cut to the feeling

Okay, it’s been a really intense season. We saw Alex’s return, Cara’s dramatic depart, Madisson’s relationship with an old producer (emphasis on the old,) Juliette’s whirlwind romance with reality television’s most simultaneously boring and cringe-worthy individual, and Alyssa’s debut. We also saw other shit with the side characters that I don’t care for, but have nonetheless covered. And now, it’s time for the producers to wrap up Season 3A. (Season 3B will be coming June 16.) To be honest, I wasn’t sure how they were going to end this season fluidly within a two-hour time slot, but then again, the show is mostly scripted, so luckily, they figured it out. Without further ado – let’s cut to the feeling!

Madisson and Chloe are gearing up for Nashvegas in Blend, a location we will no doubt be seeing much more of since Juliette is fake working there. While Chloe is sifting through some shirts and encouraging Madisson to find a cowboy boyfriend, we see a “Ty” tattoo on her upper arm. Normally I wouldn’t point this out, but we all know how much I love to expose blatant plot holes in this show, so I’ll be thorough and explain why this made me laugh. Although season one starts off with Chloe pining after BG, and even getting in a physical altercation with Amanda over her crush, AND a major plotline of the show revolves around Chloe’s supposed obsession with Alex, Chloe is actually in a long-term, stable relationship with some random guy named “Ty.” They’ve been happily dating since before S1, but he’s a very private person (according to Chloe) and doesn’t want to be involved with the series. I got this information from her Instagram, though, as there is literally no mention of his existence on the show since it would interfere with their narrative. A single Chloe makes it more believable to be hung up on Alex, which would be her motivation for ruining his relationships and stirring up drama. The sad truth is that Siesta Key is a fake reality show and Chloe’s job is to create drama for no reason other than our entertainment. The more you know.

Over at the Kompothecras mansion, Alex is waking up and bracing himself for battle. If you remember correctly, we last left Alex at the bonfire, caressing Juliette and assuring her that he would still take a bullet for her. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable it would be to wake up and immediately see your actual girlfriend staring into your soul awaiting every detail from the previous night, but if Alex is good at anything, it’s his inability to feel guilt or shame. Alyssa grills him about the bonfire and is visibly angry when Alex admits to speaking to Juliette alone. I’m nervous to tell her that the worst has yet to come. Alex hasn’t even spilled about Nashville! When he finally does tell her about it, Alyssa clearly thinks she’s invited, and THEN Alex has to awkwardly inform her that no, she is not invited. First the bonfire, now this? The OG SK cast members are truly doing Alyssa DIRTY! Even Alex’s dog, Zeus, looks uncomfortable when he breaks the news to his new GF. It’s funny because Alex definitely could have invited Alyssa himself – it’s not like she’s banned from the city of Nashville – and Alex has never been a stickler for the rules. So why is he following them now…?

Oh! Alex doesn’t want to invite Alyssa because he wants to bang Juliette. Now I see. How do I know this? Thanks to the man, the myth, the legend…DJ PAULY PAUL! Alex’s cousin, Pauly Paul, is easily the most problematic person in the entire franchise, which is deeply concerning considering each human being involved with SK is highly problematic in their own way. I don’t know how many times he’s gotten arrested, violated his parole, or been blatantly misogynistic, but eventually, MTV had to scrap him because he’s simply not hot enough for the liability. So even though he was filmed during S3, they’ve taken him out of almost every shot. UNTIL NOW! Unfortunately for producers, and fortunately for us, he was a key element in this episode’s storyline, so they had to keep him in. There’s something about an aspiring white male rapper with no talent who takes advantage of his elderly grandmother for money and is antivax that really gets me excited. He talks a big game but actually worships Alex on a level that frightens and intrigues me. And here we see that aside from a significant weight loss due to a strict diet of cocaine, nothing about our beloved Pauly Paul has changed! He’s still gassing Alex up in a way that makes me wonder if there’s more than just cousin love there. Alex confides in Pauly that he wants to explore his relationship with Juliette a little more. And since Juliette will never be happy with anyone else (according to Alex), it should be great for both of them! Wise prophet Pauly warns Alex that “Nashville isn’t Vegas – what happens there, comes back.” Honestly, sage advice!

In this scene, we learn that Alyssa is one of those people who gets out aggression by boxing, which just makes sense! She’s shortly joined by Chloe, who looks downright uncomfortable as she realizes Alyssa could 100% beat the shit out of her. As Chloe begins to spar with Alyssa, Alyssa voices her frustration about not getting invited to Nashville. Because she’s a rat, and because she’s probably scared of a right hook to the face, Chloe quickly blames the invite list on Brandon. Sure, Chloe.

This entire season Amanda has been really spooky, and during her date with JJ she crosses a line. Her behavior on this date foreshadows what is to come. Seated in a gross chain looking restaurant that Siesta Key producers are trying to trick viewers into thinking is nice, Amanda and JJ are dressed to the nines drinking red wine in what I can only assume is 97-degree weather. So I’m already deeply unsettled. Then, Amanda makes everything worse by insinuating that she’s essentially planning to become a full-blown sex worker during her upcoming trip to Nashville. First of all, Amanda, relax. Like literally take a Xanax and stop seductively whispering things like, “I’m not an angel,” and unapologetically winking. The second-hand embarrassment I’m feeling is ruining my non-existent mental health. Also, I know Nashville is fun, but why are these people acting like they’re headed to Ibiza for a drug-fueled vision quest? Clearly Amanda is on one, and I’m genuinely nervous about what is to come.

Even though we’re FINALLY in Nashville, to my dismay, we’re having to watch a staged clip of Brandon in the studio. Brandon’s in there with the female artist he is collaborating with, her manager, and a producer. The dialogue between the four is so contrived that it’s truly hysterical. I strongly encourage you to pay close attention to the facial expressions of the producer and manager while they’re recording. They are definitely in the running for an Emmy after that performance! In a last-ditch effort to convince us that this isn’t completely fake, the manager announces that Brandon will be debuting the song at a bar. Okay you guys, if he’s performing at a bar, then he must be the real deal. Wow.  

Okay, let’s check in with everyone else at the hotel! Well, not everyone. Alex isn’t there…I wonder if he’s coming or not. But I’m not dwelling on it, instead, I’m appreciating the view. Seriously, I don’t understand how Brandon has a fake music career but the producers haven’t given G Baby a fake modeling career yet. I mean, look at him on that swing! He should change his nickname from G Slanger to G Swanger. After we watch Garrett swinging and wearing a cowboy hat, we cut to the girls, who are settling in with mimosas. Put down the champagne ladies, it’s time to head to an empty bar, get absolutely wasted, and embarrass yourselves on national television yet again! 

Instead of taking an Uber, the cast has opted to arrive by prairie schooner, which is a nice “wild west” touch even though they aren’t in the west. The south, the west…same difference! As they gyrate on the chic covered wagon, Amanda tells Pauly how “bummed” she is that “Alex is missing out.” Like okay, that’s a little sus, but we’ll let it slide. For now. Once they’re at the bar, everyone is straight vibing until Pauly Paul drops a bombshell on Juliette. He totally blows up Alex’s spot by telling her that Alex is only coming to Nashville to get back together with her. Which absolutely stuns her. After she tells Chloe and Amanda about to conversation, she vows never to get with Alex while he has a girlfriend. “I’m not going to become the girl I hated.” So noble! I almost believe her.

Meanwhile, Paul’s insight isn’t the most shocking thing going down. G BABY AND KELSEY ARE HEAVY PETTING AT THE BAR! They both appear to be absolutely obliterated, which is so fun. There’s nothing better than a drunk Garrett. This would be so exciting if Kelsey’s cringe-worthy flirting didn’t make an appearance. She literally says, “Should we kiss or are you a pussy” to Garrett and I had to refrain from breaking apart my television. After they start making out, Jared, who I forgot existed, dramatically storms away and Amanda flashes the camera. Both very appropriate responses.

It's only day two in Nash and we already have the pleasure of seeing Brandon riding a noble steed. And no, I’m not talking about Madisson, ahaha XD! While half the group is horseback riding with Brandon, the other half is at an ax-throwing bar. Which seems like a really good place for a dysfunctional group of alcoholics to be! As Juliette is calmly telling the girls about Pauly’s confession, over at the ax-throwing bar, things are escalating quickly. Jared’s clearly salty about Kelsey and Garrett, even though he has absolutely no right to be, and just when I thought things couldn’t get more uncomfortable, Alex waltzes in. Before he can take a breath, Chloe corners him and divulges about Paul. Suffice to say, Alex is pissed. I want to reiterate that there are literally hundreds of axes and copious amounts of booze around him. Suddenly, testosterone, alcohol, and axes seem like a bad combination.

It’s time for BG’s big performance! The tension in the air is thick as Juliette and Alex see each other for the first time. Shots are poured and there’s a big “cheers” to “being civil…for now!” I’d love to know exactly how long the civility lasts. As BG is gearing up for his gig, Amanda is being WEIRDLY flirty with Alex. Remember when I said her behavior was positively spooky? Yeah…here is it. I’m so confused about what the motivation behind her flirting with Alex is. I guess she wants Alex to report back to JJ? But like, why? They’re not dating, and only because she doesn’t want to, so why does she desperately need to make him jealous at the expense of her relationship with Juliette? And like flirting is putting it lightly folks. Amanda is being downright inappropriate and talking shit about Juliette, in front of Juliette, to Juliette’s shitty ex-boyfriend for no reason. If Amanda wasn’t so unhinged I’d be rooting for Juliette to throw down. But surprisingly, it’s not Juliette who throws the first punch (or head butt) of the night. It’s actually the future lawyer! As soon as Amanda is out of Alex’s sight, Alex sees Paul and immediately tries to head butt him. He looks absolutely possessed. And I am here for it.

But wait – back to the real attraction of the evening – BG’s song. As soon as Brandon starts crooning, G Baby and Kelsey start making out, and Alex and Paul make up. Aw. Unfortunately, Brandon’s song didn’t turn every fighter back into a lover. A bitter Jared is still harping on Kelsey and Garrett. After the performance is over, Jared goes around sharing details about their sex life. He’s so upset that Kelsey “only dates verified guys on Instagram.” Alex chimes in, adding, “guys that have blue checks are pussy ass mother fuckers,” to which Pauly responds, “Wait, Alex, you have one.” Eventually, Kelsey is forced to confront Jared since he won’t stop talking about her vagina. Jared proceeds to rant and rave about how Kelsey tossed him out like an old newspaper, which is a very boomer reference, and then tells her that she will “miss the day” he was on her side. He’s starting to sound like Neville in that episode of iCarly.

As if there wasn’t enough going on, Amanda continues to stir up drama for no reason. Chloe calls her out for being “so far up Alex’s ass,” which Amanda laughs at. Rightfully so. Literally all of them are. So after calling Chloe and Juliette two of the fakest bitches she has ever met, Amanda starts psychotically screaming at them to “WALK AWAY” and “THEN GO.” Her favorite thing to do in every situation is cause an issue, then tell the person she intentionally antagonized to “walk away.” I love it! 

Last night was so chaotic. Apparently, it was even more chaotic than we initially thought. Because Juliette and Alex hooked up. I want to be upset with her, but this was inevitable. They both go to a bridge to discuss, and the conversation is the same redundant thing we’ve heard time and time again. That they care for each other, they’re young, they’ve hurt each other, blah blah. Alex also says, “I don’t shut doors, I always keep them cracked,” which is a huge red flag and potentially foreshadowing.

