Vent, vent, vent, vent, vent, vent, vent, vent, vent
I made everything worse, for my friends. Why did I say everything? I shouldāve just stayed quiet, great now they probably hate River, Iām so dumb, Iām literally so dumb, I make everything worse for everyone. Maybe thatās because Iām so desperate to get out of my parents house and control, maybe itās because Iām just so desperate for freedom from this constant stress, negativity and yelling from the arguments I have with my parentsā¦maybe Iām the problem just like he said. Maybe Iām a narcissist just like my dad said, maybe Iām just being selfish and Iām just overreacting and overthinking. Why do I always make it worse? Why do I say the most ridiculous things when Iām have an episodeā¦and Iām bringing everyone downā¦Iām letting down everyone! Itās so exhausting trying to hold back every time Iām crying every time Iām on the verge of having a panic attack, why do I always bother people with my problems, it would've been better if i stayed quiet and kept pushing them awayā¦it wouldāve been better if I never been friends with themā¦then they wouldnāt be so badā¦right? Or would they still be suffering anyway? Would it even make a difference if i wasnāt friends with them? Of course it would'veā¦my old friend wouldāve gotten wings of their own if i didnāt meet themā¦but still I canāt get rid of the feeling that Iām the problem of this and that Iām making everything worse for everyone. I'm making it worse for Iris, for Emi, for Daiki and Iām basically hurting Riverā¦but I just want to protect them! But Iām hurting them!ā¦why is this so hard? Why is it so hard for me to just keep being calm?ā¦ i was on the verge of a panic attackā¦5 timesā¦and I was crying for hoursā¦this feels just like when we were youngerā¦the same fearā¦being in an incredibly small room with no light and nobody elseā¦the walls slowly closing in on us, slowly making us even more desperate to be safe even more desperate to be able to be a kid even though weāre not young anymoreā¦even though we canāt just keep being dependentā¦I cant keep doing this to themā¦Iām hurting themā¦i donāt mean to hurt them but I obviously amā¦how do I fix this?ā¦ I cant anymoreā¦this isnāt something a sorry will fixā¦their mental wellbeing is more important than ours..more important than trying to be freeā¦more important than getting away from our problemsā¦more important than escaping and being safeā¦cause I canāt live without regret if i canāt fix itā¦Iām not going to get wings of my own yetā¦I just want to cling on a little bit longer to see what will happenā¦if itās a bad outcome then you know what Iāll probably doā¦I donāt want to but Iāll probably do it if an episode happens when itās a bad outcome, and I want my friends to know Iām sorry for being so dependent for you to have your energy drained by my negativity, for your own problems becoming worse, for your choice of trying to help me, for all the things that Iāve caused to happen to you. I'm sorry, I love you all a lot and I care about you all.
