#amilliontinypieces

Spock and Captain Kirk were meeting with a few Starfleet officials and you had just been passing by when you had heard Spock yelling at the officials.  You had paused by the door and you watched Kirk grab Spock by the shoulder to hold him back, motioning him to the door and telling him to leave.  Spock had stormed out with an intense look on his face and anger in his eyes and you froze in fear as he rushed past you, nearly knocking you over.  You had followed him back to his room to figure out what was wrong.   

Now he regarded you with an expression that you couldn't read.  You had thought you had gotten pretty good at reading Spock, even though he was Vulcan, but you didn't understand what he was feeling now. 

"What's wrong?" You asked. 

"Nothing of your concern." Spock assured and you scrunched your face up in an expression of disbelief. 

"Bullshit." You challenged and his eyes flicked to yours for a second before focusing back on the corner of the couch. 

You felt your blood boil at his nonchalance, so you flopped dramatically onto the couch, directly in the place where he was staring. He blinked a few times, as if just noticing you were there, and finally fixed his gaze on yours. 

"Spock, you really scared me back there, I thought you were going to hurt someone." Your voice got quiet. "I thought you were going to hurt me."

His head tilted slightly to the side and he suddenly looked hurt. 

"I had no intention to injure anyone, especially you, Lieutenant."

"Don't call me Lieutenant." You admonished but gave him a small smile at his concern for your well-being. 

You reached up and rested your hand on his forearm, but he pulled back in a swift movement, tucking his hands behind his back.  It felt like he stabbed you in the heart. 

"Spock, talk to me." You leaned back into the couch, tucking your feet underneath you. 

"I am talking to you." He responded. 

You rolled your eyes.  Every once and a while his human sass would show it's head.  You fell into a tense silence and you watched as he had an internal battle with himself.  

"There's something wrong.  You can tell me, Spock." You insisted and reached for his arm again, but met open air as he stayed where he was. 

"Lieutenant my problems are not of your concern." 

You furrowed your brows and pursed your lips, trying to figure out how to get through to him.

"Spock, are we in a relationship?" 

His eyes flicked to yours curiously, "According to the definition of the human vernacular, yes." 

"Then your problems are my concern." You professed. 

He was silent for a minute, before he resigned himself and came to sit beside you on the couch. You reached your hand over and rested it on his forearm, relief flooding through you as he finally allowed you to touch him. You moved your thumb slowly over the fabric of his shirt, stroking soft lines into his arm.  

Suddenly you had an idea. 

"Lie down." 

Spock turned his head to look at you questioningly. 

"Lie down." You repeated, "When we were upset as kids, my mom would take us aside and make us lie down so our head was on her lap.  Then she'd stroke our hair and make us talk about what was making us upset."  You smiled softly at him, "It worked every time."

When he didn't move you shifted your hand from his arm and rested it on his cheek, now stroking soft lines into the skin right under his eye.  His eyes closed involuntarily and his breath stuttered at your touch.  

"Lie down, Spock." You instructed again and pulled your hand away, his eyes opening instantly at the loss of contact. 

Finally he obliged.  He shifted so his feet were at the far end of the couch, hanging over it, and his head was nestled on your thighs, his hair brushing the bare skin that wasn't covered by your uniform dress.  He looked up to you, his face still an unreadable mask of emotions, and his hands were folded gently in his lap.  

You began to run your fingers through his hair, your fingertips parting through the perfectly cut black strands.  You watched as he began to unfold beneath you.  His face softened at your soothing touch, and his eyes drifted closed.  You absently wondered when he had slept last.  

After a few minutes of your fingers running through his hair, his eyes re-opened, and he met your eyes, taking in a shaky breath. 

"I have just been informed that Spock Prime, myself in the future, has passed away." Spock's voice held a tone of sadness thatt you had never heard before. 

The news shook you to the core.  That was never something anyone wanted to hear.  That their loved one had passed.  Well, this was your future loved one, but still. 

"Is that why you had that outburst today?" You inquired. 

"I believe it is." 

You looked down at Spock, who had shut his eyes again and his brow was furrowed, his lips pressed into a tight line.  You moved your fingers to the space between his eyebrows and stroked the skin there softly to smooth out the wrinkles. 

"I am so sorry, Spock." You apologized and bit back tears. 

"It is not your fault, there is no reason for you to apologize." Spock corrected but his eyes remained closed. 

"No, It's just something humans say.  Like we apologize that you are feeling upset.  I am sad that you are sad." You explained as best you could. 

"Vulcan's do not express emotions, Lieutentant..." Spock started but you interrupted.

"If you call me lieutenant one more time I am going to rip the bangs off your forehead." You let out a sad laugh before leaning forward and pressing your forehead to Spock's, finally letting the tears fall from your eyes. 

