#alch:posts

But I don’t want to talk about soy, I don’t want to talk about ginger, I don’t want to talk about your dinner.. I want you to tell me I mean a lot. That my existence is valid. That you love having me here with you.. That you don’t want me to go.. That I shouldn’t even think about killing myself..

this song makes me sad..

09/02/17 01:39 PM

I was hoping to never write something like this again but here I am, midday on sept 2, 2017 crying my heart out. I’ve been in so much pain lately that all I do is pray and pray but I can’t seem to shake off this terrible, terrible feeling. I’ve tried reaching out to my friends but I know they’re all busy with their own lives I don’t really wanna bother them. Same goes with my boyfriend, I don’t want him to think I’m so dramatic, that recently I haven’t been feeling much but this every freakin’ day. I don’t want him to think that I’m weak, I don’t want to make him want to leave because of that and that’s the last thing I wanna happen right now, I need him more than ever. It’s so bad that I’ve been thinking about ending my life a lot of times these past few days.

Every little thing bothers me lately. First, I thought things were going well because I had this volunteer job at this Local Government Office (volunteer = no compensation) and I thought it was better than having nothing but here goes my boss offering me a decent job the only problem is it’s in another island which means I have to stay there most of the time, which means I have to be away from my parents for the time being but knowing them they won’t let me. In addition to this my co-officers in this org I was in in college had been catching up with each other and only a few of us don’t have any job yet but they’re all fine except me because they can work if they want to they just choose not to because they’re looking for bigger opportunities which is rare for fresh grads but possible. Some are subject from promotions, some are waiting for their regularization and some are already managers... And then here I am, stuck at home, doing volunteer work in my hometown... waiting for... Idk nothing? And what’s worse is knowing you can do better only if it weren’t for these unnecessary restrictions and limitations.

Also, I’ve been really bothered about this person’s actions lately? I don’t know if it’s just my instincts or I’m just overreacting but I don’t like the concern she’s been showing and of course he enjoys every bit of that, he wouldn’t keep messaging if he doesn’t and it’s been everyday now. I DON’T KNOW IF IM JUST BEING JEALOUS BUT IT IS BOTHERING ME AND I FEEL SO THREATENED TT____TT started tearing up writing this... Seriouslyyyyyyyyyy!!! askf;dsilhfsdjl I don’t like this. I don’t like this. Please I don’t want to keep feeling like this but I would be cruel and selfish and stupid if I tell him to stop just because I’m bothered and even if I tell him to he would just feel bad and I would turn out to be the bad guy. They sound happy talking after everything and it feels like all the things she said, the stuff he ‘realized’ mean nothing and I’m just afraid that one day I’ll wake up and he’ll tell me he doesn’t love me, that he realized he’s still going to choose her over me and I’m right all along that I really am nothing compared to her, that I never meant that much to him, that every plan we had was just a lie and I’m going to be stuck for another few more years before I’m healed instead of spending those years happy with him.

Time check: 9:27 PM, It has been about a few minutes since I started feeling bad. I couldn’t calm down. I wanted to shout at somebody. I wanted to curse. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to hug someone… my mom… I just want to feel alright but I don’t know how to. I feel so bad right now that even the music I’m listening to makes me want to go out and just breathe. I want to do that but I can’t. Oh I just want to sneak out right now and just be with someone. I want to scream and cry and sit outside. I’m holding my head right now, afraid that it might literally explode any time soon. I want to get something out of my system but I can’t and it sucks. Terribly. I can’t even cry which makes it worse. I can’t because I am not able to. I can’t even breathe properly.

I’m honestly so tired of feeling like this. Everything just starts to add up every time. I think I’m like a worthless freak, that my existence is a big mistake. I tried to resist writing all these out but I can’t help it. I’m so sorry. Thinking about this text post being posted on my blog, open for anybody to see somehow comforts me. I don’t want them to help me but I want to accept that this is really happening, that I’m feeling like this. I feel really awful and scared. Scared because of the upcoming responsibilities I’ll be handling. Disappointing everyone around me is my biggest fear right now. Oh gosh, I don’t want to get into a fight with somebody again. I don’t want to lose another friend. I don’t want to go to school knowing that a few people discreetly talks about me and my attitude, and the way I handled things in the past. I really can’t understand why every time I show these people I’m hurt they turn the situation around and blame me then as a result, I get episodes like this and I don’t blame them. I blame myself every fucking time because of who I am. I don’t expect them to adjust for me, because who am I really? But I just hope they ever think of them doing something wrong that’s why I was like that towards them. I’m the kind of person who would never tell what exactly they did wrong. I will just wait for them to figure it out because I’m bad at expressing things like that. Actually, I’m also bad at telling things like this to my best friends. I just don’t want to bother them. I just want to hug them without getting asked what’s wrong.

Also, I’m so frustrated with myself. I still feel things towards someone I shouldn’t even be bothering about my existence anymore. I hate it.

I hate myself for being selfish, for wanting someone and something that I can never have.