#alpha review

SUMMARY: “But, the issue had arisen during your nights when he filtered into your dreams. Nights of imagining him taking you in the pews,laying you out on the dark woodtostrip you bare to his whims.
When you focused back into the Father, you felt your blush travel up to your ears. The thoughts would only offer more confessions, and you didn’t want to add in more sins you had to confess.
“We are all sinners,” Father Ford said.

Enjoy the sacrilege, you damn heathen

Priest Ford AU where he's aware of what he can do and he does it.”

PREGAME: Happy Easter my fellow alphas!!!!! My partner requested this one and I thought it would be silly if I was a bit sacreligious on this holiday because I kinda hate it 😎😎😎 not because of like the religious shit itself but like because the rabbit shit doesn’t compute in my brain and also because of how my family celebrates good ole Easter but what can you do. I’m not catholic, but I was raised pretty non-denominational Christian and I haven’t been to church since I was 10 so like I know nothing about this shit. I’ll take most of my knowledge from watching midnight mass so like if it’s insanely inaccurate to how this catholic shit goes then that’s not on me that’s on the author, who describes themself as “catholicphobic.” Also I only read this twice instead of my usual five times before reviewing so sorry if the review sucks ass that’s just the alpha way though.

REVIEW: When I was younger I desperately wanted to learn latin. I watched this Wes Anderson movie called Rushmore (it was an earlier one so it wasn’t filled with the crazy aesthetics he has now) and I was in love with the idea of taking Latin and going to a Latin club and reviving an almost dead language. It drove me mad and I would try to teach myself Latin with google translate (because duolingo and sites like that weren’t really a thing) and I learned all about the etymology of words in the English language and I was obsessed with it and I would tell everyone what the root of certain words was and it annoyed the shit out of people (especially my sister). Anyways the point of all this is that Latin is not sexy. And it never will be sexy to me. And I don’t know why I was so fucking hung up on the mention of latin because like there aren’t even any latin words in this fic!!!!! It just mentions it!!!! So moral of the story don’t be me. This is pretty well written though bro. The author succeeds with constructing a kinda like repentance vibe in the first few sentences. Like it feels like there’s nothing else to be written besides priest porn. Like that’s the end goal. Even if there wasn’t priest porn in it I would get the vibes of priest porn like just read the first few sentences l think Aw man this’ll either be some good religious horror novel or some killer priest porn. And I respect the hell out of that bro like it got the tone down bro. And like the porn itself is pretty well written like man I’m bewildered that the tone just fit so well bro like I don’t get it I’m baffled bro this is insane!!!!!! Like the porn was so well written bro it has tone and emotion to it you don’t get usually bro trust me. Anyways my partner said they were really into this fic and I gotta support them on that it was well written even if I find the father thing kinda silly but like I don’t know I’ve never tried it. Also priests are silly and I couldn’t see Ford into religion like characterization wise buuut I’m putting the mischaracterization aside because it’s just made for people who want to get off to priest ford pines and I gotta respect that. So if you’re into ford pines and you’re into priest shit this fine Easter Sunday then do some sacrilegious shit and read this fic

RATING: 6/8 fingers (BETA MALE STATUS)

Happy Easter and Ramadan and Passover and death anniversary of Margaret Thatcher my alphas 😎😎💪💪🔥🔥🔥

SUMMARY: “Agent Stone has taken it upon himself to keep watch for the missing Doctor Robotnik. Meanwhile, on the Mushroom Planet, the Doctor stumbles on a most novel way to contact his former assistant to coordinate his return to Earth.”

[NOTE: Still going through my drafts and I found this gem from early December. I still agree with everything I’ve said and I suggest listening to The Pleasure Principle by Gary Numan while reading the fanfic if you ever get the chance.]

