#ajxx

Colson Baker x Reader

“I don’t want to feel anymore.”

A/N: this little short (not really, it’s actually quite long) shows a very very very soft kells. it also mentions suicidal thoughts so you’ve been warned

Empty.

All you felt was emptiness. An overwhelming numb feeling had spread through your whole body and chilled you to the core. You had been in bed for two days already, going on three. A glass of water sat untouched on the nightstand that someone had brought in but you didn’t know who. You hadn’t eaten or slept. All you did was lay in the dark and cry.

Your boyfriend of three years had left you for another woman that he’d been sleeping with for almost a year three days ago. Your sister, whom you hadn’t spoken to in six years, called you and told you your mother had passed away the next day. It was too much for your mind to take. The whiskey didn’t even take the pain away anymore so you let it overcome you. The pill bottles in your medicine cabinet were starting to call your name, whispering to you in the dark in the middle of the night.

Downstairs, there was a meeting going on. Colson stood in the kitchen, bracing the weight of his body with his hands against the counter. Slim stood against the opposite counter with his arms crossed over his chest. Rook, Dub and Dre sat at the bar stools on the other side of the counter that Colson stood at. It was tense, they were all silent. Something they weren’t used to.

“Has she left her room?” Colson questioned as he kept his eyes on the granite in front of him. He had been in the studio most of the time, writing and record their fourth album. He knew you wanted your space but it was becoming hard to when he feared you were going to do something stupid.

Dre shook his head in response and rubbed his forehead. “She hasn’t eaten either. Rook took her some water yesterday and she didn’t touch it,” he told him.

Slim squeezed his eyes shut as he listened. He was on the verge of tears at the thought of his best friend hurting so bad she was letting her body slowly break down. He rubbed his eyes roughly and his voice cracked as he asked, “What do we do?”

Without answering, Colson walked away from the kitchen and to the staircase. He climbed the steps, his feet feeling more and more like bricks every time he took a step. He walked down the hallway and stopped outside your door. His hand lingered over the doorknob as he debated wether or not to go in.

You saw the sliver of light appear on the wall when the door opened, a show appearing on the wall as whoever stood in the doorway. The door shut slowly and you could feel their presence move across the room then your lamp switched on. It gave the room a dull orange glow.

Colson stood beside your bed staring at your tank top covered back. Your blanket was pulled up around your waist as you laid on your side facing the wall. He let out a small breath and slowly climbed onto the bed beside you. You didn’t move or say a word, not even flinching when his hand reached out and brushed your matted hair away from your pale face.

Colson wasn’t an affectionate person. He wasn’t a cuddler and he rarely got sentimental. But when it came to you that all changed. You were his best friend and he loved you as much as he loved Casie. So when you felt his warm tattooed arm wrap around your waist and pull you close, the waterfall of tears started all over again. He held you so close you could feel his heart beating against your back as he nuzzled his nose into your hair.

You let out a shaky breath and slowly brought your hand up to his that rested on your stomach. You wrapped your much smaller hand around his large fingers and held on tightly. “Talk to me,” Colson whispered in to your hair. He said it so quietly you wouldn’t have heard him if his mouth wasn’t basically pressed against the back of your head.

Your bottom lip quivered as you opened your mouth and tried to speak. You swallowed thickly and tried again, saying the only thing you could think of. “I don’t want to feel anymore,” your voice was hoarse from not speaking for three days. “Everything hurts but feels absolutely numb at the same time. I don’t want to do this anymore, K. I just want to d-disappear,” you were sobbing by the time you’d gotten the words out.

Colson felt his own heart break at the broken tone in your voice. His own eyes teared up and he squeezed them shut as he held you tighter while you shook in his arms. He let you cry it out for as long as it took until you finally stilled in his arms once more. He slowly pulled back and sat up on the bed, his hand slowly slipping from your grasp and making it cold once again. “Look at me,” he demanded but his tone was pleading and not harsh.

You slowly turned over into your back and your puffy, bloodshot and red rimmed eyes met his cerulean colored ones. Colson reached up and rested his large hand against your cheek as his thumb wiped away your tears. “You have to feel. You have to let that pain in and it is going to overwhelm you and you’re going to want to die but you have to fight. You have to fight those demons and you have to think of all the good,” he told you, his eyes never leaving yours. “You have us, (Y/N). We love you so fucking much and we’re here going out of our damn minds worried about you. We are your family. We are here for you no matter what. We will be your shoulders to cry on and carry you through this for as long as we have to. You’re going to miss your mom. You’re gonna miss her forever but you have your memories of her and you have to know that she’s watching over you for the rest of your life. And fuck that piece of dog shit who did you dirty.”

