#agani

“You said it, not me,” Max pointed out. He laughed and wrapped an arm around Pisaeng’s shoulders, tugging him along through the crowd. “Come on, I want to introduce you to Candy.” Candy was a drag queen that Max had met one of his first visits to the bar, and who had taken him under their wing. Candy would love Pisaeng, Max already knew that.

Max wasn’t really thinking much past trying to help Pisaeng get more comfortable in his own skin. Wasn’t thinking about his own thoughts or feelings. Not at first.

Then Pisaeng turned to look at him with a blinding, intoxicating smile, and Max knew he’d made a mistake.

The full weight of his mistake hit him a few days later, when Kawi waved him over to sit with them for lunch. He smiled, nodding at Pear and Kawi before sitting in the open seat beside Pisaeng.

“Finally, someone who’s on my side,” Pisaeng said, narrowing his eyes accusingly at Kawi. He wasn’t angry, not really. His expression was amused and exaggerated for the purpose of some joke Max wasn’t in on. He wasn’t going to dwell too much on how much he’d been paying attention to Pisaeng’s expressions that he could start to tell them apart.

It didn’t matter anyway, because no matter how many smiles and laughs he aimed at Max, they were nothing compared to the way he saw Pisaeng look at Kawi.

“He’s not on your side!” Kawi protested. “He’s my best friend.” Max smiled. At least some things were still right with the world.

“I don’t know what’s going on, but he’s right,” Max jumped in, pointing at Kawi. He raised his eyebrows expectantly at Pisaeng. “You’re very confident for someone who’s side I’m definitely not on,” he teased. Pear laughed behind her hand, but didn’t comment, just watching the verbal sparring match.

“You’ve been stuck as the third wheel with these two as many times as I have, right?” Pisaeng asked, in a tone just as confident.

“I generally avoid third-wheeling,” Max said.

“That’s what I’m trying to do,” Pisaeng said.

“Great, glad I could settle that,” Max said, not entirely sure what the disagreement had even been over. He opened his juice and took a drink.

“You can settle it by going out with me tonight,” Pisaeng said. Max choked on his drink.

“Sorry, what?”

“Us,” Pisaeng quickly amended. His face was turning as red as it had in the bar the other night. “Go out with us tonight.” Max stayed silent, eyes scanning around the table. Kawi was no longer smiling like he was in on the joke. He was staring at Pisaeng, a look of hurt and confusion painting his features, until he noticed Max watching him, then his eyes dropped to his plate.

“Where?” Max asked, because it seemed like the easier way to get the most information that he was missing. He looked back towards Pisaeng’s flushed cheeks and slight, hopeful smile.

This was a horrible idea.

“A club,” Pear answered. “I want to go dancing, but Kawi is nervous—“

“I’m not!”

“—So he wanted Pisaeng to join us.”

“And I don’t want to just be standing around by myself with no one to dance with,” Pisaeng finished. The soft smile, flushed cheeks and warm eyes were making quick work of what little resolve Max had remaining.

This was a monumentally horrible idea.

“So will you go with us?” Pisaeng asked. He said ‘us’ that time, but Max could still hear the ‘me’ unspoken. Max’s eyes slid back across the table to Kawi. He was grumpily poking at his rice bowl.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he said carefully, turning back to Pisaeng. The smile fell, and that felt like a crime punishable by death. Max wondered who would be the one to arrest him—Probably Kawi.

“Come on,” Pisaeng tried again, this time reaching for Max’s wrist, holding his hand gently between his own. The smile that returned was a sad, pleading one. Max knew he would give in before Pisaeng finished his plea. His voice was quiet when he continued, and Max wondered if Kawi and Pear were supposed to hear, but there was no way they wouldn’t. “You’re supposed to be my gay Obi-Wan, right? Doesn’t that include teaching me how to be out and proud in a place that’s not the local gay bar?”

