#ambz entry

Otherwise with the other guy, I liked him and then I hung out with Talyn and it just turned it all off for me. Like I just don't even care about anyone else, I like Talyn so fucking much that I just wanna look at his face and kiss him and all that super fun cutesy relationshipy type stuff. But I haven't talked to him about it yet. I was gonna bring it up one night and it wasn't right and I got really anxious and didn't do it, just left. He talks to me every day and I respond but we only talk for a little bit before I stop responding, and I haven't seen him in a couple weeks now. So I think I'll just message him and say I didn't mean to get distant but I didn't know how to bring up the fact that I'm just not into it and I don't want anything sexual or romantic with him, I just need to do it. Maybe tomorrow after work, I hate leaving him hanging so much.

Okay so it's not a big deal but for me it is because I'm kind of dying?? Not really but mentally. So I've had the worst luck at romance and love since Connor and I broke up like three years ago and ever since I've felt like I just can't connect with people right, I feel dull and I feel like life is just a bit less colorful than it used to be. It's like I have feelings but they're empty and I just couldn't really care less about anything anymore. BUT a couple weeks ago I was out with my friends and my mom and we were playing darts and these three guys came over and asked if they could play with us, so we all teamed up and played and it was a good time. One of the boys, Jacob, was really cute and very funny and was just vibing with his pals and it was a fun time, got my snapchat before we left and it was exciting. Fast forward to the next weekend and we all meet up and hang out and eventually him and I cuddle in his bed and make out and I really really like kissing him, I can tell he's passionate and sweet and gentle but also aggressive and it matches my energy so well. He laughs at my stupid jokes and we always giggle about everything. He doesn't out on a front, he's just himself in every situation. We've been talking every day for a couple weeks now and he's so down to earth and fun and artistic and deep and it's really something to learn things about him, I like him a lot and I'm excited to see if things will go anywhere.

Ok. Here's the thing. So, at my place of employment, there's this guy. He doesn't work in my department but hell come and talk to me throughout the day because I work at my counter alone and it gets lonely. He's INSANELY attractive and very nice and easy to talk to, a real stand up gentleman. It felt like he was flirting with me and obviously I would flirt with him, and it all felt like middle school crushes and shit all over again. I had butterflies, silly cute dreams about him, giggly times talking about him with my friends, the whole deal. I wanted to tell him I liked him but something made it not happen and I decided it wasn't meant to happen so I never did. And then, I was hanging with a co-worker and asked her about him, and she said he has a girlfriend. That was the tricky part because he has NO social media so I can't do my normal stalking to find anything out, it's super annoying. But anyway, within the last week we had a silly conversation about awful Christmas music and it was an all day conversation type thing, it was fun. Well, I get home and I'm just straight chillin on my couch when I get a notification that he added me on snapchat and I LOST MY FUCKING MARBLES. My heart was racing, I was freaking out and texting my roommate like "I'm so confused and I don't know how to feel and the butterflies are back and what the fuck is going on" and we messaged each other all night long. That was three days ago, and we've been messaging every day so far..... I don't know if he still has a girlfriend but today we were talking about golfing and he invited me to go with him and his friends sometimes. My thing is, I'm down to be friends! He's hot as fuck and we never run out of things to talk about, we have the same humor and I feel like I can be myself around him, so being friends would be easy! But I don't know what his intentions are and I don't want to be weird or anything, it just feels like if he did have a girlfriend, why would he be messaging me every day constantly? I'm just confused.

So the other thing is, I'm lost. Like, if it came down to it where Talyn was actually into me (I literally have had the fattest crush on him for SO LONG. SINCE THE PANDEMIC STARTED OK) and obviously Jacob is into me I just don't know. I really like Jacob and he's different from almost every guy I've met and usually my thing is, I focus on things that I know will end up annoying me or causing me to lose any sort of feelings I could potentially have for someone, even just something stupid like a sound they make or things they say, whatever. But everything he does I just find endearing and I adore him already without there really being anything there, it's different and I haven't felt something like this for anyone since Connor. We sat in my car when I was dropping him off at home and made out and talked for an hour before he went inside, and that hasn't happened since Connor. It feels like a good opportunity and a door opening, but at the same time I feel like it could be like that with Talyn too, once I get to know him more and if it comes down to that. And obviously I'm not in any position at this point in time to be thinking like this because it's ALL new with both of them and there's nothing solid happening, but I'm nervous there's gonna have to be a decision between two people that could be the next big thing in my life. Fuck. And the other thing is that Talyn makes me feel these crazy good nervous things and I haven't felt those for anyone since Connor either, but I could easily just be so enamoured by him and his attractiveness that I could be overlooking other things that normally I'd notice right off the bat. So at my current place I want to pursue Jacob, because I can picture myself being very happy with him, but I don't want Talyn to pursue anything with me then because I KNOW it'll fuck with my head too much. Idk. Like I said, it's early and I'm just worrying about nothing for no reason I'm just being a virgo but fuck dude, I've never had to deal with two people being into me and me being into both of them! Ugh.