It’s the last supper in Nashville and the cast is acting anything but holy. Tensions are high as Amanda comes in being insane and continuing to flirt with Alex. The discomfort is palpable. Chloe, fed up with Amanda’s bullshit, tells her to “suck [Alex’s] dick already,” to which Amanda responds, “I ALREADY HAVE.” Nice. I’m sure the families around them loved that comment. In a moment of clarity, Jared, who has also been acting psychotic this entire time, tries to interject and remind them that they’re in a public space, but Amanda’s not done yet. She continues to hurl insults Chloe’s way. So finally Chloe tells Amanda that all of the girls think she’s thirsty. Amanda threatens to break Chloe’s nose again. It’s all fun and games. Until Jared points out that he saw Juliette in the boy’s room this morning. Alex tells Jared to “relax dawg,” and when someone asks him how Alyssa is, he explains that “she’s good” but that “he’s in law school and doesn’t have time for a girlfriend.” But…well…okay not my problem.

Meanwhile, back in the Key, Alyssa is getting drinks with Alex’s mom. A little weird for her to be doing since Alex doesn’t even have time to date her. I’m truly disturbed by how rapidly Alyssa is inserting herself into Alex’s close circle. What else could she POSSIBLY do to cement her title as Alex’s Main Squeeze? Hopefully nothing drastic! Anyways, after ordering some cocktails, Alyssa immediately brings up Nashville and how she “trusts Alex, but not Juliette.” Hate to break it to you Alyssa, but if you really trust the guy you’re dating, you shouldn’t be worried ever, even if Megan Fox approaches him. And that’s on periodt!

The crew is finally back in Siesta Key. I’m relieved. Florida is a much better fit for them. As Alex walks into his home, guess who’s waiting for him…yup…it’s Alyssa…again. I think “make yourself at home” is more of a polite phrase and not something that should be taken so literally. But then I just start to feel bad for her because the blatant gaslighting begins. She clearly has a reason to feel insecure (Alex literally just cheated on her) but he just keeps reassuring her that nothing happened and making her feel crazy for ever doubting him. What a guy! I just hope Alyssa gets to escape eventually like Juliette did.

Speaking of escape, Madisson is hoping to do exactly that with her problems as she heads to the beach for a girl’s day with Kelsey. But their serene day is shortly interrupted…by ISH! Ish finally calls Madisson after weeks of no contact, and with Kelsey’s encouragement, she answers. It turns out that Ish wants to buy her a ticket to come see him in NYC the next day. This is all happening so fast! But Madisson agrees, and off to the big city she goes. I’m so nervouish!

Before Madisson sees Ish, she meets up with the woman, the myth, the legend: CARA! We haven’t seen her since her wild exit, but she seems to be doing well in NYC. Apparently, she’s dating her ex. Hm. The ex she vehemently denied being with? Say what you will about Chloe, but she usually has her facts right. Although Cara seems well-adjusted, when Madisson brings up Garrett, she immediately stiffens. Madisson hands her a hand-written note from Garrett. I’m elated. He IS literate! She gets visibly emotional about the note, then asks Madisson if he’s seeing anyone. When Madisson says Kelsey, that emotion shifts from bittersweet sadness to genuine rage very quickly. And speaking of Kelsey and Garrett – they happen to be on a date of their own! And it’s going great. With the exception of Garrett guessing that the color of Kelsey’s dress is “velvet” instead of violet. I love it when the robot malfunctions! After he struggles to speak and use chopsticks, Garrett immediately starts bringing up all of their past relationship issues. Which is a fun topic for exes trying things out again on a “first date.” It’s really nice to reminisce about how badly Kelsey treated G Baby. And sweet to see him giving her another chance. Rooting for you two! Now back to New York.  

As Madisson makes her way into Washington Square Park, she looks ready for a battle. The woman is on a mission. She knows Ish is either going to end it or wife her up. And she’s prepared for either outcome. When she sits down, Ish tells her that he brought her all the way up to New York so that he could see her face when he tells her he loves her. Yay! The power couple ish back together again!

Speaking of a power couple, back in the Key, Juliette has asked Kelsey to chat with her on the porch. She tells Kelsey that she hooked up with Alex in Nashville…THREE TIMES! She explains that she did it to prove to herself that Alex would cheat on anyone..not just her. Congrats, you’ve confirmed what we all already know – that Alex is trash! Kelsey looks dismayed to say the least. But that’s not all. Juliette is trying to get Alex to tell Alyssa. And if he doesn’t, she’s threatening to take matters into her own hands. And the plot continues to thicken. It turns out someone else in the crew knows about Juliette’s secret as well. And you guessed it – that person is Chloe. Shocking that she hasn’t spilled the beans yet, right? Well, there’s something in it for her too. After Chloe saw Juliette leaving Alex’s room, Alex was begging Chloe not to say a word and offered to buy her anything she wanted to keep her mouth shut. So, Chloe did what anyone would do. She asked for a Celine bag. And for once, she shut the fuck up.

Chloe keeping her mouth shut is truly an anomaly. We all know how difficult this must be…she must be avoiding Alyssa like the plague! Oh wait, no, she’s at drinks with Alyssa. This should go well! Alyssa asks Chloe if Juliette and Alex were flirting, and Chloe assures Alyssa that she “hates those two together” and would “tell [Alyssa] if anything happened.” I’m cringing. 

Just when you think the episode is wrapping up – just when you think things can’t possibly get messier on the key – we fade into the Kompothecras mansion three months after the bag scandal. It’s Alyssa, looking nervous, holding a pregnancy test. Surely this is just another Madisson/Ish-esque fake pregnancy scare. Surely, she’s not really…oh my God. Someone help her. She is carrying the spawn of Satan. Worse. The spawn of Alex Kompothecras. This even worse than when Bella realized she was pregnant with Edward’s half-vampire baby in Stephanie Meyer’s fourth novel in the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. As soon as Edward recovered from the pure shock of finding out he was somehow a father-to-be, he realized the grave danger Bella was in. His half-vampire baby would surely be her demise! And this is even WORSE than that. How can we possibly be left on this cliffhanger?! If only Ish were still a producer! He’d never make us wait! This is torture! See you next time on the Key.

Okay everyone, after a short hiatus, I’m back and ready to reenter the world of Siesta Key, much like Alex after his long-awaited return in episode three of this season. There’s a lot of ground to cover here, (over yonder and hither north), and a lot of bare ass to see. So let’s just cut to the feeling!

The summer’s third most important event on the Key, following closely behind Alex’s birthday which didn’t happen, and the Kompothecras Autism fundraiser which has yet to happen, is the Fourth of July. We all know how much the cast loves a themed bathing suit party and an excuse to take as many blueberry and watermelon Smirnoff Jello shots as possible, so this day is an honored tradition! But this year, we discover Juliette will not be participating in the annual debauchery. She’s under the impression that Alex and Alyssa will attend BG’s pool party, so in a rare moment of maturity (sorry Jules, but you know it’s true), she decides to work the holiday instead so that Blend, the boutique she works for, will be ready for its opening party. We love to see her contribute so thoroughly to Florida’s flourishing haute couture scene. But she’s mistaken – Alex and Alyssa are actually planning to head to Alyssa’s lake house in Georgia. (Go Dawgs! Sic em! Woof Woof!) Alyssa has invited Alex’s self-proclaimed “posse” consisting of JJ, Jared, Amanda, and Chloe. Her best friend Madi will also be there. I love being introduced to cast members’ friends because the company people keep is very telling of their overall aesthetic and vibe. Madi’s Instagram bio says that “chaos makes the muse,” and from that, I can assume that she’s a basic white girl who is obsessed with Show Me Your Mumu and uppers. How fitting!

Every girl who exclusively wears Show Me Your Mumu’s feed

While everyone is finalizing their FOJ plans, Madisson is enjoying a romantic evening at Ophelia’s On the Bay with Ish. This classic Siesta Key establishment is reserved for special occasions, so I’m already at the edge of my seat wondering what is going on in Ish’s shiny, bald head. Ish pulls a small jewelry box out of his pocket, and I’m breathlish. I mean, breathless. Is Ish going to propose?! Madisson’s face lights up, then falls when she sees the box has a necklish in it instead of a ring. Bummer! But rest assured, the jovial grin returns to Madisson’s face moments later when Ish asks her to move in with him! I mean, she’s quite literally giggling with excitement. Whatever happened to playing it cool? In fact, Madisson is SO jazzed that she suggests Ish come to lunch with her entire family soon, since her older sister, Paige will be in town. You may remember Paige as the girl who hooked up with both Pauly and Canvas, two major SK players. Fabulous track record. I can’t wait to see her again.

Country roads, take me home! We have arrived in Albany, Georgia and are ready to hit the lake and celebrate America! But before the celebration can begin, everyone must decide who is rooming with who. Chloe quickly nixes the possibility of Amanda rooming with JJ, and later chastises Amanda for even thinking about rooming with her toxic ex. Between you and me, Amanda looks quite peeved with her friend’s overbearing orders. After everyone gets settled, and Jared makes a connection with Alyssa’s friend Madi, Chloe walks inside and sees Alyssa shucking corn, something Alyssa apparently thinks only happens in the south, even though everyone literally everywhere who eats corn needs to shuck it. Alyssa confides in Chloe about Alex’s recent shuck up – his confession that he was on the phone with Juliette for six hours. Chloe lets it slip that Alex only admitted his wrongdoing to Alyssa after Chloe pushed him to do it, which makes Alyssa angry. She confronts Alex about it, and all I have to say is that if this is any indication of how Alex responds when presented with damning evidence, I do not want him representing me. He immediately gets defensive and angry at Chloe, and as much as I hate to admit it, Alyssa holds her own. She gets mad at Alex for attacking Chloe for simply telling the truth. Instead of just owning up to what he’s done wrong, Alex stammers out a half-apology and looks ready to fight Chloe. Oh no.

Cut to JJ and Amanda, grilling up some burgers and a hot conversation! After discussing their rekindled flame despite their tough past, Amanda tells JJ about another wrench in their road to romance – Chloe’s blatant disapproval. JJ looks really annoyed with the intrusion. I mean, he’s had to deal with BG, the fact that he cheated on Amanda multiple times already, and now this?! It’s so unfair. Speaking of BG, back on the Key, Brandon’s party is in full swing. You know what else is in full swing? The bare ass of a girl attending the party. Listen, I know the show loves to transition scenes by showing close-ups of scantily clad females, but this is just not something I can get behind. (Ha!) In all seriousness though, readers, please consider using something more than floss to cover your asshole if you ever find yourself on national television.

There’s more than one ass at this party, and her name is Kelsey. Sorry Kelsey stans, but this scene is just so violently cringe-worthy that I almost threw the remote at my screen. Kelsey can be so off-putting when she tries to flirt. But she’s hot and on a reality show so I’m not too worried about it. G Baby approaches Kelsey and asks her where “Jakey-poo” is. It’s worth noting that the robots controlling Garrett are becoming increasingly upsetting as well. Kelsey informs the Robot Garret that Jake is “over yonder, hither north” and then giggles/hiccups. I’m actually grimacing as I type this. Their nauseating display reminds me of why they’re actually perfect for each other. Foreshadowing, maybe? Kelsey then asks the question we’ve all been wondering – are Cara and Garrett still talking? Garrett says that they are not talking anymore, which is exactly what BG says about Amanda when Madisson asks. And as the fireworks explode in the night sky, I can’t help but think about the lack of fireworks in the love lives of our beloved cast. 

Back at the lake, tensions are rising faster than the current unemployment rate. Chloe seems to be the common denominator in everyone’s annoyance, and at dinner, everything comes to a head. Looking directly at Chloe, Alex asks, “Chloe, I know you like hanging out with us, but are you more of a team Juliette girl?” Chloe warns him “not to go there,” but Alex keeps pushing, accusing Chloe of being “finnicky.” Alex Merriam- Webster Kompothecras back at it again with the BURNS! Nice try buddy, I guess they don’t have vocab in law school. (I believe Alex meant to say “fickle,” but let me know your thoughts.) Chloe fires back by asking Alex a question – why hasn’t he made things official with Alyssa yet? Future Lawyer Alex blesses us yet again with a genius rebuttal: “Why? Because… I’ve… learned that… you shouldn’t push things. And when… the time is right...” Chloe cuts him off by reiterating that Alex still continuously hits Juliette up. At this point, I feel so bad for Alyssa who is just sitting there like a vegetable. But before I can focus on how painfully awkward she must feel, Amanda randomly starts butting in and yelling at Chloe for inserting herself in everyone else’s relationships. Chloe inserting herself in other people’s lives is literally the core theme of the show. Please get over it. Amanda keeps yelling because she’s clearly annoyed with Chloe’s criticism of JJ, and as JJ sits there, harrowingly silent, Chloe tells Amanda to fuck off and storms out of the lake house. Let’s all pray she didn’t drive home. The night isn’t all bad though – after the fight, Jared ends up sealing the deal with Madi, who insists that she “usually doesn’t do this on the first night.” Okay, sweetie. After Jared is unable to perform, the night, which began on an explosive note ends on a rather underwhelming one.

