I saw all my theatre kids today for the last time before im gona for 3 months :( BUT AT LEAST I GOT TO SEE THEM I LOVE THEM I LOVE BEING THEATRE MOM

single & ready to pokemon hunt with cute girls

all my life, i have never felt good enough. from my moms constant criticism of my voice to the kids who told me i’d never succeed, ive always felt… less. even through high school, when i found things i was confident in, i had people telling me how bad i was. how much work the thing i’d just written needed. how my vocabulary is NEVER substantial enough. how id never get the role i desperately wanted. ive heard it all, spoken and unspoken. even thinking im a good friend gets stepped on by most i care about. ive been laughed at for loving too much, bullied for being me, suffered through months of anonymous torture. only recently have i felt decent enough to actually pursue a career in what i want. im scared. ive always been scared. when i was little, all i wanted to do was sing and act. i wanted to be a star. people told me it was impossible. when i hit middle school, all i wanted to do was sing. i sent an audition tape to xfactor, posted youtube videos, i never stopped singing. until people forced me to lose my voice. they teased me relentlessly for having dreams, for wanting something more than mediocracy. sure, i still sang in the halls, at home, around my friends. i acted cocky about my voice still. but deep down, i wasnt good enough. people yelling it at you constantly, you begin to pack up your dreams and shove them away. but im a dreamer. so i just latched onto another. id always loved to write. songs, poems, short stories, fanfictions. i used to be able to sit and write for hours. my friends and i would share our stories in 8th grade, build each other up, make us all feel like our writing was good enough. but then i hit high school. i began going to a school where every other kid was better than me. more talented, smarter, better in every way. i shared like i had before, but the responses changed. there was no support, no building up. only harsh criticism, things that broke my little writer heart. i wasnt good enough again. i stopped writing stories. unfinished ideas sit in a vast amount of journals, things i was once proud of, things i once loved. another dream packed away. i lost myself for a while. i got really scared. in fact, im still really lost and really scared. this is recent. this is the past year recent. i have best friends who tear me down. who take the things i love, the things i feel good about, and rake them through the mud. im scared to share. to try. to branch out. i auditioned for the first play ever this year, and i was terrified. remember little me who wanted to act? she had never died, just been packed away like the rest. i got an understudy role, for my first audition! i was so proud of myself. i was happy until it was over and i realized just how unimportant i had been. how annoying i had been. flash forward months later to an in class play. the role i desperately connected with, the role i’d already memorized, the role i felt i had auditioned perfectly for, goes to someone else. now, not only did i feel not good enough, but i also felt incredibly selfish for getting as upset as i did. i had the worst anxiety attack i have ever had that day, and i felt more selfish than anything. another month later and there’s a video tech project for a short film. i write the script, i direct the film, i edit every single part of it. its the only thing ive felt truly proud of in years. i did something that didnt get bashed, didnt get bullied for, something that has, thus far, only received praise. it has almost 500 views in 2 weeks of being on youtube. my teacher thought it was good enough to enter into a film festival, which we did. im happy with 98% of something i did entirely on my own. but im scared. because I’ve found something new i love. and im scared that im still not going to be good enough. ive never been good enough. and im trying really hard this time. already writing new things and looking to ways to further my interest and skill in this new area of screenwriting/filmmaking. but im so scared. the future scares me. not being good enough scares me. i want to be good enough. for once in my life, i want to be good enough.

okay. i am officially saying this. i am bisexual and homoromantic. that is all. goodbye.

me: *craves and needs constant attention and gets anxious when does not receive* also me: whoa, chill, youre fucking annoying, shut the fuck up, chill