seen from Lebanon
seen from United Kingdom
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Lebanon
seen from Saudi Arabia
seen from Argentina
seen from T1
seen from United States
seen from Argentina
seen from Russia
seen from Australia
seen from Bosnia & Herzegovina
seen from Tunisia
seen from Costa Rica
seen from Netherlands
seen from Guatemala
Every second we spend commiserating with our sorry selves is a moment lost to intention devoid of action. With the very same spirit of loss we experience, we possess the potential to transform our negativity into positivity.
Jacob Hoggard.
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heaven is in your head
things are moving at a different place lately. less frantic. the walls aren't caving in. over the past few weeks i've experienced something i'd never before. moments of an afternoon are made to seem as they were carefully edited clips comprising the trailer to a half-decent movie. complete with perfectly timed theme music. -- do you ever have those moments where what you're doing makes complete sense because of the song that's playing? or what you're doing all of a sudden becomes one of the most important moments in your life, timed perfectly to the right sound? -- bad things happen in good movies. good movies can also end poorly. so not to say there isn't shit on some sidewalk somewhere. not to say you don't need to keep your battle stations manned. keep your edge, however you can. keep it sharp and keep it close. enough about you. what about me? where do i find MY peace? try reading more than one book. (books ABOUT that one book, DO NOT COUNT as other books.) i don't need to dwell on whether there is a hell. i'm sure i've got plenty more positive things to think about. but peace. peace is always hard to find. no matter how grand your imagination is. where can anybody really find it these days? shit is fucked. people are trying to find something safe in their lives to turn to and are presented with pockets full of pills and plasma screens. told to believe AOLTIMEWARNERAPPLESONYCNNJESUSPILSNER has the key to your happiness. for a nominal fucking fee. i found some peace. here and there. what good is moderation if you don't have anything great to tempt you? i can't believe how much work there is to do. always. it often keeps me up at night. i sleep great though. it took a while. but i can sleep again. everything that happens in your life, becomes who you are. you can't be happy with who you are until you can accept everything you've been through for what it is - your complexion. fuck yeah we did it. with all of our hearts. but you can't help but live like you're never going to die. somehow the middle makes itself clear. lucidity isn't always a cure. and sedation is almost never the right medication. but somewhere in the middle, somewhere i don't really care to pinnpointatthispoint, there is a healthy balance. one foot in front of the others.
My favourite 3 posts from Jacob Hoggards blog.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2008
parade rain
I'm not going to let you make me crazy. I'm not going to let this make me crazy. I am not crazy. But oh my god lying down in the dark with nobody close, nobody far, nobody period, makes me want to throw up. I'm not used to this. It is a monster and it makes me so afraid of it. I am not afraid of you. I am afraid of without you. This loneliness has reached new levels of reality with me. And I in turn am curdling. And it makes me almost want to hate. Almost want to curse. Almost want to cry. Almost. And the anger wells up in me and it sometimes seems unmanagable. But with all my might I manage. I wish somebody would yell at me. I wish somebody would stop me. I wish somebody would promise me I could be happy. I wish I could believe it when I hear it. I wish I could sleep and not be awake so I didn't have to hear myself think anymore. Because the very thought of doing this all by myself takes my legs out from under me. How am I going to be strong enough to do this without anybody close to understand and love and help. For fuck sakes. Somebody to help. I am not crazy. I am not going crazy. I am not crazy. I am not going crazy. The fun has just begun. When it rains it pours.
SATURDAY, MAY 21, 2005
it's a good day to cry
i remember hearing this voice when the sun shone warm through the window and i could close my eyes and hear you sing. days like today when the rain feels like kisses and the wind sounds like whispers. things are fine. but you want to cry. i do. i could cry until my body wasted away. a million years could pass. and you'd find me sitting on the sidewalk staring at the sky, my eyelids fighting the raindrops with romantic disregard. some things you can't explain. like the urge to disappear. you feel it when you've lost all other reasons to write a letter. when the simple things in life eradicate. and your mind is left hollow and corrosive. the imagery i derive from elements like rain, hands, and eyes, warms the very fibre of my being. you could be a million miles away and still feel my heart beat. it’s embedded in all of our souls, the ability to feel another’s pain, to cry another’s tears, and to hate another’s hate. created solely by a force called bond. the only antagonist in this romantic novel of life is the complexity of a fear called brokenness. something we all have come to hate and fear. the times when you feel even walking seems like you're on your knees. brokenness. brokenness and separation. some of my biggest fears. loneliness. the simple spelling of that word makes my stomach turn. the taste of darkness at 12 in the afternoon. when the earth is cold. when all things are hard and jagged to the touch. and no one calls your name. desolation. i would run from it like a demon from truth. i hate loneliness. it scares me with undeniable passion. i fear it more than death. and in turn it has owned my existence. it controls my thoughts and my actions undeniably. it dictates my decisions and my desires. i would do anything to avoid loneliness. now you know my weakness. now you know the secret entrance to the opaque fortress of my heart. so sneak in. aim to kill. i'll fight you to the death. never