The fourth may be over, but the aftermath from the day remains. And what better way to catch up on the day’s events than over lunch? As Chloe meets up with Juliette to explain what happened at the lake, Madisson takes Ish to meet up with her entire family and break her news to them. I predict that while Chloe and Juliette’s lunch will go swimmingly, Madisson and Ish’s lunch will turn sour quickly. And I’m right! Juliette drinks in every last detail of Chloe’s public fight with Alex. I’m proud of her for steering clear of the drama this time, but I’m not naïve. Juliette can only be on the Key drama-free for so long. Let’s check in with Madisson. As anticipated, this is not going well. After Madisson’s mom asks if she is pregnant, and Madisson’s Dad refuses to acknowledge that she and Ish are anything but “just friends,” Madisson tells her family that she plans to move to Los Angeles with Ish. They appear less than pleased. It is a stark contrast from Madisson’s giddy reaction when he initially proposed the idea. Ish gently reminds her family that while Madisson would like their blessing, she is a grown woman and can make her own decisions. He knows their situation is “so unique”, but hopes they will grow to accept their relationship. Paige, Madisson’s sister, breaks her silence. While Madisson was hoping she might be an ally for their relaysh, she turns out to be team parent. “Unique…?” Paige questions. “Isn’t this more of a cliché? The old Hollywood producer sleeping with the actress…” Ouch! And here I thought her father was the harsh one!

While Madisson’s relationship becomes increasingly rocky, Alex decides to take things up a notch with Alyssa. During a bizarre conversation in which he essentially admits that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Alex seals the deal with Alyssa and asks her to be official. I wonder what prompted him to take the next step! Could it have been Chloe point-blank asking him why he hadn’t made things official with Alyssa the night before? We may never know. Regardless, Alyssa accepts the clearly sincere offer and Siesta Key has a new power couple. “Wait,” you might be thinking. “New power couple? But what about Ish and Madisson?” Oh, thanks for the reminder. Alex and Alyssa are only able to overthrow this couple because…they’re done. Gasp! In a shocking scene, Ish breaks up with Madisson on national TV. If I’m Madisson, a stunning 25-year-old girl who is D-List famous and kind of intelligent, I’m furious. How dare my old, overweight ex-producer dump my ass in front of all of America. But after Ish says he needs space and doesn’t think they should be together, Madisson just starts to softly cry and runs off-screen, away from her now ex-Father ex-boyfriend. I am torn because I know that Ish means well. It’s like that time in Stephanie Meyer’s classic American novel, New Moon. When Edward realizes that his relationship with Bella puts her safety and ability to lead a normal life at risk, he knows he must leave her. Even if it’s the last thing he wants to do. He must act out of selfless love. Eventually, though, he comes back to Bella…we can only hope for the same fate for Dadisson.

Speaking of exes, let’s check in on everyone’s least favorite exes, Boring Robby and Juliette! Boring Robby is throwing some sort of strange soirée, and it’s a little awkward that Juliette is there considering the last time these two saw each other it ended rather abruptly. But Juliette, on a mature streak, pulls Boring Robby aside and apologizes for the harsh convo. She invites him to the Blend opening as a peace offering, and even though he accepts, Boring Robby can’t help but push for a few more answers. He asks Juliette why she would ever say she loved him, and Juliette responds by explaining that while she did love him, she wasn’t in love with him, because she felt like he was “fatherly.” Okay y’all, you’ve heard of getting friend-zoned, but today we’re introducing you to a new dating trend, getting “dad-zoned!” She ends the talk by saying that she’s ready to make her own decisions without the influence of any man. Yas kween! The only other notable thing that happens at this party is that Garrett refers to himself as the “G-Slanger,” which to me, is really thrilling.

But not everyone is dartying today. Despite their blowout, business aficionados Chloe and Alex must meet at the Crescent Club to “work.” Before they hit the books, Chloe expresses her frustration with Alex. She explains that Alex is now doing the same thing Juliette did at the beginning of the summer. He’s mad at Chloe for continuing to be friends with Juliette. And WHY can’t she be friends with both!? Alex vehemently denies this claim but agrees that they need to find a way to smooth things over with everyone. On a more somber note, Jake comes over to Kelsey’s house and tells her that his father passed away, so he needs to return home. He also breaks things off with her. :( One of those rare actually intense moments in this show.

Blending business and pleasure never works, so when Alex shows up at Blend’s sign hanging, Juliette looks less than amused. Instead of gearing up for the opening party that night, Alex whisks Juliette away from her boss and coworker to have a chat with her. The chat goes absolutely nowhere – they’re literally talking in circles, saying the same things we’ve heard for three seasons. Juliette tells Alex she’s going to pretend like he doesn’t exist, and Alex responds with a menacing smile and says, “see you later.” I’m scared.

It’s time for the official opening of Blend! While I’m still confused as to how they were able to pull it together in time when Juliette went to Greece instead of helping out, I’m so proud of Juliette, Juliette’s random friend Kelly, and Juliette’s bitchy boss Courtney. Great job, ladies! Everyone seems to be having a good time until Alex and Alyssa waltz in. The party crashers, making their debut as an official couple, make their way across the venue. But while Alyssa passes Boring Robby without a second glance, Alex, who has yet to see his “ex-friend who dated his ex-girlfriend,” stops in front of Boring Robby and flicks him on the face. If I’m Alyssa, I’m breaking up with Alex then and there. He might as well take the microphone and scream “I’M NOT OVER JULIETTE” into it. But of course, Alyssa turns the other way and pretends to barely notice it. Boring Robby is still visibly reeling from the flick. Even though he’s trying to pretend like it was funny, you can tell he’s taken aback. Alex approaches him AGAIN, slaps him on the ass, and threatens to “knock [his] fake-ass teeth out.” In true Boring Robby fashion, he simply walks away, refusing to engage and keeping things as boring as possible. Luckily, Boring Robby’s spunky friend Joe is there to keep the reality show on track and talk a lot of shit. He starts by flipping Alex off and saying that Alex “hides behind his money.” Alex responds by bringing up Robby’s penis size. Maybe we’ve gotten it wrong this whole time. Maybe Alex is really into Boring Robby, and is mad at Juliette for getting in the way. Eventually, Alex lunges at Joe and threatens to fight him. As a future lawyer, Alex should know better than to physically attack anyone in public, specifically someone who is a literal walking hate crime, but then again, Alex isn’t known for his intelligence.

The next day, Kelsey heads to Boring Robby’s to make sure her job is still secure in light of all of the chaos that has ensued. (Remember that he’s randomly her boss, lol.) He assures her that all is okay, and has no problem with “continuing to use and abuse her.” I don’t think he got that quote from his collection of bizarre inspirational sayings, but it still made me cringe just the same. When Kelsey brings up the fight, Robby describes it as “par for the course.” I cannot get enough of his expressions! They’re never-ending! Later, when Juliette checks on Boring Robby to make sure he’s okay after the fight, he also assures her that he’s okay, that the fight was “par for the course,” and that “some zebras never change their stripes.” I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Boring Robby is truly the Confucius of our generation.

In the wake of the big fight, Chloe, resident shit-stirrer, is more determined than ever to mend all of the strife in her friend group (that she primarily caused.) Summoning her inner Mother Teresa, Chloe sends out a text to her friends demanding they meet up to hash things out. The text ends with a sweet message – “YOU ARE REQUIRED TO BE THERE SO I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING EXCUSES.” Chloe certainly knows the way to people’s hearts!

In the final scene of this lengthy, two-episode extravaganza, we see the OG crew plus Jared at a bonfire. It’s nice to see all of the original cast together. Madisson kicks off the meeting by explaining how important everyone is to her. She breaks down, detailing how badly she needs a support system since her family hasn’t been there for her and Ish is gone. Chloe quickly glazes over the heartfelt cry for help and changes the direction of the conversation towards Alex and Juliette. As she tries to get them to see eye to eye, a very wasted Juliette calls Alex a “piece of shit” while Alex laughs in her face and tells her to go “bob her head” in the corner. I hate myself for laughing, but Juliette definitely nods her head weirdly when drunk. They peel off and have an emotional conversation that everyone can hear, and it ends with Alex holding a sobbing Juliette, assuring her that he would jump in front of a bullet for her. I don’t know about you, but I probably wouldn’t be chill with my boyfriend doing that with (or for) his ex. Either way, at least they aren’t screaming at each other.

The episode ends with Brandon announcing a trip to Nashville. He’s going to record a song and wants to bring everyone along for a vacation. The two-part finale will take place in Nashville, and I cannot wait. In the words of Alex Kompothecras, future lawyer, “Sara-nara!” See y’all in Nashville next week!

Unfortunately, this was definitely a building block episode. Fortunately, however, we did get to meet Jared’s slut-shaming mom, his shockingly apathetic ex-wife, and watch Alyssa further cement herself as my least favorite person on the planet earth. Let’s cut to the feeling!

You know when you wake up and you’re violently hungover, and you’re regretting the night before, and your only option is to stay in bed and order food and wish for death? That’s exactly how we get to see Juliette the morning after Jared’s party. Relatable kween! As she lays in bed with a lot of pizza but zero hope, she tries to justify her behavior at Alex’s. It sucks because I think it was warranted to push him in the pool, but given her (other) recent violent behavior, it just makes her look like a meth head. Especially since no one believes that Alex was actually on the phone with her. Which is SHOCKING. But I’ll get to that later. Speaking of Alex, now we’re seeing Alex and Alyssa the day after the blowout. Alyssa starts to question why Juliette and Alex were even talking in the first place. Alex explains that he sent Boring Robby some screenshots from Juliette. This should ring major alarms for Alyssa! Like if Alex doesn’t care at all, why would he do that? Alex insists that Juliette is just “desperate for anything,” and Alyssa stupidly accepts this explanation. Sorry, who’s desperate?

Nothing like a boozy lunch with your mom! That sounded sarcastic but I’m so serious. Mom, let’s do that when you come visit me soon! Except instead of calling my ex-spouse who cheated on me during combat a slut, we can stick to lighter conversation topics. So yeah, after Jared’s mom fondly recalled the time she called his ex-wife, Jessica, a “slut,” we learn that Jessica cheated on Jared during his deployment. Jessica is starting to sound like a Messica! Then Jared breaks the news that Jessica is visiting him in Siesta Key, and suffice to say his mother is not pleased. My ex-wife is not a phase, mom.

Later that day, we see Jessica arriving at dinner with Jared. They laugh about how horrible they are together when they drink, and then immediately order drinks. Good plan! After dinner, Jared brings Jessica to meet the gang. Amanda, Brandon, Madisson, Chloe and G Baby are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of Jared’s infamous ex. As soon as everyone says hi, the boys peel off to grab drinks, and Chloe immediately asks Jessica if she’s heard about Jared’s fling with Kelsey. She doesn’t waste one second, that Chloe! Not only has Jessica not heard of Kelsey, but she also apparently has no idea that Jared has PTSD. Which is strange, because if my ex-husband was on a reality show, I’d definitely watch, and if you’ve seen any episode with Jared, you know about his struggles with PTSD. Jessica must have felt like an idiot!! You think you know someone, and then it turns out that you don’t at all. I can’t help but immediately think of that time in Stephanie Meyer’s final novel in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, when Police Chief Charlie Swan sees Bella for the first-time post-change. From Charlie’s POV, his daughter went on a honeymoon to a strange Brazilian island and then caught a very serious virus that caused her to be quarantined from everyone for a lengthy period of time. Finally, enough was enough, and Police Chief Swan said, “screw protocol!”, and he went to the Cullen’s to see his daughter. When he saw her, his heart sank. That was Bella, but she looked different. She had an adopted baby who looked just like her, but the timing of the pregnancy didn’t add up. In that moment, Charlie Swan knew that while this may be his daughter, it certainly wasn’t the daughter he knew. And that was how exactly how Jessica felt during this gossip sesh.  

