Welcome to #TheBachelor week 1. 

It’s the New Year, which means America’s beloved Bachelor franchise is back to remind us the lengths we go to to find love and how low our standards have become for reality television (or just - dare I say love in general? #singleladies). Grab your rosé, your best gal pals, and turn up the volume because we’re about to embark on yet another “journey” to “find love” for the “right reasons”. 

Last season we were graced with the angel that is Rachel Lindsay, the first black Bachelorette, who put douchebags’ egos in their places, avoided the commitment time bomb that was her relationship with Peter (sorry Peter fans), called out racist BS, and did it all looking amazing. To top it all off, she’s actually going through with it too! (Looking at you, Nick Viall and Vanessa.) So you could say our expectations are through the roof for this season. And since the rest of our world is going to hell in a hand basket, we need something to distract us all! Let’s journey, shall we?

Hopefully, I’m not the only one who has no idea who Arie Luyendyk Jr. is. I started following this enterprise with Andi Dorfman’s season, so I missed the Emily Maynard boat. Chris Harrison has been trying to convince us the power of “Arie”, but TBH I’m not feeling it. On the special last night, Chris Harrison called him “arguably the best kisser we’ve ever had on the show”*. Like, does this guy have a magic penis or something? WHAT IS THE OBSESSION??? (Also, why did I feel like this was a dig at Rachel’s choice and sloppy kisser Bryan?)

It only took like two minutes into the season for Bachelor producers to throw Sean Lowe and his wife Catherine in the mix. Sean seemed like the kind of guy you knew from high school that is really sweet, but Catherine seemed uninterested, and honestly I don’t blame her. Imagine going back to the place you had your first date like seventeen times, except now you have to bring your toddler along too? 

Immediately we have a stellar quote premiering the night’s antics: “hair’s down, boobs are out” (we can thank Chelsea for that gem). After the commercial break, the show starts rolling clips of blonde fit slim women who are praising Arie’s looks and gushing what they hope he holds as a husband/boyfriend/mate. The term “ready for love” is said so many times we can’t keep count**. Stereotypes are filled: we have small town vibes (@Tia), adrenaline junkies (@Maquel), and one clear front runner: single mom Chelsea.

The good news? Most of the featured women actually have careers this season! The bad news? Everyone seems to fit a similar mold of attractiveness (perfect hair, smooth Californian tans, and sweet voices). ABC, where are people who don’t look like models? Where do the rest of us, with regular faces and curves and acne, fall in love? Give us THAT show!

A perk? My favorite, (and I think should be the front runner) Bekah, has short hair which is pretty bomb ass and I’m not the only one who has noticed. I’ve also written about having short hair before, and the pressures of being “unconventionally pretty” so for me this was a exciting, albeit very small, step forward in the right direction.

Time for stepping out of the limo. 

Best first meet and greet? Obv, Bekah who rolled up in a Mustang and is just STUNNING. (Contestant Seinne with her elephant token is a close second, because elephants rock!) 

Most awkward? Tia with her weiner joke, except she did get a “I liked her” from Arie.       

Best limo exit? Definitely Krystal - her red dress was beautiful. (A brief exploitation of homelessness as her tragic story? Not so much. Hopefully we’ll see some real character development there that doesn’t rely solely on her brother’s story and is actually about her awareness for a real social issue.)

Other noteworthy things before moving on to part 2? 13.79 percent of Arie’s contestants are named Lauren. Annaliese made her mark with a costume and the nickname “The Kissing Bandit”, which is just downright tame compared to costumes we have seen in the past (reference Alexis Waters’ shark or dolphin controversy on Nick Viall’s season). From the girl’s faces on the season, they’re shocked anyone showed up in anything but ordinary. (Annaliese’s costume has us flashing back to The Cinderella Story featuring Chad Michael Murray.) Clearly, these contestants are not as cultured in this show as we are, or playful. 

And with that, we end part 1 episode 1 of The Bachelor on ABC. Stay tuned for part 2′s analysis and recap, and more crazed fun. 

*Petition to have Chris Harrison do a spin off where he falls in love with Bachelorette rejects. Or just like, idk a gay/queer bachelor/ette season please?