Max huffed out a breath, exaggerating the thought he put into his answer, though he already knew it. “I guess it does,” he relented. Pisaeng’s bright smile returned, and one would think everything was right with the world.

Except for the sharp pang in Max’s chest. Except for the way Kawi didn’t look up from his food. Except for Pear’s gentle nudges against Kawi’s shoulder trying to get his attention.

Except for the fact that Max knew the smiles Pisaeng offered him, while bright enough to light the Sun, weren’t anywhere near the ones reserved for Kawi. He tried not to care. He wanted to be a good friend. But it was becoming harder and harder.

—————

Max leaned against the bathroom counter, staring at eyes that watched him back in the mirror. He could do this. He could absolutely do this.

Just because Pisaeng was getting over a crush on Max’s best friend didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to go out and dance with him. He was helping. Kawi was going out with Pear, and Max would be a bad friend if he stood Pisaeng up and let him just spend the evening having to watch Kawi and Pear together from the corner.

So why did he somehow feel like an even worse friend for agreeing to go out with him? Kawi had told Max himself that he didn’t like Pisaeng. His eyes didn’t say the same as his words, but that was Kawi’s problem, not Max’s.

And just because Pisaeng still looked at Kawi like he hung the moon and stars didn’t mean that Max standing him up would make that go away. Even if Pisaeng was just using him to get over Kawi, that was fine, right?

Max knew this wouldn’t be anything. Not really. It couldn’t be. Not with the way Pisaeng was still pining over Kawi. He was just being a good friend. Showing Pisaeng that falling for a(n alleged) straight friend was a bad idea, and that just because he lost out on his first crush, didn’t mean he wasn’t worthy of finding a new guy that would fall for him. Hell, it wouldn’t be hard for Pisaeng to find any guy he wanted to fall for him.

Shaking his head, Max touched up the light eyeliner he’d put on and left.

The three were waiting outside the club when Max made it there. His eyes immediately found Pisaeng, and he was met with a bright, warm smile.

He shouldn’t be there. He somehow knew it in his gut. It felt like a future had already been written, and he wasn’t in it. But he was here, whether he was supposed to be or not.

Max put on a smile and joined them, his body moving instinctively without his input as they shuffled towards the door, showed their IDs and got drinks at the bar.

The first drink started to quiet the voice in his head. The second drowned it. The third allowed him to smile and laugh with Pisaeng after Kawi and Pear had left them in favor of the dance floor two drinks ago. When Pisaeng reached for his hand, Max squeezed it in his own, and let himself be pulled to the dance floor.

It was freeing, and amazing and beautiful. Or maybe that was the man in front of him. Pisaeng leaned forward to say something in his ear. He was pretty sure it was a commentary on the DJ, but he couldn’t be sure. All Max could register was warm breath against his skin, and a hand burning his waist through the thin fabric of his shirt. Pisaeng started to pull away, and Max’s hands found their way to his shoulders, keeping him close as they danced.

Fuck the future, fuck Kawi’s glass closet, and fuck the way Pisaeng looked at him the way he would never look at Max.

He was smiling at Max now, not looking around at Kawi or anyone else, and that was enough. It had to be enough.

Tomorrow was tomorrow’s problem. And the future was the future’s problem. Right now belonged to Max, and he was holding onto it for all he was worth.

“Max,” Pisaeng said, his voice close, his breath warm.

“Hmm?” Max answered. His eyes had fallen shut at some point as they danced. He opened them to see Pisaeng’s warm eyes barely a few inches in front of him. Pisaeng’s eyes dropped, and Max’s did as well. He watched Pisaeng’s tongue shoot out to lick his lips nervously.

His eyes moved back up the Pisaeng’s again. Max was drunk, but he wasn’t drunk enough to make the first move. It wasn’t his to make.

He didn’t need to, though. He felt Pisaeng’s hand slide from his waist around his back, tugging him closer. There was a warm, hesitant puff of air against his lips, then his eyes fell shut, and Pisaeng closed the small distance between them.

