#and i'm...

So much love! Thank you!

I know they love me. I know they've got my best interests at heart. Get a date, fall in love, stop pining over your fallen angel. Move on, Dean, go get laid, get back in the game, Dean, get up when you're down, carry on.

I just... I dunno what I want. What did I ever want out of a relationship before? I wanted a quick fuck. I wanted to get my mind off... Everything. I wanted to feel normal, to feel human, just for a night.

With Cas, I wanted to hold on tight and never lose one of the few people alive who could handle me, who could fight me when I was being a mean, stupid son of a bitch. I wanted to prove to him, to Sam, hell, to myself, that I could love somebody. I could do it right. I wanted to prove I could be human for more than a night. I wanted to prove that I could be human - not every night, but most. Not every day, but at times. Not always, but often enough. I wanted to love Cas, and I wanted to deserve to love Cas.

I'm human now. Every minute of every fucking day, I am weak and frail and human. I watch my words and work on talking about my feelings and I clean the fucking apartment and I am human, and they tell me to go on a date, that it'll make me feel better.

What do I want? A gal who can match me shot for shot, beer for beer, hustle pool with me, pull me back to the motel when she... I don't drink anymore. I live in an apartment. I have roommates.

What do I want? A guy who'll give me a slow once-over, a quick nod, a messy fumble behind the bar, all without a word? This disabled body, broken body, weak body, can't get into dangerous situations like that. I have to share this body, have to be careful. I don't drink anymore.

What do I want? An angel, someone who's as far removed from "normal" as I am, someone who'll make me feel worthwhile, who can give as good as he gets when the PTSD flashbacks alcoholism whole thing gets to be too much and I explode? Someone who'll help me protect what needs protecting, stitch me back together when the hunt goes south, who kisses me like he knows god never cared about either of us so he's trying to care enough to make it up to both of us? I don't hunt anymore. I don't fight. I don't drink. Monsters aren't real. Angels aren't real.

What do I want?