#alextra

“Astra,” was all Alex was able to say in reply. There was so much she needed to get out, to hear from Astra, to explain and answer for, but all of it died in her throat when faced with sorrowful, frightened eyes. Instead, she dropped her gaze and stepped inside. She surveyed the room. “Kara here?”

Astra shook her head, “She returned to CatCo. I insisted.” Astra moved aside to let Alex in, not knowing looking unsure.

Alex breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. She was pissed as hell at me last night and I can get mouthy when I’m drunk. I think some time to cool off would be best for both of us.” She tried to laugh off her fight with Kara, but in truth, she hated being at odds with her sister. Between Alex abandoning Astra at Kara’s apartment and making out with her behind Kara’s back, she’d gotten an earful on the flight home the night before. “You’ll be pleased to know she’s very protective of you.” Alex shoved her hands in her pockets.

“I still feel that it should be the other way around. It’s hard to realize she’s grown now. Especially with my memories being jumbled.” She sighed. “I recall more than I did, but the timing is still difficult. It feels like yesterday that I was giving Kara her spy beacon and teaching her constellations.” She didn’t move to sit down, opting to stand awkwardly in the middle of Kara’s living space.

“Jesus, this is ridiculous.” She turned from Astra and flopped on the couch across the room. “Sit down, Astra. We have to talk. I know it’s awkward and you’re hurt and scared. So am I, but we can’t stand in the middle of Kara’s apartment shuffling our feet and avoiding eye contact.” Something had to give, and if Alex had to be the one to push this boulder down the hill, then she’d shove and throw herself in front of it. All she really wanted was to pull Astra into her arms and pretend like none of this had ever happened, but the consequences of her actions were screaming in her head and she had to take action and hope it was enough.

Astra took one of the chairs opposite Alex. She looked across at Alex for a few moments before looking away. “I don’t know where to begin. I loved you though I was...am...married and then you killed me, you brought me back, lied about the nature of our relationship and now...I’m am unsure if I’m really here at all.” She held out a hand and examined it, flexing her hand and then releasing it.

“Well, that’s a helluva summation.” Alex wasn’t sure why she was surprised by Astra’s candor. She’d never had any trouble with the truth before, but Alex’s human nature was unused to having her downfalls laid in front of her so bluntly. “Let’s start at the beginning. I… love you too. Love, Astra, as in present tense. I don’t expect you to return those feelings after everything that happened, but I don’t bring people back from the dead unless I cannot bear the thought of never seeing them again.” She pressed her lips together for a few seconds before words started to spill out again, “Kara’s explained Kryptonian marriages to me and I need you to know that I get it. If me stepping aside is what you need… I’m willing…” she couldn’t finish the sentence.

********

Astra took in the pained expression on Alex’s face at the way she laid out events and frowned. “I was not...I did not intend to be harsh, merely to state what occurred. I’m not saying...” Alex loved her. While her memories were fuzzy, she only recalled that sentiment being expressed by Kara so freely. She closed her eyes for a moment as Alex spoke of not being able to live without her and bringing her back at all costs. It took a moment before Astra was sure Alex wasn’t going to continue her words. She opened her eyes and looked into Alex’s that shone with hurt.

“Brave one…” The nickname slipped out and images of their first meeting flooded her. She’d been intrigued even then. “I do...love you. I know I’m married for this life and beyond. I know it in here…” She gestured to her head. “But I don’t feel it. I don’t feel much of anything except the fact that I love you…”

Astra could see Alex’s eyes filling with tears as she tried to blink them away and Astra watched them spill down cheeks that she could remember being so soft under her fingertips. Alex drew a shuddering breath and looked at the ceiling, blinking faster. “This has to be your decision, Astra. I can’t make it for you. Please.” The pleading in her voice was clear. Alex seemed to give up trying to hide her tears and brought her red-rimmed eyes to meet Astra’s and dug her hands into the upholstery of the sofa. “Please tell me what to do.”

