#ameliafics

This week was busy, the Parkinsons trial was making huge progress— it was successful. She had back to back surgeries when she was in Seattle, and on her off days she was flying to Minnesota. Finding childcare was difficult, most days Link was working, or, he was no where to be found.

He was a great father, never a doubt in mind, but his schedule never lined up with hers. Twice this week she had no one to watch Scout, and today was one of those days.

Scout was sat in his stroller, a bag slipping off of her shoulder and her face was bare. Hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed yet and she was rushing into the lab, her breath heavy.

“I’m here,” she muttered. Meredith’s eyes met hers, eyebrows raised. “I’m here.”

“With Scout?”

“Link wasn’t returning my calls,” she sighed. “Our schedules never seem to be lining up. Plus, Scout and I are overdue for some quality time.” She dropped her bags onto a counter, running a hand down her face.

“You look exhausted.” Meredith pointed out. “Have you slept?”

“Not a whole lot.” She said while leaning down in front of her son, placing a warm blanket on top of him. “Was at the hospital late last night. A trauma came in.”

“Well, I was just about to grab some lunch,” Meredith said. “Why don’t I take him for a bit?”

“You would be a life saviour, thank you.” She nodded, grabbing Scout’s belongings, throwing the bag over her shoulder before she was pushing the stroller out of the lab.

Sighing, she sat on one of the chairs, opening her books with all of her written notes. They were so close, so close to a breakthrough. David’s emergent surgery had delayed them, and although they wished they could have done it sooner, it just gave them more time to find new information. She was confident. They were all confident.

They might have cured Parkinsons disease.

The thought of curing a neurodegenerative disorder gave her a high, a high that she had been chasing her whole life. A type of high that she didn’t even feel after cutting into someones brain and removing a tumour, all of the risky and almost impossible surgeries that she had succeeded in, didn’t amount to the way she felt.

A hand was softly brushing her back, a styrofoam coffee cup being placed in front of her. “Coffee?” The voice came from Kai, who was sitting in the chair next to her. “I ran into Meredith, she told me you were exhausted.”

“Hm,” Amelia hummed, pulling the cup up to her lips. “You are the best, thank you.”

“Your son,” Kai spoke. “Scout?”

Amelia’s eyes met theirs, a smile playing at their lips. “You met him? I was hoping I’d be the one-“

“Kind of.” Kai interrupted. “He was asleep. You can properly introduce us later.”

“You never told me why the father isn’t around.” Kai was moving their chair closer to her. “You’re not married. So what happened?”

There was prolonged sigh, and Amelia’s fingers were running along the rim of the coffee cup. Her eyes never looked up. Kai could see her mind wandering, the way her teeth chewed on her bottom lip, something Kai noticed that Amelia had a habit in doing.

She inhaled a deep breath through her nose before exhaling through her mouth before her eyes were finally glancing up to met theirs. “I love Scout,” she started. Another sigh. “I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything.” Her eyes were diverting away again.

“But… the kids, the family, the big dream— it was never mine.” She sounded sad, like her voice was heavy. “It wasn’t his either— until Mer got sick and suddenly we went from having one kid to four, and,” Her voice was unsteady, an uncertainity in her voice — like she was nervous to say more.

“I’m an addict.” It was blunt but Kai didn’t push for more information.

“And during the pandemic, it was hard to attend meetings regularly on top of looking after three kids with a new born. It wasn’t the lifestyle I wanted and Link wanted more, he wanted the big family and the more I imagined that life, the more I felt myself slipping. I need to focus on myself and more kids, marriage, that would be something that would stop me from being able to take care of myself. Knowing all of this information, and despite me saying no, he still proposed. He still means a lot to me, but we want different things and I’m trying to find peace with that.”

Kai was quiet for a moment, like they were processing everything deeply and it was like Amelia could see the gears in their head turning. And before they could think of the right thing to say—- the best thing, Amelia started again.

“I used to want that life. There was a man I loved named Ryan and we were both addicts.” Her breath was shaky. Kai reached a hand forward to place on top of hers for comfort. Their hand was soft and warm. “We planned a life together. Two boys and two girls with the big wedding. But, he died and ever since then I have decided to focus on keeping myself sane, and the thought of marriage and children is out the window.”

Then, gently, they were wrapping their arms around her waist from behind while resting their chin on the top of her head. Amelia leaned back into their touch, their grip only tightening.

“Shepherd,” their voice was soft; comforting. “You don’t need to explain yourself to him. You said no. That’s a good enough answer and if he fails to understand that, that reflects on him and not you.” A kiss was pressed against her neck. A gentle kiss. They were always so delicate with her.

“I didn’t expect this huge explanation either.” A hand was brushing her hair out of the way. “I’m glad you could trust me.”

“I think I’m falling in love with you.” That sentence made her breath catch in her throat and her heartbeat quicken. It felt like her heart dropped to the pits of her stomach and her cheeks got hot. “You amaze me, Amelia. And this is one more thing to add to the list of reasons why I am.”

“Kai,” Amelia started.

In the beginning, all he was, was sex. Alternative pain relief, no strings attached because her life was “already full of complications.” He was a rebound, honestly so. He wasn’t supposed to be anything more; just somebody to help her feel alive again. She had a history of jumping into stuff too quickly and it was the one flaw of hers she desperately wished she could change. That’s when she decided a slow route with him, proper datings, dates sitting across a dinner table to get to know each other, to really get to know him; square one. Then the accidental pregnancy, but him unsure of wanting to stay if he was not the father. One step forward, two steps back. Square one.

There they were again. Him leaving, deciding he couldn’t be with her without the marriage. Her unconditional love and affection for him was there, she adored him and she fell in love with him. But it wasn’t enough. He needed the label, he needed the realness and he wanted the big family in the big house, the idea of a perfect family. While his idea of his happy life was finally playing out, her sister in between life and death. She couldn’t recognize herself. She felt like she was always trying to catch her breath, like she was drowning or like a constant weight was pushing down on her chest and it was so heavy it was felt in her lungs. Pushing down so hard that it was hard to breathe, like her lungs were being filled up with water.

Her sobriety was shaky, self confidence was at it’s lowest all while her addiction was crawling back in. She was hanging on by a thread and he was falling in love with life; happy, grateful. He knew, they had a deal and it wasn’t followed through and all the pressure on his want for marriage was more weight being added to the brick that already sat on her chest.