You let yourself cry then, but almost smiled when his hand came up to your shoulder, a steadying presence.  You stayed frozen in that position, your forehead pressed to his, just feeling his breath tickle your wet cheeks as tears streamed down your face and onto his. You tried desperately to tell yourself that he was not dead.  That this Spock, your Spock, was still here, still alive.  

"Y/N?" Spock breathed.

You hummed in response, taking in shaky breaths in an attempt to regain control. 

"You feel sadness for me, correct?" He asked, his eyes opening and meeting yours, which were less than an inch apart. 

You nodded and pulled back, sitting up again, and letting out a few sniffles. 

"Why do you choose to feel pain for me?"

The question left you speechless, despite knowing the answer better than you knew your own heartbeat. 

"I assumed you would have known." You stuttered, your voice much shakier than you meant it to be. 

He looked up at you questioningly now, his face suddenly so vulnerable that you wanted to burst into tears again. 

"I have developed feelings of affection for you." You smirked through your sadness. 

"You are quoting my own words back to me in an attempt to be amusing." Spock commented with a grunt of appreciation. 

You smiled softly down at him, your fingers running absently through his hair, but your lip quivered and a single tear streaked down your cheek. 

"Why are you still sad?" Spock inquired softly, his fingers reaching up and catching the tear before it dropped off your chin. 

"You died today, Spock.  Doesn't that scare you?" You bit your lip hard as you looked down at him, trying to stop the flow of tears. 

"Everyone dies Y/N.  Therefore fear of death is illogical."  He explained robotically, and it made your heart hurt, you didn't know why this was affecting you so much, but for some reason you couldn't meet his eyes.

"But I have learned from my recent escapades with Dr.McCoy that fear of death is what keeps us alive." Spock confided, but he sounded confused and you brought your eyes back to his face, "what does that mean?"

You regarded him for a moment before answering. 

"It means that we are kept alive, we are driven to do things, because of the imminence that is our deaths." You quoted something your father had said once, before he passed.

You recognized the look in Spock's eye as admiration and the corners of his mouth turned up slightly as he said, "Fascinating."

That word alone sent shivers down your spine and you rewarded him with a warm smile, but he still look conflicted. 

"Spock, what do you need? Some time?  Some space?" You pulled your fingers from his hair. 

"If by "space" you imply distance from you, Y/N, then no, that would not help my emotionally compromised state.  Just some time to process the situation and its meaning."

You smiled down at him, your fingers finding his hair, and leaned over again, this time pressing a kiss to the tip of his nose.  You made to pull back but were stopped by a hand firmly placed on the back of your neck.  

He brought your face close to his, and you thought he meant to kiss you, but instead he rested his forehead on yours again.  He reached up and grabbed your hand, the one that was not tangled in his hair and pressed his palm against yours.  You stopped breathing.  

You had been hesitant and careful not to grab Spock's hand too much before this, as you knew what it meant to Vulcans to touch hands. But now Spock moved his fingertips to yours, pressing them gently together, as if he was sure and unsure of himself at the same time.  Your eyes squeezed shut involuntarily as the emotion of his action rolled into you.  You gasped as waves of cool electricity flooded your veins and surrounded your heart, crashing into it like a stormy sea and sending shivers surging through your body.  You had never felt anything like it before and you let yourself be consumed in admiration, and fondness, and love.  

You smiled now and pressed tiny kisses to his forehead, cheeks and the corner of his mouth.  His eyes gleamed before they closed and you pressed your lips softly to his eyelids.  After a while your hands drifted apart and you were left with this humming feeling in your chest, a happy hum, something you never wanted to end. You smiled into the comfortable silence that enveloped the both of you. 

"Do you want to go get something to eat?" You whispered after a while, the sound of your voice causing Spock's eyes to flick open. 

"No, I am very comfortable right now and it would be unpleasant to move." 

"Alright." You shifted back in the couch so you were more relaxed.  

You tilted your head back, a smile playing at your lips incessantly, and thought that you could probably fall asleep right then and there when Spock's voice broke you from your stupor. 

"Would you, perhaps, continue the soothing action you were performing before?"

You blushed and looked down at him, thinking of the kiss, and asked tentatively, "Which action?"

"The action of your fingers in my hair, Y/N, of course." He peeked an eye open, "to which action did you think I was referring?"

"Nothing!" you squeaked and let out a laugh which elicited a raised eyebrow from Spock.

You sprawled your fingers back into his hair, tipping your head back again and resting your other hand on his chest, which he softly wrapped in his own.  You peered down at Spock who looked unbelievably calm and relaxed, and you smiled, reveling in the sparks that filled your veins and the wave of happiness that consumed you.