Max kissed back without a moment of the hesitation that he knew should be there. His hands moved from Pisaeng’s shoulders to cradle his face between his palms, fingers sliding back into his hair as their lips moved together.

“Kawi!” Pear’s sharp voice broke through the white noise around them, and they broke apart, both looking around for their friends. Pear was rushing after a retreating Kawi towards the door.

Max took a deep breath before daring to look back at Pisaeng. Hs heart dropped into his stomach. Pisaeng looked about how Max expected.

Heartbroken. Guilty. Regretful. Staring through the crowd towards where Kawi and Pear had disappeared. Max put a small amount of distance between them for his own sanity, before dropping a hand to Pisaeng’s arm and squeezing it gently.

Pisaeng looked at him, eyes wide and uncertain, as though not knowing how he got there. The music was still loud, and people were crowding too close, so Max just nodded towards the door their friends had disappeared out. Pisaeng nodded, but didn’t move. Max wasn’t sure if he could.

Max’s hand gripped Pisaeng’s arm and tugged him towards the door, weaving between people as they went.

By the time they got outside, Pear was standing alone, shivering in the wind and her short sleeve dress.

“Where’s Kawi?” Max asked.

Pear turned around, and Max could see the tears that had been streaming down her face. He reached out to pull her into his arms, and she curled against his shoulder. “I don’t know,” she mumbled against his shoulder. “We just—We were dancing, and everything was fine, then he just—I don’t know. He just got this look on his face, and he left. He didn’t even—He didn’t say anything. And when I got outside he was already getting into a cab.”

“Alright, I’ll go talk to him, okay?” Max said, pulling back to look her in the face. He offered a comforting smile as she nodded, and he leaned forward to press a kiss against her forehead. “It’ll be alright.” He looked over her shoulder at Pisaeng, who looked like he was debating throwing himself into oncoming traffic. Max could only deal with one breakdown at a time, though. “Pisaeng,” he said, drawing the other man’s attention. He looked sharply around at his name being called, then his eyes dropped, unable to even look Max in the eye. He wasn’t gong to focus on how much that hurt. He couldn’t. “Can you make sure Pear gets home safe?”

“Yeah,” Pisaeng said. “Where are you going?” He asked, eyes set on Max’s shoes.

“I’m going to talk to Kawi,” Max answered.

“Maybe I should—“

“No,” Max said. He wasn’t going to say in front of Pear that Kawi needed the only one of them he wasn’t romantically interested in to talk some sense into him, but he hoped Pisaeng understood. “I’ll talk to him. Don’t worry, just get Pear home.”

Pisaeng nodded and took his jacket off, wrapping it around Pear’s shoulders. Something painful and cold twisted in Max’s chest at the sight, but he looked away, hailing a cab coming towards them.

Max helped Pear into the back of the cab, but stopped before getting in himself. “Max, I—“

“I know,” Max cut him off, maybe too sharply, but he couldn’t bear to hear it. He didn’t want Pisaeng to apologize for kissing him, or for asking him to the club. He didn’t think he could take it if Pisaeng said any of it was a mistake. It was. He knew it was, but if he heard Pisaeng say it, he knew that’s all he would be able to hear in his nightmares for the foreseeable future. “I know,” he said again, more gently this time. He offered a sad smile, and reached out to squeeze Pisaeng’s arm. “It’s okay.”

“Thank you,” Pisaeng said, and maybe that was worse.

Once the cab had pulled away, he waved for another one and gave the driver Kawi’s address.

In all honestly, he didn’t expect Kawi to let him in. He really didn’t. He expected to be stuck out in the cold for an hour, then to give up, go home, and try again the next day. But Kawi let him in, and then proceeded back to where it appeared he’d been before Max arrived— collapsed on the couch and crying into a pillow.

Max went to the kitchen first and filled two glasses of water before joining Kawi. He sat on the floor in front of Kawi and placed the glasses of water on the table.