So he left and it ached. Back to square one. But, a part of her always found peace with it, or at least she thought she could by at least knowing that he can find somebody to wants the same things he does, and they can both be truly happy and that’s what her plan was, as well.

To be happy.

So when she kissed Kai Bartley, it’s because she craved it. Wanted to feel the butterflies in her stomach like she was a little kid on the playground, like a young girl with a crush. The way her cheeks felt hot and the way knees felt weak, what the giddy feeling was like.

A connection. Amelia had a connection with them that made her feel calm, at ease, the weight on her chest felt lighter and it was easier to breathe.

“Did you just guide mediate me?” Their eyes were scanning her face, a look in their eyes that Amelia almost missed.

“Did it work?” Her eyes were trailing down to their lips then back up to their eyes.

“It didn’t not work.” Kai took a step forward, their eyes peering down at her, towering over her and their eyes matched hers; full of anticipation.

It only took a few seconds before Kai’s hand was reaching forward to brush the hair out of Amelia’s face, gently tucking it behind her ear.

She didn’t plan on kissing them, although she craved it, it wasn’t what she planned to happen. But then she felt Kai’s soft hands delicately stroking her earlobe before the palm of their hand gripped around her neck, their thumb running along her jawline.

Her eyes fluttered shut, a feeling of warmth ran through her body and her breath hitched in her throat. Kai’s thumb stopped at her chin, tugging Amelia’s face to face theirs and they were both leaning into each other.

It felt like her knees were going to give out, and her entire body melted into the kiss. Her hand immediately snaking around to grab onto the back of Kai’s head, fingers weaving in and out of their sandy blonde hair. Amelia’s other hand flew to Kai’s waist, a gentle tug on their hips to try and get them closer; to feel their entire body pressed against hers.

Their lips were as soft as she imagined; maybe even softer. It’s what they both wanted, what they both craved. The tension and anticipation building up from the moment they met and if they weren’t standing outside the hospital Amelia probably would have backed them right up against the wall, and she so badly wanted to unbutton their shirt.

The kiss lasted longer than she expected, but not long enough; not as long as she wanted it to. She wanted more and the way her palms were sweaty and her hands were trembling, she needed more. She could hear her own heartbeat in her ears.

Her eyes opened and only for a moment, her gaze wandered off to see Atticus Lincoln peering over their shoulder. For a second, her smile faded.

She could see the hurt in his eyes, she could see it take over all of his features that detailed his face. It was the same disappointed and crushed look he gave her back on the beach, the same look that made Amelia want to jump into his arms and say she’s sorry, say she loves him.

But Kai’s eyes were searching hers and Link was storming off before she even had a chance to process it all.

“Speechless?” Kai asked, a smirk pulling at the corners of their mouth.

“I—,” She paused, her bottom lip being chewed on by her teeth. “Uh.”

“I’ll see you around, Shepherd.” And then they were turning away on the ball of their feet, only glancing back for a second over their shoulder.

—

“I’m a good guy,” To her right was Link, his eyes blazing in anger. “And this— I don’t deserve this.”

It was the two of them, standing in front of the O.R board. Her hand let go of the white board eraser that she just previously used and she was turning to look at him, her eyebrows pushed together.

“You told me you loved me, Amelia.” He was stepping closer now, a finger being raised to point at her. There was anger in his eyes, his tone was harsh and his eyebrows furrowed. “And you left Scout with me to fly to Minnesota every week to meet someone else?”

“Link,” she started, a growl leaving her throat.

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?” He interrupted, taking one step closer to her. “How long has this been going on?” She could see the hurt in his eyes and his voice was filled with distaste, a tone in his voice that he’s never spoken to her in.

She opened her mouth to speak but he beat her to it again, shaking his head and letting out a groan. “Is this why our relationship fell apart?”

“Are you trying to imply that you meant nothing to me?” She snapped. People roaming the halls were diverting their attention to the two of them, nurses were distracted from their work to watch the argument unfold.

“You leave Scout to-“

She stepped closer, their faces only a foot apart from each other and you could see the anger in her eyes. “If you’re trying to say that I don’t care about our son then I suggest you think very carefully before you speak.”

“Amelia-“ He tried.

“No, Link.” She growled. “You left me.”

From the corner of her eye was Kai. Amelia wasn’t sure how long they had been standing there but there was two styrofoam coffee cups in their hand and they stopped in their tracks to watch the two of them get in each other’s faces. Kai found it hard to believe that there was ever any affection.

“But I stayed,” his tone sounded desperate now, almost like a beg— like a please, oh my god, understand what I’m saying beg, like he was so exhausted and has given up on her answer always being: no, she won’t marry him. And before she could even explain her side, before she could even want to; he’d storm off, disappear and stay at his best friends place. There was never room for conversation, it was just silence. Some parts seemed too familiar. “When things got hard with your sobriety, I stayed.”

“And yet, you still got down on one knee.” The utter shame she felt, maybe he didn’t mean that or maybe he didn’t mean it in the way she thought, she wasn’t sure if her thinking was even clear enough. Some part her felt like crawling away, hiding— the way she felt was numb. Her heart was caught in her throat and all she could do was stare at him. Her eyes were sad though; hurt.

He knew how hard she was holding on, he knew she was holding on by a thread and yet, knowing she didn’t want marriage, he proposes. And somehow it all seems like her fault.

“Amelia,”

“Coffee?” Kai spoke, stepping next to Amelia and handing her a coffee. Amelia felt their hand slip behind her and gently caress the middle of her back.

But Link and Amelia were staring at each other, both of their eyes searching each other’s for some type of answer. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for but it felt like her chest was heavy again, like the weights were starting to push her under water.

Her chest felt tight and her blue eyes were swimming in a puddle of tears.

Stepping forward, Kai reached their hand out for Link to shake. “Kai Bartley.” When Link ignored them, his eyes not even glancing over, they stepped back. “Well, you’ve got some good qualities but insecurity is your worst one.”

That drew both of their attention away from one another to look over at Kai, and if Amelia wasn’t so angry and hurt she’d laugh.

“You know what,” Link said, shaking his head. “Forget it.”