PREGAME: I read this fanfic during a time where I was so sick that it was hard to get out of bed so all I could do was lay in bed in the dark and binge-read fanfics. So I have many reviews to write, but so little motivation since as an alpha I have better things to do, like play fallout and think about my partner, (very important things). This fanfic wasn’t a very promising one from the naked eye, especially since it was an unfinished fanfic that was last updated in august of 2020. But at the time i first read it, I was desperate. I had seen it around before, but seeing the tags “butt plug” and “teleportation” right next to eachother didn’t feel right to me. But alas, the tags, “Dubious Science,” “Morse Code,” and “Anal Play” piqued my interest, once I had nothing else to read so I got through it.

REVIEW: Upon first glance, you wouldn’t think that this is the best fanfic you’ve read in your life, but it might be the case this time. This fanfic plays into the absurdity of the concept to a T, and it’s beautiful. The author has this skill of being able to beautifully describe the struggle that Stone goes through emotionally, while also making sure the comedic bits don’t alienate the audience or seem too much like a random change in tone. This has to be one of my favorite things I’ve ever read man. Like I don’t know what I’ve been doing with my life until I read this. Before this I was just a regular man reading regular fanfictions by regular people who like piss and tildes. But now, I am a man who has read a fanfic by a person who has written more fanfictions about PRO WRESTLING than the amount of years I’ve known how to read. It bewilders me. My life will never be the same. The egg shaped vibrating buttplug has changed me. The characterization of Agent Stone and Eggman is just beautiful. His process of elimination to find out that Robotnik is communicating with him via vibrating butt plug in Morse code is fucking insane but you’re with him on the ride and you know what the answer is but you want the explanation, the buildup, AND YOU GET ALL OF THAT AND MORE??? Making Stone a loser nerd who got the fucking Morse code badge in Boy Scouts is genius because the man is literally the type and he has less than 20 minutes of screen time. This makes me understand him more than I ever had. It’s like that one ofmd fanfic about izzy hands being into petplay but also made me want to analyze the character and write an essay on the depth of the character. It’s that but like more because it’s better written. This is beautiful. It should be in the Louvre bro trust me. Seeing Stone recognize a distress signal from the vibrations in his ass is a sight to see trust me bro. Also this author dude is working in healthcare and I respect them more than anything hopefully they’re doing well on this fine day. Read this please.

RATING: 7.8/8 dubious scientific processes (alpha male ranking)

SUMMARY: “What if Beatty didn't get the reports made about Montag's poetry reading? Five times Montag quoted a book and one time Beatty finished it.”

PREGAME: I hate Ray Bradbury with every inch of my skin and every bone in my body. Every breath I breathe is to hate this man for creating the works I have been TORTURED WITH and HAUNTED BY in every year of my existence. However, tonight I was inspired and I wanted to read a fanfic about the short story of Bradbury’s I’ve read the most, “A Sound of Thunder,” however there were barely any (one of which was just the story itself and the rest were either inspired or retellings of it), so I took to the most popular work of Bradbury’s, Fahrenheit 451. I didn’t really like F451, I thought it had good concepts but they weren’t explored upon enough for me, it just felt too short. With Bradbury’s works I always want more from the world and the story, I want to know more about the characters and the setting but like I never get to do it’s dissatisfying and not in a cool contemplative way but in a way that makes reading his works feel rushed. However, I do respect his creation of Captian Beatty, one of my favorite literary villains (or even characters) of all time. I still feel like his arc was unfinished but I like leaving it up to interpretation for F451. So the interpretation of the character, and him being all knowledgeable about books and philosophy was so interesting and it never says why so fanfiction is the obviously best route for this as a nice character analysis. There is a type of villain I always enjoy that Captain Beatty goes into, same with Caesar from FNV so hey maybe there should be a crossover fic for that too. Fahrenheit: New Vegas coming soon. Anyways this was the first fic i saw and the five + one format is always a mixed bag for me so it could go any way.

