I've decided I care. And I'm sitting here wondering why I didn't before and why I do now? I can't cry, I'm thinking of how I could have cancer, and I just can't. I've gone for so long not caring and trying to ignore the figments of my mind that seem so damn impossible, that I've actually done it! When am I supposed to realize the worst? When I've decided I want to, but then I can't? I really thought I could go through life without wondering about death, pretending I wouldn't care if I died or when. It wasn't pretentious, it was what I wanted. What I want now, but I find myself caring. And fuck, I don't like it. I don't want to be all woe is me if I find out I have such an illness or anything like that, I wanna not give a fuck and accept it.