This week’s Siesta Key recappé is brought to you by crayons, water-proof phone cases, and your toxic ex. Let’s cut to the feeling!

Nothing says “bold” like strutting through the home of your not-yet-boyfriend’s parents without a bra or pants on. I salute Alyssa for trying this out! I have a feeling Gary may very well be end game for her, and she’s trying to seduce him by way of Alex. Which is so baller! Anyways, you can tell Alyssa is trying desperately to remain calm when she and Alex start discussing the previous evening. Alex won’t shut up about Juliette, and even though what he’s saying is negative, it’s really sus that all of their conversations center around his ex. I mean, Alex does say he “doesn’t ever want to go back there” (meaning Juliette), but I have a feeling the producers intentionally included that clip as a little clue called foreshadowing!

Alex and Alyssa aren’t the only two dishing about their night out – let’s cut to a pool day with Kelsey, Hannah, Kelly, and Juliette. Kelly is so randommé. I miss Victoria. And since Victoria isn’t there, it’s not a very eventful hang, but we do learn one key piece of information: there is an impending break up on the Key between my least favorite couple of all time: Juliette and BORING ROBBY! Before I have too much time to get excited, we’re at a lit pregame with Brandon, G Baby, and Jared. All three of the boys are SOL in the love department. We’ve got BG, who is hopelessly trying to win Amanda’s affection, G Baby, whose girlfriend just had a mental breakdown and vowed never to return, and Jared, who is under the twisted impression that he and Kelsey are getting serious. Jared…are we watching the same show? Besides some make outs, what gives you the impression Kelsey wants to be locked down? Get off of my screen, you’re embarrassing yourself. Your narcissism physically sickens me. Someone please explain to me how subpar straight men have the unabashed confidence of Gisele.

OH no Jared, it seems that you and Kelsey are, in fact, on very different pages regarding your relaysh. See: Kelsey and Jake on some sort of paddleboarding date, which, by the way, sounds like a waking nightmare. What’s my ideal first date? Definitely not doing a physical activity that requires a strong core and wearing a bathing suit in broad daylight. But I guess when you’re a profesh model like Kelsey, it’s no problem! Speaking of Kels, it’s time to talk about her flirting style. It never fails to make me feel deeply uncomfortable. Kelsey’s cringey moments aside, Jake had a monopoly on the disturbingly awkward comments of the day. When he called Kelsey a guy’s girl…I audibly screamed. PSA: If you are a male who potentially wants to foster some sort of relationship with me, be it platonic or romantic, kindly refrain from referring to me as a guy’s girl! Like oh my god, thank you for deciding I’m “chill/cool” enough to be male! Wow! What a compliment! Jake has officially rubbed me the wrong way. Jake is nothing like werewolf Jacob Black. It’s like, even though Bella was totally comfortable posting up with the boys in Jacob’s garage, blowing off homework and eating pizza while watching him reconstruct junkyard motorcycles behind Billy and Charlie’s backs so that Bella could self-induce hallucinations of Edward brought on by her own delusions, he never called her a guy’s girl! Because feminism. Also, New Moon was an instant classiqué.

Okay, can Juliette’s bitchy boss relax? Someone get this woman Xanax, immediately. Your boutique just literally doesn’t matter. I’m cackling as this woman tells Juliette that she’s on a “probation area period.” Sure, Courtney, because you have people chomping at the bit to get this job. But Juliette’s not the only one #grinding in corporate America – Alex and Chloe sure are working hard at the Crescent Club! I mean those two are putting their BACKS into it. The Crescent Club as we know it now was built on their blood, sweat, and tears. Thank you, Gary, for instilling a tireless work ethic in these two! If you look closely, you’ll see Chloe’s master plans for the club. The “plans” are intricate doodles sketched with crayon, reminiscent of Carlos’s birth certificate in Benchwarmers. You know the one. Anyways, after they watch people put down fugly astroturf and a few umbrellas, they call it a day and immediately start doing what they do best – talking shit about Juliette. Alex reiterates that he isn’t “going backward” with Juliette, and I’d like to reiterate that he most certainly will be.

I’m going to need all of you to start blasting break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored. Did you know the song was actually written for Juliette’s inevitable breakup with Boring Robby? Ha! Anyways, thank god Boring Robby brought wine - he’s going to needette. Honestly, the actual breakup probably wasn’t as brutal for Robby as watching this episode was. It’s obvious to Robby (and everyone) that once Juliette saw Alex, she realized she wasn’t actually in love with Robby. But seeing Juliette tell her friends that she was never in love with him and felt suffocated throughout their relationship? Probably wasn’t fun to watch! And then you factor in the scene where Robby’s friends berate him (rightfully so) for throwing Amanda’s phone in the ocean, and then you factor in the scene where Robby apologizes to Amanda with a waterproof case, and then you factor in the scene where he’s portrayed as a creepy, not attractive boring person, (oh wait that’s every episode…) But anyway, just not the best look for Boring Robby! Hopefully, he had some Pinterest-worthy quotes about self-care queued up following this episode’s air.