REVIEW: it was cute. The average 5+1 fic can be described as that for me. It was an interesting interpretation of the characters and story as well. The background as to why Beatty quoted literature to Montag is because he used to read books as escapism after the death of a loved one and that’s pretty interesting. It’s not my personal interpretation of Beatty at all, but it worked well in the story so I liked it. In this, they made it so firemen were dropping from the job like flies because they felt like burning books wasn’t too bad, and they even brought up a common question I had, like why people were allowed to read scripts for the shows but not for Shakespeare. And Beatty’s justification for that was more for himself than for the society, so this did feel more warm than book, it had a happy ending for the society and made it change instead of the actual ending where it just gets bombed and that’s pretty cool. Montag just divorces Millie which is what I needed as well. It’s just like a feel good fic for people who wanted to see more Beatty moments I guess. I liked it but the ended fell a bit flat. There isn’t much to say about this it’s cute and sweet but the ending was just meh

BEST LINE: Montag looked up from his hand and chuckled disparagingly. "Feel free not to respond, it'd be an accomplishment to be able to tell the men I struck Captain Beatty mute with my marital issues.“

RATING: 4/8 divorce papers (delta male status)

SUMMARY: "The Doctor stops by to visit you for your birthday. You haven't seen each other in a while, so you decide to ask questions to catch up with him. When a certain question pops up, The Doctor leaves the apartment and goes to his TARDIS. You follow him to see what he's doing, and what you see totally catches you by surprise!"

PREGAME: I know barely anything about doctor who but I trust my partner's taste in fanfics. Also I was reading two things at once while reading this one so if my mind isn't in the right place then I apologize. (alpha behavior moment) and also I might review the rest of the works in IzabellaStarkey's "The Doctors Desire" series that this fanfic is apart of.

REVIEW: It's pretty okay. What I didn't get was how fast it happened, like there was no real build-up to the porn, just one second the doctor was at the door and then he ran back out to the tardis (out of nowhere) and then you followed him and then he was jacking off??? and then you go back and he's back and you fuck. Maybe I'm a bit of a boring guy but I prefer more of a cohesive timeline before the people have sex. It just seemed like the author didn't know how to naturally segway from the accidental catching of the dude jacking off to the two having sex. Also the overuse of the tilde symbol is a bit silly, maybe its because it takes me back to my old undertale days, but it just turns me off of any work if not used efficiently. Also the line, "He placed the head of his cock at your vaginal entrance," was very silly I couldn't help but do a littl ehehehhe silly moment on that. The best part of the fanfic was the nipple play shit that was pretty well written, but it was unfortunately sullied by the vaginal entrance. But no hate to anyone who likes it, it's just not big on my vibes bro

BEST LINE: "He placed the head of his cock at your vaginal entrance,"

RATING: 3/8 golf balls (gamma male status)

FANDOM: Team Fortress 2

SHIP: Medic + Soldier (but could be read as platonic or romantic)

RATING: General Audiences

SUMMARY: medic pretends to be annoyed.

REVIEW + NOTES: I am sick as shit and all I want to do is play TF2 but I should be doing other shit and going to my pc to play the game is hell because I’m constantly having to pause to blow my nose or cough or chug a gallon of water or piss and it’s not efficient. I just played a class wars match with my friend and called it a day. So then I was like Aw shit the last time I was sick I read a shit ton of stobotnik fan fiction like I read almost every single piece on ao3 so why not read some TF2 fics to quell the urge to play it. So yeah. I don’t personally have any big opinions on ships because I haven’t gotten too far in the comics BUT I adore soldier he is my favorite but I suck at playing him and I main heavy so the only way I can pay tribute to him is to draw him nonstop and read about him falling in love I guess. There’s like no soldier centered fics out there though bro I’m grasping at straws IT IS LIKE ALL MEDIC COME ON!!!! I love medic but soldier is so silly and awesome and relatable. Anyways this one is only 600 words it’s very short and sweet and I fucking love it SOLIDER IS SO FUCKING SILLY IM GOING TO EXPLODE JUST READ IT READ IT I LOVE SOLDIER JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO PISS SO FUCKING BAD BUT IT HURTS TO BREAFHE I JSUT WANT TO PLAY TF2 MANNNN anyways I love this fic soldier is silly medic is silly I adore presidentbungus now?????? The writing just has so much flavor I feel like I’m eating like the worlds most delicious Turkey burger I fucking love Turkey burgers literally my only complaint is that this isn’t longer!!!!! I need to read this dude’s other works they’re a fucking visionary

