#alwaysconfused

As i sit here enrolled in college, working, living near my family and some of my greatest friends… (like i’ve told myself I’ve always wanted).. i wonder why i still feel unfulfilled? yes i have friends, yes i have a good family, yes i have experienced a lot of new places and things, yes i am happy.. yet i still feel so unsure of what i want. Is it a man? Do i need a man to make me happy to keep me feeling fulfilled?  i would say yes if i believed that was the truth but i can’t bring myself to say that.. I don’t believe i want a man nor do i need one.. although i do crave sexual attention from time to time, and i don’t believe there is anything so wrong with that. I feel that i am lacking creativity.. the drive i once had to explore the world and meet new people, to be the best version of myself its as if i have convinced myself that nothing is worth the pain and agony anymore.. the hard work or the dedication. i want what i don’t have until i have it then its the next thing i want and so forth. i believe i am stuck so far in my comfort zone i don’t even know how to get out. yeah yeah i can blame it on not having enough money.. sure. but god knows how much money I’ve made over the years and how little of it has actually gone to paying bills. is the problem that i am an alcoholic? or is it that i don’t understand the balance of life.. life can’t be one big party forever… but can it be? i see people out there who seem to be enjoying life having cocktails constantly on the go with friends EXPERIENCING life and not instantly regretting their decisions. is that the false image that social media puts out there? or is that just what people say to make themselves feel better? is it that i am surrounding myself with the wrong people? not the go getters or the spontaneous ones? but the scared and comfortable ones. Im starting to believe that when i say that. I am confident enough to admit that i am always coming up with new ideas, new places to see, new things to experience… but my ideas are constantly shut down or brushed under the rug by the people i wish to share them with. is that the problem in itself? that i need to learn independence… independence away from my mother, my father, family and friends. learn to do things because I want to not wait until others are ready. It is so hard when you are so loved and supported. its hard to walk away from that and give it up to be scared and homesick again but if you don’t how are you going to live a life of your own with your own experiences? i remember why i so badly wanted to be single in my past relationship and that was because i was so so ready to start living my life for me… and almost a year later i still am yet to do that. Its time to cut the bullshit and really start making my dreams a reality. i will not be lazy anymore i will not give up and let life and depression get the best of me. I will no longer put myself down for the decisions i make and i will remember why i made them. i am 22 years old and i am ready to experience life.