And before she could answer, he was already walking away from her forcefully pushing a door open so fast that it slammed against the wall.

“Is that him?” Kai asked, turning on their heel to look down at Amelia.

But Amelia’s mind was going a million miles a minute, and all she could hear was static, it also felt like her blood was boiling. Her eyes never glanced up, instead she was focused on her breathing rather than everyone that was staring at her.

She forgot what it was like to feel this much shame or this exposed. She was doing well with her sobriety, she worked really hard at it and she was good. The pandemic was rough for her and life was crazy, crazier than she ever expected it to get and she was exhausted.

Everything was starting to get better, she was doing okay again and now everyone in the halls knew how hard she had struggled previously. She didn’t hide her addiction from people, but it also wasn’t hallway conversation and it definitely wasn’t a story everyone had to know about her.

A story she didn’t even want Kai to know, at least not yet.

“I’m sorry,” Amelia started and without even looking at them, she turned away and stormed off.

—

She tried to keep herself distracted because if not, she’d think too much; worry too much but even while keeping herself busy, the interaction still played out in her head. Like a broken record.

When things got hard with your sobriety, I stayed.

He said it like marriage was now an obligation. Like she was obligated to marry him because he stayed when life got difficult, when she was struggling. It was like he expected it, like she was wrong for not wanting the same dream as him.

She loved him. She loved him so much, with every fibre of her being and sometimes she believes there’s still a part of her that does. Everything was accidental— falling in love, having a child together, nothing was ever planned so the thought of marriage was crazy to her as well as overwhelming. Marriage wasn’t anything she needed to have, or desired. They used to be on the same page but while she fell out of love with herself and could no longer recognize herself, he fell more in love with her and with a life he dreams to have.

But now she was angry. Angry that he’d even use her addiction as an advantage to make her feel guilty, like the reason their relationship ended was because she left him.

The brain scans on the screen weren’t enough to stop her mind from going elsewhere. Her day was slow, no surgeries booked so the only way she could distract herself was from a few consults. It wasn’t enough.

The door to the room opened, and she was no longer alone. “Hey! I’ve been looking all over for you!” The voice came from Maggie, who sat down in the chair beside her.

Amelia’s eyes were still staring ahead at the computer screen, a brain scan taking over the monitor. “Did something happen? Winston said—“

“Look,—“ Amelia sighed, turning the chair so it was facing her, a sigh falling out of her mouth. “I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m just— going to finish this consult and pick up Scout from daycare and go home.”

“Amelia-“ Maggie’s voice was soft. Somehow Maggie could always read her, always knew something was wrong; mind you, she wasn’t hiding it well.

“I’m fine.” She forced a small smile on her face. “I’m okay. I’m pushing through.”

She gave in, accepting the fact that Amelia wasn’t going to talk. “Okay, well. If you need anything, I am here.” When she stood, she placed a hand on Amelia’s shoulder for comfort. Amelia nodded, giving her a genuine smile before Maggie turned to leave the room.

She wished her mind was as quiet as the room was.

When Maggie left, Link was slipping past her to enter the room. He stopped in his tracks when his eyes landed on her. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave.”

“No— I’m just leaving.” She spun the chair around, so her back was facing him. If she looked him in the eyes, he’d see right through her. He always did.

He was scowling; pouting. His arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrows pushed together. He was angry; maybe not as angry as she was though. She wondered when he became so arrogant, she barely even recognized him. He used to be kind, someone that always said the right thing, always knew how to calm her down.

“Amelia, I’m sorry, what I said was—“

“Out of line.” She interrupted, her eyes not looking up. “But it’s cool, Link. You said what you said, the damage is done.” Standing up from the chair, her eyes landed on his, blue eyes sad.

He didn’t respond though, instead he kept his arms crossed over his chest and had an angry look on his face. So instead, she headed to the door and pulled it open before turning to look at him. “I meant it when I said I loved you. Did you?”

“Of course I did, Amelia.”

“Just not enough, I guess.” And that’s when his face softened, went from angry to sad. You could see the guilt hit him, wash away all of his features and his body was no longer tense.

“I’m picking up Scout from daycare.” And she didn’t let him respond, she barely even let him process everything before she was exiting the room, closing the door shut behind her.

—

Scout was being fussy, rubbing his eyes with his palms and letting out loud wails. He was sleeping when she picked him up from daycare, and he wasn’t happy to be woken up. He cried the whole way to the attendings lounge, his rosy cheeks stained with salty tears.

“Mama.” He would mumble while she buckled him into his stroller, his eyelids falling closed before seconds later he was sleeping, drool dripping out of his mouth.

She smiled, her heart warm and she leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to his forehead.

She sat in a chair, Scout facing her and she was about to stand up before she felt a warm breath tickle the side of her face. Their scent was recognizable and when their teeth gently glazed across her ear, it sent a tingle down her spine and it caused her breath to hitch in her throat.

“Close your eyes.” Their voice was barely above a whisper.

She obeyed, her eyes falling shut before she could feel Kai’s breath hit against her ear. “It’s a summer night. You’re standing on a beach on a island just west of California. The sand is still warm and it’s soft. So soft you can feel it between your toes.”

One of Kai’s hands tucked a piece of Amelia’s hair behind her ear. “There’s a cool breeze and the sky is orange. It reflects off the water and it’s quiet. The sound of waves crashing on the shore. It’s peaceful. A type of peace you dream of.”

Then, Kai’s lips were kissing below her ear and it caused Amelia to let out a quiet groan, her head falling back to give Kai more room.

Amelia turned to face them, her hands reaching for their belt loops before she was pulling them between her legs. Kai’s hand ran along her jawline before stopping at the base of her neck, giving it a gentle squeeze while their lips connected. Kai’s tongue ran along the bottom of Amelia’s lip, their other arm running down Amelia’s body to stop at her waist.

She wanted more. She craved more, and finally her mind was quiet. Their kiss grew more passionate and Amelia was tugging on Kai’s waist to try and get them to be closer to her. It felt like she was on fire, or like electricity was running through her. The longer the kiss lasted, the more she wanted it to keep going.

For a brief moment, Kai pulled away, their lips only inches away from hers. “Your son is here.”

