#and exist

can this time end pls

Do not be mistaken, because I am clear-sighted. Even in love, I would rather see with a blurrier vision than I ever do truly. I look at someone in my life, who I feel a great amount of, albeit dispassionate, love for, and I think, "Well, of course I do not think you are a good man. I do not ever hear you speak of what good men speak, or see you do what good men do -- at least not in the instances where you are not after something, which then render it all false and useless as a measure to judge one by (and this is where you would make an argument about incentives that I think of as a response to congitive dissonance, a failing excuse when tested thoroughly); rather, I think you are a flawed man, extremely vulnerable to this world of others, which means you trick those who want you as you present in the earliest of days, despite all proof pointing otherwise, despite proof of a different and more complex, even scarred, underbelly. I think in that way you are very much like many other men I have known, and yet you are unlike them in your unwavering unwillingness to see an issue with it no matter how I have presented my fair evidence. I think you can fall victim to yourself, and use others to pack a hole in your self-regard, and ruin things because of a screeching inside, and hurt people because you cannot sustain, without much drama of ego, a wound to the self or the fear that a wound to the self is even possible. And so I think, yes, you can be quite awful, especially toward women, and I think it is lofty of you to imply that you are not a misogynist as if the mistreatment of your opposite sex did not exist on a spectrum, and as if you have not spoke of your feelings of past contempts and told your stories of how you have disrespected another's dignity; but really, I don't care all that much about your conduct (and know we all have had our own time of terribleness and trickery and such) as long as it is kept far away from myself, and as long as it does not extend into the realm of the monstrous. I never care to deride you or lecture at overwhelming length the possible dangers and consequences of not stepping outside one's own body. And in keeping that part of your character only on the perimeter of any involvement with one another, perhaps I might still be able to glean what is fascinating -- the struggle within -- without taking in any of the dust being kicked up. I might even gently and accidentally stoke the fire of some change, small as it could ever be. Plus, sometimes you say something I delight in, for it is fresh and cool and easy when we are genuinely speaking, all things flowing like two streams feeding one river of thought. But this grows less so with less involvement, an exchange that I am unsure balances anything in a manner that is positive, because I am just as limited in this role as the others you have placed me in previously. I'm surely resigned as incapable to be much of anything inside of it. I am unsure of what is better or worse about the current trade. I am unsure of most things beyond what I know is false, which can at times seem like such an unproductive way of knowing. And unlike you (as you have shown), even in the most disgusting moments of our interactions I will refuse and have refused to, never as viciously as I could at least, use what I know to be false to crush between my hands the little leaflets of any roughly drafted self-esteem. Which I think, if nothing else, is love -- the simple and pure act of it. And I believe I feel a real gratitude to who, although I do now at this point of our meeting recoil and flinch at the thought of even the most casual and briefest of touch from you, reveals so constantly to me how far I have come and how far I could still yet go.

any plans for the new year?