07/30/2019 It’s a dark day. After a bright night the darkness called upon me. It’s hard to believe once again I was out of my mind and for half an hour I could let myself die to reborn as new. Such a great feeling is this mix of warm heart and madness. Should I worry for the energy spent to get here? There’s any chance I could fall again? It’s been a couple of hours since I started tripping and shaken with all these information in my head, I definitely had forgotten how hard and complex I can be when I’m just sober and drowning myself in this black hole that pushes me into the center of the void. The void is me. This clouded and foggy morning was the closest good representation of my own mind after all that happened. The mix of joy and despair still here, even if I can’t remember all that happened I can still feel the pain for my own judgment and for a brief moment I remembered all the things that I didn’t.. and even if I had opened my eyes, what if... The effects are not gone, and I hope I can survive another day. It’s not a fight to understand the world anymore, but a struggle to prove that I can do it. Prove to myself.  Now the pain is gone, but the feeling.. Like a woodpecker hitting the wood until the hole is open. Like a wound, that opens and never heal. My heart breaks for each hit from this anxiety, it pumps blood and I lose sight, it hits the chest and I look around. I wonder how my last days are going to be, and I really hope for better days than this.