“He’s asleep.” Amelia breathed against Kai’s lips, her hands resting along their jawline and pulling them back to her to connect their lips once more. Amelia stood from her chair, pushing Kai towards a wall until their back hit it. Her hands tangled in their hair, Kai’s hands gripping at her sides.

Then, Kai pulled away again, fully this time and Amelia let out a whine. “I have a plane to catch.” They winked, a smirk pulling at their lips. Tease.

Amelia leaned forward again, her lips pressing against theirs. It felt so good to kiss them, and she didn’t want to stop. “Stay.” She whispered, her voice full of desperation.

“I’ll see you next week.” Kai said once their lips left hers, before they made their way over to the door.

Her flight got in late, after midnight, and she expected Kai to already be sound asleep. Kai left the door unlocked for her so she let herself in.

Kai’s scent filled her nose and there was already a mug of hot tea sitting on the kitchen table as well as a bouquet of flowers sitting in a vase. There was a note attached to the bouquet and it had “Shepherd. xo Just because.” along with a handwritten heart next to it.

It felt like her face was going to crack because of how hard she was smiling and her stomach was filled with the butterfly feeling, like the they make me so nervous and oh my god, I like them so much feeling.

Her hands gripped onto the warm mug and moved herself into Kai’s bedroom, who was sitting at their office desk, laptop opened and they had one leg crossed underneath them. “Flowers?” Amelia asked.

“You had a long flight.” Kai answered, eyes glancing over at her before they leaned up to press a gentle kiss to her lips.

“Thank you.” She smiled, her dimple deepening into her cheek. “And for the tea.”

Amelia lowered herself onto the beds, covering herself in the blankets before she pulled the mug up to her lips. “What are you working on?”

“Just some stuff from the lab,” They answered. “Everything I left to last minute, you know, the boring stuff.”

“Have you taken a break?” Amelia asked.

“For a bit,” They hadn’t looked up from the computer screen. “Trying to get it all done before David puts in his two cents.”

“It’s late, worry about it tomorrow.” Amelia flipped the duvet cover to make room for them to join.

But they stayed focused on their work, their tall figure slouching over the screen before they’d let out a sigh and stretch out their body. “Kai,” Amelia said softly. “Come to bed.”

“Soon.” Was all they replied with, their fingers reaching across the keyboard to type out a lengthly email.

It was nearing two am and all Amelia wanted to do was finish her tea and crawl into bed with them. Her flight got in so late because of a five hour layover in California and she was exhausted.

“Kai,” Amelia said, letting out a whine. “Come cuddle with me.”

That drew Kai’s attention away from the laptop and they were spinning the office chair to face Amelia who was sat in the bed facing them. “Please. It’s what I’ve been looking forward to all day.” Sighing, Kai gave in, turning back to their computer for a brief moment to save their work and shut the laptop down.

“When did you become so needy, Shepherd?” They asked once they were getting into the bed next to her, pulling the blankets up so that it was covering the both of them.

“Since I realized that you give the best cuddles.” It only took a few seconds for them to get comfortable, Amelia’s laying on their chest with her head resting in the crook of their neck, one of her arms wrapped tightly around their waist.

Their fingertips delicately ran up and down the length of Amelia’s arm, and they were pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her head. It was quiet in the room, so quiet that Amelia could hear their heartbeat beat against their chest and she could hear their lungs expand everytime they took a breath.

“God,” Amelia mumbled, her entire body wrapping around theirs. “I could stay like this forever.”

         They were in the same Chemistry class, Kai one row in front of her and the shared glances and eye contact was never enough for one them to put on a brave face and introduce themselves; formally. Instead, Kai would find themselves glancing over at Amelia throughout the class, a smirk always playing at their lips and they would always make sure to look away before Amelia would notice.

         There was always a feeling that would form everytime Amelia would catch their glances, or whenever they’d smile at her, her heart would skip a beat and her stomach would do flips. Maybe not literally but she definitely felt like she’d have to catch her breath.

        They had mutual friends, but silence was always shared between the two. She’d see them standing in a circle with their friends and she’d always find her eyes searching theirs.

        Amelia would see them leaving a counselling session, wearing a buttoned up top with the sleeves folded up to their elbows, their bag swung over their shoulder. Or they’d sit in a chair two down from hers while they both waited for a counselling appointment.

        Or she’d see them a table down from her in the school cafeteria, like she would always be able to point them out in a crowd. Her eyes always seemed to find their way back to them, eyes automatically searching for the familiar face. And their eyes would give her a look, a look that was easy to miss but enough to make her cheeks get hot.

        And that’s all they were to her, a stranger with an attractive face. And the only type of relationship she had with them was eye contact across crowded rooms, and subtle smiles when crossing paths at the counsellors.

        It was now senior year. No communication between the two for the entire year and Amelia was always finding herself searching the hallways for them, or when she’d attend her weekly counselling appointment, she’d always show up early and hang around there late in hopes to run into them again.

       Their paths never seemed to be crossing and they weren’t in any of her classes this year. A missed opportunity, she thinks.

       But it’s near senior prom and there’s a house party that she attends.

       She wore a black leather jacket with a pair of skin tight dark blue jeans, the black tshirt underneath only slightly showing her stomach. She had hoop earrings in with two long necklaces that fell to the middle of her chest and her hair came down to the middle of her back, the ends waved.

        A mixed drink in hand being pulled up to her mouth, with a random man she met that night hanging off of her arm. The bass of the music vibrated the whole house, so much you could feel it in your entire body. There was flashing coloured lights, strobe lights and even a DJ. Familiar faces passed by and some would stop to talk to her.

       A far too familiar face stopped, a drink in their hand.

       “Amelia Shepherd,” They stated, a lustful look in their eyes, a smirk forcing its way across their face. “Correct?”

       “Correct.” She nodded, her feet below her freezing in place. It felt like her knees were weak. “And it’s Kai Bartley, right?”

       “Also correct.” Then her bottom lip was being chewed on by her teeth, a feeling of nervousness circling her stomach.

       They wore a dark red flannel with a tshirt of some rock band printed across the front, and they had a black snapback on. They had earrings lining up both ears and they wore a pair of high waisted black pants.

       “Didn’t think you had a clue who I was.” Amelia admitted, her eyes trailing up and down their body. They were much taller than her, almost an entire foot and their smile made her feel a way that she craved, a feeling she wants to feel forever.