Okay, White Buffalo Saloon – you haven’t failed me yet. Give me some good content. After cheers-ing to boots and daisy dukes, the night starts off on a promising note. But it’s quickly soured by Jared. For some reason, he pulls Jake aside and starts yelling at him about Kelsey. Like, if you have an issue with Kelsey…shouldn’t you talk to Kelsey? He makes a complete ass of himself, and once again, I find myself applauding Kelsey for her behavior. She calmly explains what has been obvious since she joined the cast in season one – she isn’t ready for a relationship. Jared, looking like an idiot thanks to the straw in his drink and his “Daddy” t-shirt, storms off. Men do not mix with straws or gold chains. You cannot change my mind on this.

After Amanda ditches Brandon on the line-dancing floor for her ex, Juliette seems to be longing for an ex as well. Alex senses that Juliette is on the verge of a breakdown, so naturally he seeks her out just to ensure she has no chance of moving on. This scene is an emotional one. Everyone has an Alex, the boyfriend your friends hate but you can’t get over, and it’s sad watching Juliette fall right into his trap again. He’s only sweet to you when he thinks you’re moving on!! He wants you as a safety net! Run the other way! It was particularly sad to see her drunkenly admit she still loved him. Hated it for her. If only there were some life-altering event involving Alex that would finally help Juliette put this chapter to rest forever. We’ll just have to wait and see…

How much allegiance does your hairdresser owe you? Most people form a pretty tight bond with the person cutting their hair. Not only do you entrust your hairdresser with your appearance and whatever gossip you share while getting your head massaged – you also trust them not to murder you even though they could easily slit your throat with scissors!! I know you’re pondering that ethical dilemma, but dropetté because it’s time to cut to the feeling!

 Okay, we’re starting off with Amanda and Chloe at the beach, discussing Cara’s freakoutté in the last episode, which is great because I want to rewind and delve further into it. The more I watch it, the less it makes sense. Why would the producers intervene? They barely stepped in when Juliette started hitting Chloe and Amanda – why whisk Cara away just for yelling that no one graduated high school for the fortieth time? Well, I hope you’re a fan of conspiracy theories because have I got one for you. I believe that the producers instructed Alex to push a fabricated storyline involving Cara cheating on G Baby. I’m guessing that they figured Cara would either go along with it, or that she’d get angry, (because that’s her job…) but what they didn’t predict was that Cara had reached her breaking point. Instead of screaming at Alex, (which is what they tried to play this off as,) I think she was screaming at the producers about the utter fakeness of the show. She was tired of constantly being painted as the villain. Which is why they ultimately removed her from the boat. It would also explain the choppy editing and the fact that she dropped out of the show. Thoughts? Opinions? I don’t care, I’m right. Let’s move on.

Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for – ALYSSA’S SIESTA KEY DEBUT! Who is Alyssa, you ask? LET ME EXPLAIN. Alyssa is Alex’s long-time family friend and current baby mama! She is also Juliette’s former friend from FSU and – you guessed it – HAIRDRESSER. Hairdresser! Has she no decency!? If you’re a friend, feel free to date my ex, but if you’re my hairdresser?! Dream on, bitch! I swear to God, the day Savannah (my hairdresser) starts dating my ex?! Utter chaos! Sadly, Juliette was warned that her hairdresser was a sneaky brownnoser with a hidden agenda. In last season, we witnessed a Chloe and Juliette blowuppé caused by Juliette’s pesky hairdresser! Her OWN HAIRDRESSER told Chloe she was talking shit. While that would be more than enough for me to say goodbye, Juliette kind of has this pattern of ignoring people’s many glaring red flags, idk if you’ve noticed it though, it’s something not many people know about her.

 Anyways, this is a betrayal worse than JC and Brutus, worse than JC and Judas, and dare I say – even worse than that time in Stephanie Meyer’s third American novel in the Twilight Series – Eclipse, when Bella, desperate to stop Jacob from fighting in werewolf form against the savage newborn vampire army Victoria and her new lover Riley had created, kisses Jacob in what she claims is an attempt to get him to stay with her in the safety of the tent, but what we know is an act of love and a direct betrayal of Vampire Edward. It hurts to even think about it. And right after they got engaged? Bella, you can be so heartless. But is this funny because we find out later that even though Alex may find Alyssa to be hotter than Juliette, he literally doesn’t like her. Ouch!

Wait – he doesn’t like her? I thought she was with child – his child! Well, you’re right, she is carrying a small Shrek Alex inside of her uterus, but I guess having someone’s child doesn’t actually force them to like you. Who knew? Would have saved me a lot of grief to have that intel, let me tell you. LOL!! Anyways, we know he doesn’t like Alyssa because he told Juliette to her face that he doesn’t like Alyssa. After Juliette and Boring Robby: The Liar have yet another unsuccessful (and boring) conversation about Alex, Juliette ignores his wishes and goes to see Alex for the first time since the breakuppé anyways. But before we discuss their conversation, I need to get something off my chest. I get a distinctly strange Fatherly vibe from Boring Robby when he and Juliette talk, and it’s so unsettling. Maybe it’s the never-ending rip off of Confucius quotes that spill out of his mouth hole uncontrollably? Seriously, Boring Robby’s only talent (besides stealing) is word vomiting random phrases that don’t pertain to the topic of conversation whatsoever. I mean, “That’s like sitting in the driver’s seat, moving forward, while watching the rearview mirror.” Intern, get this philosopher a quill, some ink, and a Pulitzer Prize…STAT!

