#andsorry

She was dying inside.

It was like everything had been ripped out of her that night. All of her feelings had been torn out of her body, and she was left empty.

She had spent about 7 hours with her boyfriend, enjoying New Year's Eve....and then she just...broke down....

She stared at her past messages, and that feeling like someone had punched a hole through her stomach angrily raw in her chest.

She yelled at him.

She never, ever yelled at him.

She deserved to die.

He obviously hated her.

Did he.....hate her?

He was obviously asleep. That was more than apparent. She sighed, groaning softly as she tried not to wake the guests sleeping in her room.

Karma was obviously punishing her for this.

She couldn't sleep.

Her mind, her heart, her entire being was gone....

In fact, it was miles away.

With a boy who probably hated her, now.

Why the hell would he even still love a spoiled bitch like her, anyways? She stared blankly at her laptop, wishing for some redemption, sleep seeming to far away to even think about, anymore. She was going to stay up....she had to. She'd stay up until she talked to him, again.

Her whole body felt like it was decaying....like she was already dead, and this is what happened after you died inside. You decayed.

As if she couldn't have hated herself more.

She hated herself so much.

She groaned and covered her face, the light glow from the laptop leaving spots in her eyes as she closed them. 

She was suddenly whisked away.

In a bed.....

Warm

With him.

She turned, absolutely shocked, her jaw dropping as she stared at his sleeping face.

"It's....It's you..." she half-squeaked, half-whispered.

"Mmmmm." he turned slightly, in his sleep.

She covered her mouth, staring at him.

One eye opened as he sleepily looked at her. "Yes?" He slurred.

"You're here...." She whispered, eyes still wide.

"Of course I am..." he smirked slightly, opening the other eye.

"You don't understand...I....we were...." She was struggling for words, confused as hell.

"Another nightmare?" He asked, wrapping his arms around her. 

Sweet baby jesus he felt so fucking real.

She knew she was going to start crying if she let herself believe it, though. Truly believe it.....she couldn't possibly believe it.

He pulled her close to him, and she nuzzled his neck. Well, he definitely felt real....her social anxiety and awkwardness flared up, and she just hoped to God she wasn't actually shaking like she thought she was.

"Are you alright....? You didn't answer..." He whispered.

"I'm....just processing." She answered, voice cracking slightly.

"I'm still here....I haven't left. I won't leave you...." He said, like that's what she had been dreaming....

But maybe that's what she had been dreaming. 

Maybe the miles away was just a dream.

Maybe all she had needed to do was wake up.....

She looked up at him, eyes wide. "You're here...."

"That's what I said." He chuckled, softly, looking at her.

She stared into his eyes, searchingly. "You let go of me....in your sleep"

He frowned slightly. "I'm sorry....I shouldn't have." He squeezed her slightly, holding her closer to him.

She let herself shape her body against his. She was with him this entire time. Tears slowly started falling down her cheeks. They were happily together, and she was ruining it by not believing. 

He looked down at her, curiously. He was beginning to wonder where her mind was wandering to.

"I....I need to tell you something." She said, looking at him, her eyes wide and earnest.

"Yes?" He answered, softly rubbing her back.

"I love you....so.....so much...." She said, and then she kissed him.

His eyes widened, then slowly closed, kissing back.

Her arms wrapped around his neck, fingers softly twisting into his hair, as she continued to kiss him.

His hands slowly slid to her sides, softly rubbing them as he kissed her back, tentatively. Like it was he who was afraid of her disappearing.

Which was ridiculous, because she never disappeared on him.

She started to kiss him more passionately, pressing herself up against him more. She never wanted to leave him. Never wanted him to go.

He kissed back, letting his passion steadily escalate till they both had to pull away just to breathe.

She stared at him, panting slightly. "I.....I've needed that for a long time."

"You always could have asked." He said, smiling slightly.

She looked at him, blushing. "Always?"

"Always and forever."

Then he leaned in a kissed her, softly.

Her whole being seemed to melt under him, and she felt at peace. Like this is exactly where she belonged. She closed her eyes, and kissed back, letting out a soft moan as she pulling in closer.......

There was a loud thump from outside the room. She jumped awake, her head on her arms that were resting on her laptop. She stared at her screen, and then blinked, quickly pulling up the site she was eager to get a notification from.....

Nothing.

He wasn't there.

She had dreamed it all, and she hadn't even woken up to him being there.

I don't know if I should even stay.....She thought as she stared at the screen for a few seconds more.

Then she slowly closed out of the tab and stood up, stretching.

This was the one thing she hated about dreams.

No matter how sweet.

No matter what happened in them.

She always had to wake up.

And realize that reality....

Would never bring her what she truly wanted.

She walked away, to coffee, to the day, too afraid to look back and see, if he had forgiven her.