#andeasyand

People forever revealing my self to me. Friend was so en pointe, it made me think about all the things I've done in my life. I used to think I am happy-go-lucky but I guess... not.

And yes, the risk was worth it - in my-logic-kind-of-worth it. Well, a story for my kids, nieces, grandkids...

We had a block of wood turned which ended up looking like a wooden bong.

- “We should make into a bong, drill some holes.” “Hell yeah, we should!” - “I am sure you’d know where to get the stuff. It would explain the warm glow when you come in the morning.”

Here is the first thing about me - I am stubborn.

Secondly, I am made of dreams. 

I will listen to your dreams and I will nod, unless you are hurting yourself. Maybe if I am feeling honestly, I might suggest, "But don't you thing..." Then, stop myself. This is why I argue little.

I have a story I am living and the perspective you are offering is that of one and maybe twenty other people. But there are at least a billion others in China. 

The third thing you have to know is that I am not afraid to be wrong. I am the girl who fell into a drain and laughed hysterically. She fell on bricked floors, scrapped more than an epidermis till something white could be seen. "That's a bone isn't it?"

She sits at bus stops and make funny faces and kids. Sometimes in packed trains she rolls a tongue at a kid who whines too much or is about to cry; they start rolling theirs too.

I am stubborn and I am not afraid to be wrong. There are some things I want and other things that do not matter. While I have been utter madness to people on the outside, the little girl in me knows that I have been pretty consistent. 

The fourth thing is that I know I will die.

Perhaps, the last thing to note (if you've read thus far) is that regret and blaming someone else is not in my vocabulary. How do you blame someone because you didn't live your life?

I am stubborn and I will support you or listen to you

but don't expect me to change my mind because a tree that you can see has deep roots. It may fall but it returns to the grown to give and grow again.

I jolt myself awake. It was 0141h. I've only been asleep for ninety minutes. that is enough for one sleep cycle. Enough for your mind to dig deep, take various information, pictures, people and make them into a story. With meaning or without. 

I tried really hard to convince myself it was just a dream. And it was. I woke up this morning, feeling weary and heart-heavy. 

I was part of a martial arts club. Trying really hard to be one of those in the top ranks. He was training me. He was honest and hard on me. He was just how I imagined a good trainer should be. 

It was our last session before he was in for a Motor GP, an annual car race of sorts that comes along with it thrill and perhaps, a chance to cheat death.

"You are a silent fighter. We are the same kind. We should talk some time once I am back," he said. And he left for the race ground. Something moved the tenterhooks of my heart. Suddenly, he could be the one. No doubts crossed and for once in my life, I was willing to wait and I did.

Race day came, I was on the ground watching, I wanted to see him win. I wanted to be excited and yet nonchalant. As I waited, words came that his car veered off course crashing and the only possibility was death. I refused to believe. But his friends confirmed. 

"He was with a partner, they are almost together."

No, he said he'd be back for me.

It broke me. Who would believe me? I didn't cry. Silence wrapped me and there was no one else I could talk to. Who would believe me? He didn't tell anyone because we were suppose to talk. That's how relationships happen between two people. Just two. With whom should I grief? Was I just overthinking what he said? 

I woke up with an empathetic grief and a bothered mind.

I've been hiding from friends except a couple. 

Call it introversion but I would advice it for anyone who is going through a change in their lives. There a comes a time when you need to do things for yourself. You need to listen to one voice - yours. It is easy to listen to when you are alone, physically and mentally.

I stopped talking to people about my job until they asked. When I spoke, I punched in an honest conviction. I was defensive because that is what people do for things they love.

I stopped asking other mates about their salary and prospects. I focused on the experience I am getting. Family dinners became opportunities to share little pockets of stories like the men along the hallways watching me and another lady pack 60 rattan chairs into the cargo lift, or men hanging around the corridor watching a girl strip a two metre long table to its original grain, or men telling me, "don't carry that, girl, we will do it," too many times until they realize I am relentless and I am actually a bit of a help. Then, they begun asking me for my help.

I concentrated on how I dread waking up because of the rush hour and afternoon sun, yet I never complained about it. When life threw me a curve ball, I couldn't wait to get back to work, I actually missed work and I keep telling myself, I need work to stop thinking.

I found meditation in the sounds of the grinder, my heart got used to the sounds of the saw and my fingers learn how to feel again. 

The other day, a friend shared the monetary benefits of her new job. Maybe I felt a tinge of envy but then I recovered quickly to realize that I chose where I am right now. I've been praying with gratitude and I've been happy within working hours and beyond as I spill stories. That's when I realize how poisonous people can be to your private times only because it is human.

At this moment in my life, I know I won't regret this day. Come what may, I needed to make this choice. I have to remember that I am happy today.

I think, I'm 97% complete to cementing this choice. 

Paramedic: so was the lorry fast?