       “Of course,” they started. “Had to figure out the name behind the pretty face.”

        And Amelia was sure they could see her cheeks go red.

        Kai’s eyes adverted to the man. A man they have seen around the school before and he was running a hand up and down her back, occasionally gripping onto her ass and giving it a squeeze. “I see that someone else has beaten me to it.”

       “Well,” Amelia said, her body pulling away from the boy. “It’s a good thing I’m not interested.”

       “So it’s mutual?” They smirked.

        “Mutual?” She muttered back, her cheeks going red and Kai could see right through her, could see how flustered she was. The way her voice stammered and her cheeks only getting darker and darker. The way her blue eyes were looking everywhere but their eyes, like they made her nervous. “Uh—“

       “So, was I just imagining you getting nervous every time I saw you or were you coincidentally waiting around at the counsellors for me?” Kai grinned, their hand gently brushing against her own, a look in their eyes. And Amelia’s knees were growing weaker and eye contact was almost impossible for her to maintain. Was she that obvious?

        “I-I, never-“ Amelia stuttered, a feeling growing in her stomach and her palms were clammy. “I never waited. Must be a coincidence.” She lied.

        “Ah.” Kai nodded, an obvious, I don’t believe you, look on their face. “Well, I guess I got my hopes up.”

        She wasn’t sure if it was the booze she drank that made her feel the way she did or if it was because the way they looked at her made her feel a way she had never felt before. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears and her hands were trembling so much that her grip on the red solo cup was loose. The cup was being brought up to her lips and she finished the rest of the drink in one swallow, Kai reaching to grab the empty cup out of her her hand. “Another drink?” They questioned, an eyebrow raised and before she could reply they were already pouring her a drink.

__

         The house party was growing by the hour, getting so crammed that it was almost shoulder to shoulder and the couch that they sat on was full. Although, the spaces available on the couch were so tight, someone still squeezed his way into a spot beside Amelia. He was so close, so close that she had to move over and her thigh was pressed against Kai’s.

        “Amelia Shepherd!” The man beside her yelled over the bass of the music, an arm being thrown around her shoulder. “Fancy seeing you here.”

         Conversation between the two faded, and not because they got bored but because a hand was being placed on Amelia’s knee, slowly trailing up her thigh. “It’s pretty crammed here, why don’t we go somewhere with less people?” Kai whispered against her ear, their fingers tightening around her thigh.

         And before Amelia could form proper words, she was standing after them, their hand reaching behind to grab hers. They guided her up the stairs probably because she drank so much that she wasn’t sure what stair was real and which one wasn’t. Her mind was fuzzy but the grip on Kai’s hand never loosened.

         Before they could make their way into a different area of the house, Amelia pulled onto their hand enough to make them stop in their tracks to turn to face her.

       “This might be the alcohol talking… but,” before Amelia could finish, Kai was pushing her against the wall. Hands trailing up and down her body, stopping at her chest before running down to her waist.

       “This also might be the alcohol,” Kai spoke against her lips, teeth grazing against Amelia’s bottom lip. “Do you want to stop?” They whispered, Amelia’s hands tugging on their waist.

        “No.” She said quickly, almost too quickly but her breath was rapid, clammy hands exploring their body. “No, never stop.”          And then their hands were running along her inner thighs, slowly trailing up to the centre which caused a desperate whine to slip through her slightly parted lips. Amelia was forcefully pulling the flannel off of their body, tugging on the neck of their shirt to try and get them closer, as if their bodies weren’t already pressed against each others. Their hands trailed up towards her torso, fingers delicately running against her bare skin that was exposed above her waistline. The feeling sent a tingle down her spine, throughout her whole body and Amelia was letting her hands falling down to their waistline, fingers unzipping their pants. It was like her hands had a mind of their own. 

         Their hands continued to run along her skin just above her waist, before they were going underneath her shirt towards her breasts. “Kai, we should-” but she was interrupted because their hands were toying with the clip on the back of her bra, a teasing look in their eyes before their lips were connecting again. 

        Their hands grabbed ahold of her thighs, hoisting her up so her legs were wrapped tightly around their waist and her back was pressed against the wall. “You’re so flustered, Shepherd.” Kai said after pulling away for a moment, before diving down to press kisses on the base of her neck.

        “I’ve noticed how nervous I make you,” the said softly, their breath hitting her neck. “You make it so obvious.”

        “Kai,” she mumbled, a moan forcefully falling out of her mouth. “We should,” another moan was slipping out, her head falling back. “we should go somewhere else. We’re-- we’re in the middle of the hallway.”         “Hmm,” they hummed against her neck, kissing so hard and Amelia felt like she was on cloud freaking nine. “I’m sure we could find a bedroom.”

There was a spot that Link wanted to bring her, a clearing in the bush that overlooked the city and the ocean. Breathtaking, he swears. He had packed a basket, full of their favorite snacks, he even brought a blanket for them to lay out on the ground. A grand gesture that Amelia was oddly shocked by, their usual interactions being less intimate and romantic. 

This date included a hike. A long drive and a hike into the bush, up a hidden, narrow and rocky trail. Most people would miss the trail completely, it was covered by branches and bushes and Link tries to convince her that he’s the only person who knows about it, but she knows that’s a reach. 

“Couldn’t we have gone somewhere else?” Amelia panted, running her hand across her forehead, beads of sweat coming out of her pores. It was a summer evening, Seattle going through a heat wave and she didn’t dress according to the weather. “Like, somewhere with lower elevation?” 

“It’s not that much further.” Link answered, moving branches out of the way, making sure to hold onto them while Amelia walked by so that they didn’t swing back to hit her. “It’s barely a hike.” 

But you feel like divin’ in

Oh, I don’t know how to stop

I feel it in me and I never wanna not

Who’s gonna break the tension baby? I kinda like the tension

Maybe we could lie here and just not say it forever and ever

And ever and ever

The view was not what she was expecting, it made her stop in her tracks and take a moment to look at her surroundings. “Woahhhh,” She muttered quickly under her breath.

Once they reached the end of the trail, there was a clearing and there was a cliff that dropped off and it overlooked the city of Seattle. You could see the ocean, you could see everything for miles, and Link was right, it was, in fact, breath taking. The blanket was laid out onto the ground, and inside the basket had-- of course, doughnuts, along with chocolate covered strawberries and sandwiches. 