1 full year of wedded bliss

Something about Juliette is that while she is completely psychotic, violent, and potentially an alcoholic, she’s definitely not a liar. So when I see Chloe and Amanda in a pool, drinking literal water from cocktail glasses and saying that they “don’t believe Juliette” in regards to the phone call with Alex? I’m on the phone, calling Gary Kompothecras himself, suing for slander. It’s like, “I’m just done believing her.” Wait, seriously? Why? Alex is a proven pathological liar. Juliette is simply and factually not a liar. Based on those facts, let’s make an educated guess and decide who is lying. Later, Chloe and Alex head to the Crescent Club to get ready for the big bar opening that night. They briefly discuss Juliette, as always, since they seemingly have nothing better to talk about, and Chloe reveals that she’s meeting up for lunch with Juliette to hear her side of the story. After all, Juliette did break her $8 Amazon sunglasses. Chloe deserves an explanation. Then, after continuing to trash Juliette for a solid five minutes, Chloe tells Alex that Juliette “needs people like me in her life that are honest with her,” and they continue doing nothing to set up for the big night.

Juliette shows up to lunch with a gift and receipts. Text/call receipts, that is. After giving her gift to Chloe (a replacement of her wildly inexpensive sunglasses), Juliette pulls out the phone and proves that she was, in fact, on the phone with Alex for six hours. I’d like to give Chloe a shout out for truly sleuthing – yeah, Chloe, I saw you check the contact and make sure it was actually Alex’s number. Imagine if Juliette had just changed the name in her phone. After admitting that Juliette, was, in fact, telling the truth, Chloe decides to confront Alex at the bar opening. Perfect timing!  

Here we go – it’s Crescent Club time! Amanda rolls up with BG, which is weird since I kind of thought they had a falling out, but okay. JJ is also there, and it’s just a matter of time before Brandon freaksoutté. But first, Chloe pulls Alex aside. It’s truth time. Chloe explains that she saw the calls and knows that Alex and Juliette spoke on the phone for six hours. Alex, an aspiring lawyer, hits back with an incredible defense. “She called me, though.” Okay, someone call RBG and get this man on the Supreme Court, effective immediately. Alex realizes he needs to tell Alyssa before Juliette does, so he pulls her aside and admits what he’s done. Alyssa seems, in a word, peeved. Peeved, but not hideously angry which is what a normal person would be. After a quick five-minute recap, they’re all good, which is extremely concerning. But, as Alex said, “emotionally, nothing was gained or lost” during the calls, so like, Alyssa really has no need to worry. 

Is this Juliette or Santa Claus because she’s arriving to the Crescent Club bearing more gifts! After giving Alyssa a replacement bathing suit top, Chloe inexplicably rips the new top for no reason. Nice. Seriously though, I’m proud of Juliette for making amends and pushing forward. Ygg! Maybe she’s learning from Kelsey, who up until tonight, has made me so proud! Unfortunately, Messica gets the best of her. When she meets Jared’s ex-wife, the tension in the air is so thick you could cut it. Kelsey asks if the two are going to be sad to leave each other, and when Jessica explains that they’re not very “emotional,” Kelsey blatantly questions their relationship altogether by saying, “Well then was it ever real?” Ouch! That was super intrusive, aggressive, and uncalled for especially since she told Jared to fuqoffé a week ago and chose Jake. Oh no Kels.

We leave that awkward love triangle for another awkward love triangle – BG, JJ, and Amanda. BG randomly decides to confront JJ about Amanda. Brandon, what have we learned from the Jake/Kelsey/Jared debacle? This almost never ends in the desired result! After Brandon tries to stake claims over Amanda, JJ gently reminds him that Amanda owes neither of them anything, and she has been blatantly clear about the fact that she’s not being exclusive with either of them. Amanda has lied to BG about hooking up with JJ, so he’s got a right to be mad about that, but overall, he needs to drop this narrative. No one cares. We all know he’s really upset about his first love dating someone old enough to be her father, but to be frank, no one cares. You cheated on Madisson! You led her into the arms of Ish! Now get overetté! 

Juliette approaches Alyssa to apologize more in-depth. She acknowledges that her behavior was out of hand, and explains that she never wants to come in between Alex and Alyssa. (Who aren’t even dating!!) Keep in mind – Juliette could easily show Alyssa the proof that Alex is still VERY invested in her. Alex feared that she might, which is the only reason he came clean to Alyssa in the first place. But nope, even after Alyssa antagonizes her and says that Alex shows her all of the texts she sends, Juliette still remains calm and simply says, “I wouldn’t be sending him things that I’m not getting in return.” Which is a very fair point! Instead of pausing to think about the situation logically, Alyssa tells Juliette to “have a nice life.” Ooh, BURN! Now we wait for Tuesday – get excited about double the episodes and double the drama.

Welcome to the best episode of the season, brought to you by Clear Blue, the Mile-High Club, and Amazon Sunglasses. BOOP! Let’s cut to the feeling!

Nothing like sweating out a hangover! I love watching Juliette and Kelsey work out while I’m sitting on my couch eating cereal for no reason at 8 PM. This is doing wonders for my self-esteem. The friends start discussing the previous night at White Buffalo Saloon. After Alex and Juliette had that emotional convo outside and she left, they ended up talking on the phone for SIX HOURS. Six hours! I just want to know where Alyssa was while Romeo was telling Juliette he still loved her over the course of 360 minutes. Shout out to Kelsey for being a good friend and telling Juliette that Alex is “a bag of dog shit. On fire.”

The face your best friend makes when you confess that you’re talking to your ex. 

The only thing I hate more than lying is longboarding. And Amanda is guilty of both. Though she and Brandon may be moving fast on their weirdly oversized/emo skateboards, their relationship is slowing to a halt. Brandon starts quizzing Amanda about where she disappeared to last night, and she looks genuinely offended that he had the audacity to question her. Why is it that whenever people are guilty, they get so defensive? Any sociologists out there to give me their two cents? (Shout out Alex, for confusing psychology with sociology in episode five. Never change. <3)

This scene is already annoying me because Boring Robby, Jake, and Joe are setting up for the “Rebella” party. Number one, I thought we were done with Boring Robby – get off of my screen – and number two, as much as it pains me, I have to agree with Alex on one thing. Rebella looks like a complete and utter scam. And if I wasn’t so distracted by the beads covering Joe’s face, I’d report this to the Better Business Bureau as a potential money laundering cover-up. As Robby wonders if Juliette will show up, we cut to Juliette and Kelsey’s house. Kelsey, excited to get to the party to see her boss/love interest Jake, convinces Juliette to go. Nothing like showing up to your ex-boyfriend’s party two days after breaking up with him.

Why do people insist upon having tough convos over coffee in this show? First Juliette and her boss, then Robby and Amanda, and now this. As Madisson sits down with Chloe to grab lattes, things get serious quickly. Madisson is having a pregnancy scare! After tearfully confiding in Chloe, Madisson works up the nerve to get a test and Facetimes Dad “Baby” Ish to see the results. I’m sorry, but if my girlfriend randomly Facetimed me at work crying about potentially being with child, I’d be a little more emotive than Ish, who was apathetic about the whole situation. (Clearly, there’s a reason he was behind the camera and not in front of it.) After Madisson finally puts us all out of our misery and checks the test, we discover that she is not, in fact, carrying Ish’s spawn. Shocker! But now she’s forced to think about the reality of dating Old Man Ish since he’s an old man. Does she need to have kids sooner now since her boyfriend is practically in the grave? My head is spinning, I can’t think about this right now. Hopefully, that’s the only unwanted pregnancy of the season!

The Rebella party is in full swing, but instead of showing us the party, the producers have decided to show us forty-seven flashbacks, yet again. Can we please stop with those? They happen eight times an episode and eat up precious airtime. Like we KNOW what happened in the last episode, thanks. As Juliette and Boring Robby ignore each other, and Jake and Kelsey discuss their budding potential relationship, we get to see a glimpse of former cast member Carson! Who is now known to us as “Brandon’s friend.” Usually, the producers will bring on random people and then just never speak of them again, (shoutout Canvas, Tawni, Madisson’s sister, Pauly Paul, Ben, now VICTORIA, and many more) but this time, we get to see one. It’s kind of like seeing a ghost. Hi, Carson! You’re a brunette now! How are you doing? Where did you go? Are you okay?   

With no time for childish nonsense, Alex and Chloe are hammering out business details at the Crescent Club. While making a specialty mojito, Chloe sees a video of Juliette at the Rebella party. And once Alex hears she’s there, it’s game over. He becomes genuinely enraged and immediately fires off a text to Robby. Normally I would find his reaction hilarious since it proves that he’s desperately jealous, but the text he sent contains a screenshot of Juliette confessing her love to him earlier in the day, which is just embarrassing. Boring Robby, now would be a good time to start chanting inspirational quotes while you foam at the mouth and seize, you’re going to need them.

Earth-shattering. That’s how I would describe Boring Robby’s reaction to the texts from Alex. It’s reminiscent of that scene in Stephanie Meyer’s third novel in the Twilight Saga, Eclipse, when Bella accidentally lets it slip while ditching school with Jacob that she plans to become a vampire upon graduation. Jacob is shell-shocked. Although he knew this was looming, he had no idea it was happening so soon. I mean, not only would this break the treaty – remember, the Cullen clan is banned from not only killing, but also BITING any human – but this is also the girl who Jacob presumes to be the love of his life!! (Even though he hasn’t imprinted on her.) Before this show, I could only imagine his exact face when he found out Bella was going to become a filthy bloodsucker. (His words, not mine.) He even said he’d rather she be dead! Luckily, Robby’s face at this moment is all I need to visualize Jacob’s. After the soul-crushing texts, Robby runs up to Juliette to confront her. He accuses her of faking the entire relationship, then tries to prove it by asking Juliette to name her favorite moment or memory from their relationship. After Boring Robby waits in silence for a few seconds, Juliette responds, “SEX ON A PLANE! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?” Icon!

For the record, I know Jacob’s face during that shocking scene was portrayed by Taylor Lautner in the cinematic masterpiece Eclipse, but as a self-proclaimed Twilight expert, I felt that this real-life moment of Robby Hayes actually paid homage to Jacob’s raw emotion more accurately.

Back at the Kompothecras mansion, Alyssa, Gary, Alex, and Alex’s nameless mother are drinking at 10 AM. I stand by my hypothesis that Alyssa is trying to replace Alex’s mom and bang Gary. I can think of no other logical explanation as to why she keeps thudding around Alex’s parent’s house without a bra on. It’s funny that she has time to paint on a full face of makeup, but no time to cover her nipples. As they sit down for drinks, Alyssa immediately starts talking about how Juliette is trying to “weasel her way back in” and that “she needs to back off.” What’s that? Juliette, the girl who has dated Alex for 3+ years is trying to “weasel her way back in”? That’s great, coming from the girl who got pregnant after three months of NOT EVEN DATING ALEX. No yeah, um, that’s just, great. Good insight, Alyssa.

