#allyshit

One time, he flipped me over his shoulder spontaneously. I told him I didn’t like that. He was about to defend himself. But then she paused and said, “ok, sorry.” 

And it just occurred to me that the reason he listened to me, is because other men in a martial art’s setting have reinforced the idea of when someone doesn’t want to “fight” then don’t fight.” Not because me, as a person gave direction on how I would like to interact.

And when you’re naked with a man, then all bets are off. Because you willingly got naked. And he will look to other men in his rolodex-head who have enforced ideas like, “well you guys started to do it, sooo....” and “well she got there on her own, sooooo....” They don’t look to the person. 

In both cases you’re not a person.

I feel like men go to martial arts to feel safe around other men. And women go to martial arts because men listen to them. But really men are trying to show other men that they can listen to other men.

“Oh you’re being consensual? Oh yeah, same here buddy.”

“You know, Jo Blow? Yeah, he’s a good guy.” 

Trust me. This is why I find some allyship kind of fake. Because you’re just trying to prove to your fellow caste members that you are “good.” And can follow the trend. You don’t actually care about the other group. 

“Oh, we’re treating people well? Oh yeah same.” It’s another way of belonging(s) among the dominant group. 

For example, if sexism only impacted non-white women then it wouldn’t get as much traction. 

This is the beauty and horror of intersectionality. 

If other men, that a man wants to be like, are endorsing something, that man will act like they endorse that thing too. The target audience for that man’s endorsement is other men for belonging and that man will advertise their endorsement to women for cooperation. But if other men you needed something from didn’t endorse it, or if those men changed their stance, that man wouldn’t stand up to them, because belonging to men is more important than cooperating with a woman (a group men don’t see themselves belonging to, and a group that you don’t want to belong to because of the way many men view them). (Belonging btw is different from identify with). That man’s priority is to gain membership with men by taking their direction, not the direction of women. Levels of cooperation with women are byproducts of whatever it takes to get approval from men you like. 

The patriarchy: A man’s first love, and third parent. Even when they seem to be listening to you. They are really asking themselves, “what does he think?” and then they think of their favourite man.

Obviously not all men. Jesus.

Notes:

Belonging meaning: when they sink I sink. When they swim, I swim. Their interests are my interests. Their hearts effect my heart. When they look upon me poorly, it matters. It materially and metaphorically impacts my substantive and spiritual outcomes. We have green umbrellas. If their green umbrella is destroyed in a pit of hell, I have to help them get it. I know them now as someone I share my umbrella with.