“We made it in time to watch the sunset.” 

Hands are movin’ closer, arms are on my shoulder

Don’t wanna cross the line where the mystery fades

Fallin’ for a stranger, strangers into lovers

Then before you know it we’re comfortable, what then?

Her head was resting in his lap, a half eaten chocolate strawberry in hand and Link was trying to figure out what was more beautiful; the view or her. The view was in no doubt, beautiful, made him believe that the world was made by an artist. This was his comfort place. A place he used to go to when he needed a place to cool down, to clear his head, to breathe-- to just be in peace. There was nobody around, it was quiet, only the sound of natural wilderness, the sounds of leaves and branches moving from the breeze. No traffic noise, no city noise, nobody else. Even though the view was that beautiful and that important to him, he found his eyes on her instead. The feelings he feels towards her don’t come around often, not often at all because this is something he had always avoided. 

The sun was starting to set, the sky painted in different shades of oranges and pinks, the ripples in the ocean reflecting it back. There was a golden glow in the air, and Amelia’s eyes looked green. 

“You’ve really outdone yourself. How am I going to top this? You would have won me over just with the picnic basket.” Her eyes were on his now, her gaze never shifting. “But this view-- I think I’m a little bit in love.”

“I even melted the chocolate myself.” It caused a soft laugh to fall out of her lips, a sparkle in her eyes and he wasn’t sure if he liked her better when her eyes were blue or green.

Who’s gonna break the tension, baby? I kinda like the tension

Maybe we lie here and just not say it forever and ever 

And ever and ever

They were standing now, admiring their surroundings. The sun was almost fully set, the night sky peaking it’s way in, stars starting to dot the sky. The city lights and traffic lights lighting up the world, and just when they thought it couldn’t get any quieter, it in fact, did. The birds stopped chirping, the wind slowed down, nature wasn’t so busy. Her eyes were closed. Neither of them were talking, the two of them admiring the view, the quiet-- the peace. 

He found his hand reaching out for hers, his fingertips brushing on the back of her hand. It caused her eyelids to flutter open, her attention being drawn away from the peace to their hands. His hand grabbed hers, their fingertips lacing together and there was a smile on her face. Not her usual smiles, this smile was warm. It was comforting. It was a smile that made you feel safe. There was a softness in her eyes.

Her free hand was reaching up to rest along his jawline before their lips were connecting, Link’s free hand snaked around her waist to tug her hips closer to his. Their hands unraveled from each other’s and hers was running to the back of his neck, her fingers toying with the ends of his hair. His free hand was tugging on the belt loop of her pants, with a gentle tug and it caused Amelia’s fingers to gently tug on his hair.

They both pulled away at the same time, their eyes immediately finding each others and her forehead was resting on his. “Thank you.” Her voice was soft and it was the first time in a while both of them weren’t stressed, there was no worries and they just wanted to stay here all night, enjoying each others company.

“It’s getting dark,” Link’s breath was softly hitting her face and their hands were intertwining. “We should head back.”

“Can we stay for just a minute longer?”

Who’s gonna break the tension, baby? I kinda like the tension

Maybe we lie here and just not say it forever and ever 

And ever and ever

Forever and ever and ever, ever and ever and ever

They were sitting now, she was in between in legs, her back pressed against his chest. His arms were securely wrapped around her, her head resting in the crook of his neck. Link could smell her shampoo, it was a mix of vanilla and maybe—- coconut?

His lips were pressing a gentle kiss to the side of her head, his grip around her body tightening and he was pulling her closer into his body as if she wasn’t already close enough. “So about that thing you said, about being in love.”

It was like a wave ran through her, her body went cold and her knees grew weak. Everyone around her was muffled, and it felt like her head was spinning. This day never got easier for her, no matter how many years have passed.

She couldn’t feel anything, it was like her body went numb. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears, it was loud.

Now she was in an on-call room, her eyes swimming in a puddle of tears but she wasn’t going to let them spill out, not yet. She was pacing back and fourth, her hands making tight fists before she’d loosen them, only to form tight fists again. So tight that her fingernails would dig into her palms.

Her eyes were looking up at the ceiling, a deep inhale through her nose and an exhale out through her mouth. She needed to compose herself, take deep breaths, calm her mind. Because she was thinking back to the night on Meredith’s deck, a bag of Oxycontin gripped tight between her fingers. She was close that night, losing everything she had worked so hard for, just to go back to square one. This was grief; and sometimes it was harder than most.

She wasn’t expecting this: her mind racing a million miles a minute, her fingers gripped tightly at her sides, thinking about all of the ways she could stop feeling this way (the same way she used to make herself feel better before.) She thought after so many years she’d be okay, that she could look into the eyes of someone else and truly tell them she was okay and she would also believe it herself.

But she was wrong. Because if she was okay she shouldn’t be standing in an empty on-call room, her chest tightening with pain and her ears ringing. It felt she was reliving the moment all over again.

She barely noticed when the door opened, or when the familiar voice spoke up. Her mind loud and her ears buzzing.

“Hey,” Link. “What’s wrong?” His voice was calm, soft; laced with concern. The concern was written on his face, a sad look in his eyes and his eyebrows were pushed together.

“How did you find me?” Her voice was hoarse; raspy and she refused to look into his eyes.

“Jo,” he started. “She said you looked upset.”

“I’m—“ she choked back her tears, clearing her throat before she fixed her posture, straightening her back and letting her fists fall.

“I’m fine.” Link could see right through her, he knew her enough, he knew her so well and she was in fact, not okay.

“What can I do?” He asked, taking a step closer to the girl who looked like she was going to break down in a puddle of tears. Her hands were trembling at her sides and her thumb nails were picking at the skin around her fingertips.

“Derek died.” Everything seemed so familiar. “It’s the anniversary of his death.”

Link understood, Amelia’s talked to him about her brother enough times. He knew everything, he knew how dark her mind goes when it comes to him and he knows that she has the tendency to want to risk it all; her sobriety and all.

“Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.” He was stepping in front of her, her sad blue eyes meeting his concerned blue ones. “Anything.”