Astra closed her eyes again. Flashes of a life half-lived crossed her mind. Duty. If she could pick out one strain to her life then that was it. If she was allowed a second then it was anger. She didn’t feel angry, but she remembered it consuming her. There were flashes of the love of Kara and even little sparks for Alura in spite of everything. Maybe when everything else was washed away, love was the one thing that remained. She opened her eyes and started across the room. Alex was crying and she wanted that to stop. She wanted to be in her arms. She wanted to be as close to her as possible.

Non’s face flashed before her eyes bringing back moments she realized she has been repressing on purpose. There were few good ones where they worked together, but mostly it was a crushing emptiness. She remembered what she could admit now was jealously seeing Alura and Jor-El being so besotted while she settled for a shared vision. She remembered taking a sort of comfort in a shared sense of anger that she struggled to feel now for a world that was gone and never coming back. It wasn’t enough. It never was, but now she was given a second life where she could have something better. She had to choose it.

Astra wet her lips as she, moved to sit next to Alex. She reached her hand out and waited for Alex to take it before she spoke. “Teach me.”

Alex slid her cool hand into Astra’s warm one. Alex’s breaths continued to come in gasps and Astra thought she could hear Alex’s heart racing. “Teach you? Teach you what, exactly. Biochemistry, I can teach. Alien physiology, tactical analysis, self-defense. Hell, I could even b.s. my way through an astronomy elective…? I…” Her eyes were hopeful. “I…”

Astra moved a little closer. “Teach me how to do this. Teach me what it means to love someone on your world. To...to be with them. To not screw everything up.”

Alex gasped, a choked sob escaping her as her lips curved in a smile even as her body shook. She squeezed Astra’s hand and shook her head. “This? I’ve never done this either, but god I want to try. ” Her fingers curled around Astra’s hand and her thumb caressed the smooth skin.

Astra focused on the feeling of Alex’s thumb moving over her skin, grounding her. “I don’t know what this turns into. I don’t know what it’s supposed to look like. My people acted out of a sense of duty. I don’t know how to love someone. Not like this.” She squeezed Alex’s hand harder. “We didn’t do this on my planet, Alexandra. I don’t know how.” Her voice cracked.

Using Astra’s hand as an anchor, Alex pulled herself against Astra. She faced Astra on the couch and laid their joined hands against her beating heart. Her other hand fits perfectly against Astra’s jawline and she bumped their foreheads together. “We’ll learn together,” Alex whispered.

“The only person I’ve ever loved to the point of self-sacrifice is Kara,” Alex continued. She lifted her head and kissed Astra gently on her crown. Astra felt Alex’s body relax and mold against her. “What I do know,” she continued, now pressing her cheek against Astra’s head and finding a lock of hair to work absently between her fingers, “is that I feel better now, in this moment, touching you, than I have in years of trying to do all the right things. You’re something more than right.”

Astra’s eyes fluttered shut as Alex kissed her forehead. Even if Krypton still stood, she would want this. Thoughts of her home planet flitted out of her mind as Alex pressed against her more fully. Alex was correct. It felt beyond right. She let herself would believe. “You are...astounding.” She turned her head slightly and pressed her lips to Alex’s cheek. It was unimaginably soft beneath her lips. She lingered for long moments before pulling back slightly.

“What happens now?” She smiled slightly as she looked at Alex’s face. Tears stained and a little red, but still overwhelmingly beautiful.

It was all the permission Alex seemed to need. “Now, we fall,” she said cryptically and captured Astra’s lips with her own.

Kara was babbling and scurrying about the apartment, arranging blankets and pillows in the living room and plates and silverware on the kitchen island, dragging Astra by the hand without a second thought. She thought she had a little longer to get everything ready. She stopped as she realized what Astra said.

“Oh, okay. That’s… weird… I guess." Kara gave her aunt an appraising look. She looked tired, deflated. Kara had never seen Astra like this—small and shy and unsure. She had always been so confident, such a leader. It was as though the larger-than-life aunt she had loved so, had been replaced by a stranger. Kara allowed her mind to slow and focused on what the frightened woman before her might need. It was Kara’s turn to be strong. “Astra. What can I do?”

Astra looked around the small apartment. “I… I’d like a shower and then to rest. Maybe we could share a meal?”