Since Alex was abroad for his birthday, he’s decided to throw a party for Jared. Even though I’m a little mad that Alex didn’t throw his annual banger, this party provided us with a lot of content, so I’m not going to pursue a lawsuit with Gary. Earlier in the episode, we learned that Jared is a divorcé! That’s right, when Jared was in the navy, he was married to someone and got divorced after a year. Young love. Even though he’s having a fun birthday party by the beach with all of his friends, he’s fixated on getting a call from his ex-wife. Finally, she calls and we learn that she’s coming to town next week. Interesting! As they hung up, they said “I love you” to each other, and then Jared got really emotional. Also interesting! We’ll learn more next week. Stay tuned!

As Alex and Alyssa hang all over each other, you can see Juliette seething behind her Chloe’s sunglasses. She decides to go confront Alex against literally everyone’s advice, and I’m already cringing. Juliette marches up to Alex and starts trying to get him to admit, on camera, that he said he still loved her over the phone. Alex blatantly denies it (even though it’s definitely true,) and then up comes Alyssa. She immediately starts berating Juliette, saying that she’s “crazy” and “false.” I’m just laughing at how naïve Alyssa is. Poor girl. She will soon become all too aware of what a manipulative liar Alex is. Okay, “manipulative liar” is a bit of an overstatement. That makes him sound intelligent. He’s just an asshole. Either way, I’m violently triggered by the idea of my liar ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend calling me psychotic and laughing in my face. So when Juliette pushes Alex in the pool and pulls down Alyssa’s bathing suit after Alyssa throws a drink at her, I’m not mad about it! As a final touch, Juliette hurls Chloe’s now crumpled sunglasses back at her, then, as everyone is trying to escort her away from the pool, she tugs down Alyssa’s bathing suit yet again, adding a final, “boop!” Pure class. Team Juliette for life. See you on the Key next week!

This week’s Siesta Key recappé is brought to you by crayons, water-proof phone cases, and your toxic ex. Let’s cut to the feeling!

Nothing says “bold” like strutting through the home of your not-yet-boyfriend’s parents without a bra or pants on. I salute Alyssa for trying this out! I have a feeling Gary may very well be end game for her, and she’s trying to seduce him by way of Alex. Which is so baller! Anyways, you can tell Alyssa is trying desperately to remain calm when she and Alex start discussing the previous evening. Alex won’t shut up about Juliette, and even though what he’s saying is negative, it’s really sus that all of their conversations center around his ex. I mean, Alex does say he “doesn’t ever want to go back there” (meaning Juliette), but I have a feeling the producers intentionally included that clip as a little clue called foreshadowing!

Alex and Alyssa aren’t the only two dishing about their night out – let’s cut to a pool day with Kelsey, Hannah, Kelly, and Juliette. Kelly is so randommé. I miss Victoria. And since Victoria isn’t there, it’s not a very eventful hang, but we do learn one key piece of information: there is an impending break up on the Key between my least favorite couple of all time: Juliette and BORING ROBBY! Before I have too much time to get excited, we’re at a lit pregame with Brandon, G Baby, and Jared. All three of the boys are SOL in the love department. We’ve got BG, who is hopelessly trying to win Amanda’s affection, G Baby, whose girlfriend just had a mental breakdown and vowed never to return, and Jared, who is under the twisted impression that he and Kelsey are getting serious. Jared…are we watching the same show? Besides some make outs, what gives you the impression Kelsey wants to be locked down? Get off of my screen, you’re embarrassing yourself. Your narcissism physically sickens me. Someone please explain to me how subpar straight men have the unabashed confidence of Gisele.

OH no Jared, it seems that you and Kelsey are, in fact, on very different pages regarding your relaysh. See: Kelsey and Jake on some sort of paddleboarding date, which, by the way, sounds like a waking nightmare. What’s my ideal first date? Definitely not doing a physical activity that requires a strong core and wearing a bathing suit in broad daylight. But I guess when you’re a profesh model like Kelsey, it’s no problem! Speaking of Kels, it’s time to talk about her flirting style. It never fails to make me feel deeply uncomfortable. Kelsey’s cringey moments aside, Jake had a monopoly on the disturbingly awkward comments of the day. When he called Kelsey a guy’s girl…I audibly screamed. PSA: If you are a male who potentially wants to foster some sort of relationship with me, be it platonic or romantic, kindly refrain from referring to me as a guy’s girl! Like oh my god, thank you for deciding I’m “chill/cool” enough to be male! Wow! What a compliment! Jake has officially rubbed me the wrong way. Jake is nothing like werewolf Jacob Black. It’s like, even though Bella was totally comfortable posting up with the boys in Jacob’s garage, blowing off homework and eating pizza while watching him reconstruct junkyard motorcycles behind Billy and Charlie’s backs so that Bella could self-induce hallucinations of Edward brought on by her own delusions, he never called her a guy’s girl! Because feminism. Also, New Moon was an instant classiqué.

Okay, can Juliette’s bitchy boss relax? Someone get this woman Xanax, immediately. Your boutique just literally doesn’t matter. I’m cackling as this woman tells Juliette that she’s on a “probation area period.” Sure, Courtney, because you have people chomping at the bit to get this job. But Juliette’s not the only one #grinding in corporate America – Alex and Chloe sure are working hard at the Crescent Club! I mean those two are putting their BACKS into it. The Crescent Club as we know it now was built on their blood, sweat, and tears. Thank you, Gary, for instilling a tireless work ethic in these two! If you look closely, you’ll see Chloe’s master plans for the club. The “plans” are intricate doodles sketched with crayon, reminiscent of Carlos’s birth certificate in Benchwarmers. You know the one. Anyways, after they watch people put down fugly astroturf and a few umbrellas, they call it a day and immediately start doing what they do best – talking shit about Juliette. Alex reiterates that he isn’t “going backward” with Juliette, and I’d like to reiterate that he most certainly will be.

I’m going to need all of you to start blasting break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored. Did you know the song was actually written for Juliette’s inevitable breakup with Boring Robby? Ha! Anyways, thank god Boring Robby brought wine - he’s going to needette. Honestly, the actual breakup probably wasn’t as brutal for Robby as watching this episode was. It’s obvious to Robby (and everyone) that once Juliette saw Alex, she realized she wasn’t actually in love with Robby. But seeing Juliette tell her friends that she was never in love with him and felt suffocated throughout their relationship? Probably wasn’t fun to watch! And then you factor in the scene where Robby’s friends berate him (rightfully so) for throwing Amanda’s phone in the ocean, and then you factor in the scene where Robby apologizes to Amanda with a waterproof case, and then you factor in the scene where he’s portrayed as a creepy, not attractive boring person, (oh wait that’s every episode…) But anyway, just not the best look for Boring Robby! Hopefully, he had some Pinterest-worthy quotes about self-care queued up following this episode’s air.

Okay, White Buffalo Saloon – you haven’t failed me yet. Give me some good content. After cheers-ing to boots and daisy dukes, the night starts off on a promising note. But it’s quickly soured by Jared. For some reason, he pulls Jake aside and starts yelling at him about Kelsey. Like, if you have an issue with Kelsey…shouldn’t you talk to Kelsey? He makes a complete ass of himself, and once again, I find myself applauding Kelsey for her behavior. She calmly explains what has been obvious since she joined the cast in season one – she isn’t ready for a relationship. Jared, looking like an idiot thanks to the straw in his drink and his “Daddy” t-shirt, storms off. Men do not mix with straws or gold chains. You cannot change my mind on this.

After Amanda ditches Brandon on the line-dancing floor for her ex, Juliette seems to be longing for an ex as well. Alex senses that Juliette is on the verge of a breakdown, so naturally he seeks her out just to ensure she has no chance of moving on. This scene is an emotional one. Everyone has an Alex, the boyfriend your friends hate but you can’t get over, and it’s sad watching Juliette fall right into his trap again. He’s only sweet to you when he thinks you’re moving on!! He wants you as a safety net! Run the other way! It was particularly sad to see her drunkenly admit she still loved him. Hated it for her. If only there were some life-altering event involving Alex that would finally help Juliette put this chapter to rest forever. We’ll just have to wait and see…

How much allegiance does your hairdresser owe you? Most people form a pretty tight bond with the person cutting their hair. Not only do you entrust your hairdresser with your appearance and whatever gossip you share while getting your head massaged – you also trust them not to murder you even though they could easily slit your throat with scissors!! I know you’re pondering that ethical dilemma, but dropetté because it’s time to cut to the feeling!

 Okay, we’re starting off with Amanda and Chloe at the beach, discussing Cara’s freakoutté in the last episode, which is great because I want to rewind and delve further into it. The more I watch it, the less it makes sense. Why would the producers intervene? They barely stepped in when Juliette started hitting Chloe and Amanda – why whisk Cara away just for yelling that no one graduated high school for the fortieth time? Well, I hope you’re a fan of conspiracy theories because have I got one for you. I believe that the producers instructed Alex to push a fabricated storyline involving Cara cheating on G Baby. I’m guessing that they figured Cara would either go along with it, or that she’d get angry, (because that’s her job…) but what they didn’t predict was that Cara had reached her breaking point. Instead of screaming at Alex, (which is what they tried to play this off as,) I think she was screaming at the producers about the utter fakeness of the show. She was tired of constantly being painted as the villain. Which is why they ultimately removed her from the boat. It would also explain the choppy editing and the fact that she dropped out of the show. Thoughts? Opinions? I don’t care, I’m right. Let’s move on.

Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for – ALYSSA’S SIESTA KEY DEBUT! Who is Alyssa, you ask? LET ME EXPLAIN. Alyssa is Alex’s long-time family friend and current baby mama! She is also Juliette’s former friend from FSU and – you guessed it – HAIRDRESSER. Hairdresser! Has she no decency!? If you’re a friend, feel free to date my ex, but if you’re my hairdresser?! Dream on, bitch! I swear to God, the day Savannah (my hairdresser) starts dating my ex?! Utter chaos! Sadly, Juliette was warned that her hairdresser was a sneaky brownnoser with a hidden agenda. In last season, we witnessed a Chloe and Juliette blowuppé caused by Juliette’s pesky hairdresser! Her OWN HAIRDRESSER told Chloe she was talking shit. While that would be more than enough for me to say goodbye, Juliette kind of has this pattern of ignoring people’s many glaring red flags, idk if you’ve noticed it though, it’s something not many people know about her.

 Anyways, this is a betrayal worse than JC and Brutus, worse than JC and Judas, and dare I say – even worse than that time in Stephanie Meyer’s third American novel in the Twilight Series – Eclipse, when Bella, desperate to stop Jacob from fighting in werewolf form against the savage newborn vampire army Victoria and her new lover Riley had created, kisses Jacob in what she claims is an attempt to get him to stay with her in the safety of the tent, but what we know is an act of love and a direct betrayal of Vampire Edward. It hurts to even think about it. And right after they got engaged? Bella, you can be so heartless. But is this funny because we find out later that even though Alex may find Alyssa to be hotter than Juliette, he literally doesn’t like her. Ouch!

Wait – he doesn’t like her? I thought she was with child – his child! Well, you’re right, she is carrying a small Shrek Alex inside of her uterus, but I guess having someone’s child doesn’t actually force them to like you. Who knew? Would have saved me a lot of grief to have that intel, let me tell you. LOL!! Anyways, we know he doesn’t like Alyssa because he told Juliette to her face that he doesn’t like Alyssa. After Juliette and Boring Robby: The Liar have yet another unsuccessful (and boring) conversation about Alex, Juliette ignores his wishes and goes to see Alex for the first time since the breakuppé anyways. But before we discuss their conversation, I need to get something off my chest. I get a distinctly strange Fatherly vibe from Boring Robby when he and Juliette talk, and it’s so unsettling. Maybe it’s the never-ending rip off of Confucius quotes that spill out of his mouth hole uncontrollably? Seriously, Boring Robby’s only talent (besides stealing) is word vomiting random phrases that don’t pertain to the topic of conversation whatsoever. I mean, “That’s like sitting in the driver’s seat, moving forward, while watching the rearview mirror.” Intern, get this philosopher a quill, some ink, and a Pulitzer Prize…STAT!