“Can we just sit for a minute?” She asked softly, a strand of hair falling in front of her face.

So that’s what they did. His hands were reaching for her trembling ones, their fingers intertwining and they were sitting on the bed next to each other.

This was the most they’ve spoken to each other in months, after the proposal; he left. They broke up. Co-parenting being their only type of relationship.

Link always knew how to calm her down.

He always knew what to say and he always showed up.

She let her head fall to rest on his shoulder, the smell of her shampoo entering his nose and he could feel her body shaking with cries. Her cheeks were wet with salty tears and her grip on Link’s hands were tightening.

            She didn’t talk to her family, didn’t call, didn’t visit, Derek was the only exception and even then, they didn’t communicate as much as she would have hoped. Usually she calls her mom, keeping in touch as much as she could but the resentment and pain she has still lingered, since her own mom left her alone on her wedding day. Her big day, one of the most important days of her life and her mom refused to go despite her own daughter begging for her to attend. It was unbearable pain, a pain that wasn’t worth for her to continue to put herself through so instead she found her true family, her friends back in Los Angeles and her sisters, her children and her nieces and nephew. Amelia was content, her sisters words that used to haunt her no longer lingered in the back of her head because she knew she was better than the Amelia that her family decided to create.

             At least that’s what she thought; being content and happy. She realized she was mistaken when a chill was being sent down her spine, a shiver that made goosebumps form on her arms, enough to make the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

             “Kathleen?” Amelia breathed, her sister was stood outside the front door, the other sister standing not too far behind. “Nancy?”

             “Amelia? Where have you been?” Nancy turned so she was facing Amelia and both girls had disgusted looks on their face, a look that was so familiar to her.

              “I live in Seattle, I have since Derek gave me this job,” she started, a confused look on her face and her sisters were giving it back, probably because there was a toddler in her arms and he was propped up on her hip. “What are you doing here?”

               “We talked to Meredith,” Kathleen stated. “We’re here to visit her and the kids.” They might as well just stabbed her right in the chest and twisted, because she felt something in her chest, pain; they weren’t there to see her. Amelia shouldn’t be surprised though, she didn’t visit either.

                So instead of making it a big deal, not allowing to show that it bothered her, she stepped aside to allow her two sisters into the house. After all, it was Meredith’s house, not hers. The part that Amelia dreaded was that Meredith wasn’t here yet, the kids had just been getting off of school, so in the entire house it was her, Link and their baby; a baby they had no idea she had. “I didn’t know Meredith had another one.” And there was a light in Nancy’s eyes, some kind of love and affection that was beaming through her facial features, a finger being lifted to brush softly across the toddler’s face.

                “She didn’t,” Link had come around the corner, thankfully he noticed that they showed up; her cruel sisters that he had met once, not ever wanting to be caught in another situation with them. But here he was, standing behind Amelia, a hand brushing softly across her lower back. “This is Scout. Ours.”

                 The love and affection that had previously been coming through her eyes was replaced with disappointment, and there was a shudder that came from Kathleen. “You had a secret baby?”

                 She brushes off their reactions, trying not to let it phase her because that part of her life was over; the part where she let her sisters control how she feels about herself. “This is Scout, he’s a year now,”

                “Does Mom know?” Nancy asked, her eyes wide, similar to Link’s although he was shocked for opposite reasons. “How could you keep this from us? We’re family.”

                 Amelia’s eyes were rolling and she was irritated. “You guys lost the privilege of knowing what goes on in my life when mom chose not to come to my wedding and the last time I tried to visit you, I was humiliated.”

                Nancy’s arms were being crossed in front of her chest, her eyebrow raised and she was glancing at Link, a nod in his direction. “You’ve managed not to scare him off. Aren’t we all surprised? After all, he might just be the best one yet.”

                This time Link rolled his eyes, his body was tense from behind her and Amelia knew he was forcing himself from speaking up. “Forget it,” Amelia hummed, passing Scout off to Link and she was making her way to the kitchen. This conversation was over because she decided it was.

               “So, Scout?” Nancy asked, now suddenly both of them had an interest in meeting her son; their nephew. Amelia doesn’t care though, she didn’t love them the same way she loved Maggie, or Meredith, she never loved them the same way she loved Derek. To her, they were just people she grew up with, people she knew, biology is utter crap and they weren’t her sisters, not to her at least.

              Once Meredith arrives, she’ll let her take the matter into her own hands considering they weren’t there for her and they most definitely weren’t there for Scout. They were there for Meredith. “I’ve gotta say, I’m surprised with you, Amy.” 

               “It’s Amelia.” She corrected Nancy, which resulted in the older sister waving her hand off in dismissal, her attention only drawn to the baby and Link, who was being friendly as always. She wishes she was more like him, was able to put up with this kind of shit. There was a sound of a car engine coming closer before it came to a stop, meaning Meredith and the kids were home. This meant she could wander, go somewhere else in the house to hide because frankly, seeing her sisters was the last thing on her list to do for the day. 

             He looked so calm and peaceful, and his sandy brown hair was messy, pieces of it falling in front of his closed eyes. The day before, Scout refused to go to school because he didn’t want to, and his excuse would be because daddy wasn’t here, and that was all he would say when Amelia would ask why. It took her to promise him that he could join her at work for the day if it meant he would go to school, so today, as she promised, it was bring your kid to work day.

              “Angel,” Amelia whispered softly, sitting up from the bed and sitting up, her back against the head board. “Scout.” She said a bit louder this time, a free hand brushing through his hair.

               His long eyes lashes revealed his deep blue eyes, matching Amelia’s, (she likes to think he has her eye color, even though Link would disagree saying they both had blue eyes) and he was letting out a huff, before stretching his body out. “Good morning, angel.” She saw Link in him so much, and no matter how many people said they saw her in him as well, all she could see was a mini Link and it made her heart flutter everytime.

                “As I promised, you’ll be coming to work with me today,” she said, the corners of her lips curling into a soft smile. “But we have to get ready.”

                 There was excitement all of his face and it was like he forgot why he was so sad the previous night, because he was already jumping—-literally jumping out of bed. He squealed out a yay and was already running to his bedroom to try and find himself some clothes, even though Amelia knew she’d soon have to go and help him because the clothes he’d be pick would be awful.

