinking about everything that’s been bothering him. It’s true that losing SeoJun wasn’t easy, and it still isn’t. But JongHyun came into my life like a breath of fresh air that I had been longing for so much while the pain was suffocating me. And without him even knowing, not even a little bit, he became my own therapist who secretly, silently, helped me heal without asking awkward questions or blaming me in any way. He had so much patience with me and affection for me that I wonder if I really deserve such a miracle in my life!
All this time, JongHyun waits silently, standing in the same place, calm and patient, watching my every move.
I fill his glass with water and drink from it. He narrows his eyes at me as I smile, knowing I’m avoiding discussing the subject.
“See?! I’m already doing my job! I heal people to heal myself!” JongHyun continues to look at me as if I have two heads instead of one. I wrap my arms around his neck, kissing his lips gently.
“No!” JongHyun speaks with conviction, shaking his head. “ You heal to atone for your guilt! And that’s not healing, my love!”
I smile to make him believe me even though deep down I'm perfectly aware of how right he is. After all, besides SeoJun, JongHyun knows me better than anyone else.
“ I’m fine. Stop worrying so much about me!” JongHyun grabs my hips, pulling me closer to his body feeling him pressed against me. So I gently caress the back of his neck and then I lower my right hand to his chest, above his heart, holding it there.
“ If I don’t worry about you, then who will?! Strangers?” JongHyun takes my hand and kisses my fingertips, then places my hand back on his muscular chest.
“ Besides…” JongHyun caresses my left cheek with his knuckles tenderly and trustingly, letting me feel the soft skin of his hand and the masculine scent of his hand cream. “… what you went through wasn’t easy.”
No, it wasn't easy, it's not easy, and it never will be easy, yet I can't stop halfway just because it hurts. I will miss him forever and mourn him deeply, but before JongHyun came into my life I longed for someone to be in my life whenever I needed him, to be there for me not only in good times but also in bad, not only in happiness but also in sorrow. I needed to be loved for who I am, like SeoJun never loved me. Because, in the end, in this whole situation, he was the selfish one, not me!
I, too, felt the need to give love in a way that SeoJun never gave me the chance to do it properly. He ruthlessly stole that right from me!
Was I devastated? Yes! Was I angry? Yes! Did I constantly blame myself for what SeoJun did? Yes!
But when this man appeared in my path, it was like a miracle that I had no idea how much I needed to be able to cope with everything!
And for that, then and now, I was and still am grateful to the Heavens!
“ It wasn't easy!” I know that he loves me with sweetness, that he adores me with an affection impossible to express in words, that his actions speak louder than his mouth would say, that I am in all his thoughts, as if I were engraved in his soul.
“ But when you came into my life, at first, I was so afraid that I would lose you, just like I lost my ex-fiancé. I was afraid that I would be defeated again by the same helplessness and blindness, by the same depressive states and internal conflicts that constantly work in silence. And then, step by step, little by little, you pushed that fear away and replaced it with something else.”
The confusion is clearly visible on his face as soon as I finish speaking and I look at him serenely, a little at peace with myself, smiling.
“ I think SeoJun felt sorry for stealing my right to happiness.” I think to myself before stepping back a little to memorize every wrinkle of worry, every grimace of the one who came into my life to save me.
After a pause in which I contemplate the way his eyes sparkle every time he looks at me, or the way the smile spreads across his face every time he sees me, or the fact that his shyness has disappeared as quickly as he devours my food, I open my mouth to speak.
“ With love!” I say, looking JongHyun straight in the eye without hesitating at all. Because everything I said to him came from my deepest sincerity!
Just a simple word softens his expression, making him less worried, but still concerned for my mental and emotional health. He takes me back in his arms, hugging me tightly, rocking me gently, as if he's dancing with me.
He holds me delicately like a flower, and I rest my head on his shoulder, letting him lead me in our slow dance in the kitchen.
“ I love you too, my love!” I hear JongHyun say as the music begins to softly play in the background, making me let go of all my worries and fears with a simple hug and a dance. I abandon myself completely in his warm, protective embrace.
@anencyclopediaofimaginarythings