Juliette and Alex’s talk goes just about as well as it could possibly go. (It goes horribly.) Luckily, we got some genuine dynamite quotes from the exchange. I was geeking watching this because Juliette has this wonderful habit of exercising exactly zero willpower when it comes to Alex, so we truly get a look inside her brain during this convo. Like she literally can’t control what she says. Maybe that’s why she’s dating Boring Robby. He can’t stop quoting Seventeen Magazine, and Juliette can’t stop herself from screaming “You haven’t found a girl that’s hotter than me” at her ex. It’s one and the same. When Alex and Juliette sit down to talk, it gets heated pretty quickly. Alex admits that he’s not over Juliette, and even though he has “found a girl (or ten) hotter than [Juliette]”, he “hasn’t found a girl [he] likes more than [Juliette].” Juliette brings up Alex’s threating texts to Boring Robby, there are tears from both parties, and Juliette drives off. It’s like, I get why you wanted to, but really Juliette – how did you think this would go?

Okay so let’s take a break from all of this Jalex drama. As much as I love it – wow it’s exhausting! Cut to: BG and Amanda getting steamy in the hot tub! Unfortunately for Brandon, the only thing he’s getting is a steaming pile of rejection. When BG asks Amanda to be official, presumably because he’s worried about her ex, she tells him she doesn’t want to put a label on it. Cringe! Meanwhile, Kelsey and her new friend Jake seem to be getting close, and no – I didn’t mean to type “Jared.” That’s right, Kelsey is up to her usual antics and starting to date multiple guys at once again, finally! As Jake, who is also Robby’s best friend, tearfully confides in Kelsey about his sick father, Kelsey reassuringly responds, “Clearly you have a good shoulder on your head. Your Dad has raised you right.” Normally I would crucify her for this blunder, but she’s been so great this season that I’ll let it slide. Kind of.

 This is me not letting it slide.

Time for Amanda’s party! The first fun thing that happens is that Chloe and Juliette finally makeup, thank GOD because I like both of them infinitely more when they’re friends. The second fun thing is that even though noble Juliette leaves Boring Robby at home out of respect for Alex, Alex walks in holding her – gasp – HAIRDRESSER’S hand. Mike drop, Alex! Jake, Kelsey’s new love interest and Robby’s BFF, makes a sly comment about Alex which TOTALLY comes back to bite him in the ass when none other than shit-stirrer Chloe decides to blow up his spot – but we’ll get to that later. For now, Juliette’s just trying to keep her cool. Respect!

Juliette has been keeping it under control until Amanda confronts her about the lost phone. As we know, Amanda suspects Robby of stealing her phone. And based on Juliette’s face, he is guilty as charged. Juliette breaks down and tells Amanda that Boring Robby threw her phone in the ocean. Surprisingly, Amanda is really nice to Juliette about it, so major props! I think Amanda knows Juliette didn’t have anything to do with the phone and is probably very overwhelmed since she’s being filmed while her ex-boyfriend and ex-hairdresser are making out in front of her face while she’s trying to repair relationships with her best friends. So good for Amanda. Now that Juliette has her friends back, she’s ready for anything. Well, almost anything.

The party’s going too well, so Chloe decides to stir the pot and tell Alex that Jake called him a “sociopath” as Jake is sitting right next to him. Alex immediately dares him to define the word sociopath. This is particularly hilarious because just last week, Alex asked Cara to define the word slander. Why is his go-to insult asking people if they know the Merriam Webster definition of various words? Like next thing you know, you’re going to be asking me how to spell it and use it in a sentence. This isn’t Scripps. Anyways, before Jake can even try to define it, Alex steps in and defines sociopath as “Someone that obsesses over multiple things, that is um…very uh…self-centered, I guess you could say.” SO close, buddy! But no cigar. He truly puts the dick in dictionary, am I right?! His new girlfriend also channels his dick vibe and waltzes up to Juliette to “talk.” I love when people decide to “talk” to Juliette when she’s wasted and vulnerable. Leave Juliette alone! Luckily, Alyssa ends up looking like a complete idiot. She’s condescending, rude, and acts like Juliette has no reason to be thrown off. Even when Alex comes up, Juliette stands her ground and remains fairly level-headed. Alyssa walks away to let the two hash it out, but then proceeds to scream from across the room for Alex to come stand next to her, and admits defeat by confiding in her friends that “he still loves Juliette.” Stay in your lane, sweetie. You’re just a rebound. (Until you get knocked up…but we don’t know that yet.) See you next week.  

Since it’s the fourth episode, I’d like to commend Siesta Key for making reality TV history by breaking down the fourth wall in quite literally every episode of this season. *Golf clap!*  Also, if you pride yourself in having graduated from the University of Tampa, don’t read this. You’ve been warned, so let’s cut to the feeling! 

As much as I love Juliette, I have to say that Boring Robby: The Liar, is seriously bringing her down. I’m yawning watching Juliette “debate” whether or not she should go to Greece with Robby or stay in the Key to work retail for her fake job! First of all, spoiler alert! She chose Greece. Social media told me in May. Second of all, MTV, retire this storyline! Anyone else feel like this is eerily reminiscent of the whole LC choosing love in LA instead of Teen Vogue in Paris fiasco? Except in this version, Juliette is working retail at an unopened boutique in Florida, and no one’s exactly trying to sweep in and steal her job. Well, maybe a 16-year-old at the local high school. The only truly interesting part about this storyline is when Juliette’s boss calls her out for punching Chloe. I’d fully panic if my boss called me out for punching someone, even if she was my fake boss.

While Juliette is neglecting her “career,” Chloe and Alex are just starting theirs under the watchful eye of none other than Gary Kompothecras. Now if you don’t know Dr. Gary, you’re missing out. Often referred to as “1-800-ASK-GARY” down in Sarasota, this personal injury lawyer happens to be the mastermind behind this incredible show. Well, mastermind is a bit of an overstatement, but he is an executive producer. And on camera. And Alex’s Dad. And singlehandedly footed the bill for the entire pilot. Gary is a total asshole and also my hero. Anyways, he’s just acquired the Crescent Club, which Gary claims is “famous,” but really it’s just a random dive bar. That’s right, for the small price of three million dollars, the Crescent Club is now a part of the Kompothecras estate and apparently going to be run by Alex and Chloe. Since Gary prides himself on being a successful businessman, it’s quite shocking that he’s entrusting his brain-dead son and his son’s horrible frenemy to run a bar together, but hey, who am I to question the doctor?

The only business Brandon and Amanda are up to is the MONKEY kind! These two are seriously hitting it off - but their exes are starting to interfere. BG just revealed to Amanda that Madisson was talking shit, so she wastes zero-time confronting Madisson. The conversation starts out awkwardly as Madisson implies that while Amanda is a fun friend and probably fun to have sex with, she is by no means wifey material. It was honestly great watching Madisson trip over her words and then start to cry about being long distance with her Dad boyfriend when she couldn’t quite recover from the insult. Eventually, she apologized though, probably because she didn’t want Amanda to punch her in the face, so now the problem isn’t Brandon’s ex – it’s Amanda’s.

 Finally, a classiqué boat day! It’s been a while since the gang has gathered to day drink on Alex’s boat, and I’m so excited to watch their day crash and burn. Tension is immediately in the air as Kelsey learns Cara will be attending (without Victoria, ugh) and when Amanda learns that her ex of three years, JJ, will also be there. Yikes! Amanda is SO SHOCKED and thrown off because she “hasn’t seen him in a while.” To Amanda, “a while” must mean less than seven days, because I’m pretty sure, no wait, I’m absolutely positive he was at Brandon’s party earlier in the week. Another classic MTV storyline error. And the producers want us to believe that the show isn’t scripted…right. I do give them props for doing literally everything in their power to make us believe it’s all real, hence the “breaking of the fourth wall” in EVERY EPISODE. Overkill? Maybe. But very fun? Yes!

I know I’ve shown this screenshot already but one more time for the people in the back

After JJ shows up on his tricked out orange boat that screams “my dick is HUGE”, he introduces himself to Brandon as if he wasn’t just attending his small birthday party earlier in the week. Oh, MTV. Amanda begins blowing off BG because he doesn’t have tribal tattoos, own a boat, or know how to wakeboard. Seriously Brandon, not knowing how to wakeboard after growing up on the Key? What are you, stupid? As Amanda flirts with her long lost ex whom she hasn’t seen in years, Alex and Cara are striking up a flirtation. Chloe uncomfortably spies on them – not only because she’s shaking with jealousy, but also because she told Alex a secret about Cara earlier in the episode. Even though Cara insists that she’s never cheated on G Baby, Chloe seems confident that she fooled around with her ex in New Jersey. I guess Chloe’s just got to count on Alex keeping his mouth shut. If only this were last season.

Alex doesn’t keep his mouth shut, and literal chaos ensues. After being accused of cheating, Cara, a self-proclaimed serial cheater, is so taken aback that she has a complete meltdown on camera. Cut to – five glorious minutes of Cara screaming about how no one finished high school and everyone is poor. I love how that’s Cara’s go-to insult. First of all, it’s inaccurate, because every main cast member on the show has, in fact, finished high school. Second of all, Cara, where on earth did you get the idea that you’re so educated? You went to the University of Tampa for God’s sake. Not exactly Harvard, sweetie! You claim to be rich, but you’re clearly not rich enough to buy your way into, Harvard, for example, which seems to be all the rage these days. Next time you try to flex on how rich and intelligent you are, try being richer and more intelligent. Cara’s freakoutté is so severe that GASP – the PRODUCERS intervene!

We have now had the pleasure of meeting two additional producers (who aren’t Ish or Gary) on screen, all to convince the viewers that this show isn’t scripted. Pro tip - just stop with the blatant editing errors, social media spoilers, and reused storylines. After Cara is forcibly removed, the rest of the cast is in utter disbelief, and we’re left wondering: Will Cara return to the Key? This is like that time in the Twilight Saga: New Moon when Bella had just woken up after returning from Italy and sleeping for fourteen hours straight. Once she had established that she wasn’t having a schizophrenic vision - Edward had really returned to Forks - she begins agonizing over the potential return of the Volturi. Will they come back for her before she turns into a vampire, or won’t they!? Just as Bella had to wait for Stephanie Meyer to create two more magnificent novels to learn her fate, we will have to wait until next Tuesday to learn about Cara’s. End scene.

Let me start off by congratulating the producers – not you Ish – on this great episode. I finally feel like we’re back to THE SHOW. Not a weird Bachelor spin-off with minimal drama and blatantly horrible editing (see: Juliette’s grad party scene, where Chloe’s nails change color DURING THE PARTY.) Nope, we’re done with that and back to the good stuff, so on that note, let’s cut to the feeling.

Come ON MTV it’s like you weren’t even trying. And yes, I created this, and no, I don’t have a life.

I know I’m going to like an episode when it starts off with the angelic sounds of my lord and savior, Ariana Grande. As break up with ur girlfriend, i’m bored plays, we zoom into Cara’s house. Personally, I’m hoping to see Victoria. Alas – it’s just Cara…and Garrett. God, Garrett STOP. Your ex-girlfriend has already outlined exactly how Cara is using you – since she did the exact same thing - and you’re still asking Cara on dates? This is so cringe. Where’s Victoria?!

Even though Garrett can’t score a date, Brandon can! Maybe instead of asking Cara to go look at babies, you should ask her to rollerblade, G Baby. As Amanda and Brandon glide around the Key, we learn that Brandon is celebrating his 24th birthday on Friday! And it’s “24, Like, Karat Gold Slash, Like, Pirate, Sort Of” themed, of course! He debates whether or not to invite Juliette while giving us viewers amazing helmet safety tips. Meanwhile, after Cara has removed G Baby from her property, she makes her way to Chloe’s to checkuppé on her. This is where we learn that Chloe has officially called the cops and filed a police report. I have a lot of opinions, but more on this later.