You cracked a smile for the first time in a week as more tears cascaded out of your eyes. Colson brought his other hand up and continued to wipe them away as he caressed your cheeks. The corners of his lips turned up slightly and he leant down to kiss your forehead softly. “These are the first steps of healing, okay?” he told you and watched you nod a bit. “Why don’t we get you in the bath, yeah?”

You nodded again and watched Colson climb over you to get out of the bed. He slid one arm under your knees and the other behind your back then lifted you up bridal style and carried you into the bathroom attached to your room. For as scrawny as he looked, that man had some muscle on him.

After he set you on the countertop, you watched as the tattooed man walked over to the bathtub and turned on the water. He waited until it was the proper temperature before plugging the drain and letting it fill. As it did, he walked back over to you and slowly lifted your tank top over your head. You weren’t uncomfortable, it was nothing he hadn’t seen before, but it wasn’t sexual. He was helping you and it warmed your heart to know he cared about you so much.

Colson helped you off the counter and slid your shorts and panties down your legs. You used his shoulders to brace yourself since your knees felt like jello. He then walked you over to the tub and turned the water off before helping you in. He kneeled down beside the tub as you lent back and he washed your hair for you. You let your eyes flutter shut as his calloused finger worked through your hair. Neither of you spoke nor minded it.

After Colson was done helping you bathe, he wrapped you in a towel and walked you back into your room. He ordered you to sit on your bed and pulled out a clean pair of underwear and sweatpants for you to put on. He handed you one of the Lace Up tour shirts you had in the drawers and his eyes lit up as he thought of something. “I’ll be right back,” he told you before running out of your room and down the hall. You heard his heavy feet on the floor as he ran back with one of his black crew necks in his hand.

“I know how much you love this sweater,” he breathed as he handed it to you. You smiled and pulled the large article of clothing over your head. Your hands didn’t reach the bottom of the sleeves at all and it practically looked like a dress on you, but you didn’t care. The smell of his usual body wash and cologne brought you a sense of safety.

Colson went to the bathroom and grabbed your hair brush then sat beside you and turned your body away from him. He ran the brush through your hair slowly, making sure to get out all of the tangles but not pulling hard enough to hurt you. Once he was done, he set the brush on the bed and turned you back to face him. You were fumbling with the ends of the crew neck and staring down on your hands. He used his fingers to tilt your head up and meet his eyes. “You hungry?” he asked with a smile at how small and innocent you looked when he knew the real you.

“I could eat,” you spoke softly but clearly for the first time.

Colson’s smile grew as he stood up and offered you his hand. You smiled as well and slid your hand into his, standing and following him out of your room. You walked down the stairs with his hand held tightly in your grasp as you trailed behind him. The two of you walked through the living room and into the kitchen where Slim, Rook, Dub and Dre were still hanging out.

At the sight of you, everyone stood from their seats quickly with wide eyes. Colson rolled his eyes and sighed loudly as he pulled a bar stood around by the stove for you to sit on. You mustered up a smile to the rest of your friends and toyed with the sleeves of the crew neck again. Slim walked over, smile never leaving his face as he leant down and pressed a kiss to your cheek. “It’s good to see you, princess,” he whispered before pulling away and walking to the fridge. He pulled out two beers and cracked them open, offering the second one to you which you took.

“Whatcha in the mood for, babygirl? Burgers? Steak? Spaghetti?” Colson asked as he leant against the counter beside you and stared down at you.

“Says the man who can’t cook to save his life,” Dub remarked and everyone laughed. It felt good to laugh, you thought.

“Steak and mashed potatoes sounds amazing. Oo! And steamed broccoli and carrots,” you answered enthusiastically, bringing wider smiles to everyones faces.

“Ask and you shall receive!” Rook exclaimed and bowed down to you as if you were a queen.

A giggle escaped your lips and Colson watched you with a goofy, toothy smile on his face. With that, the boys started cooking and you didn’t have to move a muscle. Dre played some music through his beats speaker and you all spent the night cooking, conversing and drinking beers. You felt like a weight was slowly being lifted off of your shoulders being around the guys you loved; your family.