#almostoutofhere

Alright hello world. 

My friend Kayleen and I smoked before we went to this mediocre, “breakfast at night time” event... It was so horrible to watch. 

Let me remind you kindly, WE ARE IN COLLEGE. 

People are running around dancing, in a tiny cafeteria, like we were catholic schools kids. (Sorry allusion to my own personal life) 

But this was a college held event. A Johnson and Wales event. I mean I am sorry but this school...

BLOWS>>>>>>>> anything I have ever experienced. 

People are dancing and acting like this midnight breakfast party was the most fun they have ever experienced before. I mean really it makes me really upset. 

I just do not see how or why people like it here. I have tried to understand. Have tried to take myself out of the small town and squish my life into an even smaller one, like this school. 

I see people walking around always laughing and hanging out with eachother but I just don’t understand it. I feel like I need more than what this school offers. I need more than what I am doing here everyday . I am tired of doing nothing. I am tired of sitting here waiting for life to pickup. 

....  Because it never does. 

I gave it 1 month, then jumped into 5. 

The biggest regrets I have about coming here are that:

A.) I was tired of traveling. I have seen too many things outside this Western Civilization we live in. It takes a lot out of you going to different countries and seeing how other people live. Looking at kids with no shoes. Whole families living in a mud hut. Watching the boys in the street play with a hawk with a string tied around it’s neck because that’s “custom”. It is the biggest slap in the face. The biggest “wake up, your not in Kansas anymore” feelings.

When you go on a service trip or volunteer shit of any kind you experience a set of changes that truly end up changing you. 

1. You are in shock. You change the way you watch in hopes that you’ll blend in. 

2. You are in shock and are scared. You don’t know how to react to life anymore, so you remain on the outside of it. Looking at whoever your helping in a way that you can gain empathy. 

3. You feel lost. You feel alone. You see the way other people live and it makes you feel hopeless. You feel confused and see the deepest realities of the world. 

There is always going to be rich and poor. You were lucky to be born as a, in this circumstance, “wealthy” citizen, within the bounds of the U.S. 

4. Do I deserve to be there? 

5. Why can’t we all be there?

This one may be only for me, so  please excuse yourself. 

6. Feeling a massive amount of guilt for everything. The place I live, the clothes I wear, the white teeth in my mouth, the bus I had to take to school. Anything and everything  I have just experienced this huge tugging weight of guilt. 

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The other day, one of the only closest people to me here, told me that every action I take is out of guilt. The people I hang out with, the way I introduce myself, the people I talk to. 

The irony in this, is that, he was telling me all these different actions but we met and started talking based on these same circumstances. 

basically begging to ask myself, WHAT THE FUCK. 

Filled with confusion over this matter once again. I began to think of everything I have done in life and honestly besides the service trip explanation for my “actions always being filled with guilt”, the only other thing I can think about is my mom.

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