Kara could tell that she was holding back, but now wasn’t the time to press. Kara smiled gently. “I’d love that. Follow me." She led Astra down the hallway to the tiny bathroom. “Fresh towels and a washcloth. Feel free to use anything you see. I… didn’t know how long you were staying, so I got you a new toothbrush and hairbrush and some other things I thought you might need. There’s new pajamas on the counter and…” she took a breath when she saw Astra getting overwhelmed. “Sorry." She giggled sweetly. “I get carried away. You can have my room to rest in when you’re done, or you can come see me on the couch." She leaned up and pecked Astra on the cheek. “I missed you, Aunt Astra.”

Astra put an arm tentatively around Kara as though she might slip away. Kara noticed her leaving an opening if the hug was unwanted. When Astra reached out, Kara’s heart swelled. She fell into the embrace.

Astra gave her a small smile. “I missed you as well, Little One, though I know it was...hard in my absence.” Her death.

“You’re here now. That’s what matters." She tucked her forehead against her aunt’s shoulder, as she had when she was a child. She fought back her tears. Astra had always told her not to cry. She sniffed, lifted her head and wiped her eyes. “Get cleaned up. Take as long as you need. I’ll warm up the food as soon as you’re ready to eat.”

Astra brought her other hand around Kara in the familiar embrace and ran her fingers through Kara’s hair like she had when Kara was a child. She smiled sadly down at Kara and kissed her forehead, to complete the ritual. Kara felt warm that she remembered that much, even if she seemed skittish.

“Of course. I’ll be out shortly.” Astra said as she walked toward the bathroom.

Kara texted Alex while she waited for Astra. *Why did you leave? She’s terrified.* *I just thought the two of you would want some time together* Kara was confused by this but decided Astra was enough to deal with without having to handle her guilty, headcase of a sister tonight too. *Alright, see you tomorrow, I guess.* *Sure, Sis. Sleep well.* *Night*

She went about plating up the food and pulling up a mindless, funny, innocuous movie on the television before tucking herself into the couch to wait.

It was almost 45 minutes later before Astra joined her again looking smaller somehow when she was clad in one of Kara’s matching pajama sets. Astra sat down on the opposite end forcing a what Kara thought was supposed to be a smile as she sat. “Thank you. I was able to find everything.”

In silence, finally having gained control of her misplaced energy, Kara rose, gave Astra’s dish of pad thai a quick zap with her heat vision and handed her the heaping plate and a fork. “There’s more where that came from." She knew one plate wouldn’t be enough for either of them. She settled back in her seat with her own plate and gave a twinkling grin as she dug in with relish, giving Astra permission to eat as much as she wanted.

“Thank you.” Astra took a small bite of the food before eating in earnest. It had a mechanical quality that worried Kara, thought worries for Astra’s physical state were eclipsed by Kara’s uncertainty about what came next.

Kara’s mind was racing. She knew they had much to discuss, but she hesitated to ask. She didn’t know what to ask, or how to ask or how much to ask. She was unsure if Astra would be willing to begin the conversation, or if they were destined to share this awkward, quiet camaraderie until Astra felt strong enough to leave her. Would they return to being enemies? Would Astra be angry with her again? Could she forgive Alex? Could Kara? Kara’s years working for Cat had taught her much about reading body language and facial expressions, but this Astra was a mystery to her. She couldn’t decipher the dull fear in her eyes or the deliberate, careful movements or the tentative speech patterns. It was as though she had landed on Earth all over again, ignorant of her surroundings. And if she felt like a stranger in her own home, Astra must feel more like an alien than she ever had. “I... " Kara sighed. “I don’t really know where to start, Astra.”

Astra put her fork down on her plate with a clink, “I am unsure as well. My memories are not...complete. It is hard to determine what’s happened and what are just my own thoughts. I know I was dead and then I wasn’t…” She looked back down at her plate and moved the food around for a moment. “I disappointed you...hurt you and I can’t really remember why.”