Juliette and Alex’s talk goes just about as well as it could possibly go. (It goes horribly.) Luckily, we got some genuine dynamite quotes from the exchange. I was geeking watching this because Juliette has this wonderful habit of exercising exactly zero willpower when it comes to Alex, so we truly get a look inside her brain during this convo. Like she literally can’t control what she says. Maybe that’s why she’s dating Boring Robby. He can’t stop quoting Seventeen Magazine, and Juliette can’t stop herself from screaming “You haven’t found a girl that’s hotter than me” at her ex. It’s one and the same. When Alex and Juliette sit down to talk, it gets heated pretty quickly. Alex admits that he’s not over Juliette, and even though he has “found a girl (or ten) hotter than [Juliette]”, he “hasn’t found a girl [he] likes more than [Juliette].” Juliette brings up Alex’s threating texts to Boring Robby, there are tears from both parties, and Juliette drives off. It’s like, I get why you wanted to, but really Juliette – how did you think this would go?

Okay so let’s take a break from all of this Jalex drama. As much as I love it – wow it’s exhausting! Cut to: BG and Amanda getting steamy in the hot tub! Unfortunately for Brandon, the only thing he’s getting is a steaming pile of rejection. When BG asks Amanda to be official, presumably because he’s worried about her ex, she tells him she doesn’t want to put a label on it. Cringe! Meanwhile, Kelsey and her new friend Jake seem to be getting close, and no – I didn’t mean to type “Jared.” That’s right, Kelsey is up to her usual antics and starting to date multiple guys at once again, finally! As Jake, who is also Robby’s best friend, tearfully confides in Kelsey about his sick father, Kelsey reassuringly responds, “Clearly you have a good shoulder on your head. Your Dad has raised you right.” Normally I would crucify her for this blunder, but she’s been so great this season that I’ll let it slide. Kind of.

 This is me not letting it slide.

Time for Amanda’s party! The first fun thing that happens is that Chloe and Juliette finally makeup, thank GOD because I like both of them infinitely more when they’re friends. The second fun thing is that even though noble Juliette leaves Boring Robby at home out of respect for Alex, Alex walks in holding her – gasp – HAIRDRESSER’S hand. Mike drop, Alex! Jake, Kelsey’s new love interest and Robby’s BFF, makes a sly comment about Alex which TOTALLY comes back to bite him in the ass when none other than shit-stirrer Chloe decides to blow up his spot – but we’ll get to that later. For now, Juliette’s just trying to keep her cool. Respect!

Juliette has been keeping it under control until Amanda confronts her about the lost phone. As we know, Amanda suspects Robby of stealing her phone. And based on Juliette’s face, he is guilty as charged. Juliette breaks down and tells Amanda that Boring Robby threw her phone in the ocean. Surprisingly, Amanda is really nice to Juliette about it, so major props! I think Amanda knows Juliette didn’t have anything to do with the phone and is probably very overwhelmed since she’s being filmed while her ex-boyfriend and ex-hairdresser are making out in front of her face while she’s trying to repair relationships with her best friends. So good for Amanda. Now that Juliette has her friends back, she’s ready for anything. Well, almost anything.

The party’s going too well, so Chloe decides to stir the pot and tell Alex that Jake called him a “sociopath” as Jake is sitting right next to him. Alex immediately dares him to define the word sociopath. This is particularly hilarious because just last week, Alex asked Cara to define the word slander. Why is his go-to insult asking people if they know the Merriam Webster definition of various words? Like next thing you know, you’re going to be asking me how to spell it and use it in a sentence. This isn’t Scripps. Anyways, before Jake can even try to define it, Alex steps in and defines sociopath as “Someone that obsesses over multiple things, that is um…very uh…self-centered, I guess you could say.” SO close, buddy! But no cigar. He truly puts the dick in dictionary, am I right?! His new girlfriend also channels his dick vibe and waltzes up to Juliette to “talk.” I love when people decide to “talk” to Juliette when she’s wasted and vulnerable. Leave Juliette alone! Luckily, Alyssa ends up looking like a complete idiot. She’s condescending, rude, and acts like Juliette has no reason to be thrown off. Even when Alex comes up, Juliette stands her ground and remains fairly level-headed. Alyssa walks away to let the two hash it out, but then proceeds to scream from across the room for Alex to come stand next to her, and admits defeat by confiding in her friends that “he still loves Juliette.” Stay in your lane, sweetie. You’re just a rebound. (Until you get knocked up…but we don’t know that yet.) See you next week.  

Alex and Juliette from MTV’s Siesta Key Vlog in NYC - see how they are outside of the reality show... 

Go to: