#alex yapping

I briefly mentioned before being no contact with my mother for a few years; reason being due to a lot of emotional, mental and financial abuse. Every time I tried to talk to her about the way she treated me, literally begging her to stop/ change, she would twist it around into being my problem.

« This wasn’t my intention so if you see it that way, it’s your problem. » « You’re so damn sensitive to get triggered by this. » Or a super sarcastic « Damn I’m sorry. »

She never gave me a genuine apology, never acknowledged that what she did was wrong. She degraded me for years, tried to steal my independence, my autonomy, stole money repeatedly to make sure I’d never be able to afford to leave (because she financially depended on me).

She only started apologizing when I had enough and took the decision to remove her from my life. Ever since, she’s been harassing me at home and work to get my forgiveness and win my affection back.

Despite me sending her texts telling her to leave me alone, she still showed up at my apartment recently to tape pics of us together to my door with an invitation to go to a concert together.

I am so fucking sick and tired of being stalked by this woman because she refuses to admit she crossed a point of no return/ refuses to admit she permanently destroyed whatever relationship we had.

I can’t even move out because rent is abysmal and I’m terrified she’ll eventually find out about my new job.

The only thing keeping me distracted and somewhat sane is my hyperfixation on zombies and interacting with peeps here. Drawing helps take my mind off things and I’m so grateful I get to meet so many wonderful people here.

C:

For example they do a titanic type film based off of flight 180 (probably the most well known one) And ofcourse none of it is accurate. The characters are completely different from the actual people and the events are so different you have Alex Browning rolling in his grave

This quote from Cornelia Funke in a Zoom Q&A I had the honour to be part of last January has genuinely changed the way I write. For those of you outside the German-speaking countries; Cornelia Funke is one of Germany's most popular teenage- and young adult novel authors, her bibliography at this point eclipses that of some history professors of mine, and her books are what got me into writing 15 years ago. I'm 26 now, so like many of us in fandom spaces, I started very young, got around a lot on the internet, and had my fair share of creator burnout over the years. I also have ADHD, unmedicated for a lot of reasons I won't get into here, so the wip curse is strong in me. I currently have three big longfic wips in three different fandoms - Yuri on Ice, Fantastic Beasts and Merlin BBC - all of which are just lacking the ending. I have worked on all of those for more than a year and a half now. Up until a few days ago, I felt like What few still understand, my House of the Dragon Long Night do-over, would become one of them.

Being on tumblr for something upwards of eight years now (and having created a tumblr account for the sole reason to keep up with the Sherlock BBC Season 4 speculations ahead of the disastrous launch), I have seen a variation on the "we are authors, not creators, for fuck's sake stop capitalizing fandom" post every other week on here for years now. And as wholeheartedly as I agree with that statement, somehow I failed to internalize it. To make it true for myself, for my works, the time and effort I put into them. I don't know if university has made me a chronic perfectionist or the rejection sensitivity aspect of ADHD, either way, I have a high standard for my own work inside and outside of fandom, which isn't a bad thing persé but lately i have found myself dissatisfied with my works as I was writing them. Coming back to them a couple days afterwards usually shows me what sections really do work and what needs editing.

"Re-write your stories until they tell you the truth" - I was never a fan of thinking of a story as a first draft, as the sand you just build your castle out of the second or even third go-around. Writing long fanfictions takes enough time as is, and living with chronic pain especially in my arms, I probably should be writing less than I already am. But this time, with What few still understand, I really tried to follow that advice from one of the authors I admire most in the world: Why does this conversation between three characters feel off? Why do I keep working on it in the back of my head like nagging a loose tooth on the way to work, why does this scene feel wrong days after I have written it? Why did I keep procrastinating the finale? (Because I hate writing battles. That's why.) Now, recently I have been reading everything dear Cecil (@softest-punk) over in the Sandman fandom puts out, and one thing they said a while ago also really stuck with me: Fanfiction isn't the published book world (thank the stars), so we're all just playing doll together. We can have our cake and eat it too. And somehow, this clashes with my perfectionism despite that it resonates with me so much.