I cried myself to sleep last night

I'm not happy anymore. Athletic Training is not something I wanna do for the rest of my life and I honestly chose it for all the wrong reasons. It's because my fear of disappointment is so heavy. But I feel like that's all I'm doing as each day goes by. I'm disappointing my family because I know they expect better for myself. I'm disappointing my professors because I'm slacking but I don't want them to know that it's because I'm not comfortable where I am. No one knows that I'm miserable. No one knows that as much as I don't wanna leave my bed each morning, but I do because I don't want anyone to ask questions. No one knows that I can't take it anymore. I don't even know what "it" is if I'm being honest. Everyday when I wake up, I walk around like I'm okay, but really it feels like I'm drowning & I can't break the surface. I really don't know what to do at this point.

In my life, it’s been extremely hard for me to trust people and it’s even harder for me to make friends. Because of these I cling on for dear life which ends up just driving people away – or at least that’s been my perspective. I can’t seem to keep a friend for the life of me. The fact that people can walk out my life without being bothered, makes absolutely no sense to me, especially because I know how bad I am at getting people to like me in the first place. I will never understand why people just don’t care, because I care with all my heart. It’s so hard for me to put on a front and say that I’m okay every day even though I’m hurting so bad. And then all anyone ever says to me is “I told you so” and they never offer any help. I’m sick of being the one that people can just hurt/walk over because I don’t have the courage to do anything about it. I feel stupid even writing this because if they don’t care, why should I? 2016 will be the year that I truly work on myself because I cannot feel like this anymore and I will not allow myself to give anyone the power over me that is not rightfully theirs.

I wish I would’ve heard this before tonight

I hate feeling like I did something wrong, which is all the time. I hate that it's so hard for me to get noticed. I hate always thinking that I’m losing friends because I spend all of my time hating myself & wondering what I did. I hate asking what I did to deserve the things that happen to me. I hate that people don’t take me seriously. I hate that people say things about me that I know aren’t true, but since I can’t stop thinking about them, they become true in my head. I hate that no matter how hard I try, I can’t lose any weight. I hate that my clothes don’t fit like they used to. I hate feeling like I drowning but there’s a layer of ice above me so I can’t surface. I hate that I care so much but no one cares about me the way I want them to if at all. I hate feeling like I can’t say certain things to people because I could lose them & I don’t want that. I hate that I hate all these things & my list is nowhere near finished.