let go of what keeps you safe. never let go of the hand that dries your tears. it gets colder in this palace of talent. as the weeks crawl by, the air becomes dry, the food becomes tasteless and the songs become empty. it’s inevitable. you sing with reckless abandon, and yet, you feel as though the world is waiting with guns and opinions. u try not to let it affect you. but you cannot hide from inevitability. you cannot alter the course of recklessness. the choke show starts promptly at 8. and it is live to air. 3 second delay. three seconds. that’s not even enough time to hide your gag reflex from the world and your parents. this is the game we play. the life we lead. the life we've chosen. you can't go back. but you can definatly pretend. we call those people fools. getting ahead in life doesn't mean pretty cars and bit tits. getting ahead in life is growing strong. taking your stupid-ass mistakes, and learning from them. deriving the knowledge from a screw up is more useful than reading a damn book. trust me. i've done a lot of both. i hate reading. i love screwing up. not really. take your mistakes and learn from them. you grow strong, you grow complete. you grow up. you can have your fast cars and your big tits. i'll keep to myself and watch you trip over your pretty new shoes again and again. just keep your heads on kids. remember where you came from. 'in this great future you can't forget your past' a lot of people have trouble fitting their heads in a standard doorway these days. they are their own biggest fans. just wear goggles, i hear it’s pretty brutal when a head explodes. the calamity of oblivion will course through all of us. its only in rising above the idiocy that in our foolish ways do we truly see what is and is not worth crying over. climb with me. fly with me. it’s a good day to cry. "it's a good day to cry"
TUESDAY, MAY 29, 2007
a crisp varnish and a fast smile
today is so fucking hot. today is so fucking straight. direct. the kind of day where you come close to running out of devices. and accidentally bump into yourself more than once. 2 steps forward 9 steps into the middle of nowhere. i guess we all lie to ourselves even a little bit. i think the days it burns the most are the best days. when theres no room to shed light on outside discrepancies and you're left to the sound of the sweet wreckage of your own internalized war; but your skin tone rocks. the kind that makes you cry just thinking about it. the way you wish your chest would just rip open so your heart could sneak a breath of fresh air. not too fresh though. especially round here. not in my atmosphere. where it rains when its sunny and its too hot out when its actually raining. (<- well. that was a fucking depress.) that suffocating feeling you get when you've had your head under the covers one second too long. if it werent for the sharp lack of sad piano music playing in my head constantly i would probably be a walking ship wreck of tears and nice clothes. bright eyes and knives in my back pockets. funny how you never seem to get a handle on said knives though. they're normally too busy being stuck so far into your own back you begin to mistake the excrutiating pain for the commmon discomforts of moments you won't think about any more. but they're there. the way pizza stains on your tie. it doesnt go away. that was a nice fucking tie too. good pizza though. although, a little too meaty. i miss doing my hair. i think lately the complete lack of attention payed to any sort of personal grooming or care has given me the time to think more. i know. i'm that bad. you'd get that way too. why do you think fish look so nice. especially in the bowl. pizza's here. i hope there's roasted red peppers on it. if not i'm gonna freak out and do some heavy diva shit. i'm gonna leave as soon as i eat. the sun is just too beautiful to stay inside. a nice drive. here i come. a good release. i think i'll speed too. its the best deep breath you can take in an age of luke warm dust free incubation. i'll never take it for granted. that and a really sharp knife. crispy.
Feel\\\\Free
fee\\\\\\\\\\\\\free a sense of boundaries is realistic a belief they don't exist, theistic a fear of limitations, statistic a perspective of possibility, downright optimistic ***where you go and the steps you take to get there take pieces of present tense*** what's behind you is important too. scratch scratches fire starts with matches they're burning down the world and chopping down with hatchets i've been steadier lately. not to say there isn't still a 3 foot chop on the water. but verily i hold fast with a good grip and a grin, through thick and thin. i should call my mom back as soon as i finish this. i ate a startlingly large amount of bananas today, and climbed a startlingly small amount of trees. i've been into high school reading level books lately, thankfully they happen to be from the early 20th century when your reading level meant more than a new instagram follower. people said funny shit in the 1920's. they thought even funnier shit. ever wonder what you'll think of how you thought? * Frequentist Inference "The critical point about Bayesian inference, then, is that it provides a principled way of combining new evidence with prior beliefs, through the application of Bayes' rule. (Contrast this with frequentist inference, which relies only on the evidence as a whole, with no reference to prior beliefs.) Furthermore, Bayes' rule can be applied iteratively: after observing some evidence, the resulting posterior probability can then be treated as a prior probability, and a new posterior probability computed from new evidence. This allows for Bayesian principles to be applied to various kinds of evidence, whether viewed all at once or over time." belief should be subjective, but, subject to change i fell in love with a keyboard, it kinda feels like the first time, but for now its banana time thats some good shit
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Listening to Bleeker Ridge and reading aheartbreakingwork with my kitten snuggled up beside me.
Tonights just fine.
Though it would be better if I was in Kirkland Lake
This is the saddest thing in the world