Kara sighed again and set her plate aside. To hell with Alex’s demand that she let Astra remember on her own. Kara was going to tell her what she clearly wanted to know. She’d had enough of this unsure, confused version of her formidable aunt. “We hurt each other. We were on opposite sides of a war, Astra. We both wanted to protect this planet. We had… different ideas of exactly how to do that. You were so angry and so was I." Kara smiled. “Mother always said I got my angry streak from you." Kara fell back on an old habit, tearing at her fingernails and avoided eye contact. “I thought I could change you, convince you to join our side, but I ran out of time. Alex said she tried too, but never gave me any details." She looked up and sought out Astra’s eyes. “You put your plan in motion and… Alex did what she had to do." Kara sniffed. “I wasn’t there. If I had been there if I had been faster. If Non hadn’t fought me so fiercely. None of this ever would have happened." Her cuticles became fascinating again.

**********

Astra took what Kara was saying in. It was overwhelming and foreign in the same way that everything was since she left Alex’s side. She was quiet for a moment, trying to remember the details of why she hadn’t been on Kara’s side. “I only remember pieces. I...I know why I wanted to save Krypton and I can’t help but think I was right as it’s gone now, but I don’t know what I was choosing on this planet or why. I don’t think I wanted to fight anymore…” Parts of the night came back to her. “Alex told me my heart wasn’t in the fight and I don’t think she was wrong. I was...glad that it was over—that we wouldn’t be fighting anymore. I just…” She held onto the plate tightly. “I remember everything as facts, but they don’t add up. Only a few of them have any feelings attached, I feel like I’m reading my life from a data cube.” She clenched her jaw. “I...love you. I can feel that and I can’t see why I did anything else. I don’t blame you for anything. I just don’t know who I am.” The plate shattered in her hands. “Alexandra told me I was married and I can’t even remember his face.”

Kara sprang into action, gathering the remnants of the plate and with a burst of superspeed it was as though it had never happened. When Kara sat back down, she was closer to Astra, clasping her hands. “Then we start over. You will remember, Astra, I promise. I can’t say I’m thrilled at the idea of you rejoining Non, but…” she clenched her teeth. “He is your husband and I will pay him the respect Yuda demands." She gave the hands cradled in hers a squeeze. “As for the rest, it’s in the past and I think we can forgive each other and move forward."

Astra felt her heart swell as Kara talked of starting over and giving her a chance to be a family again. She swallowed as she realized that meant doing something about the husband that Kara talked so unenthusiastically about her being reunited with. It made her curious about who he was. She got a flash of some cold feeling but that was it.

Kara kept going with a smile. “And I love you too. We’re family. And whether on Krypton or Earth, family has always been the most important thing in my life."

Kara squeezed her hands again and Astra felt a genuine smile that Kara was willing to forgive her and move on. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m glad to have it and you’ve never needed mine.” She smiled wider as Kara told her she loved her. “I don’t want to fail you this time.”

Kara was quiet for a moment and appeared to be struggling with something. Astra waited with bated breath to hear if there was something other atrocity of something that she’d done wrong.

Kara spoke softer than before, “Try to forgive Alex too, Astra. Please. For me. She was… destroyed by what she did to you. I’ve never seen her like that. She sacrificed so much to bring you back." The tears returned. “I… love you both and it’s important to me that you at least try.”

A slight gasp escaped Astra and a wry laugh escaped her at the irony. She hadn’t made it a minute before they got to something that she would fail her niece in. Her face fell as she took in Kara’s sadness. “I never blamed her for killing me. Before you arrived, I told her that I was glad it was her who had done it.” She pulled her hands away and balled her hands into fists, “But this...what I am now...what she made me think after I woke…” She snapped her mouth closed, realizing she’d said too much. “It was not right.”

Kara’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Made you think… what?" Kara looked at her like she was a pitiful creature. “Whatever it is, Astra, I want to help you.”

Pain showed clearly in Astra’s eyes. “I should not have said that. It…” She sighed. “I believed things to be different than they were. I do not believe that you can help me as there is nothing to be done.” She was married as much as she wished she wasn’t.

“ Aunt Astra…" Kara started but stopped herself. She shook her head and changed the subject. “Tell me what you do remember.”

“About what?” She swallowed. “I remember a lot of things, they’re just...it’s like I know about them rather than experienced them. It’s strange. I remember more of what happened recently than in the past.” She wet her lips. “My memories of Krypton are fuzzy somehow. I can remember what conversations were about, but all of the words are just sounds.”

Kara nodded. “I think that might be an acclimation thing. I lost Kryptonese for months shortly after I moved in with the Danvers. Kal-El insisted I speak English and nobody else spoke Kryptonese, so it just… went away." Kara took Astra’s hand but did not look at her. “It’s strange. It… came back, in pieces. I woke up from a dream one morning speaking entirely in Kryptonese." She chuckled softly. “Alex was ready to have me committed, but I think she just wanted me out of her room, and the house, and her life." Astra squeezed her hand. She knew and felt keenly how much she’d missed of Kara’s childhood and she hated that she wasn’t there for her to be a connection to home.

“Anyway, I was so excited to have it back that I spent an entire weekend teaching the Danvers Kryptonese verb conjugations. To this day, Alex speaks better Kryptonese than Kal-El." She shrugged.

Astra clenched her fist. She hadn’t realized that what she’d lost was her language. She tried to recall a few phrases, but there were a few names here and there she recalled. Nothing more. She felt a pang at how easily Kara spoke of her sister. Alexandra spoke more of her tongue at this point than she did. “Alexandra is very intelligent and your cousin never struck me as such.” She thought for a moment. “He stranded a bus on top of a mountain once when he first began. It took him longer to acclimate than it took you.” She smiled as she was able to bring those facts up.

Kara took a deep breath looking like she was having some sort of internal debate. “Astra, you’ve spent more time with Alex during your recovery than anyone else. Is there some reason you don’t want to talk to me about her? Did you guys argue or something? Every time I’ve brought her up tonight, you’ve changed the subject.”

Astra looked at Kara, “We had an argument just before we arrived here. Before that...we were not arguing.” She fought the juvenile urge to bring her fingertips up to her lips as she remembered the way it had felt to kiss Alex.

Kara stood clearing the remnants of their meal and putting the leftover food away. Kara looked disappointed and Astra felt a stab that she’d let her down somehow. It was a few minutes before Kara spoke again, “I know we’ve haven’t shared much since I was a child. I know you hid a lot from me then and we kept secrets when you turned up in my life again, with your army of our people hell bent on killing me. I know you still see me as your ‘Little One’...” She squeezed her eyes shut and continued. “But I’m not a child anymore and I thought things would be different."

Astra took a breath, wanting to reassure Kara that she knew she wasn’t a child. That she was strong and brave and everything Astra had hoped, but Kara cut her off before she could speak. “I lost you, Aunt Astra. You died. In my arms. And now, thanks to my sister, whose name you can barely utter, you’re sitting in my living room still hiding things. I thought we could be a family, but…" Kara’s voice cracked and disappeared into the kitchen without finishing.

Astra watched as Kara walked into the Kitchen, pausing only a moment before going after her. She couldn’t lose Kara—not now after everything. She found Kara in front of the sink and put a hand on her lower back. “Kara…” She steeled herself. She might lose her niece if she said what happened, but she definitely would if she didn’t try. “I…I knew your sister before I died. We…spoke at length on several occasions. She…fascinated me.” Astra moved back and looked down at her feet. “I didn’t understand why, but I wanted to know things about her. I’d make sure I was in her general area. We would banter… then it was a little more than that.” She tried to remember everything she could and found it coming back easily and in so much more detail than her other memories. “I told her things I hadn’t told anyone and she… kissed me.”

Kara’s jaw dropped. “Kissed? Alex? You?" She looked dazed. “You and Alex… have kissed…”

“Yes.” She kept her eyes lowered. “I did not wish to disclose this fact, but I could not disappoint you again by hiding it. That was what Alexandra and I fought over...I thought we were together and didn’t understand why it was it was some sort of secret...” Her cheeks flushed scarlet in a rare display. She felt ill.

“Oh my god,” Kara said reverently. “You’re in love with her." Kara shook her head. “Well, I can’t say I’m not surprised, but, Astra, there’s something you need to know about human love." She stepped closer and met Astra’s eyes. “Humans love who they love, regardless of matches or compatibility or convenience. Kryptonians have difficulty understanding human love because we’ve spent so many centuries putting compatible pairs together and asking Rao for guidance."