Okay, something I haven’t touched on because I wish it wasn’t happening I haven’t had time is that Kelsey and Jared have sparked a little romance. If you don’t remember, while Kelsey was dating her random LA boyfriend, Jared was the 86th person she cheated on him with. I see this going well! I mean, it always works out when you leave someone you cheated on for the person you cheated with. Right? Plus, there’s Twisted Tea and mudding involved, so Kelsey can rest assured she’ll be going on sophisticated and expensive dates instead of the shitty and poor dates that Garrett used to take her on.

FINALLY, the C + V scene I need and deserve. Donning a black one-piece that contrasts perfectly with her frozen fruity pink drink, Victoria is effortlessly exuding two polar opposite, chaotic energies. I’m getting “sassy”, but I’m also getting “I’ll fuck you up if you insult my 90’s Quiksilver skater shoes.” AKA, I’m getting Avril during the Girlfriend era. And I love it. As she floats next to Cara in the pool and shockingly proclaims that she’s not into guys, (what?!) I’m on my knees praying to God himself that she become a main cast member vis-à-vis a relationship with Cara. It’s Victoria’s show, and we’re all just living in it, baby. After Cara’s bizarre comment about how her parents punish her by locking her in their wine cellar (weird flex, but okay) Victoria giggles about how dumb Garrett is and we move on.

We leave C and V for a Madisson and Kelsey reunion, but it’s not a happy one. Madisson delivers the unfortunate news that Chloe may be pressing charges. Oh no! I would be really upset by this, but I can’t focus on the content of Madisson’s words because of how she’s delivering them. Madisson, we fully understand that you’ve been to an acting class in LA because you won’t shuttupé about it, so you can stop over-enunciating everything that comes out of your mouth. Thanks!

After Kelsey tells Juliette about her impending stint in Florida prison, she gets understandably upset. Luckily, Boring Robby is there to teach Juliette how to apologize. Don’t say he never did anything for her! I want to point out that Kelsey truly has been redeeming herself this season. She’s been pretty level headed and a very good friend. If only Boring Robby could do the same… Later in the day, Kelsey confronts Robby about another thing Madisson spilled during their meetup. Apparently, while Juliette was fighting everyone last week, Boring Robby had the audacity to applaud her! How gauche. Boring Robby vehemently denies these claims, saying, “Always take the high road, because the low road is way too crowded,” and, “Silence is the best way to react to a fool, and happiness is the best revenge.” First of all, stop lying about things that were FILMED on national television. You’re now Boring Robby: The Liar. Second of all, why are you the human embodiment of my ninth grade Pinterest quotes board?

Grab your pillows and sleeping bags because we are heading to a SLUMBER PARTY! But before anyone can start braiding each other’s hair, Chloe begins to stir the pot, yet again. She delights in bringing up Brandon and Amanda’s new relationship right in front of Madisson. But to distract from the awkwardness, Amanda changes the subject to her missing phone. After the fight, she lost her phone and no one has been able to find it. She starts to give us a play-by-play analysis of why and how she thinks Boring Robby: The Liar stole it. I’m sorry, am I watching Joe Goldberg on You, or am I watching Amanda on Siesta Key? 

It’s the day of the BG’s bday, and I’m so excited to see everyone’s 24 Karat Gold Slash Like Pirate themed outfits! They don’t disappoint - G Baby and Victoria are even matching!! I’ve never screamed so loudly in my life. Garrett obviously refuses to drink, and we’re off to the party. But first, there’s one guest who needs to arrive.

As Alex descends from his family’s PJ strapped with Louis luggage, a BEER, and fresh digs straight from the Siesta Key mall, I can feel the blood coming back into my body. I can feel individual atoms multiplying. I can feel my soul re-entering my empty, hollow frame. I feel exactly like Bella in the fourth Twilight novel, Breaking Dawn. After her half-human, half-vampire baby has eaten its way out of her uterine lining, Edward is forced to do the unthinkable: steal Bella’s mortal soul by turning her into a vampire so she has a shot to survive. (It’s the second time in the series that vampire Edward is forced to resist sucking all of Bella’s enticing blood to save her – that’s true love.) As she starts to respond to his venom, each and every one of her cells begins to freeze over and restore life to her body. Suddenly, she is awake. Her vision is sharp, her mind is clear, and she’s never looked better. And that’s EXACTLY how I felt as Alex exited his plane.

I expect nothing less than for Alex to arrive at BG’s party with three underage Ukrainian mail-order brides. And he doesn’t disappoint. Unfortunately for the brides, he immediately begins discussing relationships with Cara. It’s fun to see Cara pride herself in not cheating on people for the past year. I kind of feel like that should be a given, but okay. As they’re undressing each other with their eyes talking, Garrett is having an interesting convo of his own. Classic Chloe starts stirring the pot AGAIN by telling Garrett that Cara is using him. Really Chloe? Cara is supposed to be your best friend. What’s more shocking is that VICTORIA starts to betray Cara as well. This causes an immediate fight between Carrett. They leave the party and start screaming at each other in the jungle. I’m so enraptured by the fight that I momentarily forget they’re at a themed party and fixate on Garrett’s outfit. Why am I watching Garrett Miller scream in a jungle dressed as a pirate? Oh, right. Anyways.

Even though Cara and G Baby are scream fighting, the party continues to rage on. And everyone is makingoutté. Kelsey and Jared, Amanda and Brandon... something is in the air! It must be the pirate theme. #LetsGetScurvy. But one person isn’t feeling the love – Madisson. With Dad gone, she has no one to kish. Clearly bothered by watching her friend and ex-boyfriend eat each other’s faces, Madisson decides to give Brandon the sad news that Amanda is using him. Whether or not she is, Madisson has no right to give her opinion on the matter. And BG says exactly that. Good for him! Another person surprisingly not making out with someone is Alex. He’s too busy being an asshole to Kelsey and telling anyone who will listen that Boring Robby is bad news. Probably true, but literally no one can be worse than he is, except maybe Pauly Paul. In other news, WHERE IS PAUL.

Unfortunately, the next scene doesn’t involve Pauly or Victoria – just Chloe and Juliette. Juliette shows up after Chloe gets out of work to hopefully avoid jailtime hash things out. Now strap in because I’m about to explain exactly where I stand with the Chloe/Juliette drama, and if you aren’t completely focused, please take a 10mg Adderall, wait ten minutes, and check back in.

Okay, hopefully, you’ve taken amphetamines and can really dial in. Here goes: I realize that Chloe is a necessary evil - it’s an indisputable fact that there would be no show without her antics. No one is as shameless when it comes to talking shit and completely ruining their friendships for the sake of television. And for that, I deeply respect Chloe. (I realize that sounds sarcastic but I am dead serious. Thank you for taking one for the team, Chloe.) But I simply cannot stand when she gets what’s coming to her then plays the innocent victim. Obviously, violence is not cool, and Juliette should be embarrassed by her behavior. But Chloe knew exactly what the outcome of that conversation would be. She was banking on a wasted Juliette reacting horribly. With Chloe, you simply cannot win. Earlier in this episode, Chloe verbatim says to Madisson and Cara, “If the roles were reversed, I would have shown up at her house, apologizing.”

Now cut to this scene, where Chloe verbatim says to Juliette (after Juliette shows up at her workplace) “I really don’t know why you’re here, so if you can please leave and leave me alone.”

Juliette said it best herself – “Chloe is my best friend when I’m miserable. When I’m actually thriving…this type of stuff happens.” Let’s take a moment to analyze the similarities and differences of how Chloe and the rest of the cast handled Chloe’s altercation with Amanda during season one, in which Amanda broke Chloe’s nose and sent her to surgery. After sending Chloe to the hospital, Amanda justifies her actions by saying that Chloe started it first. So everyone is okay with Amanda decking Chloe. The fact is, Chloe started it first here, too. Chloe swatted at Juliette’s hand first. So why did everyone grab coffee with Amanda, but ostracize Juliette? Amanda even had a sit-down conversation with Chloe after her surgery expecting Chloe to apologize. The inconsistencies and hypocrisy present…I CANNOT.

Before we get into the intricacies of this subpar episode, I want you to close your eyes, inhale, and reflect: is the guy you’re dating your boyfriend, or is he a father figure to you? Think about it. Now let’s cut to the feeling.

I don’t know about you, but seeing a groggy Old Man Ish clumsily lumber around in a backwards hat and a short-sleeved gorilla tee while holding his morning coffee made me immediately sick. And I’m just watching it on TV. Imagine being Madisson and waking up to that. Like, yes, this show is my sole will to live, but even I can’t stomach this. It really can’t get worse. Oh my God. Ish just described Brandon as “agro.” It did get worse. 

Thank god Ish is finally off my screen and I’m back to looking at G baby and BG. Appetite restored. Jared’s also there, so I’m unable to entirely recover from the Ish debacle, but I guess this is the best I can hope for. And may I just add that I am absolutely loving this playful “boys” scene? Seeing the guys boolin with their goon squad is bringing the vibes up big time. BG doesn’t even seem upset about Dadisson – in fact, he begins talking about a potential budding romance with Amanda! And just like that, we’re back on track.  

Strap in. The scene I’ve been waiting for. Dadisson’s reveal to her actual, biological father. Fade in. Jon, Madisson’s bio dad, is seated outside at a cute restaurant, completely unaware of the bomb that is about to explode in his face. As he looks up and sees his daughter walking over with her former producer, you can see the confusion setting in. Wait, what? Why is my youngest daughter walking in with Ish, the show’s old producer? Isn’t she supposed to be introducing me to her boyfriend? Oh, no . . . I think at that point, Jon must know, but he’s remaining willfully ignorant for as long as possible. And I get that, Jon. I do.

 Ish has this special oafish trudge that seriously makes him look like some sort of ogre and I am absolutely living for it. When the lovebirds take their seats, a dark cloud rolls over the Key. Reality sets in. Madisson starts telling her real father about her new Daddy, and my heart is racing. After establishing their respective ages, Jon takes a deep breath and calmly asks the most uncomfortable question your Dad could ever ask you about your boyfriend: “Is he a father figure to you?”

Let’s decompress. This has to be one of the rawest scenes on reality TV, so pour one out for Jon, who at this point was undoubtedly racking his brain trying to recall the exact moment he fucked Madisson up so badly that she now actively chooses to bang 50-year olds. I feel bad for you, Jon. Back to the show.

Madisson is crying, Jon is reeling over his mistakes, and Ish is trying to defend his relationship. As for me, I have one question: could Siesta Key have provided these poor souls with drinks before forcing them to do this on camera?

After that cringey scene, I’m more than happy to watch Amanda and BG have a SPICY meetuppé. Unfortunately, Amanda begins serving me really strange vibes and I’m kind of scared of her. There’s too much licking involved on this date and I’m not interested. Let’s cut to the next scene, where Madisson and Brandon meet to hopefully get closure.

Finally, we get a glimpse of the breakuppé timeline! If you remember correctly, Season 2 ended with us thinking we’d get a glorious Bradisson reunion in Season 3. Alas, we have Dadisson instead. Please don’t misconstrue this as a complaint, because it’s very far from that. I’m just a little confused as to how Dadisson came about, and apparently, so is BG. Madisson explains that after she moved to LA, she no longer felt connected to Brandon. Two months after breaking things off, she began taking to Ish. Brandon isn’t buying it. He’s convinced their relationship has been brewing for some time. Personally, I believe her. She’s never lied and I think Brandon is projecting his own issues onto Madisson. Thoughts?

Lots of tough conversations today – now we’re at Cara’s waiting anxiously for her to drop the news we all knew was coming from the moment she started dating Garrett. That she wants to break up. I think now is as good a time as any to unpack Garrett’s love life. Garrett. Get it together. The whole “hot but stupid” narrative is something the producers are pushing . . . right? You cannot possibly be this idiotic IRL. But love is blinding, I guess. Garrett was cheated on by Kelsey (with Alex), used by Juliette to make someone jealous (Alex), and used by Cara to piss off Kelsey and Juliette (and Alex.) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me three times, and you can call me Garrett Miller.

