#alwaysayes

Last year, I decided that instead of making a bunch of resolutions, I was going to pray and get a word from God for the year, and that word would be my focus. I got a phrase instead, "Making New." It was definitely a year of new. I went to India by myself and reconciled with my ex-husband. All of this was God's doing, even when I was reluctant. This year, I was given "Pursue." I don't know exactly what it means, but I want to pursue the Lord. 

Tonight, I started a new Bible study, "Gideon" by Priscilla Shirer. She is my favorite devotional author. I found myself so excited to be in God's presence that at times I had to re-read sentences so I could actually understand what was being said. Week One, Day One was about the Israelites getting in their own way which, in turn, kept them from experiencing all God had for them. I thought to myself, "What idiots!" But then a voice inside my head said, "Well, aren't you doing the same thing?"

Guilty. About a year ago, I told God out loud that I would never tell Him "No." About a week later, He replied, "But will you tell me yes?" So, I told God I would never tell Him "No," and I would always tell Him "Yes." This, of course, led me halfway around the world by myself where I cried every day wondering why He led me that far to feel so alone. Looking back, I think part of it was to see if I would really say "Yes." I also think that I wouldn't have gone through getting back together with Dan if I hadn't gone to India. It was preparation because when I got back I told my mom, "I've been to India and back by myself. I can do anything." Little did I know what God would ask of me.

Fast forward to today, and Dan and I have been remarried for a month. HOW GOOD IS MY GOD!?!?! Words cannot express how thankful and incredibly blessed I am to have Dan back in my life and better than ever. The Lord brought Dan back to Himself, his family, and most unexpectedly, me. 

I don't want this to be the end of my story though. When I think about the Lord, I can't help but either smile or cry (sometimes both). I can't believe God loves me that much. I want to pursue Him with all my heart, but I don't know exactly how. What gets in my way is my fear of what God is going to ask of me. It was the same a year ago and look what happened. I want to be right where God wants to use me. The only problem is that I have an unsettled feeling in my gut, like change is coming. I'm not opposed to change; I just want to see it coming so I can adjust. Silly, Kristen. I should know by now this is where faith steps in.