He did say anything, just waiting, letting Kawi cry out as many tears as he needed to. The sharp, cold thing twisted in Max’s chest again. How had he managed to hurt two people he cared so much about in one night? In the span of about thirty seconds, if he was being precise.

“I’m sorry.” The words didn’t come from Max, and he had to watch Kawi’s face closely, replay through his own drunken memory the last minute, to be certain.

“I think that’s my line,” Max said, doing his best to add a teasing lilt to his tone. He failed, but he’d tried.

Kawi shook his head, swiping his hands roughly over his cheeks. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have freaked out and stormed off like that,” Kawi said.

“Yeah, well I shouldn’t have kissed the guy you like,” Max answered. Kawi’s eyes went wide, and Max could see his mind scrambling for excuses. “Don’t. I know. I’m not blind. But you really should tell Pear. If you like them both, that’s fine, but be honest with them both.”

“I don’t—“ Kawi started, then broke off. “I’m not…”

“You don’t have to be anything,” Max said. “It’s fine that you like him. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I know,” Kawi said. Max’s eyebrows shot up. That was an improvement. “But I still shouldn’t have done that. I’m dating Pear. I don’t—I can’t be jealous if Pisaeng likes—if he likes someone else. If he likes you.” Max started to interrupt, but Kawi waved a hand to stop him. “I missed my chance. You can be with him. I won’t get in the way.”

Max was silent for a long, frustrated minute. “I’ve never understood that noble bullshit in romantic movies,” he finally said. Kawi just stared at him in confusion. “The whole, ‘We both like the same person but I’ll be the better person and stand aside so you can be with them.’ Aside from the fact that it’s almost always a woman, and I won’t get into the nature of that trope treating women like property, but I’m sure you get the point—There’s also the fact that it’s not our decision alone. You get that, right?”

Kawi only stared blankly at him. “I’m not following.”

Max groaned and reach out to shake whatever parts of Kawi he could reach, which were his knees and shins. “It doesn’t matter if you want to be some noble hero or whatever bullshit, and stand aside so I can be with Pisaeng. I’m not the one he likes.” He let the silence linger for a minute, hoping it would sink it. “Do you get it? Pisaeng asked me out because he’s trying to get over you. Because you turned him down. I know I never had a chance with him. And even if you tell him a hundred times over that you don't return his feelings, I still won’t have a shot.”

The gravity of his words hit them both at the same time. Kawi stared at his hands, registering everything Max had said. Max pulled his knees to his chest and leaned his head against his knees, trying to even out his breaths, trying to stop that tears that burned the inside of his eyelids. His arms tightened around his legs, as if trying to physically stop his body from shaking so badly it felt like he would break apart into shattered pieces.

He never had a chance. He knew that. Every time he heard Pisaeng talk about Kawi. Every time he saw the way Pisaeng looked at Kawi. Even after Kawi had said he didn’t return Pisaeng’s feelings. Pisaeng didn’t look at him any differently. And Max knew that. He’d known that from the beginning. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way, but here they were, and everyone hurt because of it.

“I’m sorry,” Kawi said again, and this time, the tears fell down Max’s cheeks, because he could hear it in Kawi’s voice. He knew this time what he was sorry for, and it wasn’t his own stupid actions. It was regret at his best friend’s pain, and Max didn’t want Kawi to see that, but he couldn’t stop it either.

Max felt arms encircle him, knees dropping to the floor in front of him as Kawi pulled him against his chest.

It felt like an hour, but he was pretty sure it had only been a few minutes, when Max caught his breath again and pulled away, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “Just stop hurting him, alright?” He asked quietly. “Whether that’s admitting your feelings, or cutting him loose, just please stop hurting him, alright?” He felt Kawi nod against his shoulder.

“Want to crash here tonight?” Kawi asked. Max felt himself nod, and Kawi started moving around, throwing blankets and pillows onto the couch from the hall closet. Max took another minute, swiping his hands over his face and catching his breath before he moved.