FAVORITE LINE(S): “How many bites?” “Um,” Soldier says. “Four! Nine. Wait. Six hundred. No, f—“

RATING: 7 out of 8 tissue boxes I have used this week

(ALPHA MALE RATING!!!!)

FANDOM: Club Penguin

SHIP: Gary the Gadget Guy + Reader

RATING: E

SUMMARY: “Reader is an high-ranking agent for the EPF. They also have a big fat crush on their boss, Gary the Gadget Guy. You know what happens.

Dont read this you will regret it im serious”

REVIEW + NOTES: initially I was going to do a big review on this but I didn’t have too many things to say about it. My partner was recently on a club penguin bender and we played it together a bit ago and I was inspired to read this because they’re on a trip right now and I miss them. They said that Gary the gadget guy reminded them of me so I took this in stride. It’s not terribly written, but I couldn’t imagine penguins doing this shit so I tried to just think that they’re human dudes but then it would talk about specific penguin anatomy and that ruined my vibe. But like it wasn’t terribly written and I’m used to the weird bird anatomy descriptions because of OK KO fanfiction that I have yet to make a review for. Also fair warning it says that it has gender neutral pronouns (which it does) but it like kinda insinuates female genitalia but doesn’t outright say it and I don’t know if it’s just talking about penguin genitalia because I know nothing about penguin biology. But like it isn’t too badly written it’s just weird but I had to finish the fic for like principal or something and I did so yay. Grammar wise it isn’t too bad but sometimes the sentences are clunky and the vibe gets thrown off. Also the part where the reader spaced out while Gary rambled about his gadgets is so unrealistic I space out a shit ton but I don’t when my partner goes on epic sexy rambles explaining shit I love it when they do that!!! real alphas listen intently!!!!!

FAVORITE LINE: with every thrust, you manage to moan out. "Fuck.. Gary.." (Gary is an objectively unmoanable name. It’s not hot to be named Gary at all.)

RATING: 3 out of 8 boxes to move

Gamma male ranking

FANDOM: Infinity Train

SHIP: Min-Gi + Ryan

RATING: T

SUMMARY: "Ryan collects so many scars growing up. Min envies them.”

REVIEW + NOTES: Despite being a soulmate au, I loved this one. Like I usually dislike soulmate aus but this one avoided all of my pet peeves and made the soulmate identifier work perfectly in the story and added some fun world building to it too in a very natural way. I love the writing of the friendship between Min and Ryan and the characterization went pretty hard as well. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it was beautifully written from Min's perspective. It also didn't make homophobia a big aspect which was wonderful because whenever writers put homophobia in soulmate aus I always wonder how can same sex couples be labeled as unnatural when the mystical universe thing is making them exist. This one made an actual realistic conflict related to the soulmate identifiers that works perfectly for the characters without being internalized homophobia, something that is a very common conflict in Infinity Train fics (which I don't hate, but with the context of a soulmate au it's nice to see a change).l I need to review more rymin fics because I read a bunch in 2021 and I need to get back into it because most are pretty well written! Also there was this one where Ryan came into a sock filled with eggs and it was like this college modern au that was fucking insane and I think it got deleted but I don’t know so if I find it again I’ll do a big review of it for sure because I read it while doing the laundry and listening to the B-52’s and it got like melded into my mind for eternity

FAVORITE LINE: "He'd recognize that handwriting at any age, the terrible chicken scratch that wrote out the lyrics to the set list he was going to perform at their later gig."

RATING: 6.5 out of 8 cupcake crumbs on shitty motel beds

Beta male ranking but like high beta