 Okay, time for Kelsey and Juliette’s housewarming / rosé party! That had to be the whitest sentence I’ve ever written. The party begins and everyone seems to be in good spirits. Side note – I really applaud the film crew for catching everything that they do. They even got a short clip of Garrett having difficulty opening the front door and included it to perpetuate the very true belief that Garrett is actually a failed artificial intelligence robot project gone wrong.

Chloe arrives with a shot ski, but “Con Artist” Robby has to one-up her by bringing a TV. She’s convinced he’s bringing it to make up for how small his dick is. Boys, you heard it here first – don’t even THINK about bringing a TV to a party unless you want everyone to know how small your penis is! Madisson’s not even paying attention to Boring Robby’s embarrassing genital blunder because she’s too busy eyeing Amanda and Brandon. She even has the audacity to whisper, “I just hope he has the best intentions.” Right, because Ish definitely has the best intentions with you. Okay, Madisson.

 Notably missing from the soirée is Cara and my new favorite cast member, Victoria. Kelsey obviously vetoed Cara’s invite, so C and V decided to get a romantic relaxing beachside massage instead. Cara begins explaining that she’s only stringing Garrett along because he functions as her safety net. Meanwhile, at the party, Juliette is having to spell this out to simple Garrett. He looks glum. Suddenly, Garrett’s “unhappy hour” t-shirt seems much more fitting.

 Chloe and Amanda are in a corner, and shocker, they’re talking shit about Juliette and Robby. Juliette overhears, confronts them, and tensions rise. Chloe and Juliette step outside to discuss it further, and it becomes very apparent to me that Juliette is utterly plastered. Chloe is basically sober. What could go wrong?

 Everything! Chloe starts off by asking Juliette what she thinks about their friendship. Obviously, these two have a sordid past, but Juliette is literally too blackout to articulate anything, so Chloe’s immediately won this before it even really begins. Towards the end of the conversation, Juliette starts wagging her finger in Chloe’s face. Chloe slaps it away, so naturally, Juliette retaliates by PUNCHING HER IN THE HEAD. Juliette, I love you, and I’m normally on your side, but this is just not a good lewk. Chloe is straight chilling while Juliette attempts to rip out her extensions. So of course, Chloe looks like the normal one, and Juliette looks like she’s on The Bad Girls Club instead of Siesta Key. Hopefully, she’ll learn a lesson from this, because violence is never the answer!

Unfortunately, Juliette doesn’t learn that lesson! As soon as Amanda steps in to break up the fight, Juliette also tries to hit her. She also can’t understand why Amanda is being so harsh when Amanda was the one who punched Chloe in the face and broke her nose two years ago. Which I feel like is valid! Everyone is screaming, running around and fighting. Genuine chaos. Anarchy. The only person there who is remaining calm is Brandon. He is quite literally the human embodiment of Switzerland. Immediately I’m reminded of that part in Twilight’s third book, Eclipse, when Bella is forced to be the voice of reason and soothe the tensions between vampire Edward and werewolf Jacob. In order to fight the vampire army that Victoria’s newborn lover has created, the vampires and werewolves must put aside their inherent differences and join forces. If not, they could totally ravage Seattle, travel to the quaint town of Forks, and potentially eat Police Chief Charlie Swan!! By becoming a neutral Switzerland, Bella narrowly avoids this horrific fate. Like Bella, Brandon remains neutral in a time of utter disaster. Thanks, Brandon. But more importantly, thank YOU, Stephanie Meyer.

 Kelsey swiftly removes everyone from her home and starts looking for Amanda’s lost phone while Boring Robby hugs Juliette and tries to make her feel better about being the worst. And Kelsey standing around in the background after having to forcibly remove all her friends from her property while her roommate makes out with her boyfriend is such a vibe.

Okay everyone, Siesta Key just ended and I must say – I’m overall VERY pleased with the premiere of Season 3. Even though I know everything that’s happening in this season because I created a reddit account specifically for access to a thread dedicated to all things SK, and because they posted everything that happens on the Siesta Key Instagram, I was still shocked by one thing: how much I enjoyed the episode. Let’s cut to the feeling.

Fade in. There he is – the mystery man I’ve been dying to meet – SCOTT. That’s right, Fabienne’s husband. You may know him as Juliette’s Father. Chic French queen Fabienne and confused husband Scott congratulate Juliette on her graduation from FSU and suggest she become an attorney. Juliette has plans of her own – retail. They look elated. After making a weird sex joke to her Dad, and having visible difficulty adjusting to her new veneers, Juliette has graduated, the scene is over, and I am feeling great about the season.

If you’ve ever watched SK, you know three things for sure. 1. Juliette is a hideous crier. 2. Canvas’ Mother has a complete lack of understanding when it comes to parenting. 3. Kelsey and Juliette do NOT get along. UNTIL NOW! It’s very exciting to see their first scene as not only friends – but also roomies! Even though Kelsey’s bizarrely shaped eyebrows, over plumped fake lips and orange spray tan make me feel like she must have NO real friends, because certainly, they wouldn’t let her butcher her appearance so thoroughly, she and Juliette seem to get along swimmingly by talking mad shit about Chloe. We love to see women supporting women by talking shit about other women.

Chloe, you minx! Chloe pulls up to Alex’s mansion in a Bentley toting about ten designer bags and a serious attitude. After she explains to his mother that she’s taken it upon herself to pickuppe some “luxury” clothing items for Alex in Sarasota, Florida, even though he’s quite literally in EUROPE, she also *subtly!* drops that he’s left behind his personal credit card for her own use. Weird brag, but more importantly: cha-ching! After talking shit about Juliette to a grown woman, they switch the conversation to Madisson’s new man. Queue Malibu by Miley Cyrus. Ma-jor props to whoever created the playlist for this epi.

After a stunning underwater montage from Florida to Cali, we see aspiring model/actress Maddison walking into a dinner date. Even though Chloe’s just gabbed to Alex’s mother that Braddison is no more, I still half expect BG to pop up and hold the door open for Madi. Just kidding, I don’t, because the producers of this show spilled quite literally every twist before it aired. Wait, speaking of producers – who is Madisson on a date with? Oh, it’s “ISH”, the FORTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD, BALD, AND OVERWEIGHT FORMER PRODUCER OF SIESTA KEY. Unlike Juliette’s father, Scott, I’ve met Madisson’s Dad before, so it’s not immediately apparent to me as to why she has serious Daddy issues. I’m hoping the root of this unfolds during the season. Ish, or “baby” as Madisson calls him, (again, he’s 46, so I’m not sure “baby” is the most fitting nickname, but to each her own) decides it will be totally normal to jet back to the key and surprise the children he used to exploit the cast with the announcement of his new relationship. I can’t wait.

Okay, we’re back at a dinner date – but a much more age-appropriate one between Juliette and her new man, former bachelorette contestant, Robby. I’m not a bachelor franchise fan and unfortunately for Robby, I’m NOT a Robby fan either. He’s not hot and he’s not cool. That’s literally it. Discussing this further would be a waste. Oh, it’s worth noting that new roomies Chloe and Madisson also meetuppe during this time to discuss Madisson and Ish. (Mish, if you will. Some prefer Dadisson.) Thank you, Chloe, for reacting to the news in a very relatable way by chugging alcohol and hiding in your clothing.

Um, who is this hottie emerging from a PJ? It’s the fabulous Cara, with a new nose! Normally I love to hate her - she has that je ne sais quoi – but right now, I just love her. Removing your nose job bandages on film is the kind of 2020 realness I need in my life. Enter G BABY! We’ve missed you and your utter lack of awareness, Garrett! But the love birds aren’t exactly happily reuniting – there’s def some tension in the air. Uh oh! Cara immediately becomes annoyed that Garrett both broke her heart AND kept his lips shut about her new nose. Poll – would you rather your boyfriend intentionally squeeze your fat as fuck thighs, or neglect to comment on your surgically enhanced face? The choice is yours.

While Juliette’s graduation party is great, if Alex doesn’t throw a start-of-the-summer rager, I’m suing MTV. More specifically, I’m suing YOU, Gary. Anyways, as Juliette and de ghurls are getting ready for the party, Juliette’s asked who she likes boning more – Boring Robby or shrek Alex. She hesitates for a moment but then says Robby. I take that pregnant pause as a confirmation of what I’ve known all along – Alex is great in bed and that’s the only reason Juliette was obsessed with him. (Edit – this has been confirmed on her Instagram story.)

Cut to: Cara, G baby, and Cara’s new androgynous and likely lesbian friend, Victoria, getting drinks. I don’t know what’s more confusing – the fact that Cara claims Victoria is her best friend or the fact that Garrett continues to piss Cara off by defending Kelsey while she incessantly brings her up.

Party time! But it wouldn’t be a party without Chloe intervening in something that has nothing to do with her in an attempt to destroy Juliette’s happiness. While wearing a Kentucky derby inspired hat/headband, nonetheless! Chloe and Amanda sit down with Boring Robby the second he arrives to grill him with some genual questions about his “intentions” with Juliette. And I can’t help but immediately think of that scene in Twilight when Police Chief Charlie Swan pulls out his shotgunné to intimidate his daughter’s 108-year-old vampire soul mate. Thank you, Catherine Hardwicke/ Stephanie Meyers, for this image.

At this point, I have to question Chloe’s sexuality because I can’t think of a single other reason as to why she would be so invested in Juliette’s relaysh with Robby. Is he a “phony”, simply using Juliette for fame? Maybe! But aren’t they all kind of doing that anyway? It’s like, they’re on a reality show for God’s sake. After Boring Robby says absolutely nothing of interest, (read: BORING Robby,) something actually exciting happens. Kelsey slithers over to publicly flirt with G baby in an attempt to piss off Cara, and it totally WORKS! Nice!

The second Cara sees Kelsey and G baby talking, her eyes fill with fire and she almost burns her new nose off. It’s funny that she portrays herself as such a sophisticated, cosmopolitan gal, yet she’s so blatantly insecure about trashy Kelsey and Garrett, the braindead body of meat, talking about absolutely nothing. Stop slumming it and start dating Zaddies like Madisson!

After Garrett tells Kelsey that Cara has banned him from talking to her, Kelsey marches up to Cara, grabs her by the hand, and you just KNOW the rumors are true – World War III is HAPPENING! Kelsey and Cara immediately establish that they’re not each other’s “kind of person”, and then Kelsey tells Cara that she can’t wait for Cara’s “life to explode.” Cara fires back with the ULTIMATE diss, claiming that Kelsey doesn’t even have her GED! We find out this is, in fact, not true via Instagram, thanks to Kelsey’s iconic photo of none other than GARRETT holding her on her graduation day. Okay, high school level educated kween! Go off!

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Here’s the thing: I dislike Cara and Kelsey, both for entirely different reasons, but IMO, Kelsey won this round. Cara came off as insecure, psychotic, and just plain mean! Cara, a word of advice? Stop gallivanting around tacky Florida and return home to America’s Kingdom – New Jersey.

 Pay close attention everyone - we’re almost done and you’re about to witness reality show television HISTORY. And it is a BAG. OF. WEIRD. After Boring Robby buys Juliette a trip to Greece, Madisson and her new Dad man walk in, and EVERYONE IS SHOOK. Seriously. The cast is genuinely shocked. Please note their faces when Madisson and Ish waltz into Juliette’s grad party hand in hand. Arguably the most thrown off person of all, of course, is BG. He hastily confronts his former producer, and refers to Ish’s relationship with his ex as a “bag of weird.” Honestly, Brandon, I have to agree with you. And so does literally everyone else in the world.

After Brandon huffs, puffs, and exits, everyone gets over the initial shock of Madisson’s upsettingly old “boy”friend and the episode winds down. But there’s one twist. We learn via Chloe’s texts that Alex is on his way back from Europe. Probably wearing all the luxe clothes Chloe shipped him from Siesta Key. Because who trusts European clothes, am I right? Anyways, something tells me that Boring Robby doesn’t stand a chance once Alex touches down on the Key. But we’ll have to wait until next week to find out.