                After the two of them finished getting ready for their day, they both stood facing the mirror and Scout was standing on a stool because otherwise he would have barely reached the sink. (His height is definitely from her.) Scout pulled out his own toothbrush and mirrored his mom, the two of them brushing their teeth and Scout was messy, but at least he was doing it. There was toothpaste all over his face and it was running down his hands and he wasn’t exactly clean when he was spitting it into the sink. He made sure to match his mom, brushing his teeth for the same amount of time as she did before they had to leave.

               She gave him the run down on the way to work, saying he had to be on his best behaviour because she was working and that sometimes her job can be busy. She’s never had an issue with Scout misbehaving but sometimes, his energy, especially when he’s excited, can be high and around patients she needed him to know that he had to be good.

               She didn’t have any surgeries scheduled today, she made sure that her day was light, a couple consults and follow-up on post-ops. Scout was going to be her lefthand, assisting her whenever she needed, or at least she was going to let him think he was helping her.

              He wore a white coat, Link’s to be specific, and he was drowning in it. It came down past his knees and the sleeves were longer than his own arms but Scout insisted he continued to wear it because it was his dad’s.

              He came with her on rounds, and she allowed him to carry around the tablet, it being too big for him to carry with one hand. They were stopped in between patients because nurses and other doctors would stop them, introducing themselves and because some would just squeal and talk about how cute he was.

              There was a consult in the pit that she got paged to, and she brought him along. He was no longer carrying the tablet, instead he put both hands in the front coat (very large) pockets because his mom had her hands in her coat pockets and he wanted to be like her.

             “What do we got?” Amelia asked, pulling the curtain open to reveal a patient on the table, a few scratches and bruises covering his body and Meredith was there, giving a consult as well.

             “MVC,” Meredith started, pulling her blue gloves off of her hands. “Has a head lac.” Turning around, she bent down to get eye level with Scout before he was giggling and throwing his arms around her neck.

             “Auntie Mer!” He was yelling now, excitement flooding his face. Amelia was examining the patient, using her flashlight to check his pupils.

             “It just looks like a mild concussion, but order a head CT to rule out any bleeding, just in case.” She told the nurse, her hand was put back into her pocket along with her small flashlight.

             “Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln,” Meredith nodded, a smile pulling at her face because the look of her nephew in an oversized white coat was too cute. Meredith could see Link in him, as well, but he had some of Amelia’s qualities.

             “He looks so much like Link,” Meredith commented before she stood up, facing Amelia. “He’s got your smile though.”

             Scout went to stand next to his mom, matching her posture, (trying to) with arms crossed over his chest, just like she was. Amelia looked down at him while Scout was looking between the two, happiness radiating from him. “He’s definitely going to be a heartbreaker.” Amelia joked, causing a chuckle to come from Meredith.

            “Mommy let me come to work with her today, instead of school!” He was cheering, his smile reaching his eyes.

             “Well, I think you’re going to have a lot of fun here!” Meredith replied, her smile was warm and her eyes met Amelia’s. They were both thinking the same thing; if only Derek were here to see this.

             After they shared their goodbyes, they were leaving the emergency room and making their way to the attendings lounge, because she needed a coffee. Upon entering, Scout was talking about her job as if he was a doctor, saying that he was the best worker in the whole building, better than her, too. In the attendings lounge they were met up with Bailey, Webber and Jo, who squealed and immediately stood from her seat.

             “Oh ..my ...god,” Jo said, pulling out her phone to take a picture. “He’s a mini Link!” Bailey and Webber adverted their eyes from each other, to look over at Scout who was smiling for the camera, the smile taking over his face and one arm of the jacket falling off of his shoulder.

              Pouring herself a coffee, she also grabbed one of the doughnuts that were provided and handed it to Scout, who looked like he had just won the lottery. “Someone is one lucky guy.” Bailey spoke up, walking over to the three of them. “I’m Miranda—Dr. Bailey.” She held her hand out as a casual greeting, as Scout’s small hand grabbed her and they were shaking hands.

               “I’m Scout!” He introduced himself, as if nobody in the building knew him. “Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln!!”

               “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Dr. Shepherd-Lincoln.” Bailey was laughing, Scout gently shaking her hand. He was making his way around the room, going up to each person to show them the flashlight he borrowed from Amelia, and showing off his jacket.

                She was watching him in awe, he was perfect. She never imagined her life with kids, but now she can’t imagine her life without him. It was crazy to her that it was possible for her— anyone, to love someone this much. Sometimes she could feel all of her love in her entire body, she just wanted to hug him so tightly and never let him go. He is her entire world.

               “Alright, well,” Amelia was heading towards the door. “We’ve got work to do.”

_____

                It was her lunch break, Link made sure to call at least twice today because he wanted to talk to Scout and he wanted to remind Amelia that he loved her. The two of them had rounded on her post-up patients, Scout putting a smile on all of her patients faces. For most of her patients, Scout would try and repeat whatever his mom was telling them although he failed because he couldn’t pronounce half of the words; nor did he understand. Amelia ended up finding a second flashlight and she let Scout hold onto it, shining it into peoples eyes at the same time she did it, pretending he knew what he was looking for. 

              At the table sat her and Scout, as well as Meredith and Maggie. Scout was telling Maggie about her day, and the sleeve of the jacket was getting into the ketchup and fries that was on his plate, and she’ll made a mental note to wash it before Link saw it. “Baby, let’s take Daddy’s jacket off before it gets dirty.” She was reaching over now, pulling the jacket off of both of his arms and placed it in her lap where it will be safe.

              Link called just before he had gone into surgery, mentioning that Jo had sent him the photos of Scout earlier and he made sure to tell Scout that the jacket looked better on him than it did on himself. So now, Scout was telling everyone that the jacket was no longer Link’s but that it was his. He told Maggie about how he looked into everyone’s eyes and how he helped her treat a patient (even though he didn’t), and he also told her that he was the best doctor in the whole entire world. 

             Before she had a chance to finish her lunch, her pager was going off and she was being paged to a surgery, her now light day not being so light. “I’m being paged to OR 3,” she was standing from her chair. “Okay, Scout, you’re going to have to stay with Aunt Maggie just for a bit because I’m needed somewhere and you can’t come with me.” She was glancing over at Maggie now. “That’s okay, right?