Astra started to pull away, but Kara kept her rooted in place as she continued. “Human love is messy, Astra, but when it’s given and taken freely, it is so very worth it." She cleared her throat. “If my sister has chosen you, it tells me only that you are special enough to have won her heart. She… doesn’t love easily." Kara pulled her into a hug, softer than the one before at the door. It was warm. Everything swirled wildly inside her head. She had expected Kara to be disgusted with her.

Astra bit the inside of her cheek hard to stop her eyes from watering and she only partially succeeded. She let herself cling for long moments as Kara drew her in. “You make it sound so easy.” She pulled back. “How does the way I feel change my circumstances? I don’t remember my husband, but I know that I have one.” She couldn’t remember him, but she remembered how new the way Alex made her feel was. How she wanted to hold onto it because it was like nothing she had ever known.

“I wish I had an answer for you.” Kara shrugged. “Every fibre of my being is telling me to pay Non homage and address him with the respect owed him by his connection to you. It’s practically a biological imperative. But the part of me that grew up watching Eliza and Jeremiah Danvers love each other fiercely, even after he disappeared into the jungle; the part of me that has seen countless friends fall in love, get married, create children together; the part of me that is drawn to someone I can’t have, regardless of their ability to want me in return; that part of me knows that your husband was never chosen for his ability to love you and knows that you deserve so much more than him." Tears pooled in Kara’s eyes.

Astra couldn’t hold back her own tears as Kara spoke of love and the differences between the two worlds. She had always been of Krypton. It was never a question, but now...Krypton hadn’t wanted her and while it was damned for it, she’d been exiled for all time. A part of her figured there was no worse that she could do in the eyes of her people, but another part knows it would be shocking to...what? Divorce. How would she even go about it? It was a small reassurance that she wouldn’t lose Kara, but how could she let Krypton go when she’d clung to its memory for so long? She took a deep breath and remembered spires cascading across the earth with a red sun shining down on them from above. She had always believed Argos city to be the most beautiful sight in the galaxy, so why did a simple metal tower and hazel eyes supersede it in her mind’s eye? “I am tired. I’ve been fighting so long and now...I’m so tired of fighting.”

“Then stop,” Kara said simply. “Let me help you. Let Alex help you." Kara blinked as though she’d just realized something. “She’s freaking out, isn’t she? Alex. Pushing you away, insisting I not know?”

Astra took a deep breath and gave a short nod. She didn’t know what Kara meant, but she if she went back and lived the same way as before...she’d only wind up the same and she couldn’t stand that. She didn’t want another set of green lights to haunt her dreams. She shook her head as Kara talked about Alex, “She didn’t push me away...I...pulled myself away once I learned the truth.” She felt a pang of guilt. “She was distressed…”

Kara clenched her jaw and rolled her eyes. “You’re going to have to push her, Astra. If you back away, she’ll let you go. Alex doesn’t believe she deserves happiness." Kara shrugged. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out her cell phone. “If I know my sister, she’s either still sitting against the wall of my building, emptying her flask, or she’s sitting in the bar on the corner, emptying their Johnny Walker bottle.”

Astra considered for a moment, “Is...do you think she’s alright?” She didn’t want to admit it, but the prospect of going out alone while she was still so weak was daunting.

Kara cocked her head to the side, listening for something that Astra no longer had the ability to hear. Kara smiled. “She’s at Carl’s Place." She looked at Astra. “I told you, the bar on the corner with an endless supply of JW Black. She’ll be on the stool on the far end, nursing a drink and trying not to flirt with the hot bartender."

Astra raised her eyebrows. Something about Alex flirting with another cause her stomach to jump uncomfortably. Kara reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, reassuringly.“She’ll be okay. The bartender will call her a cab. If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll go down there and fly her home.”

Astra nodded, “That. It would make me feel better.” She knew Alex could look after herself, but whether or not she would seemed to be a different matter. “Would you ask her to come by in the morning?” Astra wasn’t sure what she would say, but there was a lot that they had to discuss.

“Yeah, of course." Kara twisted her hands for a second. For a moment, she became the little girl Astra had known so many years ago. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep. I’ll be back in no time." Kara stepped to her aunt and kissed her lightly on the cheek. “I love you." She was gone for a split second and returned in full Supergirl regalia.