#aloneanddeppressed

So another Christmas has come and gone. Just waiting for the end of the year. It amuses me to think about the holidays as an adult. As a kid it is time off of school and new toys and lots of food. It is a time that you have to see all the relatives and you stuff you face with good food and sweets. So you know without too many hang-ups or problematic relatives as kids the holidays are fun, festive, and full of food. 

As an adult everything changes. It is to be expected and is not something I come into blindly. But I am in one of those in between places when it comes to the relatives during the holidays. I am 31 and childless. I am not married and I don’t live in a place that can host many people. So I am always the one that travels to the holiday meals. I am always one of the ones that brings a side dish or dessert. I also work at a minimum wage job for not enough money. So working with the fact that I don't have to provide a Christmas for any small kids I am don't really have much money to buy gifts for others.

This year was no different. We had a small dinner for Christmas. Not at the lake house like we did for Thanksgiving. Which I am kind of happy about. Thanksgiving and Christmas are too close together. It is never a good thing having to deal with all of the relatives and extended family for two months in a row. I think it would be better for most people if there was more time in between the two. 

So I was able to get a little bit of money and buy a few things for the kids this year. I was even able to buy small gifts for the cousins. It makes me happy to be able to do that. I was happy to see them open the gifts after the meal. I think I did good in my choices too. So yea me. But because I am in the position I am in. An only child, my mom died two years ago, and no kids of my own. I don't actually have Christmas. I buy small things for the young kids if I am able, but I don't get anything. This is not the first year like that. I think it is been closer to five or so years. I am here for the meals and the day but when it comes to family giving gifts I am lucky if I get one maybe two things from other people.

I am not complaining. I am not whining that I don't get anything and what not. I don't expect anything. More often then not I cannot afford to get anyone else anything. I just find it an interesting place that I find myself in. I know it is just how things are drawn at the moment. It can change if I start a relationship with someone or beyond most thought but maybe not all conceivable possibilities start a family then it would be different. But right now I am the one that watches everyone else open up gifts. 

This year I told Jenn I would take her to Ulta and buy here some stuff. I wanted her to also help me find some things too. I don’t use make-up and I am not very confident on the way it works but I wanted to try and find something that would work for me. So I am going to take her shopping and get her to give me some suggestions. But that is not really the same

I just wanted to get the thoughts out so I don't keep thinking them and they don't start running around my head and make me feel shitty. I just really don't like the holidays these days. I am all for being with family and being around people that you love but for me most part the last handful of years the holidays in general suck.